<p>"Sometimes, it really is your environment that makes you miserable. That's why people get divorced. </p>
<p>IMO if the divorce is due to something like a spouse's physical abuse or substance abuse, that's the kind of environment that makes divorce a good option.</p>
<p>Often, though, people divorce because they're depressed due to having a medical problem or simply being unhappy about how they are leading their lives in ways that have little to do with their spouse, and in such instances, divorce won't solve their problems. Therapy, meds, reassessing reality could solve their problems. </p>
<p>Anyway, switching schools is a major decision, and I wouldn't want a kid to transfer unless they were very sure that they were being realistic about what they would be getting into. Depression, too, can be life threatening, so I would want to make sure that all options were addressed in treating the depression. </p>
<p>Even when people transfer to a place that genuinely is better for them, the move will cause some disruption in their lives as well as feelings of anxiety/stress. This could make depression worse, which also is a risk.</p>
<p>Nah, I don't buy it. I've seen too many people medicate themselves and self destruct when it really was the marriage that was making them miserable. Any time you need medication to stay in a situation, you might want to reconsider staying in that situation.</p>
<p>It really isn't a major decision. She's unhappy with her school. She wants to change schools. Seems like a no-brainer to me, psychobabble notwithstanding.</p>
<p>Whoa, I think she needs another counselor - because either she is truly depressed and needs either treatment for her hypothyroidism (which, truth to tell, she may need no matter what), or for clinical depression, OR she is not really depressed, and just has a counselor who is using words loosely.
Depression is a medical diagnosis with serious implications, especially if it is new in onset - it is not feeling sad, or not fitting in or being tired after too long workouts with the new coach. Also, it usually would not be diagnosed in its true form in a person with hypothyroidism, because that can produce the same symptoms.
Now she gets appropriate diagnosis and treatment, and still hates the school - that is a different thing.</p>
<p>I would suggest a slightly different approach. I would ask, "If your present college were exactly what you wanted, or you could wave a wand and make it that way, what would it be like for you there?" </p>
<p>After a few minutes of listening, say, "Let's get to some specifics, what would the perfect college be like in the morning... (go through entire day and evening). "How about the weekend?"</p>
<p>Remind her that this is perfection and it is okay to dream. </p>
<p>Now, ask how her current school differs from the current situation. By comparing the two, you will get an idea of the critical issues involved, i.e., academic, social, personal (clinically depressed), etc. It will also set some criteria for evaluating any potential alternative schools. (A variation of this approach is not a bad process for helping to decide which school to choose at the outset.)</p>
<p>Back in the olden days when more people married because they were in heat, there were many marriages which had very little conscious decision to them. These days, the moral majority not withstanding, it is far less likely that people are marrying without a clear picture of the realities of the situation, if they are thoughtful human beings. </p>
<p>It may be that we are underestimating the impact of the departing coach. Did the coach recruit her, is that why she went there, to play for that coach, would she have made another choice if that coach had not wanted her on the team? If that is the case,m the school betrayed her, it is not what she thought it would be. End of story. If enough kids bail when the coaches bail, maybe they will change some of these silly rules about playing eligibillity. It is unacceptable that kids should be held to higher degree of commitment than adults. It would be a similar situation to a music student chosing a particular school for the teacher. If the teacher leaves, nothing will ever be the same again, and many students will leave also, which they can do because the NCAA is not involved! </p>
<p>So, where is the former coach? Is that an option after a community college year? If she took a semester off already from soccer, clearly this was a big deal for her. Soccer is difficult and hard on the body. That she came back to it reveals how important it is to her. Would her former high school coach have a suggestion? What is the soccer situation at College B? Does she have former teammates playing there?</p>
<p>I wonder who has a higher divorce rate - people who marry for passion or thoughtful human beings who assess the realities of the situation? I wonder who is happier.</p>
<p>Anyway, it's a good point about the coach leaving and the situation changing. Much like marriage, maybe this girl was working on a set of facts that did not completely or accurately reflect the fluid reality.</p>
<p>She is on meds for her throid. She started on them the first week of school. The counselor knows this. SHe is still seeing him although she says they really dont talk about things. He just took her word that she doesnt want medication. There is still a stigma about that unfortunately. Depressiona and anxiety run in the family, and he knows that also. I cant call and ask him to refer her to the Pshychiatrist (they have one on staff) because of the new privacy law. Besides it is her decision. I dont want to make it seem that she sits in her room and is doing nothing. She is social has great friends. Has dorm assignment for next year with her friend. She makes great grades. She is 95%better than the beginning of the year.
