Dealing with a Dream Denied...(long)

Parents Forum
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<p>Hi all,</p>

<p>For the past week or so, my son has been beginning the emotional preparation for hearing from his remaining schools on the 31st or 1st. Some of you who have followed our story from the beginning know what an ordeal this whole process has been for us (as it has been for many here): The Yale EA rejection, the faltering confidence, the regrouping, the completing of remaining applications, and the few but significant acceptances so far. What a roller coaster ride! </p>

<p>Now, though, we are beginning a new phase, and I’m not even completely sure why I am posting this—whether it be for advice, encouragement, or just some assurance that in the end, things WILL turn out fine. In just about a week, all of the cards will be on the table, and the time will come for some choices.</p>

<p>What I am most concerned about, however, is this: How does one go about dealing with the emotional aftermath of dreams denied? For as long as I can remember my son as a student, he has been so singularly focused and committed to his dream of pursuing a top-notch college education. He has never faltered in his efforts toward this end. For the past five years or so, he has had a burning desire to attend Duke University, so much so that we get asked daily if he is going to be attending school there (were it that easy!!!!!!). He was unable to apply ED there due to financial constraints, but he did apply RD. Today, we received an email that the RD decisions would be available online on March 30 at 7:00 p.m. Just like that. All of the years of hoping and dreaming…all of the hours spent in studious preparation, all of the extra effort and college courses, debate tournaments and awards ceremonies, and….well, you know what I mean. They all come down to what appears at the click of a mouse on March 30 at 7:00 p.m. Can it really be over that swiftly and unceremoniously?</p>

<p>And it affects more than just my oldest son. My 11-year-old son is, by virtue of his older brother’s intense interest in Duke, the most hardcore Duke basketball fan around these parts. At the significant risk of vandalism (we live in KU country), we have painted our home’s basketball post Duke blue with huge lettering saying, “Duke # 1”. My younger son reveres his older brother, and has kept everyone at the elementary school informed of all new developments in the college application process. He truly believes in his brother’s ability to do ANYTHING academically. Today, when my younger son became aware that the decisions would be out in just six days (five now, I guess, since it’s past midnight), he was SO nervous! He told me that in six days, he’d probably have to sell all of his Duke paraphernalia on ebay <em>lol</em> </p>

<p>I don’t mean to ramble, but I am just so incredulous that in a matter of days, the results of so much time, effort, energy, commitment, passion, desire, and hope will be out there in black and white---set, as in stone, unchangeable. These decisions will, in many ways, determine the course of my oldest son’s future—not determine its quality, but certainly its direction. One of the forks on the road, so to speak.</p>

<p>Please don’t assume that either of us is unappreciative of what he has already been given (or earned?)—the acceptances at KU and UMich, the acceptance and large scholarship at UMiami. We are both so very grateful for these acceptances and for the choices which they will afford him. In his heart, though, he so wants to be accepted at one of the elite schools for which the decisions are still pending: Duke, Brown, Stanford, UPenn, Cornell, and Johns Hopkins. </p>

<p>My heart tells me that he SO deserves to be accepted at one of these fine schools. But my head tells me that the odds are not good, and our luck has never been such that we have won a lottery, though fortune has certainly smiled on us in all of the important ways <em>smile</em>.</p>

<p>I am so very encouraged that my son has been talking positively about Miami lately and he is concentrating on all of the wonderful things that would be available to him in such a vastly different surrounding. I <em>know</em> that he is the type to make the best of any situation in which he finds himself…but is it too much to hope that he receives a little validation for the truly exceptional job he’s done throughout his high school career?</p>

<p>If the next week brings a dream denied, six rejections out of six remaining schools, I wish for my son the emotional resilience to deal with the blow, and the spirit to look forward with the determination, optimism and hope he’s always displayed, even in the most challenging situations. I thank you all for the support and encouragement you’ve shown us over these many months. And I so hope that good news awaits us all next week!</p>

<p>~berurah</p>

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<p>B--I have a feeling your S will get admitted to a few of his dream schools but....will he get the (necessary?) lottery $$$?? </p>

<p>Whatever the day and The Lottery God brings, I am confident your S will begin a fantastic, life-altering academic career next fall. </p>

<p>That's the essence of The Dream. </p>

<p>The where of it is kinda irrelevant because your S the kind of person who makes the most out of every situation. </p>

<p>True? </p>

<p>I thought so...</p>

<p>(Give yourself an "Atta Girl!" for raising him to be the kind of person he is...Here's one from me: "Atta Girl!")</p>

