<p>Been a lurker for awhile. Great forums and great advice given. Hope that someone has dealt with my problem and can offer some advice. My dd is a freshman at a highly regarded east coast school. Not an ivy but great reputation. We live in the south. She is not happy and wants to transfer to a school about 6 hrs. away from home. The dilemma is that we are paying 40k/yr for this college. We have no problem with her transferring but, are not going to pay same amt. for the school in the south. It just isnt worth the money. We are afraid the same thing will happen st the new school.We thought a good compromise would be a state school. One of which has wonderful academics and is rated higher than where she wants to go. Well, dd doesn't like the middle ground. It is this school or none. keep in mind the only thing she can say that she likes about the transfer school is that she likes the location. How to convince her to see the big picture. The school she is in right now is great with recruiting and grad school admits. I am afraid she is just thinking she has to be happy 24/7. She says "these are suppose to be the best years of my life". It doesnt help that she went the furthest away to college of all her friends. What to do? Thanks</p>
<p>What's the real reason? Boyfriend at the transfer school? Need more info. You're gonna have to name names!! :)</p>
<p>D isn't giving a valid enough reason= classes, social life, dorms, food, homework, getting dumped, weather, mean people, loneliness- something you can work with. Why did she choose first school - reputation? and is that why she insists on second school? </p>
<p>If she isn't clear on what is bothering her about school she is at, then she probably won't find happiness elsewhere. She needs to give you some valid reasons before making the switch- the new school could be just the same</p>
<p>You as parents know if this is typical of your daughter. Is she a two feet on the ground realist who is articulating to your staisfaction why she is unhappy at present school? It sounds like she does not have a good rational for where she wants to transfer.</p>
<p>IMO, it is fair for the family to sit down and outline the problems at current school, what the criterian should be, to all of your satisfaction, for the transfer schools to be considered and what the financial peramaters the parents are comfortable with are.</p>
<p>As a parent it's fine to say you do not feel comfortable supporting a choice on nothing more than location. It's fair to say what you will pay for given schools and tell daughter she will have to invest in loans if her choice is a school you don't choose to support.</p>
<p>It's always great when you can choose to support your child's choice. But if you know they are flighty and not well considered, there is no reason to humor them with your funds.</p>
<p>IMO it is risky to insist on a college where dd is truly unhappy, even if she can't or won't articulate solid reasons for her unhappiness. I know what it is like to be unhappy at an excellent university. If it were me, I would aim for some sort of compromise.</p>
<p>If my D couldnt give me a reason, even if I thought it was silly, I wouldn
't know if the change would make a difference, that is why knowing is important. Its not really insisting on a college they are unhappy with, its just not moving to another college which may be better, but may not be if we don't know what is wrong in the first place. It she can't explain what is making her unhappy, then she may not be able to find happiness at any school. Gut feeling is something to be trusted, but usually when looked into, people can find a reason for that feeling.</p>
<p>I would insist on knowing exactly what about college B is so much more desirable than either college A or the state uni. It would help clarify what is making the student unhappy at college A and perhaps put things in perspective. If the student insists on college B over the state uni, the parents need to erxplain fully the financial concerns. They have every right not to want to fork a lot of money over for a mediocre education chosen deliberately over a better one.</p>
<p>I agree with the other parents. Your D needs to name her specific problems with the colleges where she is attending. She also needs to name what she has done to address those problems. General unhappiness isn't enough. </p>
<p>In fact, if what she has is general unhappiness, the problem could be clinical depression, and therapy and/or meds would be the cure, not a geographical change. </p>
<p>Regardless of what your D thinks the problem is due to, I suggest that she use her current college's counseling center to help her clarify her options. From what you've posted, sounds like she may be expecting that things would be delightful 24/7 at the new college, which is not realistic.</p>
<p>I agree that there's got to be a real explanation. Transferring is a huge pain and a major social challenge, and there's no reason to think that just getting out of Dodge is going to make her happier unless there's concrete problems at the present school that aren't going to repeat themselves.</p>
<p>"Tell us why you want to do X, we need a reason". But then, whatever reason is given, can become "That's not a good enough reason to do X, we knew you didn't have a good reason."</p>
<p>So, a kid's willingness to give reasons depends on the confidence she has that her reasons will be respected.</p>
<p>Naturally, there are two sides to every story and parents ultimately decide how they want to spend their money. But, since parents are the adults, IMO it is up to them to be certain that the overall relationship allows for the free expression of, and respect for, a kid's reasons.</p>
<p>Thank you all for great advice. One reason she chose college A is because she was recruited to play at a sport. It is a Div1 school (Patriot League)and she has always wanted to play at a school where academics came first, athletics second. However the coach that recruited her left, and the new coach is tougher. She took a time out in the fall but is now back to participating. I asked her to think about why she chose school A and she said soccer. Given that, at the new school she will not be playing soccer.
My husband and I seem to think that like alot of you she will not be happy at school B. She was very happy in H.S. and loved everything about it. She is seeing a counselor after our urging and he has said that she is depressed, but daughter doesnt want to take medication. Just before school started she was diagnosed with hypothroidism and we know that this can cause depression.
