<p>I am trying to figure out our next step. My son attends a small liberal arts college. He is a bright boy with add of the distractible type, other learning disabilities and has been plagued with depression throughout high school. He has worked with a therapist over the years and takes anti-depressants, but has never been able to report much of a change in his mental state. He has an academic scholarship and financial aid that amount to about 50% of his tuition. Things seemed to be going well, and then at about mid-semester he was stricken with mono. He got behind in every class and started isolating - withdrawing from us, from his academic advisor, his professors. I believe that he has failed all of his classes. He is struggling with deep depression, and anger towards his family. He is suffering from extreme self-hatred, and seems to hold me responsible for his situation in many ways. His thinking is that my controlling ways enabled him to "get along" in high school, and that once on his own he was not equipped for independence. </p>
<p>He is coming home on Friday, and hardly seems ready to talk about his next steps. </p>
<p>I believe that the school will allow him to continue on probation, but I believe that a leave of absence is in order for him. I want to help him sort out his mental health issues. I do think it will be challenging, as I have two daughters in middle and high school and life continues in our household at a brisk pace. I am wondering if there are any other parents out there who have been through something like this. If so, any experience, hope and strength would be most appreciated.</p>
<p>I have not been in that situation, but I do think that the most important thing is for him to take care of his health. I would strongly suggest taking a leave of absence, regrouping, then returning when he feels more ready.</p>
<p>I am sorry he is holding you responsible for his failure to be self-reliant in college. Where you were too much of a helicopter parent or not, the point is that he has to get rid of his anger and resentment, learn how to deal with his ADD and learn better time-management skills. He can do all this better at home and with help from a mental health expert.</p>
<p>Quick, if the semester isn’t over, and if he had any contact with therapy on campus and or student health about his depression, call tomorrow and press for a medical withdraw before grades are posted. It may be possible to keep the failing grades off the transcript if it’s not too late.</p>
<p>I went through this as a student. Although my parents had the best of intentions, sending me back for the second semester was a mistake. This was over 20 years ago and we just didn’t know that much about depression.</p>
<p>I wish you and your son the very best of luck.</p>
<p>We went through this. Sent kid back into school for another semester and she quit after the withdrawl deadline. The school did not refund a dime saying that since she had a problem the earlier semester (stayed in school but got out of housing contract and lived at home) that she should not have come back the next semester.Dr’s note asking for a medical withdrawl was ignored.</p>
<p>I did find out here on CC that you can buy tuition insurance in case something happens. I suggest this for your son when he does go back to school. i wish I had the insurance. I wish I had never pushed her to go back. I was frightened that she would get off track and never go back.</p>
<p>Good news is she is older, more mature, healthier and in community college doing awesome.</p>
<p>Wow, been, going through similar things. Listen to dragonmom^. We did this. Small LAC’s are often very accommodating.</p>
<p>Good luck to you. Can’t tell you it will all work out in the end. It has not yet worked out for us and it is not the end. (Although S did graduate this past May and has a degree. That’s about all I can say).</p>
<p>Your son has a lot of anger – at you and at himself. You might do well NOT to rush in with solutions – and NOT rush in to discuss the situation. Give him time and space to bring things up himself. I, too, am a nice, helpful mom. I tend to rush my sons when they need time to slow down and process things. </p>
<p>Females often talk through to reach a solution. Males can need time to mull things and THEN speak when they have reached a conclusion. Being a “talker” around a “muller” can make the “muller” feel like he’s being hammered by a woodpecker. </p>
<p>One possibility is to meet him at the door and say “wow, I am glad you are home.” Then work (hard!) NOT to say anymore about him and his challenges. Talk about the rest of the family. Talk about your self. Give him time and space. After a few hours or a day or two, then you can quietly say “I am going to trust your ability to assess your school situation. I’m glad to help but I think I need to respect your adulthood and let you tell me when and where and how you need my help.” Then go garden, shop, work out, walk the dog . . .take your self out of the target range. </p>
<p>He knows already that he’s goofed up. He’s ready to dump that all on you – and you avoiding being either a target or the Rescue squad (both of which he probably expects) could do a lot to helping him think things through. </p>
<p>The three other things that may help is 1) don’t schedule his time – maybe he has a dental appointment he has to make but otherwise don’t go cheerfully filling in his schedule. You can say “we need to get the decorations up and I was thinking of doing that on Sunday” but if he wants to be elsewhere, so be it. 2) Say something like “I do need some help with household tasks from everyone. I’ll put a list on the fridge and I need each family member to choose two each day and do them by 10 p.m.” Then turn a massive blind eye to any sloppiness he has. He will be testing you to see how much control you are bent on having. and 3) See if you can get him to assist others in some way. Food bank, animal shelter, driving to collect the homeless on a frozen night . . . you can set that up as an all family thing perhaps. Our local paper lists families with needs and one can take one’s own offspring to Walmart (or your alternative choice), shop for the family in need and have an awareness of one’s own blessings. </p>
<p>My own sons test me constantly to see if I can stand to give up the reins of control. It is hard to do so, but it’s very satisfying – both to see the surprise on their faces and to have them come and ask my opinion (eventually). </p>
<p>Good luck. It sounds like the next few weeks are going to be hard to navigate.</p>
<p>I third the above advice from dragonmom and add- if you can arrange a LEAVE OF ABSENCE for the next semester as well, it might be a very good idea to do so right now. That gives him plenty of time to recover, regroup and think, and takes you off the hook for paying for the next semester in a few weeks! What many parents and kids don’t seem to realize is college is a lot HARDER than HS, ESPECIALLY for students with LD’s and other issues.</p>
<p>I am most grateful for all of the input. I needed to hear it all - especially from those who tried to go back or send their child back too soon. In thinking this over, I am pretty sure that even if he decided he wanted to go back next semester - that the first late assignment, bombed quiz, whatever - could send him into a tailspin of depression again and “prove” to him once again that he can’t cut the mustard. </p>
<p>Olymom, your advice really, really resonated for me. I am going to read it a few times. It will be very challenging for me to sit back in this situation. Your concrete suggestions on ways to manage the situation once he is home, and on what to say and what NOT to say to him are incredibly helpful. </p>
<p>I really appreciate the feedback on this situation, and will be checking for any more suggestions tomorrow.</p>
<p>lucy7578,
I could have written your post. My son comes home on Saturday after taking medical leave. I did not see this coming. Like you, my son blames me for being a control freak, so I will take Dragonmom’s advice. I’m tired of trying to motivate this child and I hope he will take on the challenge when I don’t. </p>
<p>I don’t have much advice to give you. The university prescribes counseling and either attending college courses, volunteer work or a job. He must have counselor feedback and a reference letter documenting his work and achievement. Before he is readmitted to the university an interview with the academic dean is required. I think the guidelines are fair, thoughtful and hopefully a motivator for my son to go back.</p>
<p>*He is struggling with deep depression, and anger towards his family. He is suffering from extreme self-hatred, and seems to hold me responsible for his situation in many ways. His thinking is that my controlling ways enabled him to “get along” in high school, and that once on his own he was not equipped for independence.