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<p>Awwwwwww, thanks cheers! I don't know how much credit <em>I</em> can take for how he turned out, but I guess I'll go ahead and claim credit for the good stuff <em>lol</em>.</p>

<p>In answer to the $ question...no, we probably <em>wouldn't</em> have the money, but sometimes, you just wanna do something just to say you did....and with the pink slip, well, who knows what accomodations the schools may eventually make.</p>

<p>But, you are right in that he will make the best of it anywhere, so we really can't lose, I guess.</p>

<p>Thanks for the perspective! ~berurah</p>

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<p>Berurah, you have a wonderful way with words and thoughts and you could probably put all of your kids through school by taking up writing.</p>

<p>For your son, you should keep in mind the study (and make sure he has a copy) that shows that kids who got into elite schools, but didn't go, do as well as those who did.</p>

<p>One concern I have for you is that if your son is fortunate to get into one of his dream schools, and the pink slip makes it possible, you could be in trouble the following year if your husband finds a new job. This happened to close friend of ours. The first year's fin aid was based on the dad being unemployed, but when he found employment the efc was unrealistic and the kid had no choice but to transfer to a local college. So be careful!</p>

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<p>Berurah, perhaps it will all be academic in the end and your son will have many more acceptances, but, if not, it will help him to know it is no reflection of his abilities but rather an issue numbers: applicants vs. available spaces.</p>

<p>I was on the MIT forum a few days ago (in my fantasies it's my "dream school" so I sort of lurk there a lot) and once again I am amazed by the incredible quality and level of achievement of the applicants who are rejected. This might be a separate thread (as well as a sophomoric question), but I have to wonder, given the seemingly huge quantity of highly qualified students who are rejected from top schools, why don't these schools make more spaces available? I do totally get that these colleges cannot simply create 1,000 more seats or so, but heavens, is 250 or so that difficult? Because there sure are a lot of 1600/4.0s and similar getting rejected. </p>

<p>In April 2002, my daughter received email rejections from Harvard, Yale and Duke within the space of 90 minutes. Like most parents, I worried about how she would feel, however, her reaction was stoic resolve - ("there's always grad school" and "you're far more disappointed about this than I am, mom") - and then a rapid focus on evaluating offers and chosing from the schools where she was accepted. I think the EA deferral from Harvard "helped" because it was a chance for her to process and experience a form of rejection prior to the final, plural rejections that would come in April. In the event your son does not get the news he is hoping for, I suspect he will be very resilient. </p>

<p>The "validation" and reward for the hard work in high school does manifest in college - regardless of where top students matriculate, they seem to be able to create their own new opportunities and rack up awards and accomplishments once in college: the same drive to achieve and excel gets packed up in the same suitcases with the other stuff headed to the dorm room. If your son's goal is a top-notch college education, he will be able to extract it and achieve at ANY school, by leveraging the opportunities he finds when he gets on campus. </p>

<p>Just like with your husband's career transition, everything is going to be o.k.</p>

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<p>Berurah,
Last year at this time, my son was also waiting to hear from his dream school Columbia. He had been deferred ED. Like your son, he had also heard from U Mich Honors and had an early write from Swarthmore around mid-march. These two made up for getting deferred from Columbia. On April 1, he got the rejection from Columbia, was quite upset about it for about a week, then moved on. By mid-summer, he was dying to go to Swarthmore. We had visited in the meantime and he loved the school. </p>

<p>I think your son will not get 6 rejections - he will get at least one or two acceptances. But if you are asking how to deal with it, I would suggest being low-key about it. Be there for him, hug him, support him but don't show your disappointment or sorrow or whatever. Then push the schools he has been accepted to. If he has a younger brother who is also aware of the situation, tell the young one to be quiet about it for a few weeks, if possible. The disappointment will work itself out of his system pretty quickly.</p>

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<p>Hey Berurah, remember, we've been in the same boat since the Yale EA episode in December- I've got the other oar and am paddling madly!! I think we would both have encouraged our sons to have done things somewhat differently with their applications and college choices had we been reading CC earlier on. But for now we've got to make the most of what the outcomes are going to bring. One thing you might do to defuse the situation a bit is to keep the focus on the other schools and avoid any more build up to the Duke date. Cornell, Hopkins, Penn and any of the other schools you've mentioned would all be absolutely excellent matches for your son. They're all top notch in the sciences. Duke has a huge presence, what with it's sports teams garnering so much attention, that it's easy to feel more enthusiasm for it. He'd very likely have every bit as enjoyable a life and excellent academics at the other schools--he just may not realize it until he's there. Keep reminding him of the quality of the schools he's already in such as Miami so he will not feel disappointed if he ends up going there.
And hey - we haven't even had one acceptance letter in our household yet!! Things could seriously be worse - paddle paddle.</p>

