did any of you not fit in with other college students?

Parents Forum
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<p>did any of you not end up making many friends in high school and college because you didnt fit in with the other students because you were too nerdy or not into pop culture? or too shy? if so, how did you end up in life? do things get much better in life after college and in the workplace? if so, how did you work on your personal problems, such as shyness or lack of people skills? did you make most of your friends in work?</p>

<p>i'm thinking of trying to graduate from college asap since i'm so miserable. but on the other hand, i feel pressured to stay here longer, if not to enjoy the experience and make good friends, then to at least improve my people skills since i hear theyre so importnat in the workforce</p>

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<p>Newton, do you have a job? I think that if you have a summer job or a part-time job during the school year, that will be a good way to get a sense of whether you feel that you fit in and get along better with co-workers.</p>

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<p>I am a very shy person. Still have a tendency to prefer activities done on my own to those with a gaggle of people. However, that has not been a lifetime of personal problems. It means I have a different focus. Not a gang of friends but a few good ones, with shared interests. Known for quiet and analytical, I solve a lot of problems and see issues in a different way from others at work. Makes me a valued team member and leader, but not the one hanging out after work. </p>

<p>Each person needs to understand their own strengths and styles and learn to work with them, not against them. What is making you miserable? You cannot begin to address a solution without understanding that. Do you feel too alone? There IS someone else there who feels like you, that likes that same things you do. They may be a little harder to find than the party types. Got to observe a little to see them. Small study group? A volunteer activity? A part time job? Then find a way to ask a question. </p>

<p>Do you feel hopeless? This is more serious. There is a student resource center or counseling center on your campus. Find out what they have to offer. Many have help for students to work though interpersonal issues. Many have life skills classes where you can explore ways to identify your own style. . </p>

<p>If you can figure out what is making you miserable, you can adapt. Choose to go with your strengths, not fight them. Find the things that make you happy and build on them. We're here with you.</p>

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<p>I was popular and had lots of friends in HS. In college, I had some issues taking place at home, which messed me up, and I felt at sea. I wasn't grounded. In addition, it was the late '60s, and lots of things -- political, cultural -- were happening, which I didn't understand, didn't feel passionate about, and didn't feel a part of. Consequently, I was miserable my entire four years. I probably should have been at a different school, a smaller one, without Greek life and less rah-rah, but I couldn't articulate that at that time. I assumed there was something wrong with me, not the fit between me and the environment.</p>

<p>I spent a lot of time in therapy getting to know myself, and got a series of progressively better jobs. Got married, two kids, yada yada. </p>

<p>Once you can design your own environment, things get better.</p>

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<p>Your post really gets to me, because often we like to tell kids who don't fit in in middle school, "Wait! High school will be so much better!" Then, when it isn't, we say, "Oh, but college . . . it's so different. Just wait!" I am very sorry you are so miserable at your college.
Your post does not say if you are a freshman. If so, there is still time to consider transferring. This school may not be a good fit for you.
If you are shy now, you will probably always be on the shy side. Have you considered counseling to help you talk out your difficulties? Sometimes, counselors can help you strategize and think up small steps you can take.
It often comes down to small steps -- saying Hi to people as you pass, asking one person for coffee. You need to find one or two friends -- that's all it takes.
I wouldn't focus so much on the workplace yet. Yes, you will need some "people skills" in almost any job. But a happy person tends to be a confident person, and you deserve to be happy. Invest time in yourself now to figure some things out.</p>

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<p>Newton: Do you enjoy outdoor activities, like hiking, bicycling, and the like. Most colleges seem to have an Outdoors/Outing club - getting involved in an activity like that or a club sport often helps in meeting other students. Good luck</p>

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<p>i'm a JUNIOR, not a freshman. i feel miserable because i want to fit in socially, if not in college, then at least later in life. i'm sick of being so lonely. my brother is like my only friend. i dont want to be that wimpy guy who cant confront his boss about not receiving a paycheck. i dont want to be that wimpy 40-year old virgin.</p>

<p>i want to have SOME fun in life, not just study all the time</p>

<p>but i also want to succeed in the adult world, by living responsibly, making decent money, working at a job i love, and being a good role model for my children. </p>

<p>i just recently joined a fencing club sport and i plan on joining the outdoors club, that is if they ever meet up. </p>

<p>so my best plan would be to not graduate asap? but instead to try to enjoy college life and gain more people skills?</p>

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<p>I think joining fencing club is a great step on your part. Could you also find a non-athletic club with regular meetings that interests you (computers, nature, whatever)? This way, you could spend time talking or learning about topics you enjoy with other people who enjoy them. Maybe this could lead to inviting someone for a bite to eat after a meeting, or hanging out in another scenario. Eventually you could make a couple of friends and meet more people through them. Even if you don't hit it off with anyone, sharing your opinions and spending time talking to other people will help with the people skills that you're looking for.</p>

