<p><strong><em>Warning</em></strong> Super-long ... my apologies. </p>
<p>I'm trying to give as much information as I can to gain advice that may help us. DD went away (6 1/2 hours from home) to college in 2006 and graduated 2010. During that time, she studied abroad for a semster. She's never been the type to be "homesick" and she came home just a few times during undergrad. She took a gap year after graduation, worked three jobs and rented a house with friends about 20 minutes from home. We didn't see much of her then, either, as she spent most of her time at work and what little free time she had with friends. </p>
<p>She applied to graduate school to get her master's in Sustainable International Development. This was the only school to which she applied because, according to her, it was the best school for that program and they only place in which she was interested in going. She was accepted and left for Boston in August. The day she left, she called sobbing, saying she was afraid she'd made a mistake. It's a 20-hour-trip by car and I know that can be scary and lonely. She called crying several times the first couple of weeks and said she was just so homesick she didn't know if she could stand it. She had a part-time job waiting on her (one from which she had transferred at home) and that kept her busy until classes started and continues to keep her busy when she's not in class. Slowly, but surely, the calls decreased and she sounded okay when we would talk to her. Fast forward to last week. Her boyfriend (they started dating in May) went to visit for a few days. On the day he left, she called us sobbing again talking about how homesick she is. She told us she now knows she cannot live abroad or even in D.C., Boston or NY, just some of the places she could land with her degree. She said she really wants to move home to the south, specifically back to Tennessee. </p>
<p>DH and I think it is a terrible idea to give up and leave. Even if she doesn't work in that particular field, we really feel it's important to complete her program and get her master's degree. Her undergrad degree was in Social Justice. Her program consists of two semesters of intense classwork and one year of practicum. She is midway through the first semester of intense classes and has done very well academically. Our agreement has always been that we pay for undergrad and she pays for grad school. The cost of her program is ~$42K for the first year and then only $1,500 or so per semester for the second year (because they'll be doing practicum). She got a $12K scholarship for the first year, and took student loans for the remainder of the cost plus a bit extra for living expenses that wouldn't be covered by her part-time job. We have talked to her a lot in the past few days. She has an appointment to see her advisor on Friday (the only day the advisor has office hours) so DH and I are just trying to get our ducks in a row depending upon what she decides. We have suggested she see if there's any way of doing her practicum in this general area instead of D.C., Boston, NY or abroad. </p>
<p>If DD does come home, I could see letting her stay with us for a maximum of three months while finding a full-time job, but no longer. At her age, we were married, had full-time jobs and were making house and car payments. I would be so very disappointed if she quits because it's something I've never seen her do. I've come to expect more from her than that and it's breaking my heart. If she does quit, what are recommendations you would suggest for her returning home? Should she pay rent for the three months we allow her to live with us or do we just let her save that for living on her own? We currently pay her health (through my job) and car insurance. I would be willing to keep her on my health insurance until she finds a job that supplies it, but I think she needs to pay her own car insurance. I'm so full of emotions right now that I'm not sure what to say or do. I feel we need to have a plan in place by Friday so we'll know what to tell her on the phone if she tells us she's quitting. She needs to know what to expect when she gets home. Any advice you offer would be greatly appreciated.</p>
<p>Sounds to me like the BF is the issue. If it were me I’d tell her if that is the reason she wants to quit school then that is her decision as an adult. But that means she is on her own totally.</p>
<p>I think unconditional love for your daughter would be very helpful right now.</p>
<p>There is plenty of time to discuss these other issues.</p>
<p>I would rather have my kids quit something than have to spend two years doing something they don’t want to do in a place where they don’t want to live.</p>
<p>Sorry to hear that your going through this! I wonder if it is a combination of factors that are making her panic. Is this the first time that she has been far from home while dating a boyfriend? The boyfriend relationship might be the thing that is throwing her over the edge. </p>
<p>My suggestion would be to take a deep breath until she has met with her advisor. My own D went through something similar this semester and I made her promise that she would not make any rash decisions without discussing them with us first. Of course, it was easier to get her to agree to that because we are funding the bachelor’s degree.</p>
<p>I also emailed my D a list of questions and concerns to ask the advisor. I didn’t want to micromanage the meeting but i knew that my D was emotional and might forget to ask about all of the available options.</p>
<p>The day that she met with the advisor, I got and ecstatic call from her that she got great advice and solutions to all of her problems.</p>
<p>I hope things improve for your D. I really think it’s transitional angst combined with heartache. Poor thing.</p>
<p>Dropping out of graduate school doesn’t have the same implications as dropping out of college. It certainly does not constitute “throwing it all away.” And it’s not “quitting.” It’s more like “cutting your losses” or “changing directions.” </p>
