I haven’t posted in a while but am looking for advise. My daughter is a sophomore majoring in a liberal arts field at a state school that she decided to attend at the last minute. She was always going to major in Music, this was her entire life focus from 7th grade on— and then decided against that Senior year of HS and applied to schools that offered Jornalism programs, was accepted and was ready to attend.
At the last minute she decided she was really undecided and wanted to attend a state school closer to home that “had all of her interests in one place.” She was very fortunate that the state school still held her acceptance and scholarship letting her attend even after not deciding until July. Now she has been there a year in a half and drifts from one major to the next. She is stil on track to graduate because she brought a few classes in and has been taking gen ed. Her grades are decent, I obviously don’t know about this semester. But she has changed her major 4 times since starting school. She gets an interest, begins taking the required course work and inevitably says “I don’t like it”.
This past weekend she came home for dinner and announced the school has nothing to offer her and she wants to transfer to a school that offers a BS in Medical Imaging. I honestly don’t know where that idea came from. Three weeks ago she was going to study Forensic Chemistry. Either way, Math has never been of interest and I feel like were she to transfer schools it would end up being another “I don’t like it” after a few months. She took a math placement test and did quite poorly considering her background. It was good enough to take the “liberal arts” math but would place her in a level below what she would need for Science/Medical.
She claims she has been thinking about this for a long time but I can’t see how as she had a different choice just a few weeks ago. I am baffled. I am also concerned because she was playing club volleyball, is in a sorority, and was a member of two other clubs where she was quite active. She now only mentions that she goes to volleyball “once in a while” and she’s not really enjoying sorority life any longer. She’s burning through her spending money (it’s not a lot though) and stays up very late eating junk food. I know this because she uses her debit card for everything and I can see every transaction because our accounts are connected so I can transfer in money when necessary.
She no longer wants to study abroad which was all she talked about last year. Last summer she had accepted a job offer at a summer camp because she was considering studying education. At the last minute she decided to not do that and stay home “taking classes and finding her true passion”. She ended up taking one class and wasting the summer completely. We told her that would not happen again and she was to use part of her savings as spending money because she didn’t work. Also, if she changes schools she will have no scholarship and it will take her longer to graduate. Meaning WE will end up paying at least an additional $50,000 even if she lives at home, which will be very isolating as all her friends are away at school. She says all we care about is money and that she should just take next semester off completely to research what she wants to do and work. I’m pretty sure she loses her scholarship if she does this and I fear a repeat of summer.
I came up with the idea that she completes one of the many liberal arts degrees she has shown interest in while taking the prerequisite courses for the medical imaging school and if she’s still interested she does that after college and after volunteering in a hospital. She is 100% against that. I came up with that idea because her undergraduate now is basically free. Her plan was to continue on to grad school. I said instead of grad school we would pay for something like Medical Imaging were she to find that was her interest. It would be two more years of school. Her college now has a 2+2 agreement with a medical university for Imaging and she could get the prereqs and complete a liberal arts degree first. Her present declared major is Anthropology with a strong interest in physical anthropology and archaeology. Perhaps coupled with Imaging she could create something there. But she seems dead set against it but wouldn’t dream of leaving school just a few months ago.
I’ve asked if something happened? She says no. I worry she’s depressed and making a rash decision. She was angry I brought up depression and I really haven’t seen her enough to know. She does seem to be withdrawing from activities and feels like she’s putting herself under extreme pressure for “a stupid liberal arts degree with no future”. I’m not sure what we should do. Obviously she will do what she wants. But we don’t have money to just throw at each and every whim she comes up with. If it is depression I thought of maybe a medical leave? But at this point I don’t even know if she will agree to see a doctor. Not sure how to proceed…
Your post is a lot to take in. I feel for you. After reading it the word that comes to mind is scattered.
Normally my response would be “no way” to major switch again and take on debt. However, your dd will have greater job prospects with a medical imaging degree rather than a Liberal Arts degree like Anthropology. For that reason, I’d find a way to work with her. But I agree your solution of finishing gen eds at the current school to save money and obtain that degree first is a great idea.
I hate to even think this but with the money spending, staying up late, eating junk food, withdrawing from activities and general scattered behavior I can’t help but wonder if there is drug use going on here. I consider pot smoking drug use (some don’t these days which is why I clarified that). Again, I do not mean to alarm you and I hope this is not the case. I only mentioned it because you are clearly looking for answers.
It sounds like she needs a little more responsibility in her life. Maybe telling her that she is responsible for her own spending money and no more debit card is in order? Sometimes having more “skin in the game” can help on focus. Good luck. I hope things work out.