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<p>Newton, like you, I am basically an introvert. I didn't fit in very well with my undergrad classmates, either. I have always believed that my school and I were not a "fit," though back then (late 70s) I don't remember anyone talking about that when we were applying. Interestingly, I went to the same U for grad school, but very different college/major, and made a few great friends (one of whom I remain friends with 25 years later). I have continued to learn about myself and the world, and have found a small group of friends everywhere I've been since grad school. My H and I are more family-oriented than some people, and enjoy spending time at home with D & S or with a few good friends. We have both served in many community positions, and feel good about our contributions, but we still prefer small groups or time by ourselves to social gatherings. It's not a character flaw--it's a difference. In our society, it's easy to feel like introversion is a problem. It's really just a different way of being, and has a lot to recommend it.</p>

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<p>Also should have added that I think joining a club or two as you have done is a great way to meet people. I wish I had done more of that as an undergrad, but I think I lacked the self-confidence to "get out there" in a very large U environment. Good for you!</p>

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<p>so my best plan would be to not graduate asap? but instead to try to enjoy college life and gain more people skills?</p>

<p>Yes, college is the time for growth and discovery. You can try out some new people skills and know that everyone else really is just as awkward as you feel. Ask someone who seems interesting to grab a cup of coffee or whatever after club or event. Ask someone who seems interesting to study together before a test. Get to know people 1 on 1 and expand from there. The next time ask another to join both of you. Learning those skills while in college is a lot easier.</p>

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<p>I think shy people are lovely. Still waters run deep. I get tired of brassy, noisy sometimes self-promoting people. When a shy person says something, others listen because it's a rare event.</p>

<p>Building on your strengths, can your brother give you some pointers, if he has a friendship circle? My own kids read some books, even some classics like "How to Win Friends and Influence People" helped them, they said. I saw one brother pass it down to another, so it must've been helpful.</p>

<p>At college, I have two suggestions for shy kids: try doing backstage theater work as a volunteer, because you'll always be appreciated, the task is a common bond between everyone there (unlike "partying"), you get known and respected by what you do (lights, props, costume), rehearsals occur when others party (weeknights) and performances even more so (weekend nights).You can get in on the bottom rung even if you've never done it before. Contact your university's theater department to see if there are student shows left for this year; email the student director and ask if you can help. You could try it out, anyway and if it "clicks" for you, do more next year.
It's fun to be part of the "crew" and let the "cast" get the stage nerves for you!</p>

<p>The other suggestion, if you have any past history with church or temple groups, is to see if there are any such groups on campus. They will not resemble your home congregation, but have a college approach. Whether it's for services or community volunteer work, you might find some extremely nice kids there, some of them shy, yet concerned to participate in the world of people by DOING something positive. You also don't have to stick to the same denomination as home; explore a bit. If you've never tried it, still college is THE time to try new things and this might be a satisfying new adventure.
Religious life on campus is about much more than God; it's about helping and knowing other people, making relationships and friends. </p>

<p>Informal sports and clubs is the other great solution and you've already begun this with joining the fencing club. </p>

<p>Honestly, for tips on social skills, I really like the self-help books in a Barnes and Noble. It's a safe place to learn. Don't waste money buying them, but a few hours standing and browsing them might help; or buy the best one or two. Look under Psychology or Self-Help. Wear sunglasses. Maybe you'll meet someone nice there, too ;)</p>

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<p>"Could you also find a non-athletic club with regular meetings that interests you (computers, nature, whatever)? "</p>

<p>haha, i wish. i dont have many interests</p>

<p>"It's not a character flaw--it's a difference. In our society, it's easy to feel like introversion is a problem. It's really just a different way of being, and has a lot to recommend it."
i hate being an introvert. people dont show you any respect. the only benefit is that i do well academically.</p>

<p>"The other suggestion, if you have any past history with church or temple groups, is to see if there are any such groups on campus."
well, i'm a pretty hardcore atheist. but i did think about joining the christian club with studnets of the same ethnicity as me, so i could meet students of the same ethnicity. but i figure they may not accept me as long as i stay atheist, but remain open to the possibility of converting and dont attack their religion</p>

<p>knitmom, how were you able to have a social life in college if you didnt join ANY clubs? or did you not have a social life? also, has your introversion caused you problems in the workforce? i thought people skills are really important when working, but you seem to have made it ok in life</p>

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<p>My guess is that lots of kids run into doubts about faith, yet continue to enjoy the activity and environment of church groups for the social or ethnic friendships. Anywya, it might be worth a few visits just to see if it clicks for you. Guess what; others might share your same doubts, but want to be friends anyway. Just don't engage much in conversations about whether you "believe" but focus on the other aspects of the group, especially doing charitable acts and sharing the ethnic bonds you mentioned. Meanwhile, you'll be making friends without trying so hard, because you're involved in something.</p>

