Our son chose a college against our values, but his values are very different from ours, and he has taught us to appreciate (some of) his. We really have no idea how a child raised in this household could become what he is becoming, but he is forming a life for himself that satisfies what drives him, so our judgement ends there.
I don’t feel any need to justify anyone else’s decisions. The only justification that matters is the one the decision-maker makes to himself. It is clear that our son thinks his choice was the best one for him, so it must be as we can never know differently.
We certainly spent less on college as the service academies don’t charge parents anything, and our son did not choose the highest ranked program he was admitted to, but it’s hard to argue value when there is no money involved. Had he not chosen this route, we would have paid for whatever college he decided on as we don’t place a financial ROI on education, but we did clearly explain to him that his college education would be our last financial gift to him. I guess he’s having the last laugh.
Ive done both, one child got into NYU Tisch but considering the money wasn’t guaranteed I didn’t think 70k COA was worth it, she had the option of a full tuition st 3 other schools, and chose an HBCU where she thrived, had excellent internships and has already had a couple of jobs since graduation. D2 also had full tuition to instate but we chose to send her to private because it was a better fit.
My D was accepted to a few highly ranked schools… she would have received a small financial aid award her first year, but we would have been full pay for the remaining 3 years… at about $65-70,000 each year. That was too much money for us at the time. She applied hoping for one of the lottery merit awards.
She attends a very strong public university that in my opinion is giving her the same opportunities that she would have received at the other schools., at a cost that is affordable to us. She is permitted to take classes at one of the schools we could not afford…, the schools are considered academic collaborators and share some of the same professors.
My other daughter stayed instate and then attended a great grad program.
No regrets. Every family does what works for them.
“I don’t feel any need to justify anyone else’s decisions. The only justification that matters is the one the decision-maker makes to himself. It is clear that our son thinks his choice was the best one for him, so it must be as we can never know differently.”
I think we are saying the same thing. I am saying, if you wanted to, you could always justify your decision because ultimately parents are geared towards supporting whatever decisions their kids make. Therefore, I am saying there is really no reason to justify anything.
I know many students who could choose any school and not worry about the money. They are very luck. And most did not choose the highest ranked school. The Bush twins are a good example. One went to Yale, the other to UT (instate rates).
Many many more are happy to go to school at all and do the CC to 4 year schools, or go part time and finish when they can.
Thank you for creating this thread. I think it is a good idea for parents to read all the different thoughts and reasons for the decisions we make with our kids related to college education.
We have two kids, one in college and one making decision soon. Fortunately, we have the ability to pay for whatever college they choose. Education is something our kids will never lose, spend or run out of! I thought it would be painful to write that $35k check per semester for my oldest. I am actually really proud and happy doing so. I am doing the best I can for my kid. Now, it is up to him to make the best of it.
The rule at our house is simple. We will pay for any college, in any state, as long as the education is better than any college in our state. Why you ask? Because colleges in your home state will cost less, have more academic scholarship opportunities, and will be less of a burden for the family visits and emergencies.
Our oldest did well in high school and received merit dollars at our state U. He also got accepted to a top engineering program in the country. His major is engineering. Decision: pay about $15k a year (just room and board) at state U or $70k at top, private, out of state program? He chose the top program.
I went to a local state U and turned out just fine. I worked hard after college but now I am very comfortable financially. Throughout my career, I do remember not getting the interview several times due to not having a top university on my resume. In my field of Finance, it matters. I do not think for engineering it matters as much. However, as my son moves through his career, he may find the ability to get the interviews easier with his college pedigree.
My advice for those reading is simple.
attend a college you can afford. The $5k annual subsidized federal loan for the student is fine, but anything more is not worth it. So be clear to limit the choices for your kids.
let the kids choose. You want them to be fully engaged. College is hard sometimes and they must have the will to complete it.
help the kids find the right area of study. Make sure they are exposed to different things to help them choose. It is the passion or interest in the program that will make them successful.
We are excited and a bit scarred about the process again for our youngest. He is super smart (like his mother). I am sure everything will turn out just fine. Even though, it is getting more and more competitive.
How do you know…that throughout your career…you did not get several interviews due to not having a top university on your resume? Did they tell you? No sarcasm intended…not my personality…just curious.
I do agree that families should send their children to schools they could afford. I also believe top/strong students can succeed and take advantage of opportunities wherever they land, and graduate with an unbelievable resume that will help them to stand out.