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<p>berurah - I, too, have a very good feeling that your son will receive good news from several of his remaining schools. Some of the things you've posted about him say "Cornell" to me (we live in a Cornell enclave and know many kids who attend) - though of course it may not mean all that much that a total cyberstranger can see him there, lol!</p>

<p>And as to the fact that "he has been so singularly focused and committed to his dream of pursuing a top-notch college education" - as you've indicated, he's already attained that dream with the options in hand. UM and Miami are excellent schools, and he'll find many similarly focused friends at either. </p>

<p>Our situations are a bit similar - my d also has a cheerleader younger sibling who thinks all things are possible, she's got some great options already, and there could be a rough patch at the computer come March 30th and March 31st. Even though the remaining schools are probably out of our financial league, I'd still love for her to feel she was accepted at such top institutions. Just goes with the Mom territory, I suppose. Heck, I'd love for all our kids to feel that way!</p>

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<p>"What I am most concerned about, however, is this: How does one go about dealing with the emotional aftermath of dreams denied?"</p>

<p>Everything that I have read indicates that the kids get over this kind of disappointment faster than do the parents. Somehow, it seems to hurt parents more when they see their kids hurting than it hurts the kids themselves. The students mourn for a couple of days and then get on with their lives, falling in love with one of the colleges that has accepted them. Life goes on for them.</p>

<p>What helps, I have read, is for parents to not go overboard themselves in obviously feeling bad. Let the student know that it's the college's loss -- saying something like that is fine. Acting like it's the end of the world, railing at the college for not accepting one's outstanding student, etc. is overboard.</p>

<p>I heaer that it's good to give some verbal support -- enough to show that you care, not, though, so much that the student feels badly at disappointing you. More important than the verbal support is being there to listen to one's student's reaction to what happened. Being a shoulder to cry on, a caring, listening ear -- that's what helps students out. </p>

<p>Some students prefer to talk to peers about this or to work off their disappointment through some kind of physical activity such as playing sports with their friends. This should be respected. People mourn in different ways.</p>

<p>Meanwhile, IMO it's important to realize that virtually all applicants to top colleges are outstanding students who "deserve" admittance. Just by applying, your son is in that category. Because of various factors -- the depth of the admissions pool of outstanding students, the variety of factors such as legacy that are totally beyond your S's control, space limitations -- most of the outstanding applicants will get rejections.</p>

<p>This needs to be acknowledged IMO early and often, and there should be a lot of emphasis placed on appreciating the colleges -- the so-called "safeties" where one definitely knows that one's student will be accepted.</p>

<p>I think that it's important, too, to recognize that your son has already received validation of the outstanding job he has done in h.s. He has gotten some nice acceptances including nice merit aid from a colleges. He also has presumably has an excellent reputation in his h.s. and has received various awards, honors, and the personal validation of having done his best and achieved at a high level. I can't emphasize more that you should not see HPYS acceptances as validation of your son's outstanding achievements. I think that it's so important that people need to measure themselves by yardsticks of their own making.</p>

<p>Is your son ethical? Is he kind? Has he worked hard to utilize his God-given talents, including utilizing those talents to help other people? If so, then IMO he has achieved at a high level, and you and he would have a lot to be proud of.</p>

<p>Meanwhile, when it came to grad school, I was rejected by my 3 top choices, accepted at my last place choice. I had a fabulous grad school experience, learned at my grad school some important things that I use daily, and I am so happy that I was not accepted at the other colleges!</p>

<p>My warmest wishes go to you and your son that whatever happens with his college admissions, he ends up with a fulfilling college experience that exposes him to new aspects of life and that helps him further develop his interests and talents.</p>

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<p>Berurah, if your son is now talking so positively about Miami, then go with it! We are in exactly the same situation, waiting to hear from three great schools, with one rejection and a terrific acceptance with an even more terrific scholarship package in hand. My son is almost determined to go to the terrific scholarship school now, even though he hasn't completely turned his back on the other, very highly ranked schools. It's our kids' way of making the world work for themselves! Go with it! I think they know how to be happy. It's a great talent for mental health and I'm delighted that they have it!</p>

