<p>Sounds like momma-three has had a lot of heartache during this past school year. I hope next year is better.</p>
<p>I’m curious to know what the basis is for the OP’s daughter giving her parents a hard time. What does she propose as an alternative?</p>
<p>Our oldest D did a similar thing. We had her move home and work and enroll in CC. We then offered her a reimbursement plan. For every B or above we paid 100% per credit. For every C she paid half and for anything below that she paid for it herself. She ended up owing us half of two classes and we paid for two. She then worked full time. Be careful about getting your child in debt because if she waitresses she can typically make some good money, albeit not exactly a career path when college COULD be an option.</p>
<p>So frustrating and disappointing. I am here only to say how sorry I am. I know the feeling and it isn’t fun.</p>
<p>I agree with oldfort. Same story. Very social D in sorority with me concerned about partying aspect freshman year. She also is too busy with part time student job and heavy course load. Having a part time job has made her more aware of what things cost and how long she has to work in comparison to the cost of something. I also think it definitely has helped her time management skills. When she does have free time, she often chooses sleep over going out.</p>
<p>This time in CC may also help her focus on what she wants to do in the future. Is her current major really something that she’s interested in. I often told my D at that age to try to find her passion because going to work every day is a lot more fun if it’s something you enjoy. Maybe her current major isn’t something she feels passionate about and perhaps that’s partly why she’s not driven to do as well as she could? Just a thought.</p>
<p>Our daughter has always worked in fact she juggled three jobs at one point. She is not social in the sense of having many friends. In fact she is somewhat shy. The partying is more a desire to be social and her role is rather laid back. However, she did alot of the laid back partying which in my opinion is even more immature than if she was so social. I think she wants to be who she is not-a social butterfly. The texts messages are innane (I’ve only seen a few) so I just don’t get alot of this.</p>
<p>We have a family plan and split 1400 minutes between one college D one high school D and two parents. We do have unlimited nights and W/E’s. We give our girls 500 minutes each of the paid minutes and if they go over they will be getting their own phone plan. Even with the unlimited other minutes, I can’t imagine 4000 minutes a month. That is almost 17 hours on the phone A WEEK. That is alot of time. Your daughter is just wasting time. She needs to learn the importance of time, time management, and priorities for her time. Community college and a job, responsibilities and having to pay for her own phone, gas, entertainment expenses will go along way in teaching her priorities.</p>
<p>You are doing the RIGHT thing!!! She will learn, and will thank you one day.</p>
<p>She has already told you by her actions what her decision is about attending this college by not abiding by your rules. SHE has made the decision; you have not and never will. Simply tell her your part in the decision process is to enforce her will by no longer $ her. Doesn’t this make perfect sense?</p>
<p>I just wanted to give my support. I am all in favor of “tough love”. Parents work too hard these days to pay these hefty college tuitions for their children to see college as a paid place to party and have fun. I feel college is a “privledge” and a student should be grateful for the opportunity to obtain an education in a safe and nuturing environment so they can acquire the abilities to have a secure and rewarding life. My children are reminded that not every child has this opportunity. Cell phone and computer abuse is part of that “instant gratification” problem so many youths have fallen victim to. I think making your son or daughter work and paying for these things is the only way some will “get it”. I work way too hard to just throw my money away on foolish behavior. Our children know, we will never “look the other way” and the “good life” will be taken away in a flash if it is abused, mishandled or taken for granted. The choice then becomes theirs. Your daughter may be upset with you, but remember, you are there to be their parent, not their friend. College is hard work and sacrifices have to be made to succeed. But the failures can be just as rewarding if the child can figure out how to learn from their mistakes, use their resources and overcome obstacles to turn it around. Mommy and Daddy won’t always be there with the bandaids to fix everything! Good luck to your Daughter, she is lucky she has parents who have the guts to be tough and point her back in the right direction.</p>
<p>uhh, parents, you can always turn off the text feature…</p>
<p>Well, your decision is made, and I respect that.
But if there is a strained relationship, I wonder what will happen to that relationship now.</p>
<p>When we had one who seemed about to self destruct, we opted not to be the bad guys to preserve the remaining civility. We did not need that child to fill our shared living space with hostility and resentment.