<p>Dropping out of graduate school does not necessarily constitute failure. In fact, staying in a graduate program that is not for you might be more of a failure.</p>
<p>A college degree is a prerequisite for most jobs nowadays. A graduate degree isn’t. I think there is little to be gained by continuing in a program that turns out to be ill-suited for the student’s needs (even if this is because the student’s assessment of what she wants has changed). This is especially true if the student is paying for the graduate program. </p>
<p>It would be a good idea, though, to finish out the semester, hopefully with decent grades, since employers may want your daughter to account for how she spent her time and may ask for a transcript. Besides, the semester has already been paid for. But there’s no need to apologize for the change in direction in her life. When prospective employers ask, she simply has to say, “I started a graduate program in ______ but decided it was not for me, so I left after a semester.” This happens all the time. The world is full of graduate school dropouts (possibly including the employer), and it’s no big deal.</p>
<p>Full disclosure: My son dropped out of graduate school in June after three years in a PhD program and found a good job that closely matches his interests. And more than thirty years ago, I, too, dropped out of graduate school. Nothing awful happened as a result.</p>
<p>I sympathize with you. I think the idea of her seeing if she can do the practicum in the south might be helpful, and would give her something to look forward to. </p>
<p>I have several questions: If she quits the program now, will any portion of her tuition for first semester be refunded? </p>
<p>Is it possible for you or your husband to visit her soon and see whether homesickness is the full explanation for wanting to quit?</p>
<p>Can she come home, or you go there, for Thanksgiving?</p>
<p>Is it even possible for you to keep her on your health insurance if she is no longer a full-time student?</p>
<p>I would urge her to at least complete this semester. It would seem that she would have about 6 weeks left, with Thanksgiving in the middle. If she tolerated the situation this long, perhaps she can hold out for 6 more weeks. Then over Christmas break she can evaluate her options. Sometimes even a few weeks away from the place can give some perspective. I wish you the best!</p>
<p>Not diagnosing here, but reflecting that this is very unusual behavior for her.
Could she be in a depression? Or feeling high anxiety/panic attacks?
Sometimes, esp in young adults, these things just sort of manifest themselves chemically, at the slightest trigger that previously would never have caused any problems in the past.</p>
<p>As to whether this is a “missing my BF too much” issue (a distinct possibility as it would be a new variable to account for new behavior), think back on what you have heard from her about him and their relationship. Try to have a neutral, supportive chat with her about this area of her life: listen, ask q’s, let her open up.</p>
<ul>
<li><p>ask her to finish the semester. </p></li>
<li><p>continue to cover her on health insurance since the law allows this until age 26</p></li>
<li><p>if she moves home, reach a mutual agreement about how long she stays there. Since she hasn’t lived with you since high school, she may not even want to move home. </p></li>
<li><p>be prepared for the possibility that she may want to live with the bf</p></li>
<li><p>accept the fact that grad school may be over. </p></li>
<li><p>try not to consider her a “quitter.” She merely changed her mind. The debt is enough consequence. She doesn’t need disapproval, too. </p></li>
<li><p>look on the bright side. She’s got her undergrad degree. She’s healthy. She’s talking about her troubles with you. It could be a lot worse. </p></li>
</ul>
<p>I’m so sorry you are going through this, and there are lots of good comments above. I do hope she can finish the semester, and then just may need to regroup for a semester or a year. Unfortunately, decent jobs are still somewhat hard to obtain, so I hope she has some luck with that if she does come home. Keep us posted. (I think I might react the same way if I had to live in Boston… )</p>
<p>I already feel better after reading some of these replies. Marian, your reply was especially helpful. EPTR, yes, I feel the BF thing might be the thing throwing her over the edge. A list of questions and concerns is a good idea. I’m glad things worked out for your DD. Schokolade, I don’t think she would consider leaving before the end of the semester and, even if she did, I doubt she could get any type of refund. She is not coming home for Thanksgiving because she is working. She does plan to come home for Christmas, now possibly for good. I was worried, too, about the possibility of depression, performersmom, but I really think “anxiety” is the thing from which she is suffering and she has mentioned that, too. DougBetsy, those are good points, some of which we’ve discussed. </p>
<p>According to her, BF told her if she quits, he’ll break up with her. I guess that’s his way of saying he doesn’t want to the be reason she leaves. She has said she doesn’t see herself spending the rest of her life with him, but she does love him at this time. In a text this morning, she told me that our opinions mean more to her than anything and she’d do just about anything if we told her it was the right/best thing to do. I don’t want to give her bad advice. I just want her to have the best life she can and I was just afraid with her undergrad degree, she would need a master’s degree to find a decent job. She is the one that has told us she’d need her master’s so that’s what I was going by. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that everything works out for the best, whether that means leaving grad school or not. Thanks for the words of encouragement!</p>