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<p>Good luck bururah -</p>

<p>I hope that things work out in a way that you son (and you) are happy. Have you thought about what would happen if the Duke acceptance came through but with no FA? That might be an even harder situation than a rejection.</p>

<p>I do think that kids can handle a rejection better than the parents. Even though my son had already decided where he was going next Fall, he also applied for a very adventurous (but very competitive) scientific expedition that would have required that he defer his college for a year. He wanted it very badly and worked days and weeks on the very arduous application (many letters of recommendation and several essays and a lot of documentation on his past activities). He was supposed to be notified April 1st, but got the rejection letter a week ago. The letter was very short and curt, which kind of surprised me, but he took it better that I would have thought. He had a lot invested in it. And, because so many people were involved in helping him prepare the letters and documentation, he constantly gets the question about whether he's heard yet or not.</p>

<p>So good luck from me (and your other friends here). Great things are ahead no matter what.</p>

<p>Bob</p>

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<p>When I applied to colleges in the late 1970's, I was waitlisted at MIT. I admit that I did not have my heart set on it in the same way your son has his heart set on Duke. Nonetheless, I went first to University of Virginia, and then for financial reasons transferred back to University of Florida, and graduated with an excellent record. I then received a fellowship to MIT, where I received my PhD. Even if your son is not accepted to Duke right now, perhaps his dream is not being rejected but only delayed. He can still attend Duke grad school, med school, law school, etc.</p>

<p>From a slightly different perspective, my oldest son desperately wanted to attend University of Michigan, Ann Arbor, ever since I was a faculty member there when he was between the ages of 4 and 8 (and they had the "Fab 5" in basketball, etc.). However, when he went to apply to colleges last year, he knew that we could not afford the out-of-state tuition at Michigan (we now live in Pennsylvania). Being that he was probably as excited about the Wolverines as your son is about the Blue Devils, he did not want to go to Penn State (an ENEMY, at least when they USED to be good in football). He ended up going to USC (furtunately receiving a Trustee's Scholarship). At first, even during part of the first semester at college, he had a hard time changing his allegiance from the Wolverines to the Trojans. However, that changed during the fall. As a matter of fact, in January he became a Yell Leader at USC, and intends to be there at the Rose Bowl, firing up the USC fans, when USC wins their third consecutive national championship in football (possibly AGAINST Michigan!).</p>

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<p>DadofTrojan -- My W is firmly convinced that the CIA and FBI could take brainwashing lessons from most colleges, particularly those with major sports programs. She bled Wake Forest black and gold her whole life, but for financial reasons reluctantly attended (gasp!) Chapel Hill. All it took was the week-long freshman orientation (i.e. re-education camp) and her first game at Kenan Stadium. Her next visit home involved scraping all of the WF paint/stickers/posters off of her old bedroom walls.</p>

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<p>I do agree that kids get over the disappointment of not getting into their dream college quickly, if parents allow them to do so.</p>

<p>One of my daughters friends had his heart set on Stanford forever. He was rejected on the EA round. He was pretty bummed for a week, then he threw out all of the Stanford paraphenalia that he collected over the years and was ready to move on.</p>

<p>I also remember an article about Ivy admissions a couple years ago about a young Asian man from a prep school who didn't get into an Ivy college--he ended up at CMU and later transferred to JHU. I especially remember a quote from his mother, "We don't know why Henry failed." Yikes!! With a parental mindset like that, I don't see how that young man will ever get over not going to an Ivy school.</p>

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<p>Berurah, these next few days are very hard to get through, the waiting, the anxiety....I am even opening rejection letters in my sleep. Our children are wonderful, strong and resilient. I have seen over and over, my D looking forlorn for a few hours, over a disappointment, but then to my utter amazement she has thrown herself into the next task, or is planning a movie night with friends.....Right now she and her friends are so busy planning a get-together weekend in May, and prom, that college letters are hopefully in the very distant background.</p>

<p>We the parents are the ones who agonize before and after. We want to rationalize, and discuss, and make sure they are not brooding over it. In fact, I often seem to cause more problems by seeking reassurance from my own children about whether they are really "okay".</p>

<p>I just tell my D that students far more qualified than she is, are rejected from the Top Twenty schools routinely, and Thank God for what we have in hand. Anything after this would just be a surprise gift.</p>

<p>You sound like a mother who has raised a strong spirited child, who has what it takes to be happy and successful wherever he goes.</p>

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<p>
[quote]
How does one go about dealing with the emotional aftermath of dreams denied?

