depressed and just don't know what to do

Parents Forum
1

<p>I've dealt with pretty extreme depression since I was 14 or 15. It's all-pervasive and it never seems to let up - I honestly feel like I have not been happy for the last 5 or 6 years. Okay, it's not like I sit around crying all the time or that I can't make myself get out of bed in the morning, but when I'm around people or when I'm alone for protracted periods of time I just feel profoundly unhappy, and it's been like that for a long time. </p>

<p>I have told my parents about this... at first, when I was younger, they chalked it up to being a moody teenager, but a couple of years later they had me go to a psychiatrist, which was such a difficult experience for me that I never considered going to another one. They don't know the whole story, either, which is that I used to pretty seriously contemplate suicide. </p>

<p>The subplot here is that I have absolutely no self-esteem, and I never have... I am a black male and I grew up in a white family (adopted) in an isolated part of the country where I was always one of two or three blacks in my high school. And I think this has had profound effects on the way I view myself... I rarely look in the mirror because I feel like the ugliest person on the planet. If I see my reflection it can ruin my whole day. </p>

<p>But this semester, it just seems to have gotten so much worse... I got an apartment off-campus by myself. I DO have an on-campus job which requires a certain amount of interaction and I'm even volunteering at a couple of places, but I don't really ever do anything for fun and I only have a couple of friends and a few acquaintances, holdovers from last year who I rarely see or hear from because they're busy all the time. </p>

<p>My grades haven't been so great this semester, either... for the first time since I've been in college, it's just hard for me to sit down and study, which isn't good because of my workload this semester. My mind wanders. I'm tired all the time because I can't sleep, so I can't focus. I'm in an honors program and currently have a 3.8 GPA, but if I keep up these grades I won't be maintaining that for much longer. </p>

<p>I also don't feel like I have any justification to feel this way. my parents are quite supportive and make a good amount of money. I myself was valedictorian of my HS and I've been pretty involved on campus... </p>

<p>Anyway, this post has been so inarticulate that it's bothering me, so I'm going to conclude here ... all I want to say is that I just feel so empty ... I don't even know what I wanted by posting this... I'm just so tired of feeling like this and being miserable every single day of my life... help? :(</p>

2

<p>its okay to feel badly. all of us do some of the time, and some of us do most of the time. You do NOT need a justification for how you feel. How you feel is simply a fact. There may a reason in your circumstances - but depression can strike without regard to circumstance, or with only a seemingly minor trigger. </p>

<p>I do not feel able to counsel you myself, but I do think you should try to reach out for help to a mental health professional. I am sorry you had a bad experience with one before - sometimes it takes several tries to find the right mental health pro. That sucks, but its true. </p>

<p>Good luck.</p>

3

<p>Would like to second what BBD said. You have to have a connection/relationship with the counselor. A professional one. And sometimes personalities do not match. Please consider trying again. Medication does help, and is not a crutch, so consider that as well. There is usually assistance offered on campus, those counselors would be more intune to your age groups and your environment.</p>

4

<p>Your school probably has a counseling center, and you might find this visit to be more relevant and actionable than the pyschologist you met with when you were younger. You are probably a lot more articulate at this point and also, now you are in charge of your own mental health. Finding the right person to work with is a big deal-your school counseling center might just be the first step toward finding the right psychologist. It’s good that you posted here, and it sounds like you know you need to do something. Hang in there, depression is tough to deal with, but it is treatable.</p>

5

<p>Living alone can really exacerbate depression, I think. Is there any way you can room with someone, or return to live on campus?</p>

<p>I strongly advise meds, in your situation. One of my kids resisted meds for a long time, and things turned around remarkably when she finally decided to try. Would you consent to someone at the college finding you the right psychiatrist or psychopharmacologist? I would not let one bad one deter me. See yourself as a consumer and try a few out (hard when you are depressed, admittedly). And insist on starting out at a low dose and moving up as your comfort level allows.</p>

<p>Exercise helps some, they say: raises those endorphins.</p>

<p>I would take this very seriously and get help as soon as you can. Do your parents know how unhappy you are? Are you comfortable talking with them? If so, they could help you find an MD/therapist or whatever, but if you prefer, there are always people at college health services to assist.</p>

<p>I have read that 50% of college students seek this kind of help. This is a tough time of life, you are isolated plus dealing with academic stress, and you deserve to feel better!</p>

6

<p>I don’t know why the experience with the psychiatrist was so traumatic (and I’d like to, if you would PM me), but there are all kinds of mental health providers. I don’t know why medication is being mentioned at this point, but even if it was a “crutch”, who would turn down crutches if they could help them walk and be mobile again? Medications rarely effect identity issues, and you suggest that plays a role. Another vote for trying therapy. Folks like you ( verbal, insightful, bright, motivated, and… financial resources!) usually make great candidates.</p>

<p>On a scale of one to ten, posting here might be a little scary, and so far so good (I think). Work your way up the scale to doing this in real life; don’t get stuck here on a message board.</p>

