Dejection and uncertainty, obsession with validation, want to spend more time with parents

Pre-College Issues High School Life
1

I recently had a huge fight with my parents about me sacrificing their time and energy for my selfish wants. I really want to perform the best in school and I constantly battle with feelings of uncertainty and jealousy (not particularly towards any one person, but a general feeling of jealousy to things I don’t have or don’t achieve etc.) I control my temper quite well when I’m at school and even when I’m feeling down at school, I can calmly tell my good friends about what’s going on. But whenever I come back home, my parents sort of serve as an emotional outlet for me, and I feel like I’m abusing their goodwill by getting angry at them for no reason very often…

I know it’s my fault most of the time but I always blame them in the heat of the moment, and after we finish fighting, the next day I always apologize or get along with them as I usually do. I keep on repeating this endless cycle of fighting, shouting, crying, then pleading for them to accept my apology.

I feel like there is something wrong with me and I feel like there must be a bigger mental issue I have - I don’t know if I should be seeking their validation or not (and I know that certainly what I do is not predicated on how they perceive me)…my parents were quite regular kids in hs and they never enjoyed school much so they don’t expect anything from me (except that I take care of my sleep and eating habits). They obviously care about me and love me very much, but sometimes I feel angry b/c I feel like it’s too much…whether or not I get a 0 on a test or a 100, their reaction is always the same: they’re always proud of me no matter what I do, and for some reason that infuriates me b/c it feels almost as if they don’t care about how much I value their opinion and praise - without doubt, their pride in me is genuine but they honestly couldn’t care less if I went to an ivy league or a community college or no college at all…

Since a young age, I wanted to make my parents exceptionally proud and prove my teachers wrong by excelling at all school subjects since no one had ever expected anything from me. But as I grew older and now in my second last year of hs, I feel like everyone around me holds me to an unattainable high standard, and they get disappointed whenever I don’t meet it. I feel dejected when people around me (subtly) compare their success with my failure, but my parents don’t understand how depressed I feel when people do that - they just tell me I’m perfect as I am and that I can fail however many times b/c they will always love and support me – many people tell me that I have the perfect parents, but I’m in truth very jealous of my friends’ parents who were successful themselves in school and in their jobs, engage in intellectual conversation with their children, and enforce a stricter style of parenting…

The only thing they’re hugely disappointed in me, is for having a low emotional quotient. They dislike it whenever I start breaking down or yelling, and in retrospect I know it’s extremely annoying to have to deal with that, I just wish they would give me some of their time to talk with me or at least let me vent about what happens at school. But the problem is, my parents hate talking about the things I love (e.g. philosophy, politics, history) and they’re more into more lighthearted things like drama, movies, and random jokes. I constantly try to push for a way that we can talk about things we both enjoy but my parents would rather go sleep than talk to me about those topics they feel indifferent and bored about. Another problem is that we have a different first language and whenever I want to share something funny or interesting to them, they wouldn’t get the essence of it in the way that a native English speaker would…which just further increases the distance between us.

I truthfully do not know why I would be angry at having such loving parents (who I don’t deserve) or why I would take out my anger at them. I just wish I knew a better solution for a way to release my anger elsewhere and to find a way to engage with them without annoying them. I also wish there was a way for them to try to at least pretend to care about how I do in school without giving me all the “you’re perfect the way you are” talk all the time. I love my parents too much to the extent that I almost obsess over getting their full attention (i’m the only child), and I really want to grow up as I’m too old to be acting in this rude maniacal childish way.

2

This is a kind of strange post. But I’d sum it up as really self centered and immature. Your parents love you no matter how you do — do you know how much many kids would give for this? Then you say everyone is holding you to a high standard… but who is that, since your parents seem pretty accepting?

If you want to act more mature and grown up, then just start going so. It sounds like it would be a relief to everyone around you.

3

There’s an emotional intensity in teen life that dulls for most of us over time, mostly for the better to be honest. The highs maybe aren’t quite as high but life is more steady and the lows are generally not as low. It sounds like you crave some intellectual conversation that you aren’t getting with your parents. Hopefully you can find this with peers instead, if not now, when you get to college. And maybe you can work on getting more fluent in your parents’ native language if you feel like their English is never going to quite get to the level of depth you’d like to be able to communicate in.

4

Agree with @washugrad – there’s nothing wrong with you, OP, more than being a teen. You have the highs and lows of emotion of a teen. You have the strong frustrations of a teen that in themselves are frustrating – because you’re smart enough to know they shouldn’t be frustrating and yet they are. You are itching to try something new at college and in life and you both feel grateful for your parents and all they’ve given you and also somewhat held back by what you feel is their limited perspective. Their unconditional support is not supportive to you. That doesn’t surprise me because you’re still in a teen brain and body. You will continue to mellow and mature with time. Have patience with yourself.

