Dealing with a parent...from a son's perspective

Parents Forum
1

<p>Alright..well considering most of the people that post in this forum are parents, I figured this would be the right place for my problem.</p>

<p>How do you deal with a parent (my mom) that is forcing one school down your throat? </p>

<p>For the last 4-5 months, she's been talking about no other school except for Millersville. This place seems like it's Harvard to her. She's dead set on me going there. She's made it clear that she's making me apply there whether I want to or not (fortunately for me, I really don't mind). Ever since we visited it last week, she's been even more obsessed. This is the worst part:</p>

<p>Yesterday I brought up that I was looking at two new schools, Ohio U. and Bowling Green, mainly because of their Sports Management programs. She then proceeded to lay the following lines on me:</p>

<p>"It's more expensive" (well, thanks Mom, I knew that, it is OOS after all)
"What if you go there and decide that's not what you want to do?" (I could do that at Millersvile, Mom)
"There could be a family emergency and you couldn't come home and you'd miss everything" (It's not like I'm going to California, OU is 6 hours away from our house)
"I'm not driving that far for you to look at it if you get in there" (yet you'll drive nearly 4 hours to Towson and 4 hours to Monmouth...and didn't complain once about driving 2 hours to Millersville...amazing)
"You're looking at too many places" (Counting OU and BGSU, It's only 6 schools Mom, that's about the number they recommend)
"I'm not paying for you to go somewhere like that" (Uh, you're not paying for it..that'd be me.)
"But there's so much to do at Millersville" (and there's not stuff to do at other schools?)
"I heard Millersville's education [teacher] programs were good" (That's great, but I don't want to be a teacher)</p>

<p>My responses may come off as rude, but I'm just so frustrated. It's like she's holding me back from what I want to do just so she gets what she wants. It's my future, not hers, and I understand her being worried, but I need to make my own decisions and learn from them. If I pull a "whatever you say, Mom" here, I'll likely not enjoy myself, and ask "man, what if I would have just went to OU like I wanted?". She doesn't understand that. M'Ville was nice, but I just wasn't feeling it. It didn't seem like a place I'd want to live at for 4 years.</p>

<p>So here is where I ask for your help. I'm sure some parents here have felt this way at one point or another...and in those cases, what did your child(ren) do to make you open up? Even if you haven't felt that way, what would you do in my situation?</p>

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<p>You didn't mention your dad. Is he in play on this? My best advice is to find out from her how big a factor the money difference is. Maybe she really can't afford it. Again, I don't know if she's a single parent. If money isn't the main factor I'd suggest you tell her in more detail why her choice isn't what you want in a school. Do you have a close adult advisor at your school who might speak with her?</p>

3

<p>I don't really talk my dad...he's basically a non-factor in this, and yes she is a single parent. Ohio actually isn't THAT much more expensive than PA state schools, and I'm sure I will get grants and student loans because she is a single parent, so money isn't a huge factor.</p>

<p>As for school advisors, our guidance counselors are HORRIBLE. Put it this way, Bloomsburg University, a small state school in my town, is ridiculously easy to get into and is known as a party school moreso than an academic school. They told my one friend, who has a 3.7 GPA, taken all honors courses, taking AP classes this year, NHS also, that he can't get in. I take everything they say with the smallest grain of salt.</p>

4

<p>The only question that really matters is whether your mom would actually withdraw financial and/or emotional support if you chose another school and how that would effect your choice. It sounds like she's just scared of the unknown. This could fade if you apply to some of these schools and get accepted. After reading the acceptance letter(s), seeing promotional information on the schools, and perhaps being able to talk to another family in your area with a child at one of those schools, her opinions may change. Right now concentrate on keeping your own windows open by applying to a variety of schools in a few different areas, including schools where you could get a merit scholarship or excellent financial aid. </p>

<p>My father was adamant about me applying to Notre Dame, which is a school that I had extremely mixed feelings about attending. He yelled at me for not applying to two other Catholic schools that he thought I should apply to, and he continually said that I didn't have enough safeties (which my excellent college advisor very much disagreed with). I did end up applying to ND but not to the other Catholic schools. My father wasn't happy. He very much wished thath I chose to go to Notre Dame after I got in, but he eventually did support my choice of school (which was another alma mater of his, so he couldn't complain too much).</p>