7

<p>I also think it’s time to share ‘the whole story’ with your parents, if you can talk to them. They will surely make it their priority to see that you get what you need to turn this situation around, but they can’t help you if they don’t know what’s going on.</p>

8

<p>Hugs to you and please, please reach out to someone in “real life”. If you are not able to do your work and are feeling really sad, you need to reach out to someone. If you aren’t comfortable with going to the counseling center, you can go to your doctor at home or a doctor at the heatlh clinic. Or talk to your parents, they may not know how to reach out to you.</p>

<p>You sound like a great kid, doing well in school and having a job. Sometimes the expectation of college is meeting your best friends forever and fun all the time. It is not always that way; perfectly normal folks can have a hard time finding their niche or a tight group of friends. </p>

<p>It is easy to think these feelings might go away on their own, but if this has continued for so long and is starting to impact your ability to do work, you need some assistance. You are worthwhile person and your parents obviously love you.</p>

9

<p>Excellent advice above. I might add something else, if you have health insurance consider getting a complete physical. Tell the physician you are depressed. I had rounds of minor depression starting in high school and through college and was checked for mono and a bunch of other things…it took an astute doctor and a repeated physical for them to diagnose severe hypothyroid which is unusual in a young person. Depression was a symptom of hypothyroid that was not thought about by earlier docs. Even now thirty years later if my thyroid meds need an adjustment I know immediately because I get this creeping sensation of depression setting in. Get a physical, check the box and make sure it’s not physical - anemia is also something that should show in a physical. </p>

<p>After you’re absolutely sure nothing physical is exacerbating your feelings…head for the counseling center and find someone that you can and like talking to who can help you work through your feelings.</p>

10

<p>You should probably see a psychiatrist.</p>

<p>Perhaps your poor mood is somehow chemically related.</p>

<p>In general, I don’t believe in taking drugs, but a doctor might be able to give you something.</p>

<p>Not a “happy pill”, but simply some sort of pill that might help you.</p>

<p>As someone who is 55 years old, I can tell you that life is a marathon, not a sprint, and you have a long time to go.</p>

<p>Also, life is like the stock market----sometimes there are long periods of downs, and sometimes long periods of ups.</p>

<p>For example, in my life, there have been times where I have been dating incredibly beautiful girls, and other times, I have been completely alone, getting rejected by unattractive girls. In some jobs I have had, I have been a star, and at others, a total loser.</p>

<p>I know this might sound silly, but try working out and get those endomorphyns flowing.</p>

<p>Also, you will no doubt meet a girl who finds you attractive, and then, that problem should be solved. I really can’t comment on the fact that you evidently consider yourself unattractive because you are black, because I can’t identify with that, but in my life, I have found that it is amazing how fast sleeping with a beautiful girl has made me feel more attractive (“bulletproof”, in fact), than I probably am. And the fact that plenty of white girls sleep with black guys should belie your apparent belief that being black somehow makes you somehow unattractive. </p>

<p>But the above is simplistic advice, and I really think you need to see a professional. That’s what they are there for.</p>

<p>In closing, let me say that probably the majority of the people writing back to you have been white, not black, and everyone who has answered are concerned about your welfare, and wish you the best. </p>

<p>And don’t even think about suicide. It is stupid. Stick around and find out how the story turns out. </p>

<p>Let me tell you a story. I had a client who was a doctor, and a truly beautiful woman. I asked her out on a date, because it seemed like she liked me. She said no. I was surprised. A few weeks later, her father, also a client, called me to tell me that she had committed suicide. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. He also told me that she had told him that I had asked her out, but that she had told her father that she was not “good enough for me”, when in fact, the opposite was true. So your self perception of your supposed unattractiveness may well just be in your head.</p>

<p>I suspect that with a mild dose of the proper medication, you will do great.</p>

11

<p>Hello Dogandpony,
As everyone said, I think you should look for a specialized doctor,
I also think you need to tell your parents all that is happening with you, and all you are feeling,
I also think you should improve you self - esteem, and you shouldn’t think that the color of the person makes someone better or worst,
You would do a routine to make your time be better for you. It is good to find a balance between your personal life to your professional life. It is very important to have time to sleep, study, do something you like, take care of your health and other things. I think that if you find time to everything of this, you’ll be able to feel happier and continue with your honors program.
So, trying all the things people said, you’ll feel better and let this depression go out,
Best wishes and good luck,
Giulia.</p>

12

<p>It’s very common for a young person not to click with the first counselor- or the first few. Not all are adept in the issues that face teens and young adults. It is so important to find one who is- and often the very best place is at your college. The health center should have recommendations of counselors they feel are highly qualified to work with young people. Long story, but this is how my daughter found the right counselor. She was with someone everyone else liked and respected- but not a person experienced in the issues and perspective of youth. As you put it, her visits with the former were a “difficult experience.”</p>

<p>If you feel part of the issue is adoption, many counselors are trained in the host of adoption-related issues. </p>

