Denied, disappointed, but still trying... What are my chances?

Chance Me / Match Me!
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<p>@bomerr @GodMode‌ </p>

<p>Thank you for your helpful feedback! I would be amazing if we could keep this discussion going and you could contribute some more of your time. </p>

<p>Perhaps, I was disillusioned by some positive feedback from other people. </p>

<p>However, please consider my rationale on this writing:</p>

<ul>
<li>I have responded to this prompt of common app: “Some students have a background or story that is so central to their identity that they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.” This event is truly central to my identity and has affected me deeply transforming me from a careless kid with rich parents to an ambitious and driven student that made the absolute most of the last to years at an average boarding school in terms of courses, community service, athletics, and leadership (apologies for sounding pompous). </li>
</ul>

<p>-The nightmare part is a real event that has occurred several times and I believe it helps to begin the essay in media res (in the middle of action) launching the reader into my world instead of starting with some boring statement.</p>

<ul>
<li>3rd paragraph is intentionally negative to highlight my emotions and feelings. I want to convey the deep effect of the event - I was a frightened to death student 6,000 miles away from home who just got kicked out of school. This was an unbelievable challenge for me to overcome. I could have just went back home but I persisted through and ended up transforming and achieving success (relative) at a new school.</li>
</ul>

<p>-4th. Introduction to how I came to my new school and a comment on my motivation (one that just tells without any details, which follow in the next paragraphs).</p>

<p>-5th paragraph. Yes, I made a decision to repeat junior year in order to have more time to redeem myself with EC engagement and a chance to take college-like IB courses. highlights commitment to redemption. </p>

<ul>
<li><p>end of 6th highlights persistence. I did not give up after losing 5 elections and eventually succeeded with an election.</p></li>
<li><p>7th paragraph albeit confusing at first shows all of my involvement with the usage of imaginative details. It is the way with which I prove my motivation and transformation as it shows what I have done at my school besides getting good grades. </p></li>
<li><p>@GodMode‌ I have not simply written what has come to my mind and has spent some time crafting it. I included imagery and picturesque detail to convey my emotions and feelings instead of just telling about them.</p></li>
</ul>

<p>Please tell me your thoughts after reading my point of view. Although I’m being somewhat defensive - this is incredibly helpful!</p>

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<p>@tncollege‌ I agree 100% with @bomerr‌ It doesn’t matter what your intentions and thoughts are behind the essay, so those are no defense of the product. What matters is what comes across to the reader and this essay comes across very negative. </p>

<p>Also, I’ll repeat myself on the above. Only take Math 2, colleges won’t accept both. Choose another test as your second one.</p>

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<p>@tncollege
this is why in America we have lawyers and have The Fifth Amendment. </p>

<p>"Your honor this boy was expelled from his high school. His father doesn’t care about his education and laughed at the situation while his mother is crying herself to sleep. This boy clearly has no proper role models and as a result cares little for anyone but himself. Furthermore his crime were so heinous that not only was he expelled, he was forced to repeat his junior year. Our school is focused on admitting the best of the best and the brightest students out there. Students that are making a difference in their communities, improving the lives of other people, and helping old grandmas cross the street. We don’t have room in our institution for a troublemaker. I motion for deportation on the grounds of blah blah blah "</p>

<p>Do you see my point? </p>

<p>Other people are putting their best foot forward in the essay and you are sitting yourself back hard. </p>

<p>Lastly. by writing the story in such a dramatic fashion it really distracts from any type of emotional growth or realization and makes you come off way too into yourself. In other words as if your experience is the most important thing in the wrong. Writing such as ‘prove to everyone else’ further that point and “my plan” makes you sound conniving. </p>

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<p>@bomerr‌ </p>

<p>Thanks.</p>

<p>I’m not sure what do you mean by referencing the Fifth…</p>

<p>What you have written in speechmarks is a ABSOLUTE and horrendous misrepresentation of reality and if that what my essay has conveyed, It has completely failed. Now I see it.</p>

<p>However:</p>

<p>-My parents care deeply about my education - that’s why I’m here. I see how mentioning of chuckling dad creating an image of someone who doesn’t care although it is completely not true!
-Repeating junior year was a conscious choice to create distance from the event and , as mentioned above, gave me chance to become a leader in my school and take most rigorous IB classes!
-I have had a perfect disciplinary record and this was a dumb mistake, so I’m not troublemaker. In fact, I had a significant impact on my community with leadership and lots of community service projects and “helped that grandma cross the street”!<br>
-Not many applicants have been slapped in the face by life like I have and the fact that I overcame this challenge shows character strength - isn’t that a certain aspect admissions are looking for - character strength and ability to overcome failure?</p>

<p>Definitely agree with the conniving part. But if not sensitive detail and my conclusions, what does show emotional growth?</p>

<p>I know that this is definitely what I am writing about. Do you have any specific points to make it sound more positive?</p>

