DD Thinks I'm Push Her Too Hard

Parents Forum
1

<p>My daughter (who is poligirl) and I had a huge fight this morning. She thinks I'm pushing her too hard about school stuff 1 week before finals. She IS a good student-all honors classes 2 B's the rest A's, but recently she's been having difficulty in her math class (which already she's had 3 B's in each quarter) When I came downstairs this morning, I asked her if she thought of what she was going to ask her math teacher in the am prior to the class starting, since I was driving her in early. My D blew her top at me. Now, I'm wondering if it's just her blowing off steam, am I pushing her, or what! Last night she watched 2 1/2 hours of TIVO'd Charmed shows and I didn't say anything about that until she screamed at me this morning.</p>

<p>We are very close (no other kids) and I'm a fairly young (40) Mom and she and her friends seem comfortable around me. Now I'm questioning my judgement and actions, I don't want to destroy our relationship. She wants to go to schools in Boston area, not ivy, but in top 35. Not sure if I don't ever ask about school or homework, if she will motivate herself or not. I just want her to have the opportunity to go to school she want to if they offer merit aid based on grades and scores.</p>

<p>Any advice?</p>

2

<p>Of course you're pushing her. It might be helpful to have a low-key discussion to explain why.</p>

3

<p>She sounds like my sons. This sounds pretty normal to me. She might have been blowing off steam bc she is tired and feeling a lot of pressure with finals. My boys do the same thing, and then they apologize later in the day, on their own. When they exploded, they realized that they dished their stress out on me. I have one in college now, but when both were in hs (one is currently in hs), I did have to refocus them to study the week before finals. They had a tendancy to want to play a video game, or watch a movie to escape the pressure. They needed a break, but I tried to get them refocused after 20 minutes of spacing out.</p>

4

<p>Until the end of school this year, I suggest backing off a bit. (What grade is your d in, BTW?) She could easily have blown up at you not because of anything you did or said, but just because she is also nervous and stressed about things, and you are a "safe place" to blow up. Kind of like the toddler who's perfect all day in day care, but falls apart as soon as you get home - it's safe there because kid knows that Mom will still be there when she's done.</p>

<p>I know that my d told me to back off during her junior year: "Mom, I know what I need to do and I'll do it. I know you want me to be able to go to the schools I want to, but if I blow it, that's my problem and I'll figure out what to do then. It's my choice now." </p>

<p>I did back off, she did what she knew she needed to do, and now she's very happily attending a top school.</p>

<p>Good luck - this can be the worst time of year!</p>

5

<p>Thanks for listening/advice. I actually just received a message on my cell phone from her, "Sorry" was all it said. Now I feel doubly bad because I don't want her feeling bad in school all day (although maybe she won't). </p>

<p>It is sooo difficult to sit by and watch her spend hours doing everything but studying and then study for 20 minutes and say she's done. If she gets a "C" in math the last quarter and that makes her final math grade for the year a "B-" how poorly will schools look at the downward tradjectory? B+, B, B, C.</p>

<p>WHY CAN'T I TELL HER TO JUST STUDY FOR 1 MORE WEEK!!! BTW, my husband and I are taking her and her best friend to Disneyworld for 6 days after finals and she already told me not to even think about taking their pictures. She is normally such a sweet kind girl, I'm afraid she's turning into someone scary.</p>

6

<p>About the B-, how schools look at it depends upon the rigor of the hs, and the college (ie: top tier vs. a lower tier). I would just encourage her to do her best. The extra worrying about college won't help. She'll get in where she gets in. Plenty of kids get into solid schools with B-s as well as a few Cs, and even a D (obviously I am not talking about Ivies). BTW, her calling to say that she is sorry doesn't surprise me. It sounds just like my boys. Your D sounds just fine to me. She blew off some steam, realized that it wasn't the right thing to do to you, and she apologized.</p>

7

<p>Thanks, you are likely right. I am probably the one over-reacting!</p>

8

<p>Obviously, none of us really know if your are pushing your DD too hard. By the tone and content of your posts, you sound pretty reasonable. </p>

