Dear parents, urgent advice please

Parents Forum
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<p>Hi parents...have been lurking on this board since my senior year of high school. I'm now a freshman with only three weeks left in the semester.</p>

<p>Everything at X University has been great...interesting classes that I've managed to do very well in, an amazing internship, a group of friends that, now especially, is showing its true colors. However, I am in a VERY BAD room situation.</p>

<p>One of my two roommates was caught doing drugs in our room. She blames me for notifying the campus police. I didn't, and I actually was accused of all the same charges as her (fortunately, I think the police believed me because it was fairly obvious I had nothing to do with it at all.) However, since I was by the door (she was doing the drugs in the bathroom), I opened it when someone knocked and let the officer into the room without challenging him.</p>

<p>Since that incident, I have honestly not been able to live in the room. Someone keeps on spitting on my bed. Both roommates make incredibly rude comments about me while I'm in the room. It is an unbearable environment, and especially with finals soon approaching, I don't know how I will survive.</p>

<p>The roommates smoke in the room, and when I asked them to stop, they became very threatening. They are big boys who have no problem starting a fight. I'm built myself (and was a wrestler throughout all of high school), and frankly, if a fight were to break out, I could take either of them easily. But I'm not a jerk, and I would never do that anyway.</p>

<p>Also, one of the roommates was very threatening to my friends last night and tried to start a fight, which just shows how immature and angry they are.</p>

<p>Basically, this situation is impossible to live in, and I can't even sleep in my room without feeling hated. Is it worth it to pursue a meeting with my building director to see if I can get out or should I just try to survive these last weeks as I have this past week or so by avoiding the room and sleeping in common lounges, etc?</p>

<p>Thanks parents.</p>

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<p>I'm confused - are your roommates male or female?</p>

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<p>yes, talk to the building director - I would say tell your parents, but I know how that can be sometimes. But, do they know about the drug incident - that's not the kind of thing parents like to find out about accidentally, from the folks of some high school acquaintance at the same school!</p>

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<p>Oops ohio_mom...roommates are male, but to try to remain a bit more anonymous, I started out saying they were female.</p>

<p>cangel: The building director knows about the drug incident as she has to try and charge all people involved. My parents also know about it.</p>

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<p>Have you told the building director about these incidents? Is there another room you could move to for the last few weeks of term? I'm assuming you are studying for your finals and need peace and quiet to study. You also need to feel safe.</p>

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<p>The last thing you need is a fight. That would really get you into trouble. My friend's son (A) had a roommate (B) that had psychological problems, and B was angry at A for trying to get him help (cutting himself and bleeding everywhere) and B shoved A, causing him to lift him and put him out the door. B then filed criminal charges. $5K later, the record was cleared, but what trauma. I wouldn't get into personalities with the director, but he obviously knows about the drug charges against your roommates, so I would approach with the argument that you need a different room even this late in the year because you already had been unjustly accused of drug use, and do not want that to happen again. This could affect your whole future. Fighting is not the way to handle this. And really, your roommates aren't so much to blame for their attitude, because it sounds as though this has been going on for a while, and you have turned a blind eye. They feel like you turned on them, since you never did anything about this in the past. You should have said no drugs in the room, and if they didn't abide by that, gone to the director about it right then. I do not condone ratting on friends, but if the situation could cause you legal difficulties, they are not your friends if they don't care about that. Many times, the law arrests everyone in the room, and see you as just as guilty because you condoned the situation. Having proof that you tried to not be involved would go a long way in protecting yourself from this situation. Don't get me wrong - they are 100% wrong, and shouldn't be upset with you, but I know they must feel violated. You should have gotten out a long time ago. Colleges don't usually do too much about plain roommate disputes, and try to mediate, but when it comes to drugs and criminal charges, they do more. Have you any friends where you stay if only in a sleeping bag for these last few weeks if you don't want to go the director?</p>

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<p>jam23, I would definitely advise you to stay away from the two roommates. Luckily, the semester is nearly over and you will not have to room with them again next year, that is if they're even allowed to return. Speaking with the building director and letting him know that you are innocent, as well as your current predicament with roomies with whom you aren't quite on civil terms, may prompt him to help you find a place to stay until the end of the semester. If he is unable to help, I would recommend staying with friends in another room, frat house, apartment, etc. With finals approaching, you don't need something that will keep you from giving 100% to your studies. Good luck!</p>

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<p>jam23,
I agree you should talk to the director, and mention that your parents are <em>very</em> upset. It it a shame that you have to deal with this, and I wish you the best.</p>

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<p>Document everything that is happening. Keep a log of incidents. That way, if you have to defend yourself in anyway, you can focus and show your record. I am sure there must be someplace they can put you. You are living with bullies and they are getting away with it. I am sorry you are dealing with this....</p>

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<p>I urge you to discuss this with your dorm manager and ask to be moved. You need to separate youself from these people for your own safety and well being. If you can't move officially, bunk elswhere -- wtih friends, etc.-- to avoid spending time in the room. Whatever you do, don't get into a fight. There is no reason why you should be subjected to living with irresponsible bullies. Good luck.</p>

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<p>Like it was said above, write it all down and keep a record.</p>