Her counselor is not encouraging her to take meds.
I agree with alot of you that her reasons are not valid enough to warrant a transfer. I know her, and she is not yet mature enough to see down the road a bit.Her state of mind isnt going to change just because she changes schools. Her unhappiness has gotten better since the year began. At first she hated the school due to distance, no friends, weather, culture. However, she does admit that now she loves her friends, and the culture shock has worn off. She has no boyfriend at school B but has good good friends there. I think she wants to go there, because she feels comfortable knowing that she will have a set of readymade friends. Basically, easier socially.
Sorry post so long. Now you know why I never posted before lol. Hard to balance what we think is best for our daughter, when she seems unhappy. That is why our compromise seems valid. She has not yet heard from College B and will hear June 1. She did not apply to any state schools despite our advice. This is making picking her up at school quite difficult since I am flying there and she will have to store her stuff.</p>
<p>Cap5-- I think it was Jamimom last year who said that some kids are lilies and are fragile and need a lot of support; some are daisies and can basically thrive in a crack in a sidewalk if need be.</p>
<p>Prior to the depression, which was your daughter? I wouldn't be inclined to make a kid who was somewhat fragile emotionally "tough it out" in a place she wanted to leave... even if I didn't quite buy in to the reasons, or really understand her rationale. If she needs a lot of support in general, that coupled with a medical condition plus depression sounds like a recipe for trouble.</p>
<p>Cap5- I sent you a Private Message. Thanks.</p>
<p>"She is seeing a counselor after our urging and he has said that she is depressed, but daughter doesnt want to take medication"</p>
<p>Some research has indicated that the best treatment for depression is therapy plus meds. With that in mind, I encourage your daughter to consider taking meds -- and to get them prescribed by a psychiatrist, not a general practitioner. A psychiatrist is far more likely to carefully perscribe the meds and then to follow her medically, not hand her a bunch of samples and basically say "good luck."</p>
<p>Also, if she's clinically depressed for medical reasons, simply changing locations isn't likely to help her.</p>
<p>I also think that her assumptions about ready made friends aren't necessarily true. Lots of people go off to colleges where their high school friends are and then find that in the new atmosphere, the old friendships do not continue.</p>
<p>"our compromise".</p>
<p>The compromise that seems valid to you apparently does not seem valid to her and therefore is not a "compromise". </p>
<p>Nor would it be a "compromise" to simply accede to her desire for B.</p>
<p>She has given good reasons for her unhappiness, as you related in your last post. On the other hand, it sounds like she is getting help, and settling in with friends, at A. So, it may be that A will work out.</p>
<p>But I agree with blossom that it would be risky to simply compel her to stay at A. Hopefully, with you listening to and validating her concerns, and with the support and friendship she is getting, she will eventually come on her own to see that A may well be a good place for her.</p>
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<blockquote> <p>I also think that her assumptions about ready made friends aren't necessarily true. Lots of people go off to colleges where their high school friends are and then find that in the new atmosphere, the old friendships do not continue.>></p> </blockquote>
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<p>That is so true!</p>
<p>Would a gap year be in order? If she is a bit immature, that would allow her to grow up a bit.</p>
<p>My stepdaughter was diagnosed hypothyroid and was depressed a few years back. She has now been on natural thyroid medication for several years and is doing very well - no anti-depressants were required. </p>
<p>I would say, jump on the thyroid treatment right away as you may get the same satisfactory results (mood improvement, courage to tackle things) from that. Perhaps then you could give it a few months and reassess at winter break.</p>
<p>I dont know that I would call my dd a fragile blossom, but like most 19 year olds she is not very independant. No matter where she ends up she will still have to learn to become more independant. We have not discussed a gap year, but I do not see her wanting to do that. When she is home in the summer I am hoping she will see a qualified psychiatrist, for a more complete consultation. A side note we discussed this with my daughters endocrinologist, and his wife sits on the board at Duke. He said the general unhappiness of first year students is on the rise, because children are more dependant on thier parents. Cell phones, text messages computers, im. Where as when our generation went to college, most of us could just call on Sunday nights after 9 when the rates went down. Those were the days. LOL</p>
<p>Well, it's too late to transfer this year, so she needs to go back in the fall or withdraw for a semester or two. I'd suggest she plan to go back for the fall--give it a try after she's tried therapy and antidepressants (which simply regulate serotonin uptake, for those of you who don't get that depression is a lot like diabetes---a mistake of body chemistry)---and see if she still wants to transfer.</p>
<p>Before I jumped to meds and therapy, I'd have my child out of that school. Then, if the issues persisted, I'd seek help for her.</p>
<p>Sometimes, it really is your environment that makes you miserable. That's why people get divorced. </p>
<p>She might have to take a semester off or go to community college for a semester but I would check with the college she wants to go to and see if it's too late to transfer. </p>
<p>It's her life. She's 19. Let her make the decision. You say she needs to be more independent. Well, here's the start.</p>