DD wants to quit, change schools, change majors AGAIN

Parents Forum
81

@ClassicRockerDad Well, I guess this is where we differ again. When DS2 was younger signed up for chorus. Sign a form. His choice. Then he wanted to quit. I told him he had to stick with it. I didn’t care if he ever signed up but once you commit, you commit. This is in regards to the job she left. And if you are going to be lazy all summer, we’re not handing over spending money.

OP’s daughter is acting erractic. In our family we can only afford to hand over 50k for education ONE time. And if they received a large scholarship, I’d expect them to be respectful of their parents enough to try to keep it. You can choose the school we can afford and the major. Based on the daughter’s instability and immaturity, we would not be would be willing to invest in her latest choice without recalibration. She can move out and get a job and do whatever she wants but no funding while she is in crisis. Emotional support is always available.

82

I have never been that rigid with the kids…if they sincerely tried a sport or tried an instrument and put a year or two into it then decided it was not for them, I let it go. I was willing to wait it out until the end of sophomore year for two of the three to settle into a major. How much time one considers a “commitment” is going to vary - for me a year or two fulfills the idea of a commitment and even then sometimes a person simply makes the wrong decision. I have one job that I held for 3 months, it was a total and unmitigated mistake and a poor fit. I don’t feel guilty or unethical in the least. I would tend to take ClassicRockerDad’s approach in some sense, I would certainly give her a total $$ amount I was willing to pay for undergrad and I would let her figure it out. I do think the OPs D acted very passive aggressively by originally refuses to see the OP, but that is not uncommon as young adults go through maturation. Driving to her college to confront her was also aggressive considering she was going to be home in a very short period of time. But it’s an entirely possible that is how the relationship is defined - one person pushes and the other pushes back.

83

I have never been that rigid with the kids…if they sincerely tried a sport or tried an instrument and put a year or two into it then decided it was not for them, I let it go. I was willing to wait it out until the end of sophomore year for two of the three to settle into a major. How much time one considers a “commitment” is going to vary - for me a year or two fulfills the idea of a commitment and even then sometimes a person simply makes the wrong decision. I have one job that I held for 3 months, it was a total and unmitigated mistake and a poor fit. I don’t feel guilty in the least. I would tend to take ClassicRockerDad’s approach in some sense, I would certainly give her a total $$ amount I was willing to pay for undergrad and I would let her figure it out. I do think the OPs D acted very passive aggressively or maybe even aggresively, but that is not uncommon as young adults go through maturation.

84

@momofthreeboys I would let them change their mind at the correct point. If you sign a contract to sing for a year, if you commit to a summer job, you don’t just walk away. They can make their own choices for activities but they do need to honor their choices. And DD has not been keeping her word. Saying she will then take classes after abandoning the job. Then only taking one. So there is a breakdown of trust.

I could be wrong but I think OP was worried about DD’s mental health, thus the visit.

85

When they ASK on each of these things, yes, I help a lot. They have to ask. They often do. They are free to not ask. They are free to mess up. I am not responsible. They own what they do.

When D2 had too much responsibility in her sorority and got 2 Cs, we said nothing. Not a decision I would have made, but it wasn’t my decision. I’m certainly open to the possibility that the leadership in the sorority was more valuable than the 2 Cs. Who am I to TELL her different. She has to live her life. She’s happy in grad school now. It’s water under the bridge.

We all need the freedom to make our own mistakes and recover. It never ends. There are so many mistakes I haven’t even made yet!

86

^OP said she couldn’t afford many changes. A 22k budget which is probably room and board for two years at the current place and then the kids owns her chooses. Insurance until she ages out. If she doesn’t attend school and works, she pays some rent.

87

then she owns her *choices

88

^^If that is the financial reality, so be it. It is what it is.

Judgement-free emotional support when asked for, should be free and unconditional though.

89

^Judgement free emotional support but that doesn’t give kiddo the right to be rude and disrespectful. Set the conditions and give her a big wide space to own her choices.

90

Sorry, I’m late from the party. I was just like OP. I changed my major to Biology just last month ago. I recently just discovered that Marine Biology was something I would love to do. I love the ocean and the study of organisms in the sea. I recently told my mom I wanted to transfer out of my current institution because they didn’t have my major. She said If I transfer I won’t transfer again. So i’m trying hard enough to have lots of information before I transfer to a new school. The problem with your daughter is that I believe she is changing majors because of the required courses. It may be the reason why she keeps changing it. For example, I changed my major to biology because I didn’t want to take Physics because I suck at it. My mom mention if I have the right support I would ace it in the summer.

91

Tell your daughter, This will be the last time you going to transfer and she’ll understand why.

92

[QUOTE=""]
I was just like OP.<<<<<<

[/QUOTE]

   This is a far from reassuring comparison.
93

I think what NASA2014 means is that his plans for a major have also changed a few times. I don’t think that’s uncommon.

I think the indecision on the part of OP’s daughter is a symptom of another issue though. She apparently has a history of depression that dates back to high school. It’s not surprising her mom had concerns. Her daughter’s reaction to that concern seems to have been designed to worry and punish OP. I’d pull the plug on paying for college until she learned to behave better.