<p>One thing you said really jumped out at me.
[quote]
Last night she watched 2 1/2 hours of TIVO'd Charmed shows and I didn't say anything about that until she screamed at me this morning.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>I have worked with teens for many years, and in the past few years I have found that the increasing allure of computers, texting, tivo, etc. can have an insidious allure to kids. I know kids have always been distracted by tv, but this seems to be more pervasive with good students. They just seem to totally lose track of time and have no idea how long they have been online, or watching downloaded episodes of shows, etc. They get very nasty when confronted, so different from their usual personalities. </p>

<p>We didn't have wireless in our house until my DD was a senior and I KNOW her time on the computer skyrocketed. </p>

<p>So, my advice is similar to other posters. Stay as low keyed as possible for now. Try to do a preemptive strike on electronics during the Disney trip and keep her moving this summer. At some point come up with a guideline for "screen" (tv, computer, texting, etc.) time for the next school year and discuss it with her at a mellow moment. </p>

<p>This is a balancing act, especially with a good kid. You want to acknowledge all the things they do right, but you hate to see them waste their time.</p>

9

<p>"Last night she watched 2 1/2 hours of TIVO'd Charmed shows and I didn't say anything about that until she screamed at me this morning."</p>

<p>Yeah I know right... who still watches Charmed?</p>

10

<p>
[quote]
how poorly will schools look at the downward tradjectory? B+, B, B, C

[/quote]

Colleges may never see that "trajectory". My d's high school sent only final grades on the transcript. If your d's school does the same, the only thing colleges will see is B-. </p>

<p>You might want to ask the guidance office to see a copy of her transcript as they would send it to colleges.</p>

11

<p>I know how kids can get lost in TV or internet surfing. If I feel that my kids are doing too much electronic stuff, and not focusing on the real priorities, I have been known to disconnnect internet and cable and take the tivo box for a few days to a week. Sometimes they need help disconnecting, and a forced break helps them resurface. (My kids are in HS so yes - they do get angry)</p>

<p>Also, set the Tivo box so it deletes automatically. My d was hooked on Tivo shows !! Limiting the amount of shows she could Tivo really helped.</p>

12

<p>I can absolutely identify with your daughter - I was her about two years ago. </p>

<p>About the math thing, I imagine that she is already frustrated/upset/nervous about the exam and already had a "game-plan" in her mind about how she was going to spend the final hours before and the questions she was going to ask the teacher. By you asking right before the test, she may have felt that you didn't trust her or didn't think she was competent to get the job done, which undermines her already fragile confidence before the test. </p>

<p>And just to take the pressure off a bit - BC and Tufts (schools I assume she's interested given the info here) don't offer any merit aid based on grades. Tufts gives awards to NMF, but other than that, no merit aid. SO a B- here to there isn't going to take away her chances of money there.</p>

13

<p>I sympathize--my younger daughter's math grade has taken a dive this term, and my parental concern has been met with the Patented Teenage Eyeroll and frustrated sighs.</p>

<p>I think it's worth keeping some perspective, however. A "B" in Honors Math is nothing to be ashamed of, if your daughter has genuinely given it her best effort.</p>

14

<p>I could have written your op two years ago. D seem to understand more where I am coming from nowadays. </p>

<p>I still think she watches too much tv.</p>

15

<p>I have been there. My D graduated from HS yesterday, with 4 As and 2 B+s, and she will attend a competitive LAC this fall. Her grades were quite uneven though, in 9th, 10th, and even 11th grades, and I questioned and nagged way more than I like to admit. In the end, if your child is motivated, she will do what she needs to do. She may stumble a bit (my D got a C+ in math in 11th grade, right after her GC told her her transcript looked decent, but "whatever you do, don't get a C this year"!) but in the end she has to want to do the work, and you can't make her. And BTW, even turning off the TV may be futile. We limited TV, so D read books when she didn't want to study (I think she reread Harry Potter in its entirety about 3 times.) It is the end of the year, lighten up and trust that she will do what she needs to do. If she doesn't pull it off, she will at least learn that there is no substitute for hard work, a lesson that will help next year.</p>