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<p>i mean that in the United States we have The Fifth Amendment because people can ACCIDENTALLY incriminate themselves without even realizing it; hence the term accidentally. That is basically what you did in your essay. </p>

<p>If you want, I can message you a good essay from someone who wrote about overcoming alcoholism. </p>

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<p>@guineagirl96‌ Yes, I understood about the SAT 2 since your first post- thank you. </p>

<p>Granted that I am definitely writing on this topic, do you perhaps have any advice on how to make it more positive?</p>

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<p>@bomerr‌ Could you please? That would be great!</p>

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<p>I understand that your mind is made up and that you are committed to writing about this topic. Just realize that by emphasizing the biggest negative in your academic career you are putting yourself at a SIGNIFICANT disadvantage as to everyone else that you are competing against for a slot.</p>

<p>Ask yourself these questions: If I were interviewing for a job as a schoolteacher, is this what I would choose to emphasize about myself? If I were meeting my significant other’s parents for the first time, is this what I would tell them about myself? If I were running an election campaign is this how I would brand myself? You have a lot at stake here, especially since the first round hasn’t worked out.</p>

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<p>@tncollege‌ I also understand that you want to write about this - i don’t agree with the topic, but that’s your decision.
Last year, I did write about a negative event to the prompt “name a time you experienced failure” about getting a C+ in physics junior year. It was quite effective, i believe, since I was accepted to my top two choices with full tuition (for music). I could send it to you if you would like.</p>

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<p>In the fifth paragraph, you say “Repeating junior year for the third time…” That suggests you were a junior for four years. Did you just repeat the junior year once?
I don’t think your essay is as bad as the others think it is, but I think spending an extra year in high school does not make you look more desirable to admissions committees. Anyone could spend an extra year in high school racking up more advanced courses and doing more extracurricular activities. It seems like it would be common to discount those accomplishments from that extra year.</p>

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<p>@tncollege Your essay would better fit the “failure” prompt better I’d say, so even in that aspect it’s unclear. Also, detail is important, but it doesn’t make a bad essay good. It’s saddening to see that many people on this forum think their essays are effective because they’ve simply plonked a few descriptors throughout them. The whole line about “stuff” in your essay…what does that even mean/add? You have to realize that adcoms read many essays everyday - they don’t have time to sit and ponder the meaning of what you’re trying to say. </p>

<p>Be clear, be concise, and if you want to have the best shot at a college of your choice, then don’t write about expulsion. </p>

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<p>Personally, I liked the essay and disagree with many of the previous posters. However, I would take out that sentence about “stuff” and submit it under the “failure” prompt! </p>

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<p>Your essay is evocative but unclear, written in a strange manner, and reads as “weird kid/got expelled”. The “not again” at the very beginning makes it sound like you were expelled for doing something for the umpteenth time (because in a dream, there’s no “again”, a defining characteristic of dreams is that in them you don’t have any past). Your going from one school to the other makes no sense and parents’ crying or thinking you idiotic don’t reflect well on you. The beginning would have promise if it segued into a frank declarative sentence (“It was just a nightmare: in my daily life I’d left this event behind but it came back in dreams”) instead of into a paragraph trying to be vaguely literary. It’d need a LOT of work to pass muster. So either scrap it, or get to work. 2nd paragraph should talk about who you are, now, what you do - 3rd paragraph can be a flashback to “recovery time” (skip the parents). You can spin the junior year repeat by saying you so desperately wanted to start anew that you did - you deliberately held yourself back and started junior year again to prove who you really are and dissociate yourself from the punk who acted up because he was 6,000 miles from home.</p>

<p>I don’t think you understand the impact that this combination, “student/gun/school” will have on American school administrators. Sure it was a BBGun, sure you changed, you’re no longer a smartass punk who thought a BBGun was whatever it was you thought it’d do for you back then, and wouldn’t be so reckless and stupid… but it doesn’t matter if they have to make choices and select among students. They may see you as a liability, who’ll be reckless on campus, perhaps even who is dangerous. You HAVE to disclose it on your application but it may be wise to focus your essay differently. I understand this was a turning point for you but to pull it off you’ll need to rewrite that essay.</p>

<p>That’s assuming you’re one of the lucky internationals whose parents have money and therefore can afford to be full pay. If not, that’s another issue.</p>

<p>You can keep your list, but add a few schools where you won’t have to really write an essay and you’ll be judged strictly on SATX GPA (plus, only marginally, on EC’s, etc.) - what about adding UMaryland, Penn State, and Miami-Ohio? </p>

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<p>FWIW I think you should seriously rethink your strategy on two levels. First, “the label.” Think for a moment how admissions committees work. Someone will be assigned your file, and will have to make a case to the committee for your admission. Maybe one other person will read your essay, too. There will be, what, 5,000? 10,000? other RD applicants competing against you at the schools you are applying to? Hundreds, if not thousands, of these competitors will have stats and ECs similar to you.</p>