It was our decision to let the institution be the one to kick the child out the door. (We did have a prior agreement with all our children that, if they dropped out or did not continue to progress, they would owe us our cumulative investment).</p>
<p>The degree has been earned and our relationship is lovingly intact.</p>
<p>"Well, your decision is made, and I respect that.
But if there is a strained relationship, I wonder what will happen to that relationship now.
"</p>
<p>There already was a strained relationship because the D was wasting the parents’ money and was not adhering to the terms that the parents set when providing the help for college.</p>
<p>Too many parents are too interested in being buddies to their kids than being parents. The rules the OP set were reasonable, and it’s reasonable for the OP to enforce those rules. Of course, the OP’s D isn’t going to be delighted to be held accountable. Yes, this may temporarily strain their relationship more, but by holding the D accountable, the OP has a better chance of helping the D develop into a responsible adult.</p>
<p>Older S didn’t speak to us for a couple of years (!) after we held him responsible for his partying and other inappropriate behavior while in college and after he dropped out. Yes, it was painful for us to go through this. Even more painful, though, would have been enabling his behavior to continue to self destruct with our help.</p>
<p>While S never returned to college (He’s a very smart person who always hated school, and says he sees no reason for college), once he was forced to support himself, he got a low level temp job in business, and through hard work eventually got promoted to a lower level supervisory position that he takes a lot of pride in. He also is back in touch with us, and has admitted – without prompting – that our behavior toward him was what loving parents do when they want the best for their kids.</p>
<p>Providing financial support for offspring is something that parents can decide to do – and they can select the terms of that support. Getting such support is a privilege, not a right. I personally wouldn’t provide financial support to a kid who was – due to partying – barely managing to stay in college. I’d want my kid to take advantage of the academic aspects of college, too. To me, a college education is about more than just obtaining a degree that’s a ticket to a wider job market.</p>
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<p>With all due respect, these are her parents and they decided to do what a lot of parent’s refuse to–not take the easy way out. So many parents don’t want to be the bad guys and allow their children to go on doing things they know are destructive. Taking that attitude has not done any kid I know a favor.</p>
<p>I’m not sure I’d feel like I had any relationship with my child if I was not doing everything in my power to get them on a good track anyway.</p>
<p>Waiting for the school to kick the child out is usually the worst approach from what I’ve seen. By that point most kids have dug a hole it’s hard to get out of in terms of ever getting into a grad school or transferring.</p>
<p>Good work momma-three. Hopefully your follow through will help your DD get it. Like some of the others, I would not be paying for her phone except with a firm limit on number of minutes. The phone would become a safety tool, not the hub of her social life. And the phone would get taken away the first time she went over. </p>
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<p>I’m having trouble with this one. After three decades in business what I’ve learned is that you can tell a whole lot about business performance by examining discipline and accomplishments in college.</p>
<p>Cool. Just an informal reassurance. My B doesn’t need a job so it’ll probably be all right. 