My younger D attends a very strong and well regarded state university…and is having a top notch experience. My older D stayed instate and graduated from a small state school that many have never heard of. She developed a great resume and was accepted to a top grad program in her field…and had a job before graduation.
What doesn’t seem to come up much here is that one is paying for the actual four year experience as well as what happens after school. If one can send a child to a place like Princeton or Williams without loans then why send them to Purdue? Their four years could very well be more inspiring than at a state school with a larger percentage of classmates who challenge them, a more diverse student body, more opportunities in general on campus for growth, etc. It’s just a whole different experience. We aren’t just paying for the job our kids will get after school although, don’t get me wrong, it’s important.
We will be full pay unless our S19 chooses a school where he gets gets merit. About half of his list has merit opportunities but they are all competitive merit and not based solely on gpa or test scores. We will see how it shakes out. We are also comfortable with paying full price because S19 is a good student and hard worker. And he wants to major in math or physics so we think he will be marketable. I’m not sure we would be as willing to pay $70k per year if he wanted to be an English major.
homerdog - a friend’s son was admitted to Princeton but decided on PSU. He wanted to be part of a big vibrant university. He is definitely being challenged, in a diverse community and has plenty of opportunities, especially because he is in the honors program, which at PSU is extremely competitive.
Echoing @Leigh22’s sentiments. There are lots of reasons to select Purdue (or, almost any school) over an elite. My D wanted big sports, which you can’t get at any Ivy or LAC. She does not lack in opportunities, either. To the contrary, she has less competition. And, if your child is not very ‘marketable’ coming out of college, does that mean you will subsidize their entire life? I thought we all preached how it’s the kids’ decisions on this site. How can you let them choose the school, but not their major?
Homerdog…My D graduated #1 from her HS class… and attends a highly regarded state school. She works hard and is challenged academically, has opportunities for class discussions, has a diverse group of friends, very close relationships with professors, amazing opportunities including, but not limited to… presenting at conferences during her first semester, various research positions with a strong likelihood of being published, leadership positions, internships and working with others from nationally recognized institutions, etc.
We are not just paying for a career ( not even sure what that will be)…the experience has been downright awesome.
The college experience is a truly personal one. There is no one size fits all solution. To imply or make generalized statements that one experience is better than the other is wrong. People value different things. To impose your values or judge someone else’s values or choices in the process is wrong.
We would have gladly paid full price for a top-ranked university. Sadly, our son was not accepted to any of those. Finger crossed he will attend a graduate school of a higher ranking. I do agree with what Carolinamom says - it is not wise to impose your values on others.
@homerdog Why? Because the student prefers Purdue. My kid attended a high school with a nationally ranked football team where not only the students, but also the entire city rallies around the football team. She’s an athlete and huge sports fan. There is no way she would have attended a school that doesn’t offer a comparable experience. It’s important to her and doesn’t detract from the fact that she is very bright and talented. Her college fulfills her academic needs and provides the 4 year experience she wants. Her classes are challenging. She is surrounded by rock stars, many of whom turned down elite schools, and others who are rocks stars in ways not reflected in standardized test scores. Her friends are incredibly diverse in many ways. Opportunities on and off campus are incredible. She is fulfilled.
I’d recommend you let your kid make the choice and don’t make it for him. Your desires for his college experience won’t necessarily square with his.
Ok let’s go back to the fact that everyone has their own bias as to what they will pay for. I guess ours (and our son’s) is that we are willing to pay for the difference in the experience for certain schools. S19 couldn’t care less about football, doesn’t want to live in a high rise dorm and then need to find off campus housing for sophomore year, or be in too many large classes. That translates mostly to the liberal arts model so that’s mostly what he’s focused on. That being said, he has not visited his two big well known reaches because we didn’t want him to fall in love. If he gets in and then doesn’t love them upon visiting then he will choose one of the other schools on his list and we are cool with that. I guess I was trying to say that, as parents, we have a limit on the kind of school we would pay $300k for.
I’m mystified how to reconcile these two statements:
“What doesn’t seem to come up much here is that one is paying for the actual four year experience as well as what happens after school.”
“And he wants to major in math or physics so we think he will be marketable. I’m not sure we would be as willing to pay $70k per year if he wanted to be an English major.”
Do English majors not have the same “four year experience” as math/physics majors?