I’ve posted about this a lot lately but nothing has really changed, and I’m still unsure about how to handle the situation
I moved from a tiny hometown to a small liberal arts college about an hour and a half away. And I’ve regretted it.
At orientation I didn’t really click with anyone and felt out of place but I chalked it up to nerves, and not having the change to really get settled.
On Move-In day, I puked in the parking lot because I absolutely did not want my parents to leave me.
Every day since (I’ve been here about two months) I’ve been sick (I didn’t eat at all the first two weeks), and cried often. I have panic attacks, which I’ve never had before. I diligently do my homework but when I’m finished I have breakdowns. I’ve joined a few clubs and made a few friends but nothing seems to make me feel better.
There’s a very big stigma on Greek life and partying here. I sat in an upperclassman question forum, and it was dominated by ‘these are the gas stations and restaurants that will accept fake ID’s’ and ‘these are the RA’s that won’t bust you’ etc. And I don’t party–at all. I don’t have a desire to. I know that there are other people on campus who feel this way too though.
It isn’t dorm life I hate. I made my room cute and functional and it’s big enough to not make me miserable. My building is new. My roommate isn’t my favorite person on the planet but we get along-she just gets under my skin sometimes.
I’ve gone home every weekend since I moved in. I tried to stay, but the thought of it made me physically sick. I went home this Wednesday for a funeral, with the intent of coming back Wednesday night for my 8AM class on Thursday. I had a panic attack for an hour first in my living room, then in my driveway as I tried to leave. I stayed home last night, woke up at 6:00 this morning to drive back. I’m going home tomorrow after my last class.
I came from a really small town, with a very tight close knit group of friends. They all stayed at the university about 20 minutes away from where we live. I’m close with my parents. I also have a long-term boyfriend at home. I miss them a lot but everyone has been super accommodating–they’ll come visit me and talk to me on the phone. They aren’t pressuring me to do anything, they all want what’s best.
I honestly don’t know what the issue is. It’s beautiful here-when I’m just walking around from class to class I like it. But I panic at the thought of being here for four years. I don’t have the close knit friend group I had at home, I’ve known them since preschool. I’ve made friends though.
I’ve applied and been accepted as a transfer at the college near my hometown. I’ve even paid the deposit just to secure my spot for next semester. But I don’t want to regret it. The thought of having to spend another semester this unhappy, lonely, and homesick sends me into breakdowns. I’m not being dramatic when I say that either–I’m talking serious panic attacks. And I’ve never had them before.
I also don’t want to disappoint anyone at home. My parents insist they want what’s best for me. My friends would love for me to come home. But I’ll be eating my words because last year I refused to even apply to the hometown university because I wanted to “Get out of Clermont”. Now I can’t think of anything EXCEPT home.
Basically, I don’t know what to do. I loved this place when it was just “where I’m headed in the fall” but now I’m thinking I made the wrong choice.