The soccer coach retired and at the new school she would not play. She likes the feeling of being a part of a team and keeping in shape. All that she is doing indicates to me, at least,that she is trying to like it and is just getting scared now that the school year is coming to an end. She will have to be on her own again next year and that frightens her.</p>
<p>It is good that you have some information. There was a post awile back about a girl deciding a school based on sports. Our general consensus was that don't pick a school because of a sport, you must be sure that you will like the school even if you don't play. You have given us a very valuable lesson. </p>
<p>Something that was discussed was that most schools and most cities have recreational sports teams, especially for soccer. All kinds of leagues at all different levels. It may not be as glamorous as a school team, but its a lot less stress, some great friends can be made and its a good social scene. It will keep her in shape and give that team experience. </p>
<p>That being said, my friend (an adult) had a thyroid problem and was on medication, and to throw in menapous at the same time. After a couple of year everything settledown and she was able to stop the depression medicine because the thyroid medication got everything under control. It did take some adjusting of doses though.</p>
<p>Maybe she can look into the rec soccer leagues. It seems like there was a lot going on and hit your D all at once, but she is rebounding nicely. </p>
<p>With this information, looking at another school seems like it might be a good idea, but it must be informed. Going from one place to another is fine, but if one carries the same old stuff with them, things may not change. D really needs to come up with strong reason for the expensive school. </p>
<p>She needs to know in her head that the change is worth it, and that her expectations aren't too high, because if she is expecting miracles, she could be even sadder.</p>
<p>"Reality is fluid. Marriage often is not." </p>
<p>Good point. Situations do evolve. Relationships die, perhaps on the vine and all the luscious fruit dries up and drops off, if there is not growth and maturity by the relationshipees. College students have to evolve to adapt to their new situations, and if they do not, they will not succeed. Most colleges make ongoing efforts to adapt to its changing student body and its culture. </p>
<p>It is hard to know what is change and growth when there are health issues. It must be so frustrating for all of you to know what to do. It would be good to look at the academic reputation of any new school considered in your daughter's chosen major, and use that as a starting point in analyzing other options. </p>
<p>This strikes fear in all of us who are just thinking our graduating seniors are going to be settled for the next four years. You have our empathy and sympathy. Good luck.</p>
<p>Crossing off Army, American and Navy, the rest of the schools are in small and or dismal cities with bad weather. I'd be depressed too. The south can be very nice. What is there to lose really? You can go to a good grad school from nearly any decent college.</p>
<p>OP
I hope I didn't miss this piece of info when reading the thead but I am not clear on how long she has been saying she wants to change schools. Has the desire lessened or intensified? This is such a hard issue for us as parents, we desperately want our children to be happy but many kids do transfer so that option is hardly a negative. If her grades are good and she has made a friend to room with that says something about her overall experience. Given her age is it possible she'll decide to stay after all? I know at Freshman parent orientation they cautioned us about talking with our kids when they are miserable then not having a conversation until they are upset again--- while in between they may have had a few great weeks. </p>
<p>If the counselor is associated with the school he must have a baseline on what is regular homesickness, adolescent angst, or depression. Still, given her age and the possibility that something could have occurred with the opposite sex that is driving this---would a female counselor be a more comfortable arrangemnt for her?</p>
<p>I think most school happiness has much to do with the quality of your social life. I'll weigh in --- if you can, see if she will to hold off making the final decison, but let her know that if need be you'll support her in her new choice since we'd all hate the guilt if you made her attend the state school and she ended up unhappy there too. Sometimes knowing you aren't "stuck" some place allows you the freedom to consider staying.</p>
<p>Don't mean to scare any of parents of H.S. seniors. Most of dd friends are having a great experience as freshman.I think that thier wonderful stories are contributing to her overall negative experince at her school. As I said earlier, she has gotten a whole lot better since the day we dropped her off. She had a lot of changes all at one time and I think that she would have felt this way no matter where she went. That is why transferring seems to my hubby and me seems like the wrong decision. Thanks for all of you that weighed in. I knew you would have great insight.</p>
<p>Loved the jamimom comparison between lilies and daisies. I think my S might be a dandelion. Thrives, but it might not be pretty! :eek:</p>
<p>cap5 Issues:</p>
<ol>
<li><p>You feel the new school is not "worth" it. But are you sure about that? Besides the prestige factor, would your daughter get a "good enough" education there? Wouldn't she find some amazing professors? Wouldn't she broaden her understanding of the world? Could she do a semester abroad? Be very very careful not to telescope your disappointment in her failure to thrive to the next phases of her life.</p></li>
<li><p>Having said that, I think you can test her resolve by asking her to assume part of the cost of the new school via loans. $8K per year? Let her put her money where her mouth is. It will help her to make the best of the next place.</p></li>
<li><p>The D of a very good friend called home incessantly during freshman year. A complete hothouse flower. She went to Spain for a summer and called home several times a week. Then she sorted herself out in sophomore year, went to Prague for a semester in junior year, met the college friedns of her life in Prague. She graduated and got a great job with the justcie department, a job which allowed her to travel all over the country. She's in law school now. Much more the daisy now. </p></li>
</ol>
<p>Is another semester a possible compromise?</p>
<p>Good luck. It's hard when a child hits a proverbial brick wall. </p>
<p>I talked to my S this morning--after putting in twenty messages and emails over the past two weeks. He said, "I've got a problem." </p>
<p>I said, "Hon, you've used up your 'problem' quota for the decade."</p>
<p>He laughed. Luckily, it was some dumb thing.</p>