<p>3bysmom—I read your post and heard something so familar. If you have any thought that your son should not be far from home than reconsider sending him. We have talked a great deal with my daughter and she told us (this was wonderful) that she did not think that being more than an hour away was in her best interest. She also told us that in order to get her degree she would need a place to come home to on a Friday night so that she does not get back into the partying and escapism that she found so easy to do when she was away. I see alot of growth since she is home but there is still a long way to go. She is doing very well on both the anti depressants and the ADD meds, and now I wonder how she managed without either. I feel so bad that she went so long struggling the way she did. </p>
<p>If your son is not showing you that he has it in him to make it on his own than switch gears now. I would never want to see anyone go through the pain of what our family experienced and had someone said to me during the application process that they saw what I saw in my daughter she would have never left. </p>
<p>A mothers ability to sense fear is a gift from God…listen to yourself and really keep your eyes open. Imagine yourself looking at your child the way you would look at another persons kid. You know what I mean…it is always easy to see what could be a problem when the child is not your own. Look at your son without any rose colored glasses and watch to see how he interacts with other adults, handles his own business, handles his friendships, and what he does when he has free time. Many of these things will clue you in to how he will do when mom is not around. </p>
<p>Just a quick add-on that sometimes kids with both depression and ADHD, end up actually being diagnosed as bipolar. If meds like SSRI’s aren’t working well or are causing problems, then an evaluation by a psychiatrist who is expert in bipolar may result in meds that are more effective, if that is the true problem. I have heard that 95% of those with bipolar disorder also have ADHD, and some apparently unipolar depressions are actually bipolar. Just a thought.</p>
<p>My S also has ADD. No mono, and no real depression beyond the normal, situation depression we all go through.</p>
<p>He was only 17 when he started college. In retrospect I think he was too young to take full responsibility for himself, and some difficulties arose.</p>
<p>I main reason for posting is to say is that he had the same anger at me, even without the same stressors. Lots of blame. He even blamed me for the choice of his school, which was totally his.</p>
<p>It took a lot of patience to work it out. The push-pull is intense. One poster wrote that the closer the boy is, often the more anger. I concur with that.</p>
<p>The first step is a conversation with the OP’s son about what he wants and then a strategy session about how to help him achieve that. I don’t think any plans can be made until you find out what he wants.</p>
<p>I want to tell the OP that she is not alone. A lot of these issues come up in many families. My heart goes out to your son. Mono plus ADD and depression? The poor lamb. My heart also goes out to you because I know that any pain he goes through, so do you, and you are trying to balance the helicoptering mommy with letting go a bit. It is very hard.</p>
<p>Good luck to both of you.</p>
<p>I think the best things said by other posters is that life is long and growth can take many shapes. </p>
<p>I had mono in 11th grade and missed almost the entire year. I did not tell my parents, I simply did not go to school. They of course eventually found out and took me to a doctor who said I had mono and several other things (physically) that caused my fatigue and inability to function normally. I was able to catch up on everything but Geometry (those dang theorums!) but the teacher gave me an incomplete and I did the work over the summer.</p>
<p>Mono can definitely be the straw to break a camels back if there are other things in the mox that challenge a good result.</p>
<p>I hope you are able to sort this all out and that your son gets the support he needs - both medically AND from his school</p>
<p>I have been so grateful for the advice and suggestions posted on this board. I am n ot a crier, but your words have started the tears flowing regularly. Mostly, it is good not to feel so alone with this issue, and to know that others have trudged or are on this path. </p>
<p>I have found the concrete suggestions on what to say or do very helpful. </p>
<p>My son got home on a red-eye flight this morning. He was definitely tired, but it is hard to read what is going on inside his head. It is so tempting to want to get “productive” conversations going and get some things decided right away but I agree that giving him time to de-stress is important. </p>
<p>I am a bit worried about the barrage of questions coming from friends and family that we will gather together with over the next week. I know they will all be asking about his first semester. When they ask me, I don’t want to necessarily invite scrutiny for him, but I don’t want to pretend everything is fine. If anyone has suggestions for responses to these kinds of inquiry, I would be most appreciative.</p>
<p>When people ask, you can talk about his mono and say he spent a lot of time sick. That will pave the way for whatever announcement you may still have to make. You can say that he does not yet know his grades. I would think that this would lead family and friends to commiserate without asking about his academic performance.</p>
<p>I agree with marite…it is not a good time for open discussion with grandparents, aunts and uncles. This will only make him feel worse and could cause further shutdown. If he is especially close to any family members he may decide to confide in them on his own. </p>
<p>The combination of depression and ADHD generally causes young adults to isolate and pretend to others that they are O.K…it is a pattern that they need to break. My daughter felt like such a failure. She did’nt say it but her body language did. </p>
<p>I am sending you my best wishes for strength and patience you already have the love, and that is what your son needs to see the most. I will be thinking of you.</p>
<p>He is off doing an errand with his dad right now. We spoke and agreed that his dad would let him know that we are ready to discuss his next steps when he feels ready to have that conversation. He is going to see the therapist he has a long relationship with on Monday, and on Tuesday, he has scheduled an appointment with someone new. That doctor has an interesting website and describes his practice as focusing on issues of ADD/ADHD and self-esteem. I emailed my son his website while he was still at school and suggested that he make himself an appointment if he decided he wanted to see that doctor. I view it as a tiny pinprick of hope that he mustered up the energy to make that appointment. And I know from the many supportive postings I have received on this board that pinpricks of hope can blossom into the light of day. Thank you all for continuing to share your experiences and suggestions. All of your words are very helpful in keeping me centered during this emotional time.</p>
<p>Tiny pinprick? I think that’s huge. That would be very difficult for my son to do, and he would find excuses not to do, and he doesn’t have that laundry list of issues your son is dealing with.</p>
<p>That sounds like a <em>very</em> good sign to me.</p>
<p>Lucy, I don’t have any words of wisdom to offer other than to echo others who say be kind to yourself. Remember to take care of yourself as you put your energies into caring for those around you. I also agree with mythmom that I think it’s huge that your son made that appointment himself! Look for the little victories. Your son is fortunate to have you in his corner supporting him. I wish your family the best over the holidays.</p>