<p>Whenever I have a college interview, my mother wants to go into the coffee shop with me and sit near me. I have done my research. Colleges don't want dependent kids who need mommies to hold their hands through interviews, so I ask my mom to take a nap in the car or go shopping, basically have fun for the next hour or so. I want to show colleges that I am at least independent enough to do the interview alone.</p>
<p>Then my mom accuses me of being ashamed of her, that I find her embarrassing. She says I'm selfish and just using her for transportation. If I am actually independent, she argues, I wouldn't need her for a ride. I would just walk to the faraway city on foot. Or walk home, after she drops me off and drives away. She tells me no college would take a kid as selfish and disrespectful to parents as me.</p>
<p>I have more interviews left. What do I do?</p>
<p>If I am really a spoiled brat, please tell me so.</p>
<p>Almost any interviewer would be pleased to meet your mother at the beginning or the end of the interview, and to answer any questions she might have about the college. But the interviewer wants to meet with you–away from your mom.</p>
<p>I no longer interview for my alma mater, but I used to. And I have seen other alumni interviewers on College Confidential say very much the same thing. </p>
<p>So, what do you do? I suggest you show your mother my response. Or maybe give it a day or two, see whether there are more responses, and then show her this thread.</p>
<p>The first thing my Yale interviewer asked me was whether my parent was sitting in the coffee shop. She made it clear that parents were not welcome - the interviewer is there to get to know YOU, not your parent.</p>
<p>Please tell your mom - respectfully - that you would like to do the interview w/o her hanging around. Explain to her the reason you want her to drive you to interview is so that she can help calm your nerves. thank her for the transportation. What you are going through is not unusual especially in an Asian household. She needs to let go. What you are asking for is not unreasonable at all</p>
<p>Eliminate the independence trap. She’ll never let you win. Keep it simple. The interviewer wants to see you alone. Call it “college policy” if you must. Make it about them, not you.</p>
<p>You’re right that you should be doing interviews alone. It’s true that colleges don’t want to see a parent there with you.</p>
<p>But it seems to me that there is more going on then just college interviews here. There’s some relationship baggage that’s at the root of your problem. Your mom wanting to do college interviews with you is just a symptom. People don’t have reactions like this over nothing.</p>
<p>You could just have her sit near you, but not at the same table, and enter at different times. College doesn’t know your parent is there, problem solved.</p>
<p>Oy, I don’t think that solves anything! I think it just substitutes one problem (mom not respecting appropriate boundaries) for another (tension over the interview arrangements).</p>
<p>To Schminicke: If I can echo what others, especially Sikorsky have said: I’ve interviewed over 200 students for my HYP alma mater. I’m VERY happy to meet parents of applicants before and/or after my interview with the student. I would not want to be within earshot of any parent during the interview.</p>
<p>It’s just WRONG. </p>
<p>Please show her this:</p>
<p>To Mother of Schmincke: If you were close to me and schmincke, I’d move further away. If you had the temerity to move closer, you’d force me to rise from my seat and ask that you move away – as embarrassing as that would be for you and schmincke. You are crossing social lines that you have no business crossing. I’m sorry you already don’t understand this but I DON’T CARE.</p>
<p>And I would do that because at the end of the day, I want to give schmincke a fair shake. Embarrassing you would be the cost of it but I don’t avoid discomfort or conflict. I suspect 90% of other interviewers would just simply note the unsuitable situation and just cross off schmincke without saying a word, smiling throughout the interview. I wouldn’t do that. I’d ask you to move away.</p>
<p>Final word for Schmincke: I would walk to the nearby neighborhood McDonalds for interviews if that is the guilt trip you have to face.</p>
<p>I am a college English professor, a job I have held since 1992. From time to time I receive telephone calls or emails from my students’ parents. When this happens, I cringe. I do this because I know that nothing good will follow. Nothing. My colleagues all feel the same way.</p>
<p>It is not that I don’t appreciate your interest in your child’s success and well-being. I do. I have a daughter in college myself, and I worry about her all the time. I want her to do well, and it is hard for me to stand by and let her do adult things on her own. But I know this is best for her. She may not be 100% independent yet. But she will never become so If I don’t give her the chance to stand on her own two feet.</p>
<p>If schmincke’s growth has not already begun, then it must begin to do so now, during the college application process. Colleges want to know what schmincke is like when she is by herself. They want to know how she will benefit from their programs when she is on her own. They want to know how she will contribute to campus life as she matures into an adult.</p>