5

<p>Ask you mom why she doesn't want you to have options? Say that you think it is smart to apply to other schools, and when the $ options are presented, then you can make a smart decision, and that to not even put out your resume to other places is not the best idea</p>

<p>ask your mom if she were applying for a job, we she just look at one place? and if they place didn't come through, then you would have no where</p>

<p>as well, when my D only wanted to apply to east coast schools, we are in SF, I asked her to consider that if NYC fell into a big hole, what other place would work for her</p>

<p>Try to get her to see the logic of applying to several places, because the $$ could be very good and you will never know unless you put that out there</p>

6

<p>There could be a number of factors at play here especially since she's a single mom. It'll be even more so if you're the only child.</p>

<ul>
<li><p>She may want you closer to home because "she's" not ready for you to go away. IMO, although it may be hard on her, she needs to not restrict you on this basis or she could alienate you. It's tough as a parent to have your kid 'go away' but it simply has to be done at some point and this is the point in time for many.</p></li>
<li><p>She may be living somewhat vicariously through you (many parents do this at least a little bit) and the fact that she's enthralled with Millersville makes her want you to go there. IMO, if this is the case, she needs to come to terms with what's really going on and let you lead your own life. Guiding you is okay but mandating every aspect of your life isn't.</p></li>
<li><p>Money may be a significant factor. It may be more than you realize. Sit down with pencil and paper (or computer and Excel) and really calculate the costs at Millersville versus the other colleges. Include tuition, books, realistic living expenses, as well as travel expenses. Don't just assume you'll get all kinds of financial aid and remember that a lot of the 'finanial aid' is in the form of loans that need to be paid back - i.e. not 'free money'.</p></li>
</ul>

<p>I agree with you that you shouldn't be 'forced' to go to a college you don't want to attend. If it's the only financially viable one that's one thing but if it's just to keep you closer to home and because she likes it better, it's not fair to 'force' you.</p>

<p>I hope she isn't going to also try to force you into a major of 'her' choice rather than your own. </p>

<p>I recommend applying at your other desired colleges anyway. Maybe when the results of acceptances and possibly awards come in your mom will see things differently. Worst case, you can consider figuring out how to pay for college on your own and go where you want to. I say worst case because it'll likely cause some strife in your relationship with your mom.</p>

<p>She may not be willing to do it but you need to have a serious discussion (not an argument) with her to get to the root of why she's pushing the one school over the others. I'm sure it really is all due to one particular reason (probably related to you going to far away) and she needs to be honest, open up, and tell you what it really is.</p>

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<p>First figure out your EFC. Then see what the schools you're interested give OOS students, most state schools don't give much and you'll end up with a lot of loans. If you have a low EFC and good stats, you will do better financial aid wise at private colleges that meet need.</p>

<p>Lots of mother's have a hard time letting go. My roomate freshman year had a mom that called daily and wanted to visit some weekends! Man that dude was a mess until he put a total stop to it. He neede to involve his grandparents to get her to get a life but they're getting along well now.</p>

<p>Explain to your mom that it's your life, you love her, but she needs to let you live it your way.</p>

8

<p>I have a LD and my parents r like...what about Mitchell..constantly..i think its a good school..and i know students there now but its not the school for me</p>

9

<p>...and know it is hard to let your offspring go--especially if she is a single mom. Think of a few other things. Are you the oldest or an only? She might be relying on you for friendship/sense of purpose. You need to be calm and adult through this all. Look at all your options, and work it out so you can go solo on the expenses. But in the meantime, be the most considerate mature son in the world. Prove to her that she has raised a son that is ready to go out on the world on his own. Don't fight with her, be on top of your game in school, and get an outside job now to prove that you can balance it all. Do your own laundry, and clean up at home after yourself. Be a thoughtful young man, and it will allay some of her fears.</p>

