<p>My son is entering his second year. He has rented an apartment and apparently had no plans to tell us that he is not living in the dorms. It seems that he planned to pay for his apartment on his own while we unknowingly paid his room and board. He has signed both an apartment lease and a dorm contract and will be unable to be released from either. </p>
<p>Background: Yes, I snooped and saw it in an email and - no - he does not know that I checked it. We did find a way to give him an "out". My h called his friend's (and apparent apartment roomie) mother to see if we could drive anything up for them since we have a big SUV. She told us that her son is living in an apartment this year --which gave us a way to bring it up with our son. We told him that we would begrudgingly support him living with his friend IF he could get out of his school housing contract. Since then, the school has refused to release him from the contract and he has not told us that he signed a lease.</p>
<p>Some more background - his schooling including dorm is paid by a family trust controlled by his grandma. I feel the need to snoop on him because he has had some issues with substance abuse (but not addiction) in high school. He received a lot of counseling and appeared to move past it and graduated from his competitive HS with honors. However, he was physically assaulted his first week on campus and had a serious injury. He finished his first year with a 2.3 gpa, a withdrawal in a 5 credit class, C's & and a D in his core subjects plus a citation for underage drinking. He came home stoned on his second night of summer break. I insisted he go back to counseling (he had 3 sessions) and take a summer class (he got a C) if he wanted to go back to school.I worry about him and by his behavior, it was obvious that something was up. I hate snooping but I new something was up and I was worried, truthfully I almost wish I hadn't found out - but I did and now I have no idea what I should do.</p>
<p>It's not ok morally or financially to put us (or his grandma) on the hook for room and board if he is not living there. And I know his response will be all about how he deserves his privacy and that it's no loss to anyone if he is paying his rent on his own. Someone please help me without flaming me. I am sick about this and don't know what to do.</p>
<p>If I were you, I’d be furious. I think he withdraws, lives at home, works a blue collar full time job (fast food, landscaping, etc) and pays back the trust.</p>
<p>How on earth was he going to pay for an apartment? Not to mention he is struggling with drugs, drinking and mediocre grades. He needs some serious counseling and doesn’t appear to be mature enough or stable enough to handle living on his own.</p>
<p>I’m sorry you are going through this.</p>
<p>So sorry you’re going through this.
How is he paying for the apartment? </p>
<p>The problem with sitting down and talking to him about what you’ve found out is that he’ll think you don’t trust him, unless you explain as you suggest (H calling the mom of the other boy).
Has he lied to you before?
Are you afraid he’s got the apartment so he can drink or do drugs?</p>
<p>In the best scenario, he wants some independence, he can pay for it, and he doesn’t perceive this as a slight to the fund set up for him.</p>
<p>In the worst scenario, he is doing something wrong.</p>
<p>Please post updates.</p>
<p>You say he has had troubles with drugs, but is not addicted.</p>
<p>You don’t know that for sure</p>
<p>For example, perhaps the assault involved some drug related incident ??? Sounds like this is a distinct possibility</p>
<p>And his lousy grades indicates he is not doing any studying</p>
<p>As for paying his rent on his own, he could be using that money to pay for the dorm.</p>
<p>Since the trust is paying his expenses, I would tell him to find someone to take over his obligations regarding the apartment he rented. I would also warn him that unless he got at least a 3.0 next semester, that the trust will not continue to pay for him to attend college</p>
<p>getting good grades is his JOB</p>
<p>Now, if he winds up with a 2.7, for example, you can be more lenient when the time comes to make a final decision, but if he is still getting D’s, then he is obviously goofing off, and should be cut off.</p>
<p>He could then attend community college until he shapes up. </p>
<p>But I am a parent, so perhaps some of the college students on this forum might have a better idea of what to do.</p>
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Why should OP trust him? Trust is earned, and with kids, it´s done by verification.</p>
<p>Signorina, regarding your statement: “And I know his response will be all about how he deserves his privacy and that it’s no loss to anyone if he is paying his rent on his own.”</p>
<p>In case it gives you any help in dealing with your son, I’d point out that, in my opinion, a student who “…finished his first year with a 2.3 gpa, a withdrawal in a 5 credit class, C’s & and a D in his core subjects plus a citation for underage drinking…” has actively demonstrated that he does NOT “…deserve his privacy.” His past academic results, coupled with past involvement with drugs, is reason enough to say there IS a loss to someone if he is paying rent on his own. It is a loss to your peace of mind, as a caring parent, if he refuses to live in the somewhat more structured and supervised environment (i.e. the dorm). Just my opinion. Sorry you have to deal with this, and I hope you can take some strength from the support of your fellow parents on this board. Sending best wishes to you.</p>