<p>The only way colleges can properly get to know and love schmincke is they meet her in a situation where she feels free to speak honestly.</p>
<p>Thanks for all the responses! I am relieved to hear that my reaction to her is normal. I’ll wait a couple days for her to cool off before I tell her about this thread. She is still threatening to not fund my college education, take away art classes, etc. everything that involves me “needing” her. </p>
<p>@stressed</p>
<p>Yes, there is a serious trust issue in my family, stemming from ongoing marriage problems.</p>
<p>Sounds like you need a full ride merit scholarship safety in your pocket in case she actually refuses to either contribute or cooperate with financial aid forms.</p>
<p>I may be guilty of a bit of helicoptering, but doubt that I would go on an interview. It’s still good to hear from the interviewers and college professors.</p>
<p>Your mother sounds a off the deep end. I’m sorry you have to deal with this stress. The suggestion that your mother sneak into the coffee shop is a terrible one. No one should have the stress of having an inappropriate parents hanging around their interview.</p>
<p>Tell her this is not a personal thing. Colleges expect the student to be independent in this process and they want students who handle things on their own. No one expects that they won’t need a ride, however. It is just inappropriate for a parent to be within hearing or sight of a college interview. The interviewer doesn’t want the parent cramping your style or his style to have a conversation free of influence.</p>
<p>Perhaps it will appease your mom if you can tell her the protocol is for the parent to be introduced then to leave. Maybe she will get enough out of it to meet them. But if she knows they will find it strange if she stays in the shop. It isn’t personal between your and her, it is just something that other parents don’t do, so it could hurt you in the process.</p>
<p>The best thing to do would be to see if the interviewer can come within walking distance of you. Tell them you have transportation problems. Or can you find someone else to drive you?</p>
<p>How “near” is near. Honestly, it sounds like you are a very independent kid with a very smothering mother. Kids like you do get into college.</p>
<p>I do alumni interviewing, and have had some experience with this. I definitely do not want Mom participating or even hovering. However, I do recognize that there are times when Mom won’t let go, and that is not the kid’s fault. I would suggest some ground rules that you talk with your mom about.</p>
<ol>
<li><p>You can introduce her to the interviewer. At least my college welcomes questions from parents. If she has some, either before or after the interview is the time for that to happen. Your mom needs to respect that. I doubt any interviewer would refuse to answer whatever questions she has, or even whatever she wants to say about you (which they will probably ignore. I do).</p></li>
<li><p>If she has some errands to run for 30 minutes, that’s the best, but if she really can’t leave, she can be in the same coffee shop, but she needs to be out of earsho, and not trying to listen in.</p></li>
</ol>
<p>Parents are who they are. I think most interviewers recognize this, and they will bend over backwards to not penalize you for having annoying parents. Good luck with the application process.</p>
<p>Near is the table right next to mine, and coffee shops tend to be small. </p>
<p>I will definitely tell her that it’s against college protocol. Again, thanks for all the replies. I will get it all under control before my next interview! :)</p>
<p>@schmincke. Any chance that (echoing yetanotherid) you’re of East Asian decent? I’m guessing–correct me if I’m wrong–that you’re second generation? </p>
<p>I’m Asian, I know and recognize the type of behavior here very well (though fortunately, my parents were and are very nonchalant about things like this). I’m also an HYP alum interviewer, and I haven’t encountered anything like this before from a parent or guardian, but I would definitely explain the situation to an accompanying parent. I simply can’t do my job as an interviewer with a parent listening in and/or interjecting.</p>
<p>An amusing side note: S attended his medical school 1st year orientation and there, front and center, was a class-mate with his mother on the left and and father on the right. He was sunk down as low in his seat as he could go, with a baseball cap pulled as low over his face as possible. If he could have disappeared completely, he would have. I’m sure he was praying continuously that his folks wouldn’t raise their hands to ask questions. (Yes, they were Asian. As is S, for that matter.)</p>
<p>By the way, I interview for my university. Like others have said, I’m happy to greet parents, but I would never permit one to stay for the interview. I wouldn’t hesitate to ask them, politely, to leave.</p>
<p>Do you have a friend, sibling, or other relative who could help with transportation? I understand that this would not be ideal (in terms of solving the root relationship problem) but your mom may be more willing to listen if she sees that you are being proactive.</p>