When kids get off track it sometimes feels so dire, and sometimes it just isn’t as dire as we think it is. I was a fantastic student, straight A’s all the way through, and I’ve been a terriific teacher over the years, as well. But I will never have the skill set my brother has when it comes to people. Just one woman’s experience. Nothing more.</p>
<p>I think you’re doing the right thing. You laid out what the expectations were and what the consequences would be if expectations were not met. Now it’s time to follow through, and as hard as it may be for you (and your daughter), it’s the right thing. It’s better that she grow up now, and learn to appreciate her education, than to flounder and party at her current school when she’s obviously not ready for it. Also, if you don’t follow through with the consequences you laid out, why would your daughter think there would be any consequences next time? I think this is going to hurt you more than it hurts her (isn’t that almost always the case?)</p>
<p>I’ve been accused of being too laid back as a parent but this one is easy. It’s a waste of your money, which it sounds like you don’t have in excess, and your daughter is just wasting her time if she isn’t learning anything. Maybe it is the wrong school for her, some schools have a strong party track and kids who might be fine at another school where it isn’t so prevalent get sucked into it.</p>
<p>Your daughter is a grownup and she has made her choices, now you’re making yours. She is young and she has plenty of time to find her way. I second that you are getting excellent advice on this thread.</p>
<p>I just wanted to tell the OP that she has my support. We are going through something very similar with our D, and it is not fun. My D is trying to find a full-time job now, which is isn’t easy in this economic climate.</p>
<p>The OP has diagnosed the problem and is taking positive actions to correct the problem. Many parents never get beyond diagnosing the problem.</p>
<p>Regarding the cell phone - </p>
<p>I agree with putting limitations on it but bear in mind that she might just substitute IMing for the texting and Skype/Windows Live Messenger or some other VOIP for the voice calls. It probably won’t be quite as convenient but it could be done and she could still have the distractions. And if she has a laptop she could probably do it in class as well (which is what many who bring laptops to class do with them anyway when not cruising the internet or playing a game).</p>
<p>What she really needs to do is accept that she has to mature and control her own actions (cell, laptop, partying, non-studying, etc.) if she wants to continue to receive your financial backing.</p>
<p>Just a personal feeling, but I never like behavioralism in parenting (meaning rewards and punishments). The motivation needs to come from within, if the student is really going to progress emotionally, intellectually and developmentally.</p>
<p>It sounds like the original poster and daughter have come to an agreement. Is that right? This type of situation can be negotiated between parents and child in a way that preserves the rights of the parents, but also the dignity of the kid.</p>
<p>It is possible that a young woman doing that much cell phone calling and texting might have been having some trouble adjusting to being away from home. Perhaps the socializing was also sort of covering up some emotional pain with the transition to college.</p>
<p>I hope for everyone’s sake that CC turns out to be a happy option- not a punishment, but a good option - and that the path becomes clearer as a result.</p>
<p>(I have a daughter who is distractible, social, and hates school…she also dances…she is not going to college next year, by mutual agreement. This also raises the interesting issue of whether they all SHOULD go to college, period. Our daughter is looking into learning Pilates or other body work, and going to dance)</p>
<p>Iam confused
I see that the OP has twin boys at an Ivy and another son at possibly another Ivy, but then there is a daughter as well?
I understand what others are saying- but I have another perspective.
It sounds like the parents are not together on this one.
One parent felt strongly that the child was not ready to go off to college, the other did.
I don’t know what sort of school this was- or what sort of supports are available for new students.
I don’t know what sort of guidelines the parents tried to put in place given that there was indications that going off to college wasn’t the best idea and I don’t know what sort of communication they had with their daughter during the school year.</p>
<p>I don’t think threats work with most kids- not when there aren’t clear identifiable steps to take for success. I don’t feel it is enough with most kids to just say- straighten up or else- not when that is too overwhelming to know where to start.</p>
<p>My gut feeling tells me that the obsession with " partying" and text messaging is a band-aid for dealing with anxiety, depression or some other issue.
I really doubt that the incidence of cell phone use is a dramatic increase from high school- some kids have pay as you go- and some kids have basic phones- ( my daughter didn’t have one till junior year of college!)</p>
<p>My strongest warning signal is going off around the " not on academic probation- but still not maintaining needed GPA for major"</p>
<p>Well- freshmen don’t usually declare a major- that seems unusual- I am aware that science majors can be most successful when they start with the pre-reqs in freshman year- just because there are so many before they can take the upper division classes in the major.</p>
<p>Perhaps she was taking too many classes freshman year- college is a big adjustment and if she is working full time, or even more than 10 or so hours a week, maybe she needs more time.</p>
<p>Perhaps her high school preparation wasn’t all it could have been or perhaps the major/college are not really what she feels she wants and forcing the issue is one way to get out of it?</p>
<p>At some point one need to stop searching for causes and deal with the financial hemorrhage. People have lived without cell phone and colleges for millennia; somehow the species survived. The daughter needs to pay for her own toys, particularly if she is not holding up her side of the social contract. Don’t pay for more college that she clearly is not ready for. And stop paying for phone.</p>