16

<p>Nice that she apologized. They bounce back much faster than we do. I feel so silly when a tell an 18 year old that the tv is off. That he IS studying right now. But that is what works with him. The other day I made a statement that I did not like to pressure him. He has one more week and these Junior grades are so important. He just simply said-with eye contact!-"I know". So, deep down I think your D is just worried. But perhaps just saying something to the effect that the tv/computer will only be one hour tonight... or (I have done this) say you have a show to watch and move her out of the room. In any event, take a deep breath and hope for the best.</p>

17

<p>You are pushing it. Just offer help if she has a problem with understanding math. Let her deal with whatever and whoever else she needs (teachers, friends, etc.). We helped a lot, actually working on a problem and discussing the points that created difficulty. Math and sciences are very easy to help with since everything is explained in a book very clearly, but kids tend not to read carefully and get frustrated. But we helped only when D asked us to help. She is successful on her own in college now. She graduated from HS at the top of her class.</p>

18

<p>I'm different than many above posters. I have no idea if you're pushing your D too much, but after a day in which both people felt they made mistakes and feel badly,
I'd take some minutes after dinner (not on the way to something important!) to talk over the exchanges of the day, and say, How can we get through this next week so we don't upset each other like that. You felt bad, I felt bad, we don't want that.</p>

<p>Then maybe you can agree not to question her on the way to an exam (very unnerving) as a matter of timing, and she can agree to just come up with what she considers a reasonable time limit for ONE WEEK on the screens. Negotiate it as a total time limit; start with, What would you think is a good total time that's safe for your studies in the coming week, each evening.. If she says "3 hours" say
"Interesting. I was thinking of 1." Then settle on 2.</p>

<p>Focus on just this coming week, not all of college. They're living very much in the present; it's the end stretch of a horserace.</p>

<p>Then do some side-things that just show her you're fond of her this week (Drop a candy bar into her books as she studies).
You probably can both agree tonight (briefly! not a drawn out 2 hour convo!) that
today felt badly. YOu have a mutual starting point. </p>

<p>I used to write this stuff down when my kids were younger and post it on the 'fridge, in point form (2 hr. limit on screens; no questioning on way to school, then both sign). But she's probably too old for that. By this age, she'll remember the deal you make and certainly hold you to your side of it!</p>

<p>Anyway, that's what I'd do, a little mini-contract just to get through the final week.
The mega issues (am I pushing her too much, will she get into colleges of dreams...might wait for lemonade and a slow summer day together away from the house).</p>

<p>For those longer talks, not under any pressure, I say,
We won't tug-of-war, we'll drop the rope and just put the problem on the other side of the rope; look at it together as a mutual concern, and figure out how to help each other get you what you want. </p>

<p>Stare at the problem as a team, and figure out what each of you can do to get her there. That's quite different from seeing either her or you as the problem (or the sole solution).</p>

19

<p>Well, I'd like to thank you all for your input and suggestions. I believe it was a good idea for me to come here to vent/seek advice. For now, I am just going to "go with the flow" but during the summer (after Disney) I will try to have a conversation about dealing with stress and tv vs. studying time. Of course, I can't wait too long because she'll be off on different things for the summer: 10 days in DC, 1 week leadership camp, 3 day mini-trip with friends, 6 days at the DNC. </p>

<p>BTW, Tufts is one of the schools she is considering, but we'll have to see if they consider her as well!</p>

20

<p>It works better at our house if the kids are responsible for the homework and studying. It's been that way since early in elementary school. </p>

<p>I limit my nagging to "do you need me to help you study for your ____ exam?" That usually satisfies my need to remind them that they should put their book down and get out the school books. (Reading for pleasure is more of a problem at our house than T.V.)</p>