<p>You are pretty much guaranteed to be the only person writing about bringing a gun to school. This will make you unique. The committee will know you as the “kid from Kazakhstan who brought the gun to school.” Is this really the way you want to be labeled? Wouldn’t it be better–and more interesting to the reader–for you to write about some aspect of growing up in Kazakhstan? What do you want to end up doing with your experience at an American University?</p>

<p>The second issue that you should consider is risk. There are at least three different levels where someone has to assume a certain degree of responsibility for being willing to admit you: the person reading your file and making your case; the committee that makes the recommendation; and the Dean of Admissions signing off on this. Given campus violence in America–from UT Austin in the 60s to Virginia Tech and beyond–it just seems to me that it is more likely than not that someone on one of the rungs of the admissions ladder may simply say, “No, I don’t want to take this risk with this individual. Not when I have 5,000 other applicants who don’t have this issue.” </p>

<p>You indicated in your posting that you are ambitious, which is a good thing! My simple advice for the next round of your applications, to increase the chance of actually achieving your ambitions, would be to: 1) scrap your previous topic completely and rebrand yourself in a more positive light; and 2) broaden the range of your schools to include some excellent universities that are not quite so hyper competitive. </p>

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<p>@CheddarcheeseMN‌ , @GodMode‌, @xoxo14, @MYOS1634‌ , @MidwestDad3‌.</p>

<p>Thank you very much for the advice! I know clearly see how my essay was ineffective and I will begin re-writing it now. All of the feedback here has been helpful and I will post a re-written version soon ( if anyone is interested to help out more). </p>

<p>@xoxo14‌ The “stuff” part was my unsuccessful line to be humorous (EPIC FAIL) - getting rid of it!</p>

<p>@MYOS1634‌ Your explanation makes perfect sense and will be working on re-focusing. Your specific advice on repeating junior year and removing the parents part is so correct. I have focused on the wrong things throughout the writing… Declarative sentence, as you mentioned, is what I must add to attempt to convince that I was just a simple mistake of the past…</p>

<p>@MidwestDad3‌ I was hoping to be unique but my current essay has completely destroyed this approach.
I did not write about Kazakhstan or any topic along the lines as it would be mundane. I think I’ll now discuss my past in relation to boarding school/ american University.
What do you think If I directly “talk” with the officer in the essay acknowledging the risk. Let’s say beginning (just an idea) with “Why should you take responsibility over admitting a " past troublemaker/liability” instead of a normal student and following with a (hopefully) convincing, not vague but detailed explanation.</p>

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<p>@tncollege , I’m afraid my opinion about it not being a good idea to write about bringing a gun to school will not change. And IMO using words like “troublemaker” only invite negative reactions.</p>

<p>At one summer visit program D and I attended, a dean cautioned students not to write about the three Ds: Death, Depression and Drugs. (The fourth D should be “don’t write about dreams”). I think the implication was that the readers want to feel really confident about the person that they are proposing being admitted. </p>

<p>The appropriate place to deal with the gun issue is in the counselor’s letter. You have a great relationship with your counselor. If they have covered the topic adequately, you can concentrate on portraying yourself in an entirely positive light. The first thing you said about yourself in your post is that you are ambitious. Why not write about a person close to you who inspired your ambition?</p>

<p>Finally, regarding “mundane” childhood Kazakhstan. At the most highly selective LAC that D and I visited, an admissions officer said that the best essay he ever read was about a student as a child walking along the beach with her grandfather. (He said that the worst was about a student’s first sexual experience.) So the essay really does have an impact, and I think yours should be about looking forward, and not about reliving a serious mistake.</p>

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<p>@midwestdad3 As much as I agree with you, you have to remember that he can’t change the essay anymore - he’s already applied to a few colleges. I know Common App allows you to alter spelling and grammar, but I don’t think you’re meant to/allowed to re-write a whole new essay.</p>

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<p>@GodMode‌ actually, you are allowed to rewrite a whole new essay. You are allowed to submit up to three different versions of the essays, including changing the prompt. OP appears to only have submitted one version of the essay so far.</p>

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<p>@guineagirl96 I beg to differ.</p>

<p>Updating the Essay
You can only submit three differentalterations of your essay. Before and between submissions, you can make as many changes as you like. We allow these changes to your essay to correct grammar or spelling mistakes, not to submit different essays.</p>

<p>Taken from the Common App sidebar. </p>

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<p>@GodMode there’s nothing preventing it and when there is a bad essay it is completely appropriate to change it. They are emphasizing the fact that the essay is supposed to be common, which means you shouldn’t submit a different essay for every school- and they prevent that with the limit of 3 different versions. But changing a bad essay to a good one and submitting that to the remaining schools is different, because it is still a common essay, and does not cause any problems- in fact, it fixes many.</p>