<p>Maybe one problem with this picture is that the trust is paying, so kids and parents are not anxious about hard-earned money wasted.</p>
<p>It sounds to me like he should not be in college at all this semester. I have a child who sometimes takes medical leaves for physical health, and even though immaturity was not an issue, and her grades were fine, each time she returns she gets more out of school.</p>
<p>Counseling might help but only if he is ready to benefit. </p>
<p>Did he live at home this summer? Work? Sounds like the summer class did not go that well.</p>
<p>Are you suggesting that the injury caused grades to slip, or somehow impacted his ability to do work? If that is the case, then he (and maybe you) should talk with his MD and meet with the school disability office. If there was a true medical reason for his problems, the school might even agree to wipe out some of those grades.</p>
<p>I don’t think he should be in college until you no longer feel a need to snoop! I completely understand why you did, no judgment intended, but it does tell you something about where he is at…</p>
<p>Sorry for your worries. I believe they are likely warranted. Your son is being offered a tremendous opportunity, but he doesn’t seem to know or respect that. Here are my thoughts: leaving home and being physically assaulted your first week on campus sound like very challenging circumstances to handle, particularly with his history. Has he had ongoing support in response to that? Did it trigger a return to former, not constructive coping strategies? His grades are not commensurate with his potential and that is often a red flag. Three sessions is rarely enough time to address any significant concerns, even if the therapist has known him over time.</p>
<p>If the plan he made was so reasonable, why did he hide it? He knows that paying twice and not having family know where you are living is not how things are done. You have likely paid tuition for the fall in full already, which may dictate part of how you respond to this. I would not want to make it comfortable for him to be so dishonest, nor to avoid addressing his problems. Becoming more accountable for his actions, including how he takes care of himself seems critical. He needs to seek help if he is to stay at school; counseling and academic support probably would make sense. If you can’t count on yourself, it is a big loss. Helping him develop that self-reliance would be my goal as his parent. Unstructured time is also likely to exacerbate his difficulties. Wishing you all the best with this.</p>
<p>How did he get an apartment without someone else co-signing? Even with his trust, most landlords would insist on a co-signer since he probably doesn’t have any credit.</p>
<p>Does his grandma know about his double-dipping? Someone had to approve the funds, unless he just has free reign.</p>
<p>He should be confronted immediately, and you don’t have to tell him your source. If you don’t confront him, then you are giving him your permission to continue to be irresponsible. Time for tough love.</p>
<p>To clarify: (not meant as excuses)</p>
<p>The assault was not drug related. He was sucker punched by a drunk townie his first weekend at school, there were witnesses and a police report and he was briefly hospitalized. He had a concussion and a serious eye injury that required bed rest for 10 days. He almost lost his sight. It was his second concussion in a year. (first was sports injury)</p>
<p>As far as substances-He was assessed at the time we found out that he was experimenting - summer going into junior year. He was in ATOD counseling for over a year and his counselor and the initial assessment concurred that while he had crossed the line into experimentation (aka abuse) he was not an addict. We drug and alcohol tested him weekly and randomly for 2 years - always with a negative result. He did receive an underage drinking citation while away at school this year (at a party, he was not driving) WHICH IS NOT OK, but his BAC was a .03 - the equivalent of 1 beer. </p>
<p>He did come home stoned (we drug tested him and he flat out admitted it) his 2nd night home. NOT OK. We insisted he go back to counseling and he complied. He has also remained clean. It is my tendency to over-react and I am desperately trying to treat it like any other kid who got high in college. . .But I don’t know…</p>
<p>He has said to us that he has trouble concentrating and trouble with energy levels. His counselor - whom I like and trust - suggested that the decline in grades he has experienced together with his symptoms could be post concussive syndrome. He also is dealing with anxiety resulting from the assault which was truly very frightening.</p>
<p>I assume he is paying for the apartment from his income this summer. He has worked landscaping 10 hours a day, 5-6 days a week for the entire break. It’s his 3rd summer on this job and he does work very hard.</p>
<p>Again no excuses - just clarifying.
Deega-I agree with you . That is my first instinct, though I don’t relish the thought of him coming home and blowing this opportunity. Withdrawing is the ONLY way he can get out of his housing contract. To compound problems, his girlfriend of 3 years has transferred schools to be with him. Not my problem but he won’t go to community college at home without a big fight.