<p>Another angle is to take the "good acts" idea and find groups that help others, for example, service clubs that tutor kids or help in food banks near your campus. That has the "social action" feeling without the theology. Sometimes, though, the kids overlap in these groups. Either way, it's nice to meet kids who think about more than just themselves. </p>

<p>A good way to lose self-consciousness is to work on behalf of others in need. Amazingly, this effort attracts other very kind, compassionate, open-minded students who might accept you because you're busy smearing peanut butter on bread for a homeless shelter...it works. Is there a "Habitat for Humanity" around you (build houses for homeless people). If you can use a hammer, you're golden and ready to go.</p>

<p>If you ever want to read someone funny who wrote about shyness, try Garrison Keillor, host of the radio show "Prairie Home Companion." He's always talking about what it feels like to be shy. A bit of humor might be helpful summer reading. I'm not sure which book is best, but shyness is a regular theme with him.</p>

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<p>I just ran into a lovely young woman who decided to graduate college in three years not four. The school she ended up at just wasn't the right place for her, but she stuck it out. Now, instead of having another unhappy year, she is heading off to Duke to work in their primatology lab. She's thrilled.</p>

<p>There are many opportunities for growth in life. If college is not your thing, I see no harm in graduating early. It's for you to decide.</p>

<p>BTW: My S has a late fall birthday and has always been small for his age. Everyone advised me to keep him in preschool an extra year. Everyone that is, except his preschool teacher. She had he hated preschool type activities because he was so shy and would do better in kindergarten. Some thought he needed another year of preschool to get over his skyness so he could do kindergarten. But I took her advice and he thrived in a more academic environment.</p>

<p>If your focus is the future and you line up something you want to do post-graduation you can save time and money by graduating early. However, if you enjoy your club sport and think you're making emotional/social progress by staying in school then that's the decision for you.</p>

<p>In the end, it probably won't matter as much as you think. We take ourselves wherever we go and our life challenge is grow ourselves up.</p>

<p>Good luck. My money's on you.</p>

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<p>I was very shy when I went to college in a big city, and I also came from a small town, so I stood out like a hick.</p>

<p>I did make a few friends in college, and I continued working on my shyness. College actually is probably the best time in your life to work on shyness because most of the people who surround you are around your age, and there are plenty of activities that you can participate in with people who share your interests even if your interests are "nerdy."</p>

<p>The first time I went to graduate school, I was more lonely than in college because I didn't have a car, and also was still shy, and it's harder to participate in campus ECs while in grad school because most ECs are focused on undergrads.</p>

<p>After, I worked for a couple of years, and continued working on my shyness, and made some more friends. It is harder, however, in general to make friends at work because fewer people will be around your age, and some of the people who are your age will be married with kids and won't have time to hang out. </p>

<p>Wherever I was, however, I did keep working on shyness by reading self help books, joining organizations that interested me, volunteering for leadership positions with them, going to social events even though I felt awkward. The more I did such things, the less shy and awkward I became.</p>

<p>It wasn't until I was in my 30s that I wasn't shy and socially awkward.</p>

<p>Now I'm in my 50s, and am doing lots of things that I was too shy to do before. This includes taking ballroom dancing and acting in community theater. The more I try new things and get myself into new environments, the easier it is for me to do other new things and meet people. In fact, to my surprise considering how awkward and shy that I used to be, I am a very popular person now with lots of very nice friends. People also regard me as "sophisticated," something that cracked me up the first time someone told me that. It was so hard for me to believe because I used to be such a nerdy hick. :)</p>

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<p>Isn't it interesting how, as we grow older, we're willing to do things that once upon a time were so scarey to us?</p>

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<p>I was shy as a young child, though no one would ever guess that now. I'm as extrovert as they come. However, an earlier poster reminded me that I, too, read "How to Win Friends" while in school -- high school or college I can't remember. I second that idea and, in fact, plan now on finding it and suggesting it to my 15yo who is a bit of an introvert.</p>

<p>I did feel a bit like a fish out of water at my four-year school. I had transferred and found the cliques in my preferred activity already established and hard to crack. I ended up getting an entry-level job in my chosen field that junior year, and it was wonderful. I didn't need those college kids after all!</p>

<p>Good luck to you.</p>

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<p>Oh, and VH, yes. I used to be terrified of public speaking, but I have just forced myself to do it in friendly situations so that I could overcome that fear. Now, I'll grab a microphone at a moment's notice (unless we're talking karaoke).</p>

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<p>Somehow I guess we learn that the world doesn't end if things don't work out, that we're still the same person if things don't work out. So we're much more bold about trying stuff. And we learn we can really handle some things that used to be scarey.</p>

<p>Whether public speaking, or approaching an interesting looking stranger at a party, or decorating the dining room, or sewing some toss cushions. Whatever you were too scared to do before becomes much much easier.</p>