It sounds like there is a lot going on that she is not sharing with you.She seems to need professional help. Do your best to get her professional help. She needs to stay where she is. There is no way I would agree to her leaving the school where she has a scholarship.
One of the problems here seems to be too strong a link, in her mind and maybe yours, between college education and career. She should just study what interests her and not worry yet about career. That said, outside of academics, she can intern or volunteer or work and get some practical skills. Many many kids-even at Harvard- don’t know what they want to do for work. It’s fine.
Too bad she didn’t do music if she loves that. Why did she change from music? Can she go back to that idea? Does she enjoy anthropology?
I can really sympathize with your daughter. Our culture seems to want everyone to have some sort of “passion” and clear idea of work, when the reality is quite different. And passion can be separate from work as well, of course.
Maybe tell her to stop trying to fit herself into a box that doesn’t fit, and just pick something and stick with it to graduate. Just get the bachelor’s regardless and worry about work later. And maybe she can get back into music in some way!
It does seem possible that some depression is happening due to her withdrawal from some social life, and only a visit will clear that up. I hope you can go see her and have a talk.
Maybe she still wants music but somewhere along the line she’s been convinced she needs a “practical” degree. So journalism was a good choice out of high school. Her other more science oriented courses are interesting but not " her thing"
You’ve given her good options. Maybe some research as to the type of careers she could achieve from those partial degrees would help her pick one and complete it. People go back to school all the time for second degrees after working but she needs to finish one first.
Has she studied all the majors? Not just by major name but the actual courses that they encompass. She may discover one that was never on her radar that would suit her more.
I’m probably a mean mom, but I’d tell her: I loved her very much, will continue to cheer her on, but that I am only willing to pay for a dorm/meals (whatever it is you are paying for now) at the state school for X (whatever is left of your initial expectation was when she started) semesters.
My D had a lot of credits when she went to school and called us on the third day there to inform us she wanted to change her major, a change that would have moved her out of a competitive college and a competitive major she had worked hard to get in to and extended her time in school since her general classes didn’t match the other colleges requirements and she would have effectively wasted a year’s worth of earned credits. She wanted to know what I thought…
She had worked hard for that limited seat in the program but she didn’t owe it to herself to use it.
She didn’t even owe it to me to use it even though I was paying the bill.
But she certainly owed it to the kid that was denied that seat because she was chosen instead.
She never brought up changing a major again and stuck to her program.
If your daughter is being heavily subsidized by the institution through a scholarship, that means there is a student who could have used that opportunity instead. I think beyond herself or you, she owes it to the institution that is investing in her to stick it out and complete a degree within the funded opportunity they have given her. Her school is counting on her to be a student that finishes a degree to help them with their graduation rates, retention rates and be an alumni.
In the future she will be asking others to invest in her: a first job, a promotion, grant money, funded graduate studies, etc. She needs to be the kind of person people can expect to hold up their end of the bargain and understand the implicit obligations the opportunities extended to her entail.
You hold the purse strings. Tell her she needs to be mature and make a decision. There are plenty of majors she can choose. I think your instinct is correct. You will get more of the same if she transfers, and it will likely cost even more money. Another school won’t give her a scholarship, and may not accept her credits. You are the parent, and unless she is paying her own way, she doesn’t have the option of changing things on a whim, unless you let her.
I have to agree with those saying stick it out. At many colleges, you don’t declare a major until your 5th semester, after taking a variety of courses in different disciplines. She’s only in her 3rd semester. And frankly, a vocational degree in medical imaging will limit not broaden her job opportunities. Graduating with a liberal arts degree, regardless of major, prepares students for many, many careers.
I don’t think it’s unusual for students to change majors or interests as they are exposed to classes and information. However, I think I would strongly suggest that she get some counseling to help her gain some clarity and come up with a solid plan for her next steps.
I will tell you that one of my juniors just declared her two majors this fall. She is completely on track to graduate because her classes supported these majors even though she wasn’t ready to declare until now.
My second junior declared her major last spring at the end of her sophomore year, but it just declaring her minor this week as a junior.
What would concern me about your DD is that she changes direction so frequently. Tell her it’s okay to be a bit lost, but then she needs to pursue help so that she’s smart about her next moves.
I’m in the pick something this year and stick with it camp. My first didn’t settle down until the end of sophomore year, and I told him to look at all the classes he had taken and major in the ones he got the As in which happened to be English and Business classes he had taken (he had been in Anthropology on paper). He ended up double majoring and getting out in 4 years. He does nothing, really nothing related to his degree other than than tangentially, but they helped and the degree is what gets the promotions. It’s difficult for some kids to settle down, and especially so if they don’t have some passion for something coming in…which is probably at best most kids. But you are the parent and you are subsidizing so tell her to settle down.