I don’t think it matters how old you are; you don’t get to talk back to your parents, lie to them, and treat them however you want without some sort of natural consequence. Your kid refuses do chores all week and won’t acknowledge your presence, and at the end of the week you’re still going to give them an allowance and let them go out with their friends? It wouldn’t happen in my house. This is no different. Children who aren’t mature enough to communicate on an adult level aren’t mature enough to decide how I’m going to spend $50,000 of my money.

I’d encourage her to get a job and start saving toward her tuition and let her see how long it takes. When she’s ready to return to school (with a plan for completing her education in a reasonable time and at a reasonable cost) then I’d revisit her options.

94

@austinmshauri Is right. That is what I meant to say.

What does your daughter want to do? I, for example, want to work in a lab environment and study biochemistry along with biology and chemistry. Found out that pharmaceutical was a good career, then yesterday I found out I wanted to study marine science. I’m not sure what to do with my life. It’s either that or something different every week. Why all the sudden she wants to do medical imaging?

95

So many different parenting philosophies. You really have to follow your own :slight_smile:

96

I have a couple of thoughts/comments:

We all have different views as to what a parent’s responsibility is to their kid, and how much of a say a parent should have in their child’s life at different stages. That’s OK, but it’s important that the parent and child both have an understanding about the expectations on each side, and that requires communication. So the fact that OP’s D lied, and then cut off communication, is really worrisome.

As an aside, there’s a thread on CC about the 3 UCLA basketball players and one of the posters points out that kids’ brains and the ability to properly access risks isn’t fully developed until, I believe, 26.

Anyway, IMO, I don’t think of most college students as being fully formed adults. Most are at least partially financially dependent on their parents. IMO, if a student is not fully self-sufficient and if the parent is helping to support the launching, I think this is a joint effort and there should be plenty of communication between the parents and child.

Right now it seems as if D is acting as though OP doesn’t have any skin in the game. Besides love, care and concern, OP does have financial skin in the game. OP is currently paying some school expenses not covered by the scholarship and spending money. OP had also previously offered to pay some money towards grad school (and presumably if D switches schools and no longer has a scholarship, this money would go to pay for college instead, or if D stays and doesn’t go to grad school, OP gets to keep this for her retirement). So any move D makes with regard to her college education does have an impact on OP. Yes, OP could avoid this by deciding how much money OP is willing to spend on a launching and let D decide how that money is spent, but then not give one cent more if D goes over that amount. For me, I could never say that I will give $X and no more. So for me, I’d need to be careful about $X, and try to spend it as judiciously as possible, and that means having a say in how that money (my money) is spent.

I think that one of the problems that our kids face is they see kids from other families who have different rules. So, for instance, if their roommate’s family says you get $X and can spend it any way you see fit, that creates friction in the family where the parents want to retain control over the money but are willing to spend perhaps even more money later on. For me, I think if there is good communication between a parent and a child, the child can understand and accept the different parenting style.

OP, I’m very sorry that your daughter is cutting off communication. Your D needs to realize that a relationship is a two-way street, and that she has to follow through with her side of the relationship, which at this point is predominantly having good communication with you. I’m sorry, but I don’t know how to accomplish that. I’m sure you don’t want to be heavy-handed with “we pay for you, so you must”, but hopefully you can appeal to her basic sense of fairness so you don’t have to be heavy handed.

Besides the issue with communication, I thought the comment about the school and orchestra not being good enough for the D was insightful.

I’m curious whether your D was admitted to a top school and didn’t go because of the scholarship, or whether this is woulda/coulda/shoulda. My only thought here is whether she might feel that you didn’t adequately support her in her college quest (she might think that her cousins and friends had parents who paid for their dreams but she didn’t ?), or whether she never got in. I guess what I’m saying is that our kids get their expectations from people around them, and if they are being treated similarly to their peer group, there is no problem, but when they receive less than their peers for whatever reason, they can feel short-changed. I know several kids whose parents are being careful with undergraduate money because they are going to use that money to pay for grad school instead, but those kids are pretty upset about having limited undergraduate choices; I’m sure they’ll be grateful when it comes time to pay for the grad school, but they can’t see that right now.

I’d also want to find more information about the boyfriend and what impact this relationship is having on D’s choices. This isn’t to undermine the relationship or anything else, it’s just to gain an understanding of what’s going on. IMO, the more knowledge, the better.

Sorry for the long post, but I just wanted to end it with, the most important thing is to leave your D with the knowledge that she is always loved and that you are there for her.