My advice for you is to try to use your philosophical sensibility and get a meta perspective on this. Go one or two steps higher above your daily fray and see what’s happening from afar. What are the patterns? That might give you some insight into the patterns that begin the fights.

In family systems, if one person changes their behavior, the other members of the system also change. If one person is always in the role of (I’m making this up) “worrier” and someone is in the role of “reassurer” – if the worrier stops voicing worries, then the reassurer will also need to change–because there will be nothing to reassure. One person changes and the family also changes.

If you go home and decide to change, within one or two weeks, you may see a change in your parents. One way to possibly change is to think about how anger works and how it can escalate. I think of anger as a ball bouncing between two people as hard as brick walls. Someone serves the ball, then the other returns it harder. Then Person 1 returns that harder, until the ball is going so fast that it hurts someone. How about tonight if you make yourself a soft surface rather than a hard wall. Let the “ball” hit your soft surface and roll away without returning it? If you need to , you can leave the room for awhile while the “ball” loses its energy. You could even go out of the house for a walk around the block or for a jog for exercise. Jogging releases anger, anxiety, and tension. It’s a natural way to feel calm and happy.

And you may want to take classes in your parents’ first language as @washugrad said. Duolingo may have the language and you can practice on your phone. Maybe ask your mom or dad what their favorite dish is from their country of origin – and then ask them to teach you to make it. Or maybe ask if there’s a dance that they used to do at home before coming to the USA. Or, they like to joke with each other, maybe look up a joke in their home language to tell at dinner tonight.

Best of luck to you. You’re doing fine just by reaching out and looking for solutions.

5

I would talk to your parents and say “Do you think we could see a family therapist? I am realizing that I don’t like the way were are all interacting and I know that much of this is me…but I want to learn a better way.”

6

You know, many parents are also disappointed they can’t hold a conversation on things that are interesting to them with their kids. Or that their kids are not interested in their life and their past (probably most teens). Do you know a lot about your parents’ lives before they had you? Have you asked any questions? I’m an immigrant parent too, so your post struck a nerve.

Eventually both parents and kids start to realize that it’s OK to be different persons with different tastes and interests. People can find many like-minded friends, but there’s only one place where you can find this all-encompassing, unconditional love, and that’s family. You will soon learn to appreciate your parents, and other people too, for what they can give you and you can give them, and understand that one or two persons can’t give you everything you need.

Now there’s a different issue behind all this, it’s your “feelings of uncertainty and jealousy”. It’s perfectly normal to have strong emotions as a teen, but you need to work on not being so hard on yourself. You need to learn to set your own standards based on what you realistically can expect yourself to achieve - and that might be a lot - and also to do this not in order to prove yourself to other people, but to realize your potential and have a satisfying career. When you learn to accept yourself (and this doesn’t mean to stop trying to do your best!) you will also learn to accept your parents. In the meantime, please do try not to take it out on them so much, they don’t deserve it. I’ve met people whose childhoods were destroyed by “stricter style of parenting”, they’re angry and bitter at their parents although the family might have presented the same successful facade to the world that you admire. You can start by coming home one day and telling your parents right away that you love them and you will try hard to behave better towards them, although it may take you some time.

7

The other thing I heard was a heightened sensitivity to other people’s expectations (“I feel like everyone around me holds me to an unattainable high standard, and they get disappointed whenever I don’t meet it.”) That’s on them, not you. Do your best and then turn your efforts towards the things that make you happy. Some of it will continue to be academics and music, but you may start finding that other activities like joining the debate team might provide a source for some of the stimulation you seek. The suggestion of trying to learn your parents’ language might also provide some common ground where you could both communicate better and have a subject to work on together.

And here’s another point that stood out: your parents are going to be proud of you whether they can speak the words or not, and it has little to do with any specific thing you’ve done. It’s typically just their way of showing their love for their children. Most parents are that way, and the fact that unconditional love isn’t something you earn can be hard to separate from their response to the work you do. Try to see their love as a special thing unrelated to your academic achievements and it’ll make this easier to manage. You can’t work hard enough to move that needle if they aren’t thinking of it the same way. Accept their love at face value, try to return it each day without any strings, and let go of the notion of earning anything. Love is better when it floats.

8

This is probably a good time to make an appointment to see a therapist/counselor. I’m not going to presume to diagnose you or your parents, but there’s definitely an underlying resentment that’s manifesting itself. No shame at all. It can make a world of difference in a short time.