I guess I’m just curious- when is it okay to tell an authority figure you don’t feel safe? Because I was scared…
What were you scared of? Did you think you were in physical danger-- that she would somehow hurt you? Or was it more a feeling of discomfort, that you she might be annoyed or not like you? “Unsafe” usually implies a physical threat.
I don’t believe you were scared of her. People don’t “get up in the face” of people who frighten them. And they don’t make snarky comments to them either.
You should talk to someone who can help you learn how to communicate more effectively. You might also explore how to take responsibility for your own actions instead of blaming others. Every anecdote you tell includes rude things you said and did to her and very little that she did to you. I think you’re lucky that she didn’t file a formal complaint against you a long time ago. If you don’t address your issues you may not be as lucky with your next roommate.
Don’t say you “felt unsafe.” That makes it seem like you think she will attack you. It’s an immature, overused phrase. “Uncomfortable” is more accurate in this situation.
Let’s keep “unsafe” for questions of, uh, safety.
I was scared she would do something if I tried to talk to her about the issues because she slammed the doors sometimes, stomped her feet and gave me dirty looks. Also, most of the comments my roommate confronted me about in the text were from moments during 2nd semester, the semester after the RA incident
Well, you asked if you handled it correctly and have received several responses that you probably overreacted by saying you felt unsafe. I agree that unsafe should be used if it is a physical threat.
But I think the real mistake was getting so physically close to her and commenting on her physical appearance unless she asked you to. You don’t seem to have been friends with her, which is fine, many roommates are not buddies. Even if one side wants to be.
In the future, don’t try to be BFFs with your roommate. Give her space and privacy until you can assess the situation. Say some things directly “Can we turn the light out at 11?” “Would you please take the trash out every other night?” Set expectations directly, but do your fair shares and compromise too.
Honestly, I’m a big fan of singles!
Geez, OP, I don’t even know where to start.
Like others have mentioned, why are you dwelling on this?
Serious question, have you ever been to counseling? Honestly, you sound like you may be on the Autism spectrum. No biggie if you are, but getting a diagnosis and then some coaching on social interactions could be a big help in the future. Your responses REALLY seem to be missing the mark, and yes, most people would interpret them as rude.
To quote you:
For example, one time (in person) she said, “I’m not trying to avoid the room or anything, I’m just not here most of the time because I’ve been working a lot.” I said, “Oh, I don’t have a job because my parents have good jobs, and I got lots of scholarships because I’m smart, or at least that’s what people say.”
Did she ask about your parents’ jobs? No. Did she ask about your finances or intelligence? No.
Correct response: “Thanks for letting me know. How do you like your job? Is it tough to juggle school and work? Let me know if there’s any way I can be of help, like if you need quiet time for studying.”
She also was talking casually about how she hoped her skin didn’t look too oily. I was like, “let me see.” She says, “uhh no…” I was like, don’t worry I won’t judge." I got up in her face and looked at her skin and said, “Oh, you just have large pores. I have small ones.”
Did she ask for you to inspect her face? No. Did she ask you to comment on her pores? No.
Correct response: Not “let me see.” Just say, “You look fine.”
There was also a time when she asked if the school internet was working for me. I said, “Yes, I have unlimited data on my phone.”
Did she ask about your phone data? No.
Correct response: “I’m not having a problem with the wifi” or “Yes, it’s been acting up for me, too.”
She also showed me her theatre headshots a different day, because she wanted her top 10 chosen for the photographer to edit. I said, “To edit this, I would take out the red part on your forehead, and then sculpt your cheekbones, but idk what the acting industry likes”.
Did she ask YOU to point out her flaws, as you perceive them? No.
Correct response: “My favorites are __, _, and .”
If you’re not going to get some help (your college should offer free counseling), THINK about what is being asked by the other person before you answer. If they didn’t ask specifically for you to comment on something, DON’T.
^^^ THIS!
A question that someone asks you is not an opening for you to point out your opinion of your own superior qualities or advantages in life. It is not an opportunity for you to maximize what you believe to be flaws in that other person. If someone asks you (point blank) to critique them or to point out flaws (for their own improvement), then MAYBE you can do so, but still, tact is usually called for. And usually that would only happen in a long-term friendship, not in the getting-to-know-you stage. If you continue to blurt things out that are hurtful, boastful or intrusive, than you’ll likely not get to that stage of friendship. OP, your roomate probably got to that point of hiding her face to you because SHE didn’t not feel expecially safe (or at least comfortable) with you.