[/quote]

If your son got big merit aid at MU he will most likely be accepted to at least one of the other schools on his list. As someone else mentioned, the FA may not be forthcoming. You may be surprised at how easily your son turns down a prestigious acceptance w/ not-enough FA for a big merit scholarship at a less-desired school once he understands the financial ramifications. Sometimes our kids are more practical and more understanding than we think
On another note, I think there definitely is a "Post-college" let-down for parents. Our kids are off being excited about their new schools, while we slowly come to the realization that our little darlings really are leaving home, and that our lives as parents are going to change, and that (in spite of merit scholarships, need-based aid, etc.) college is going to cost a lot and for a long time! It all hits at once, and then there is that almost empty mailbox (a bill from housing, a loan offer from the FA office), and relief gives way to a feeling of let-down and ... tinges of regret and nostalgia.
My experience is that it passes. After the initial missing the college freshman, life seems calm, the sibling(s) left at home get a little more attention, Mom shakes herself off and joins an aerobics class and loses 5 pounds, and Dad and Mom look at each other and say, "In a few more years it will just be the two of us again."</p>

<p>As you can tell, I've read my copy of "Letting Go: A parent's guide to the college years" a few times!</p>

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<p>NSM wrote something (kids get over it faster than we do) that reminds me of another big life event. Many of us here have given birth. I remember thinking when my first one was born how I would have hated to be in my husband's seat. It seemed to me to be much easier to be the person in pain - because I knew that I could handle it and that it would end - than to be the 'cheerleader', wanting to help but not being able to effectively stop the pain. We all know what great outcomes we had back then and this is just another version of that. In many things in life, pain of one kind or another precedes joy and growth. So we need to let our kids experience their own pain and joy and remember that we're the person sitting next to them throughout.</p>

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<p>It's so hard for our high achieving kids to accept "failure." But I agree that it's typically the parents who have the harder time lettting go (and coping with seeing their child in pain) while the son or daughter regroups. With so much going for your son, this is just a tiny bump in the road. Someplace (Duke or not) he'll meet his life partner, hear a life-changing inspirational lecture, or stumble into a friend/roommate who'll give him just what he needs to address the next challenge. I'm usually comforted by the knowledge that we never really have control over life events, we merely influence their occurrence. Your son appears to have done everything he can to exert that influence. Encourage him to be proud of those efforts.</p>

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<p>IF he is not admitted to one of the remaining schools-- and he still may be-- this is my advice:</p>

<p>(1) His dream is <strong>very unlikely</strong> to end short of grad school, and with hard work, one of these ultra elite places will welcome him then.</p>

<p>(2) The elite <em>education</em> he seeks is available at all his "birds in the hand." To a great extent his dream has <em>already</em> come true.</p>

<p>(3) These "dreams" have a big fantasy component, because they are based on a guess, since he hasn't experienced life at these schools. Fantasies are great, but reality is better. Think of how many times a fantasy about a person, a place, a job, etc. has turned out to be wrong. Reality will begin in September, and no matter where he is in the fall, <strong><em>it will be the best time of his life.</em></strong> (Echoing post #17 about birth, even if you have the worst labor, the joy of the BABY redeems everything.) Let him know that school will be a JOY. Experiencing a new place in the country will be a JOY. Meeting hundreds of new incredible friends-- lifetime friends-- will be a JOY. No matter the school!</p>

<p>(4) ^^^ notwithstanding my certainty of the above, if there is some freak mismatch between him & his school of attendance, a transfer is always an option. </p>

<p>(5) You are bracing yourselves for being denied because you are smart enough to know that excellence and merit, these days, do not guarantee admission at these highly selective schools. That is important to remember on the flip side. You kid has EXCELLENCE and he has MERIT and he's EARNED his fighting chance. (His other admissions validate this!!) The outcome does not give him merit or take it away. He already has it. </p>

<p>These qualities will serve him well anywhere he goes. </p>

<p>HANG IN THERE!!!</p>

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<p>Berurah and Northstarmom - I truly think you have posted so eloquently here. Berurah, in your OP, portraying so clearly what so many are thinking and feeling. Northstarmom - in your eloquent and helpful approaches (#9) to dealing with what may come in the next several days. A nod of gratitude from me.</p>