<p>Thanks, MOWC. We were surprised when she decided on a school in Boston because she hates the cold weather, but it was the program (at the time) she wanted. She said she would come home and find a full-time job with benefits. I told her that sounded good but, with the economy the way it is, those jobs are hard to come by. I do think she’ll at least finish the semester and I will keep y’all posted.</p>
<p>I very much doubt that Boston is the problem. It is a fabulous place to be a student, with a huge population of students and tons of things to do. And her anxiety started in August, when it is certainly not cold, and–if I read your story correctly–before she had even arrived!</p>
<p>A student who has previously lived 6 1/2 hours away from home, and studied abroad, suddenly wants to come home so desperately?</p>
<p>Something else is going on. If I were you, I would try to talk her into visiting a counselor at her university’s student health services. Talking to her advisor is great, but it sounds to me as if she needs someone to talk to in another way.</p>
<p>I’ll offer a different opinion (surprise, surprise.) It could be Boston. Boston has been pretty rainy and cloudy lately and the general mood is one of efficiency and ambition, but hardly friendliness. Except for walks or runs by the river, there is little nature to renew the spirits. </p>
<p>Her recent emotions came just after her boyfriend’s visit–she obviously misses him greatly. Maybe the long-distance relationship is not working to appease her everyday lonliness. Could it be time for her to date other boys, especially since you say she does not see this one as the “forever” guy anyway?</p>
<p>Better for her to come home after the semester ends and sort out her goals rather than to take out more loans for a field which doesn’t offer jobs in the locations she wants. A masters degree in Sustainable Int’l Development won’t necessarily guaranteee a job anyway. (Perhaps a Ph.D., then a teaching job would, but U’s are cutting back on hiring too.)</p>
<p>She needs your support so much now. Why urge her to do the degree and suffer under the weight of those loans to please you, and then be miserable? I hope she’s able to figure it out. Sounds like she’s a great young woman and will find her success in time.</p>
<p>The first word that came to mind when I read this was “depression.” Her behavior sounds out of character for her. Please do everything you can to get her to a counselor as soon as possible–there are many, many young people who go into a tailspin during college and can become suicidal. Depression tricks the mind and makes a person feel as if there is no good future. When you talk to her, look for the three Bs–bad self, bad world, bad future. In other words, does she express disappointment with herself? Does she find the world unjust? Does she feel as if she has nothing to look forward to and that she cannot imagine her future looking any brighter? The last one is essential. Really depressed people cannot conceive of life being anything but an endless gray stretch of pain. They know they’re supposed to be alive, but they just can’t remember why. So, find out what’s going on with her. And if she needs it, she can be helped by medication–or maybe this program is just not going to work for her. Love her. That’s what depressed people hang onto at their darkest hour–knowing that they can’t hurt the people they love the most.</p>
<p>Would it be possible for you to just get on a plane and go visit her? If this were my daughter, I’d want to get a look at her and try to see what’s happening. Sometimes my kids dump all their anxiety on me and then are perfectly fine. Other times they are even more stressed than they let on. If she can’t come home for Thanksgiving, go to her.</p>
<p>And if she ends up moving home for a bit, that isn’t the end of the world. In fact it is very, very common now. I was shaken when one of mine moved home (for what ended up being about 7 months) and looking back on it, I think “What was the big deal?” She got a job, she eventually moved out. I now feel that I should have relaxed and enjoyed her company.</p>
<p>I’m curious about your daughter. How has she handled other transitions? Did she go far away from home for undergraduate college? Is this her first time in the north?</p>
<p>My daughter has always had a hard time with transitions. She hated the first few weeks at every single school she went to, starting with our move when she was entering second grade, and continuing on to her first few weeks in college. The last time she complained to me, two weeks into a new experience, all I said was “it’s the first few weeks, you’ll be through them soon…” and she was. </p>
<p>If your daughter has never lived in the northeast… well, it’s different. It’s faster, tougher… people talk faster and assume you’re listening faster. (I experienced this when I moved OUT of the northeast when I was 37… everyone seemed to talk so slowly!) Combined with being in graduate school–which is (and should be) more demanding than undergrad–and your daughter is going through a massive demand on her capabilities. Did she struggle with the transition to college? Did she call home a lot while she did her semester abroad? Has she made any new friends yet?</p>
<p>If it were my daughter, I’d advise her to finish the semester and THEN decide if she wanted to stay. She doesn’t have to decide today!</p>
<p>If whatever is the issue will keep her from finishing the degree now, could she finish this semester and then withdraw cleanly so that she can return easily later to complete the degree after resolving whatever the issue is? Many schools are much more generous about readmitting someone who withdrew in good academic standing than they are about new student admissions.</p>
<p>Even better, a student in good academic standing can sometimes take a personal leave of absence, in which case readmission – if that’s what she chooses – is even easier.</p>
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