*</p>
<p>Is he being treated for ADD? If not, he should. ADD and depression often go “hand in hand.” An appt for an evaluation should be made ASAP.</p>
<p>Also, ADD children and adults (who aren’t medicated and who haven’t developed compensation skills) often rely heavily on others (moms/wives/etc) to keep them “on task,” to remind them of their schedule, to find their misplaced items, to make plans for them, etc. It becomes a vicious cycle because they don’t develop compensation skills (because they don’t need to or really want to), and they get angry at the person that has been their “personal helper” all these years. </p>
<p>Don’t let your son blame you for this. He knew he’d be going away to college. He could have spent last summer developing some compensation skills, but he chose not to. Last summer, did you make any suggestions or try to encourage him to develop some compensation/organization skills for when he’d be on his own?</p>
<p>lucy7578, looks like life has thrown both you and your son quite a curveball, and I truly feel for you. My offspring have struggled with depression, anxiety, ADHD and LD’s in varying combinations, and the one piece of advice I would have is to go after the depression piece of the puzzle very aggressively, because it can stymie improvements on other fronts. If the meds your son is taking aren’t helping, then try others–this is frequently a trial and error game that takes much experimentation. Plus the psychopharamceutical armory grows by the day, so if his therapist is not on the cutting edge, it may be time to try someone else. </p>
<p>Early years at college my S was very noncompliant about meds; he finally accepted that they were as critical to his life as insulin for a diabetic. It was a maturing process. Time is your ally.</p>
<p>*Yes, he is on medication for ADD and also for depression, but I have no way of knowing if he has been taking them regularly. I suspect not. </p>
<p>In hindsight, I can think of several ways I could have let him take the reins more over the past summer and even spring.*</p>
<p>I suspect not, too. Some refuse to take the meds because they think it “changes” them (even though it is changing them for the better in many cases.) </p>
<p>Hindsight is 20/20. Now that your son is home, you can tell him that he will now be solely responsible for certain aspects of his life…his laundry, his wake-up time, his schedule, finding/locating his things, etc. If he asks for some organizational advice, you can either provide some choices or prompt him into figuring some out for himself. Since you have your own laundry to do, you son needs to decide which day/time will be his laundry time so that his time won’t conflict with your time to use the machines. </p>
<p>He may need some gentle prompting about how to develop some compensation skills for his ADD. For instance, if he’s the type who never knows where his wallet, cell phone, keys, etc are, then ask him if he’d like to designate one spot (perhaps a basket) where his cell phone charger is so he can put all his things in one spot. Have him get a basket and set up such an area if he thinks that will work for him.</p>
<p>If he’s going to be at home this next semester, he should at least be taking some classes at a local college or CC, and perhaps working a part-time job (again, he needs to be responsible for these things.). He shouldn’t be allowed to just stay up late and sleep in everyday while you supply car, gas, spending money. etc.</p>
<p>Lucy, we’ve been through this, almost exactly as you’ve described it. Oldest son had some “upset” that changed the dynamics, got depressed, became more isolated. Winter hit. Exams hit. The floor collapsed. (He also suffers from a history of depression, anxiety, and ADD).</p>
<p>Our biggest mistake was that we thought he should continue to finish his year. Mistake. He should have stayed home in December, and transferred. He went to a midsize university up north…way north. After a most devastating time, he is okay. Now a senior at a small LAC (much, much less competitive school) near us, he resides there but can come home on the weekends when he needs to get away. He still continues to suffer pouts of depression and anxiety, especially around exam time, but he’s slowy—very slowy—coming out of his shell. It’s been a very good choice to have him so closeby.</p>
<p>I’m sorry you and your son are going through this. I would go with Olymom’s advice. This needs to be sorted out before he can move on–in college or anywhere else. Hang in there!</p>
I would go with Olymom’s advice. This needs to be sorted out before he can move on–in college or anywhere else. Hang in there!</p>