<p>If the first doesn’t work, you try another. It’s arduous, yes. But, when you finally clck with the right one, good chance you will know you are on a better path. It takes time to heal, but you’ll find yourself able to breathe. </p>

<p>Remember: it has to be the right doc or counselor for you.</p>

<p>It is a good idea to ask for a complete physical, as Mom3 suggested. All sorts of medical conditions can trigger or mimic depression. It’s more common that many realize. Good luck.</p>

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<p>Physician here. Go to your student health center with your problem. You need to see someone and be treated based on what you state here. The first psychiatrist you saw before may not have worked well for you so if you see someone in your home town go to a different doctor- psychologist or psychiatrist. Depression is just as much an illness as other, physical, problems. It won’t go way by ignoring it. The sooner you get help the sooner you can get back to normal. The nature of depression is that you can’t figure out a reason to feel as you do nor can you figure out how to fel better without help. Make the appointment asap- Monday.</p>

14

<p>Thank you all so much for your advice. I realize posts like this are depressing, but I just needed to vent and I figured I’d get a barrage of “suck-it-up-and-quit-whining-and-be-a-man-and-go-to-the-gym-and-get-laid” replies if I posted in College Life.</p>

<p>My university does have a counseling center, which as far as I know has a good reputation. It’s going to take a lot for me to go … I’m shy to a fault and I have trouble talking to everyone, so the prospect of completely opening myself up to (another) stranger is very intimidating. For those who were wondering about what happened with the shrink I went to a few years ago - it was nothing traumatic or life-altering, I just didn’t click with the guy, and he seemed … dunno how to describe it … judgmental, almost accusatory… it was terrible…</p>

<p>Also, my parents are opposed to the idea of psychiatry anyway, despite the fact that they had me go to one. I remember how they would laugh and laugh about my brother’s “crazy” ex-girlfriend because she had regular appointments with a therapist. But I guess they don’t have to know about me going to the one at my university, which as far as I know is free/inexpensive.</p>

<p>again, thanks, it means a lot.</p>

15

<p>dogandpony, please give therapy another shot. In therapy, the relationship is important, and you need someone you’re comfortable with, and the previous psychiatrist clearly wasn’t the one for you. When you find someone more compatible, you’ll be surprised how much they can help.</p>

<p>Depression is very treatable. I’ve been there myself, so I know. I’m asking you to go the counselling center and tell them everything you’ve told us. They’re not going to laugh or judge or accuse. Go.</p>

16

<p>From what you’ve written, I can tell that you have a lot going for you. Please get some help. Do it for yourself and don’t worry about what anyone else would think.</p>

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<p>When you are feeling down just try to do something that makes you happy. This may seem obvious but often people overlook the simple pleasures like eating something sweet, watching a good movie, or reading a book. People around may affect you, but you choose your emotions!</p>

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<p>^^ I appreciate that you have the best of intentions, and if someone has a temporary case of the blues, it’s good advice. However, true clinical depression is a different matter. People who are clinically depressed haven’t chosen it, and can’t un-choose it. This is a medical disorder, caused by a complicated interaction of actions, thought processes, circumstances, and brain chemistry. Just as someone with diabetes can’t just snap out of it, neither can someone with depression.</p>

<p>When I suffered with depression, the people who loved me tried their very best to cheer me up; they dragged me out to fun events, they tried to reason me out of it; they tried to get me to adjust my attitude. They would have served me far better if they had urged me to see a mental health professional. The good news is that depression is effectively treated with some combination of professional therapy and, often, medication. Fortunately, I eventually found my way to a good therapist and I’ve never been back to that dark place.</p>

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<p>And, LasMa, pretty much the same for my daughter. Her former counselor, like OP’s was judgmental and accusatory- I loved this person, but I am an adult. Gawd, she was a kid who didn’t know how to open up to that person. For her, a psychiatrist who specializes in college-age, who knows teens and young adults from developmental, medical and social perspectives, was like dawn after a long stormy period. It doesn’t have to be a psychiatrist- the right, talented counselor can work wonders, just by being on “your team.”</p>

<p>It takes time to heal- you have to figure out what’s what and its impact on you, when you are worst hit, what helps. Only as you gather some of this understanding, try it out, test it and gain some new strength, can you take the baby steps forward. It is so worth it. </p>

<p>As OP said, “man up” is not always what works for someone else.<br>
OP, best of luck.</p>

20

<p>doganpony – I feel so bad for you. I’ve gone through times like that in my life where I felt like I was living under my own personal cloud, and it followed me everywhere. It made everything look gray.</p>

<p>Many good ideas here, but I’d like to add that you might benefit from talk therapy plus medication. I met with a social worker for months, talking about what made me feel so down and what I could do to either change the way I responded or improve my situation, and then I also got medication prescribed for me (Celexa). </p>

<p>Our culture doesn’t like depression. Americans are supposed to be up! and on! And happy!</p>

<p>And so many people tell you college is the best time of your life. So if it isn’t, you feel like it’s your fault. </p>

<p>Your feelings are your feelings, and they need to be felt. </p>

<p>Hang in there.</p>