Floridadad-I am relatively certain he is not an addict, but you’re right - i don’t know what type of path he is on. I agree with your advice. But I know it won’t happen without a conflict and I am dreading it. </p>
<p>Classof2015 - we did use the mom of the other boy as our reason for knowing he was contemplating an apartment and an opportunity for him to fess up. He has not and therefore, I checked his email again only to find out that he cannot get out of his dorm contract and that he has indeed signed a lease. you hit the nail on the head when you wrote the Best Case/Worst case. That’s the dilemma that is making me sick to my stomach. </p>
<p>THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU</p>
<p>Following up again - this parent is indeed anxious about the hard earned money being wasted. It may be a trust, but it was set up with my blessing with an inheritance I could have chosen to take personally. It’s also a pool of money meant to be used by him and his brothers, so wasting it (especially in this stock market) is NOT OK BY ME.</p>
<p>Signorina- forgive me.</p>
<p>I think you need to step back a little from the problem at hand (paying for a dorm he’s not living and worrying how to get the money back) and gain a little perspective on your real problem. If it were my kid- he would not be back in school this semester. Trust fund, grandma, not relevant. The combination of the academics, his HS substance issues, what may be depression or lingering results of his injury/medical condition, plus distance- sounds like a heap of trouble in the making to me. And to throw the GF in the mix?</p>
<p>He knows you don’t trust him, and he knows why you don’t trust him (because he’s not trustworthy). He’s avoiding the conflict in the same way that you are (kids learn many of their coping strategies at home).</p>
<p>Did you get counseling for yourself once his drug issues emerged? Are you seeing that person now? Does he have a therapist at school and if not, how amenable would he be to “checking in” once a week? </p>
<p>Hugs to you. This isn’t easy, but I think you need to forget about the unoccupied dorm room for a bit while you focus on some bigger and more consequential issues, i.e. what is your son doing in college when he seems to be exhibiting signs that he doesn’t belong there right now.</p>
<p>You’re right Blossom. And I am avoiding conflict only because I don’t want it. I have two younger boys at home and I don’t want all of this upheaval in our lives. Honestly, I don’t care about the grades so much. He can graduate with a Cs, it may not get him where he wants to go in life, but at least he will have a degree. I fear the alternative is us insisting he move home culminating in drama with his moving/stomping out to god-knows-where. Problem is that he is 19 and I can’t force him to go to therapy and the school does not cooperate with parents who want information, help, etc.</p>
<p>^ This says it all. My heart goes out to you, it really does. Your son shouldn’t be in school simply to avoid conflict in your home. It’s not an either/or situation. There are other alternatives. I don’t have those answers, but I urge you to seek guidance from a therapist (for you and your son) to find a good alternative to simply finding the path of least resistance. It is almost never the best choice. I have not been in your shoes, but I have a very challenging 20yo that causes a lot of frustration for everyone in our family, always has. I have cried many nights over difficult decisions to have him live elsewhere for a time, pay back semesters of tuition, leave school, etc. It is a hard, hard road parenting some kids. Gentle hugs to you!!!</p>
<p>If you do decide that he is going to go to school and live away, perhaps he can sublease the apartment.</p>
<p>Signorina- there are C’s and then there are C’s. A kid who works 15 hours a week to help pay his tuition, or is playing a sport, on the college debate team, playing the cello in a chamber music ensemble, running food drives for the local homeless shelter- these are all time consuming and productive activities and if it results in C’s in his classes- hey, life is filled with trade-offs. There is nothing wrong with a kid who has multiple priorities in college (as in life). But I sense from your description that this does not describe your son’s week. Forgive me if I’m wrong.</p>
<p>C’s plus the dropped class plus the drinking citation plus coming home high plus the duplicitous way he’s rented an apartment- to me this suggests the tip of a very deep iceberg that goes beyond a kid who has other priorities besides hitting the library every night. </p>
<p>I think a professional will help you first deal with some of the denial- that in fact by avoiding upheaval you are helping him. I don’t know that you are. And second, will help you realize that it’s not an either/or- him leading a life in college he can’t or won’t tell you about vs. him coming home and wrecking life for the rest of the family.</p>
<p>Hugs. I hope you have a good friend in real life you can lean on right now.</p>
<p>I want to know why didn’t he just come to you and say he wanted to move out of the dorm and into an apartment? Did he think you would say, “no way.” And if you would have said “no way” why? It’s not unusual for kids to want to move out of the dorms after their freshman year.</p>
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<p>Agree with you Oldfort about this particular kid, given his history. But teens in general? I am not sure you mean that. </p>
<p>With any person I love or am close to (spouse, child, relative, friend, coworker), the default is I trust them…it doesn’t even enter my head they can’t be trusted, until or unless I have a reason to believe otherwise. Nothing to be ‘earned’ and I sure don’t go looking for nor need verification. It has worked out fine so far.</p>
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<p>The OP has reason not to believe her son. Previous drug use, poor grades, etc. If he’d been doing fine in school, earned say a 3.0, no w/d’s, and didn’t come home stoned there would have been no reason for verification. As it turns out, it was justified. Until you live with someone who continually, continually deceives you, it’s very hard to understand the need to verify what they present.</p>
<p>The OP readily admits that she wants to avoid conflict. Her son is lying to do the same.</p>
<p>I have a sort of different take on this. I think two concussions in one year is a very serious situation, and this needs to be explored. He was assaulted in his first week on campus?? And almost lost eyesight in one eye? Does he have some sort of PTSD? </p>
<p>Unfortunately, because he had a history of drug experimentation before this, people are going to jump to the assumption that this is all about the kid being a jerk. It could be he has some health issues going on due to the concussions. </p>
<p>Yes, the OP wants to avoid conflict, but before she sets some boundaries, she needs to tell him he needs to get a thorough evaluation by a neurologist.</p>