Dealing with a disappointed child

Parents Forum
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<p>My daughter has her heart set on the school where she was deferred ED. Statistically, that gives her only a 10% chance of getting in. I have been concerned throughout that she aimed too high with many of her top choices being unrealistic. She has been accepted to at least one great school--U Mich in Ann Arbor--but she really wants something smaller. Her other acceptance so far is Dickinson, in which she had no interest, but as a legacy, she used it as her ultimate safety.</p>

<p>I have been a bit crazed by this process, made worse, I suspect, by her unwillingness to talk about anything but her ED choice. It has strained our relationship terribly. I come on this board mainly because I have no outlet for my anxiety. I don't know how we will survive next week.</p>

<p>April 2 my daughter will visit U Mich for the first time. She has been to Ann Arbor because her older half-brother grow up there. I hope she falls in love with Mich.</p>

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<p>
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Her other acceptance so far is Dickinson, in which she had no interest, but as a legacy, she used it as her ultimate safety.

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</p>

<p>How did she figure any school she had no interest in was a good safety? I don't understand that at all.</p>

<p>I can imagine that you are concerned but you know, logical consequences are sometimes the most valuable lessons we learn.</p>

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<p>abric1 - This is a trying, trying time. Sometimes I think more so for the parent than for the kid. The one hope I can offer you is that MOST kids get over the disappointment rather quickly. Lick their wounds, re-group and end up happy at the school where they actually do matriculate.</p>

<p>I hope that is the case for your D. And I think that outlet for parental anxiety is one of the great values of the Parent Forum here on cc.</p>

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<p>This is such a classic tale of "why not to fall in love with one school." I feel for ya. Not much you can do I suppose. What other schools has she applied to?</p>

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<p>My dd seems to be taking the opposite tack. She's accepted at 5/5 schools (with little information so far on financial aid, which will be an important consideration) and waiting to hear about 2 more. Every time I ask her if she has any preferences right now, she says, "not really," and "let's wait until later," meaning that she has to see the full set of decisions, including the $ offers.</p>

<p>In some ways I wish I felt more passion from her, but it is also good -- since we do have to get more information for her to make a choice she will like and we can afford.</p>

<p>I guess she is echoing what I have been saying for quite awhile, but that by itself is amazing!!! I usually feel like she isn't paying much attention to what I say.</p>

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<p>abric1~</p>

<p>Welcome to CC! First of all, {{{{{{{hugs}}}}}} to you. Many of us here have gone though exactly what you and your D are facing right now. This the perhaps <em>the</em> most stressful time in the college app. process. Completing the various apps. is difficult and challenging enough, but at least then you can be proactive and action-oriented--kind of like the pushing stage of labor as opposed to the painful waiting and enduring part of earlier labor <em>lol</em>. Well, now you are just waiting, with nothing to do but worry. And yes, I know how you feel.</p>

<p>Two years ago when my oldest son was involved in this process, we were exactly where you are--with acceptances to Michigan (he LOVED Michigan, but they only gave him small loans) and our flagship U. He also, thank goodness, had one other merit option which he felt was viable and positive. But we were waiting for the "big ones," and I was in a very discouraged state of mind. </p>

<p>Is your D waiting on any other acceptances besides the deferral school? </p>

<p>I <em>KNOW</em> it doesn't seem like this right now, and it will be hard for me to convince you otherwise, but TRUST ME, your D will be O.K. no matter what happens. Even if she gets rejected from the school of her ED referral, she still sting for a bit, but then recover. And she will make the best of the options available to her.</p>

<p>The important thing is for you to be there as a support person for your D. You need to divorce yourself as much as possible from the disappointment and reinforce the positive aspects of your D's choices that she DOES have. I hope, more than anything, that the ED school comes through for her in the end, and it MIGHT. But on the chance that it doesn't, your D has some options in front of her, even if they don't seem like perfect choices right now. </p>

<p>We on this board have heard time and time again about kids who didn't end up where they expected to be, but who ended up extremely happy nonetheless. Right now is an emotional time for both you and your D. Things will turn out O.K....they WILL. </p>

<p>Here's wishing your D all the best as decision time approaches! Hang in there...this part will be over SOON! :)</p>

<p>~berurah</p>

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<p>Thanks for all the encouragement, and, yes, I know she will recover from disappointment and be happy. Of course, it is the last thing she wants to hear. The other thing she doesn't want to hear is that the school of her dreams, Univ of Penn, may not be the best choice for her. </p>