10

<p>My parents didn't want me to go to the school that I chose. They initially refused to pay for it, but I got my grandmother involved and they relented. They made me find my own ride there (an 11 hour drive) and they cut back what they gave me for spending money (from barely anything to nothing). </p>

<p>I ended up paying for half of my private university education. My parents continued to obstruct my success but I went on making it happen for myself--mostly by paying for it myself and getting amazing jobs. </p>

<p>However, I ended up with a professional degree at the end of it all--one that made it relatvely easy to pay back loans and earn high dollars during the summer. Sports management is not a professional degree program. </p>

<p>Sports management is to boys what fashion design is to girls. Fun major but very very difficult to make the jump to a high paying job. If you are going to choose Ohio--or any other program, be very very sure that they will be able to place you into a good paying job. Otherwise, you are setting yourself to be financially gutted at the end of four years.</p>

<p>I would recommend that you get top flight internships EVERY summer. </p>

<p>You cannot fool around. You have to make sure that your passion translates into enough dollars to pay for your ticket.</p>

<p>Your mom will always love you--even if she is upset with your decisions. She will learn to adjust. My parents did and she will too.</p>

11

<p>It's a long time from submitting applications until spring acceptances arrive. Parents, students and relationships can change in those months. Please try to apply to enough schools so that you have choices in April. Wishing you patience.</p>

12

<p>Good post by Cheers. Your mother may be opposing your future profession than the school you are choosing. As a single mother, she may see a teaching profession as a good, solid, safe profession. It is your life, if you feel strongly about what you want to do, pursue it, but take responsibility for it. She probably will not have that much impact on you financially (as you will either get aide or take out a loan), but you will need to make sure you will be able to get a job after college to pay back your loans and your expenses.</p>

13

<p>Pokerprodigy,
Sounds like you could be from my neck of the woods. My kids both applied and were accepted at Millersville. If I were you I would agree to apply without question but hold firm that you are set on applying to other colleges. With merit scholarships, the cost of my son attending Roanoke College is just a couple of thousand more then Millersville and we paid a similar amount for my daughter. Many colleges have free applications when you apply on-line. Frankly, Millersville was a real possibility if they had not gotten such good merit aid at their colleges and they knew that cost was part of the decision. I would suggest that you have a frank discussion with your Mom about how much she can afford. Unless you're a bold person, like Cheers, that number is going to guide your college choice.</p>

<p>Do your homework on websites like <a href="http://www.collegedata.com%5B/url%5D"&gt;www.collegedata.com&lt;/a> and pick colleges that offer high merit or financial aid if you qualify and make sure your scores are above the average of accepted students.</p>

14

<p>You're getting plenty of good advice above on the application strategy.</p>

<p>As far as making life more bearable in the meantime, learn the art of saying
"Yes, and..." rather than "No, but..."</p>

<p>What I mean by that is, acknowledge that Millersville has some fine features and you will apply there; in ADDITION you'll apply elsewhere with a range of pricetags and schooling features, so you'll have plenty of choice next April. (That's the "yes, and.." approach). No need to slice and dice Millersville (that's the "no, but... approach). </p>

<p>RIght now, there's no reason to cut down the school she "loves so much she wants to marry." You're not deciding anything right now about it.</p>

<p>She might relax and stop badgering you so about Millersville once she feels she's been heard.</p>

<p>If you refuse to apply at all, that's another matter; but if you're willing to include it on your list, just say a few nice things about it and then get her to hear a few things you like about other places.</p>

<p>Make lists of attributes. Some moms do well with pencil-and-paper lists. It also tells them you're trying to be rational and mature.</p>

15

<p>I am concerned that you seem to think that you will get grants, etc., based on your mother being a single mom, when there is a dad out there. His financials will also come into play, so you need to look at the money angle again.</p>

16

<p>"I am concerned that you seem to think that you will get grants, etc., based on your mother being a single mom, when there is a dad out there. His financials will also come into play, so you need to look at the money angle again."</p>

<p>Why would he come into play? I've never lived with him, I barely ever talk to him, and haven't seen him since April.</p>