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<p>Just a quick note as I have to run out- I know a student that when throught something similar this year. After meeting with the RA and housing, she was able to be transfered to another room with like minded roomates. Being that it is so close to the end of the year, a new roomate situation might not wqork out, but maybe there is an empty room you could finish the year in. I don't know how big your school is, but I would think there would be a room you could move to. Do not stay in a room where you are not wanted. This very well can affect your grades and you do not need to be harrassed.</p>

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<p>As the parent of a rising h.s. senior, I find this problem chilling! I'm wondering if perhaps going beyond the building manager and to a college dean might make sense, and if having your parents, who are presumably paying for you to live in a room with threatening roommates who have been caught using drugs on the premises, might not help.</p>

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<p>Tell your parents. Document. Go to the building manager - if that doesn't work right way, have your parents call him/her. If there is not an immediate resolution, have have your parents call the Dean. And take your important belongings and camp out with a friend until you get some action from the building manager or Dean.</p>

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<p>That's what I was thinking--if the parents are paying for his education, I think they have every right to complain that not only is the future education of their son at this school in danger, but his safety as well. If they are paying, it is their money, and they have a right to get involved, right?</p>

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<p>Parents, thanks so much for your help. My parents are aware of the drug situation, but not of what is going on in the room right now. I have had a bit of a rough semester already, and I don't want them to worry that things are getting worse.</p>

<p>I asked for a meeting with my building director for tomorrow, but I haven't heard a response yet. I think I may try to catch my RA at some point today. </p>

<p>Looking back, I know you all are right, and I should have asked to get out because of the drug use right when I moved in (this January after we returned from Christmas break.) I didn't because I had just moved out of another room, actually for the entirely opposite reason--I was a night worker who also went out every weekend so I was never back until 1 or 2 AM, while my roommate was not very social and liked to stay in the room all the time. I felt stupid saying that I couldn't live in ANOTHER room. </p>

<p>Thanks again for your advice, and I just hope that my case is strong enough to convince the building director that living with these boys is bad for me, or else I'll be crashing on friends' couches or in my common room or in a campus hotel for the next three weeks.</p>

<p>Also, one more question: I am trying not to worry my parents about anything, but should I call them today and let them know what is going on? My plan was to first talk to the building director and then fill them in, but maybe I need them to call the director beforehand? Or even right after the meeting. I just don't want them to think that I am incapable of handling myself away from home...One of the roommates turned two of my best friends against me earlier in the semester by talking trash about me, and I did tell my parents about that. The two friends tried to convince my girlfriend to break up with me, but she refused to listen to them and basically lost them in the process just like me (they were two of her closest friends as well.) I guess I'm just worried that they will think that I've all of the sudden become the guy who can't handle himself socially, which has never been the case.</p>

<p>And one more question I just thought of, knowingly being in the presence of drug use is a violation at school. At my disiplinary meeting, I said that I wasn't sure that anyone was using while I was there, just that I could tell that people had been using that night. I don't think I can get in trouble for saying I knew people had done it in the past if no one was caught, correct? If that can get me into trouble, I can truthfully say that other people have told me that people use consistently in the room when I am not there and that when I saw certain paraphenalia in the room, I began to suspect use, but I would have to lie and say they never used while I was around. Will it hurt me to say that I WAS fully aware of the use, or should I just say I suspected it and it was confirmed by others?</p>

<p>Thanks so much everyone.</p>

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<p>If you were my child, I would absolutely want to know all of this up front (before you speak with a director of housing or dean). I think your parents deserve to know, plus I think they can certainly be a source of support for you. More than anything, no matter how it may affect you, tell the truth about everything. Good luck. I hope things work in your favor!</p>

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<p>Nester (and all parents, really)...what I'm realizing too late is that the drug issue intimidated me into not doing anything. PLEASE tell your kids not to get into a situation like this. Roommates are generally going to be crazy, and I've found that good roommates that you end up living with again are the exception, not the norm. I'll admit that I do drink, but as far as anything past alcohol, I have NEVER allowed myself to be in a situation involving drugs. Even in high school, I had a lot of friends who smoked and used coke, etc., and whenever anything came out, I left the area. I've always been very strong in my objection to drugs, but living with two users is an entirely different situation. You get intimidated into accepting it and doing nothing. You know that if you tell anyone, you'll be getting your roommates in a lot of trouble. When it comes down to it though, you're getting YOURSELF into trouble. If they ever get caught (and trust me, they will, everyone does), you're automatically grouped with them because you never complained about it. If you're not careful, you end up in trouble for something you never did, and even if you prove your innocence, you're in trouble for condoning the behavior.</p>

<p>Please tell your kids about what's happening to me. I am going to tell my building director everything tomorrow, and I know that now I have a possibility of getting in trouble for not saying anything sooner. If only I had known before that I could be responsible because I never did anything, I would have tried to get out ASAP.</p>

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<p>Jam, everyone has given you good advice already. I agree that you should tell your parents immediately what is going on. You need their support! But mainly what I wanted to do is send you my best wishes and a hug. This unfortunate mess will soon be over, just hang in there until it is, even if you have to sleep on the floor somewhere else.</p>

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<p>For God's sake, tell your parents! No one is more for YOU than they are! Get yourself out of there now, and get them in your corner. You'll be fine, but let ALL the people in on things who need to be in on them so they can help!</p>

<p>Don't put it off any longer. It will only make things better for you. They probably know things that can help that never occured to you!</p>

<p>Best to you!</p>