97

Daughter was home this week for Thanksgiving. Everything went pretty well. We talked several times at length and she said she just doesn’t know what she wants to do. She likes Anthropology which is her present major but “just can’t decide”. Her words. And it really bothers her. She wants to be “practical” but she didn’t get that from us. We encouraged her to study anything, and when she was really into music we were right there with her. She’s registered for next semester and with next semesters classes all of her gen ed will be done. She switched a Chem class to Photography just last night. I asked why the last minute change? She said “You said I should take what I like, not just what I think I should. I love Photography. I can take the Chemistry later if necessary.” Now, it fits as an arts requirement so I have no idea why she wouldn’t have already planned to take it. She has always loved Photography and has a good eye. Over winter break she plans on taking music lessons again with her high school private lesson teacher and trying cello. She brought this up on her own. I said it sounded like a good idea. If she falls in love with music again we are willing to have her take time off and pursue that, applying in a year. But there would be some definite rules if she wants to take time off and study music. She is not planning on being in a music ensemble if at school next semester as she said she doesn’t like their level of play. I have since heard this from a few others who watched the performance, and I would tend to agree. I will be interested in seeing her grades this semester, also when she’s home if there is signs of depression we will be able to see that more. She went to a party with a few HS friends and mentioned there would be people “she didn’t like” there which bothered me a bit because they were her friends in HS until she became depressed. But I was glad she went, and she said she had fun. it I also told her she should job shadow somebody in medical imaging over break. She said ok but said the more she thought about the daily repetition of the job the less interesting it seemed. Taking a leave is still on the table.

The lying and the way she has treated us has been hurtful, but overall she is a wonderful girl with a talent for music and writing. She is creative. She loves travel. She’s introverted and has always been on the shy side. Pledging a sorority was a big deal for her, I was shocked when she said she was going to do it. She’s never been into that kind of thing. If she’s passionate about something she’s working on the results are breath taking. Top honors. Awards. If not she gives average effort. She has a small core group of friends and her boyfriend. She now acts like the one thing she knows is certain about her future is her boyfriend. I don’t know how I feel about that. I met him once for a few hours at a family reunion. Seemed very nice, respectful, is now deployed. She never, ever wanted to get married until meeting him, but they haven’t really spent that much time together. But he encourages her to study whatever she really wants to and seems to have a good head on his shoulders. I asked if her plan was to leave school when he came back. She said no, but he’s from CA and we are in NY. If he doesn’t re-enlist he is done next October. If he re-enlists it’s because he passed some tests to get in a program that he wants which is not around here. So I wonder about her plans with him.I just don’t want her to rush into anything as an “escape”.

She says she regrets not going to the school she had originally planned on, she was too scared because it was so big and seemed so competitive. I reminded her that the school she was at is no slouch, she has a scholarship and many successful people have attended.

She mentioned commuting fall semester and studying abroad the following Spring. At least she thinks that now, if she stays at the present school. She said her boyfriend has encouraged study abroad so I see that as a positive. I asked why would she commute, she said to save us what we pay and she’s not a fan of dorm life. (Another thing she now says she doesn’t like). I worry about a long commute from home as isolating and a reason to quit.

I want to say she’s now being completely honest but really how can I know? I worry about her. I know she’s an adult but she seems lost at times.

98

Your parental antennae are up and it may be for good reason. We all learn to trust our instincts. That said, many of us whose kids have gotten off the track a bit, so to speak, will tell you that no matter what choices your daughter makes, things have a way of working themselves out over time.

It is great that she is doing photography and getting back into music. She sounds like a kid who is happy being creative, and it is clear that you encourage that and say all the right things.

One of mine is getting a doctorate in music and does a lot of art history and photography too. In high school this kid also did theater, and at an early age did a lot of writing. I remember one artsy liberal arts college admissions director saying that kids who are creative can be creative in many different ways. Perhaps that is your daughter.

Being away from the boyfriend must be hard, and the uncertainty about when he is out. Many couples do do long distance for a year or so. Will she be through three years when he gets out, if he doesn’t redeploy?

I’m with her on dorm life by the way!!! Would an apartment be better, and affordable?

Lots going on. Nothing specific to point to which can make it more unsettling when you are worried. I hope that the Christmas break proves helpful. Good luck!

99

OP- your last post triggered something for me- “Tops honors and awards”.

Try not to set up a dynamic where she’s supposed to be tops and award winning at something she cares about. Remind her that adults often are just average at what they do. It’s ok to do something hard and not be great at it. She can play her instrument with the school’s ensemble and doesn’t need to be a stand-out, she can just enjoy making music with other people who love music. She can enjoy being part of a sorority even if she finds some of the activities stupid. She can “outgrow” her HS friends (most people do) and still enjoy socializing with them for a few hours every couple of months.

I’m sensing a lot of high stakes/bifurcated thinking on her part which isn’t very realistic in the grown up world. I love a few of my colleagues; I tolerate a few; the rest are fine and smart and nice but nobody I’d want to hang out with unless I was getting paid for it. I love what I do overall which doesn’t mean I love every day or even parts of most days.

Right? Take the opportunity to remind her that YOUR life isn’t a day at the beach either, she doesn’t need to excel to still enjoy what she does.

100

@redeye41 Is she at least aware and apologetic of her behavior or is she navel gazing and unaware of her vehicle’s impact on her family. Can you help set expectations?

It overall sounds better. Can she live at the sorority in the fall of have a fun apartment with friends. She seems all over the place with concern. A very expensive career switch that could cost you 50k to worrying about room and board. I would be O’k with my student not working in the summer under these conditions if there was some serious wellness plan. A counselor, physical fitness activities, artistic outlet. Is there another musical opportunity for her outside of school? She only has two years of college music and then what?