I just found out that I didn’t get a bid to the fraternity that I desperately wanted to get into. Since first semester, I did my best to meet the brothers in the frat. I became cool with a lot of the brothers and even became close friends with a few of them. I even knew most of the brothers that are on the executive board. I got invited to private parties that only people who the brothers knew were invited to and really seemed like I was going to be a brother. I honestly thought I was set and would get a bid. During the interviews, I answered the serious questions really well and when it came to the joke questions made the brothers laugh. How do I deal with this? Should I rush this frat next semester? Is it embarrassing? It really took a shot at my self-esteem and confidence. Anything would help.
I am not sure how to answer some of your specific questions because I know nothing about this process. I do know that right now you are disappointed and angry–maybe even feels a bit like a break up. Sometimes you don’t get what you want and the reasons can be explained (just hang out in the Ivy League decision threads on decision day). But with time, those feelings of disappointment and anger will abate and you will move on. Should you rush again? Depends on whether or not you want to risk this outcome again? You definitely won’t get in if you don’t try. Who cares if it is embarrassing? If you really want this it won’t matter. Think about maybe rushing some others too if that is allowed.
I am sure you are hurt and disappointed but you should try not to take it too hard. There are many reasons you may not have been given a bid which don’t have that much to do with you. If you hang with some of the guys in the frat, maybe they are in conflict with others who hold more power. You never know. But obviously if they invite you to come to private parties they like you. Could they have had a limit on the number of bids that they could extend? Maybe the guys you hang with aren’t the ones who have that much clout in terms of bids. Perhaps you don’t even know the guys who have the most clout. You can 't tell and should not read too much into it. Just hang out with people you like who are in the frat and others not in that frat. Keep your options open. I know loads of guys who joined frats in their later years at college. So, don’t let it get to you or to your confidence. Just figure you now have some time to get to know other frats and other living groups to decide if they are for you.
I would not be embarrassed. As noted above, there can be power struggles in the fraternity that you would not be privy to. I watched several people who were friends with one group not get in because they were opposed by a more powerful voting block. Not that the individual person was opposed but voting blocks were opposed to each other because they were all trying to steer the group in the direction they wanted. The right person, speaking at the right time, can make it happen for a candidate and the wrong guy, speaking at the wrong time, can ruin it. If these guys are still your friends, enjoy it. If not, perhaps look at other fraternities.
It definitely sucks to get turned down, but being in that frat (or any) is not the end all and be all. Lick your wounds and move on.
Probably not. If you are really close with a current brother you can see if maybe you can pry any information out of him about why you didn’t get a bid (e.g. was it a matter of not being able to take everyone they wanted, house politicking a la BearHouse describes or flat out not wanting to take you). I’m sure he’s not supposed to disclose what goes on in those meetings so it will take a certain level of friendship/trust between you two for him to divulge it. This will help you evaluate if it’s really worth your time to try this house again. Just based on my own experience in a fraternity at Brown (where the system is really not competitive and thus it may not be applicable to your school), if you still want to be in a fraternity, I think you would be better off rushing other houses next semester rather than trying again with this one.
It’s ok to be upset about it initially but this doesn’t really mean anything about your worth. If your name is because you you wrestled in high school, you’ve surely had at least one devastating loss or at least had to come back from a deficit in a match. You recovered from that - which took a lot more character to recover from than this will - you’ll recover from this.
Honestly thank you for this response, it was something that I was thinking in my head but needed to hear from someone else. This situation really helped me learn about rejection and life, sh*t happens. The comment you made about wrestling really hit me hard and I really appreciate it. Once again, thank you.
I understand that it must hurt and it must feel personal. Given that you are friends with these guys and have been invited to private parties, my guess is that it’s not personal and it has more to do with the process itself and the brokering that goes on behind the scenes.
Whether to rush again depends on a bunch of factors. Do you attend a school where Greek life is dominant? Are there alternative clubs and activities that could take the place of the fraternity? I agree with the advice you’ve already gotten to continue to be friends with the guys in the frat and cultivate friendships with people outside the frat. Expand your network and reevaluate next year.
Don’t be embarrassed! It’s always a good thing to put yourself out there and try. Picking yourself up after a disappointment is impressive and healthy and it will take you far.
@wrestler132 From a parent who was in a fraternity, sometime a prospective member who parties a lot with the guys will rub one or two of the guys the wrong way. You could have flirted with one of the guy’s girlfriends or maybe said or done something a little stupid after having a few drinks. Who is to know? Chances are there was some bickering over it within the chapter. It generally only takes one to three guys to cut someone.
I don’t know what rush is like on your campus, but the hard and fast rule is to go into it with several houses in mind and not to have your heart set on any one house. This can be hard, but it’s an absolute necessity.
Chances are you still have a few friends in the chapter who are a little sheepish that you didn’t get a bid. They may not be as close a friends as you would have liked for them to be, but just accept in and move on and try to keep them as friends. Lots of people don’t get the bid they want.
I know nothing about you, but just reading your post I am wondering if you are trying too hard?
Instead of making your whole identity/social life around this one fraternity, you need to be someone who has some self esteem and has something to bring to the fraternity.
So don’t dwell on this with your friends in the fraternity…maybe after a while talk to someone you are close to in the fraternity and ask if it is worth rushing again next year.
As a parent who did join a frat, all I can say is it gets old fast. Not missing much IMO.
Well, now that you’ve seen what this system does, do you really want to be a part of it? Maybe make some friends who won’t be treating you this way, who can honestly just be your friend.