<p>She was rejected (after an EA deferral) from MIT, but that was another school she had only moderate interet in attending. We are still waiting for decisions from Tufts, Emory, Wellesley, Barnard, Northwestern, Cornell, NYU (Stern) and Univ of So Cal. Certainly a good list. I hope she has some choices. I wish she understood how fortunate she is to not be dependent on financial aid to make her choice. Good luck to all.</p>

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<p>Since she will have no desire to hear what most of us really think, I agree with B above and just try to be positve while not begrudging her her feelings of disappointment. She WILL get over it.</p>

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<p>My point exactly on another thread about disappointed kids. It's not that they really should be disappointed, nor that they will stay disappointed. It's just that they ARE disappointed! There isn't much we can say or do to change how they feel right now --- although I suspect the things we say & do will make a difference in the long run, so we just keep trying. It's hard on us loving parents. But we just have to remember that disappointment isn't really a bad thing (plus, your D may not actually end up with a rejection). </p>

<p>And it IS hard on us old folks as we try to deal with our kids during this time! It's nice to have fellow parents who understand what we are going through --- and who have lived to tell about it.</p>

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<p>abric1, A good friends son was just deferred at his #1 choice school - Dickinson! My friend said that there was an extremely large applicant pool this year so your daughter should be congratulated for getting in. It just takes some time to get over the disappontment. Hugs to you and your daughter both - she'll get some good news in just a few days!</p>

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<p>This disappointment isn't different from any of the others they've lived through, it's just bigger. Your D has so many good options left to hear from. She will find a place that works for her. This seems to be the year for deferrals and rejections from first choices. If we can learn from this for younger children, it may be the lesson that we should encourage our children not to fall in love with just one school before they have all their offers in hand.</p>

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<p>momfromme -- your daughter sounds like me. I've been very hesitant as to voicing to others or even to myself which school(s) I really like... For me, it's a matter of caution-- I am wary of falling in love with one school and then later finding out that it isn't a financial possibility, that it doesn't offer some little thing that I want, or that another school would be more advantageous with respect to traveling, college town, et cetera. </p>

<p>After I get ALL of my acceptances and ALL of my fin. aid info, I plan to thoroughly and evenly research each college that ends up being feasible. </p>

<p>This doesn't mean that I'm apathetic, even at the moment-- I do have little infatuations among the list. It's just that I feel it will be a LOT less stressful for myself and my family if I don't start picking out official favorites just yet.</p>

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<p>Though not (yet!) having been disappointed by the college process, I have been severely disappointed in the past by similar situations and I can offer this advice: </p>

<p>It's not great that your D has her heart set on one school. Having had my heart set on something that I was rejected from before, I can say that it really is very upsetting (I curled up in a ball on the breakfast room floor and sobbed for at least an hour). However, most people are really incredibly resilient to adversity--I realized eventually that this rejection was not a judgement on my value as a person. Unless you feel that your D is at a risk for serious depression (in which case you should be extremely vigilant in the upcoming weeks), the best thing that you can do is be supportive and let her be unreasonably upset for awhile if and when the time comes. </p>

<p>If she does indeed end up being rejected by that top choice dream school, after a period of mourning, you can help her move on by focussing on the schools to which she has been admitted--all the great things that they have to offer, how exciting they could be, how she has choices that almost any student in the country would like to have, etc. I'm not suggesting that you lie, but you should definitely be very positive about her choices--if she looks to you for guidance and believes that she has let you down, she will only feel worse. You seem like a reasonable person who isn't pressuring your D, but people often project their own feelings (in this case disappointment) onto others, so it is very important that you make it abundantely clear that you are proud of her for her accomplishments, even if they don't include an acceptance to #1 Dream school. </p>

<p>This is a very tough time of the year (I, for one, am sitting at home wringing my hands and staring out the window for the mail truck every 10 minutes), but it won't last forever. Your D will bounce back from her disappointment.</p>

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<p>Yeah, it's not an easy time. I think as parents we so much want to "make it better"....in this case, there's really nothing you can say that will do that. I've found that, as much as I struggle, that keeping my mouth shut is frequently the best option initially....and being there to offer hugs if necessary. Then, after the dust settles a bit, I'm always a big spreadsheet person, or make lists of pros or cons, or try to do things that take out some of the emotion out of the equation. It took a while for me to accept that all of D's choices are good ones, and even though H and I would pick a different #1 for her than she has, I know that she needs to go where it "feels" right, among all the other reasons to pick a school. Best wishes to you, and all the rest of us going through this between now and May 1.</p>