If she really can’t, then see if she can take a year off and work and support herself which will give her a taste of what it really means to support oneself AND if she can keep the scholarship when she comes back. Give her two choices: pick a major and stick it out or stop going to college for a year and work if she can keep her scholarship. You could, if the relationship is not turning too adversarial, look over her transcript with her and talk about the classes she has taken and what she liked and didn’t like. Tell her to get her mind off future earnings…most kids with a little effort will start at a job somewhere that will give them a minimal living wage if they buddy up in an apartment. She’s clearly not headed to a $50,000-$65,000 starting salary anyway no matter what major she chooses outside of a few that as a sophomore she’s probably past being able to complete in 4 years.
Too bad if she abandoned music in the interest of something more “practical.” Music majors can have any career available to someone with a bachelors, and attend business, law, medical and nursing schools or other grad programs. There are many ways to study music as well (BA,BM, double major, major/minor/double degree, or continued privately outside academics). There is an excellent music major forum here on CC where the issue of “practicality” is, sadly, often discussed. One of mine is in a PhD program for academic music and teaching undergrads and has fine job prospects- in and out of music.
Medical imaging is a decent career. One of my older daughter’s friends majored in it and is going fine now that she has graduated.
I understand how frustrating this is as a parent. I doesn’t sound all that far off from what I have seen with some other kids. I think that it is difficult for a kid to figure out what they want to do with their life and they need to decide with little information.
Honestly, before you even mentioned it, I thought “depression” while reading your first post. And, it may just be slight temporary depression because she feels pressured to pick something. Is she close to having enough credits for an associate degree? That might be a first place to start to give her some confidence about her pathway. I would encourage her to talk to someone, maybe touch on the depression and her lack of commitment to a field. Perhaps someone trained in such matters can help guide her in her next steps.
To weigh in on the other side, I don’t think it’s sad at all to be practical when it comes to discussions of college completion or major. Unless you are wealthy enough that the money you spend on college doesn’t have a financial impact on you, college is as much an investment as a time of personal discovery.
I believe we do kids a huge disservice by talking about college and careers primarily as a way to pursue a passion. The reality is that most of us will need to be self-supporting and that it’s often difficult to be self-supporting while only doing things we are passionate about. So many kids have grown up believing that if only they can find a true passion, they will magically love their work and be financially secure at the same time; the cold, hard slap of reality is what causes depression in them when they realize they can’t pay their bills by only doing things they love. It’s not kind to kids to set them up for this type of disappointment.
Not every degree needs to lead to a career where a person will be rich, and people should never be encouraged to commit themselves to something they hate, but it’s entirely reasonable to look at the financial realities and implications of college majors and careers.
This must be frustrating for both of you. My feeling when I read your post is that she is just completely overwhelmed by all the options available to her, and this may be causing her to slide towards being a bit depressed because she can’t quite settle on what it is she wants to do. Her level of focus and consistency also seem to be issues. It seems that counseling is definitely warranted, and the sooner the better. Perhaps talking things through with a professional will help her focus and take some of that pressure off. A therapist can also asses whether what she is going through is normal or something more, like depression, ADD or both. Best wishes!!
I’d say the bank of mom/dad is good for eight semesters at the rate we are paying now. Do as you will, but you have to be self supporting at the end of that. Then I’d leave her to figure it out.
College isn’t for everyone. Or maybe it’s for her- but not right now.
OTOH, it is so tempting to just tell her to suck it up and get a degree in something and figure it out after the fact.
OTOH, if she’s really not enjoying her studies, being stretched intellectually, developing artistically/politically/etc. what’s the point in paying for her to slog through it to get her ticket punched?
I’d be encouraging her to visit her academic advisor ASAP (as in yesterday) to evaluate her options if she takes a semester off. (how to maintain her current academic standing, minimize the financial hit, put the scholarship on hold, etc.) Then tell her she gets to figure out what comes next. A job and living at home. Taking the first class in medical imaging at a community college near you while working part time. etc.
But you don’t want her to be in college if she’s not taking advantage of what college is all about. It is fine for her to take time out to figure things out… but since you are only able to support her for 8 semesters total, she needs to make sure that each and every semester is moving her towards completing her BA.
OP–I think your D is overwhelmed and confused. Before she changes anything, I’d suggest that she should go and see a counselor at her school and talk about what is really bothering her. It really does seem like there’s something more than just her inability to find something that interests her. At the very least, she might go to career counseling/support and talk to the folks there about future possibilities.