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<p>abric1, is it Penn's city setting that appealed to her? If it is, she might really enjoy Barnard or one of the Boston-area schools.</p>

<p>On the other hand, if it's the university itself that she likes, maybe she would also like Cornell, which has much in common with Penn, except for its small-town location. (And really, when she's an upperclassman living off campus and walking on the street at night, won't you be happier that she's doing it in Ithaca rather than Philadelphia?)</p>

<p>What I'm trying to say here is that if Penn doesn't work out for her, maybe the next best thing is to try to focus on what it is that she likes most about Penn and choose another school that offers the same sort of thing. Unless, of course, she falls in love with Michigan, which a lot of people do.</p>

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<p>
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We are still waiting for decisions from Tufts, Emory, Wellesley, Barnard, Northwestern, Cornell, NYU (Stern) and Univ of So Cal.

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I don't see a safety. I know that you said she is already in at U Mich & Dickinson - so obviously there will be a place for her next fall -- but this list really looks top-heavy to me, especially if she wants a smaller college. (Some of the best-chance colleges on that list might not be not be the best-fit either)</p>

<p>Anyway, I know you already expressed the same concern in your OP. I'm hoping things do work out for the best for your daughter! My own d. had a top-heavy list and it worked out well anyway .... but the truth is that I spent a lot of time last year trying to help her work up enthusiasm for UC Santa Barbara. </p>

<p>So all I can really advise now is to wait - you might have some pleasant surprises next week -- and other than that, bite your tongue for now. If your d. needs a shoulder to cry on, then you'll be there for her next week, and there are many kids who would be quite envious of that U. Mich slot... so maybe once she knows what her true choices are she will focus her thoughts on the college she actually will attend, rather than the college she wishes she could attend. (And who knows, maybe there will be good news from Penn after all).</p>

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<p>abric1,
My son had a favorite and was disappointed (but not surprised) when he got deferred. He still has many reasons to love that school but he no longer seems focused on it. In fact, he's fairly certain he'll be rejected later this week (very low admit rate). But he doesn't seem crushed by it. I think visiting and interviewing for scholarships at other schools has actually helped open his eyes to many other options. Hopefully visiting UMichigan will do that for your daughter. Some of these schools really roll out the red carpet.</p>

<p>My son has gotten into 6 schools so far and like your d, he awaits some more decisions this week. At this point, he's not set on any one school and his preferences seem to be constantly changing as doors open and close (he got rejected from a combined med school pgm he really wanted). </p>

<p>I see a change in his attitude. He's delving further into the decision making process - thinking of more issues such as ability to "shine" and get references, opportunities offered by each school, diversity of students, curriculum differences - things besides just the overall "name", weather, sports, college town, etc. </p>

<p>I can tell he's constantly revising his list but I can't dare bring up the subject or he feels I'm pushing him. I just have to let him stew over it and be willing to talk about it when "he" brings it up. THen there are the scholarships to consider... I have no idea which school he'll choose but I'm ok with his list and all of his options. But this is a kid who has always had trouble choosing anything so I know he'll have anxiety until he gets PAST the decision making process and begins to think of his choice as HIS SCHOOL. Hopefully he doesn't look back.</p>

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<p>"I don't see a safety. I know that you said she is already in at U Mich & Dickinson - so obviously there will be a place for her next fall -- but this list really looks top-heavy to me, especially if she wants a smaller college. (Some of the best-chance colleges on that list might not be not be the best-fit either]"
Calmom, I don't think the OP was looking for a critique of the colleges her D applied to. The app's are already in and it's too late to change anything.</p>

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<p>This is one of the first, if not THE first, times that we as parents can't make everything "all better" - it is so hard to watch them experience disappointment! But, when you think of it, it really is the first time they're spreading their wings to leave the nest - and most baby birds stumble a few times before they're able to soar. Also, we think (especially when we're young) that we know our true path, but life often shows us a different, better path!</p>

<p>Kudos to all the parents on here who give a damn, and are sweating it out right along with their kids. Unfortunately, we're the minority. A lot of parents have spent the last 18 yrs sending messages of inadequacy, apathy,etc. to their kids There are truly kids "out there" who could've beaten all of ours in scores, GPAs, etc - given the right nurturing home and/or school environment. Best wishes, everyone! This week is going to be interesting!</p>

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This week is going to be interesting!

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</p>

<p>It's even interesting for those kids who got in ED and have known their fate for months, like my daughter. She can't wait to find out where everyone else is going and is hoping that a few of the people she knows will be going to the same campus that she will.</p>