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</p>
<p>amen. </p>
<p>I know 18/19 doesn’t seem very young when you’re that age, but in the grand scheme, but considering I am nearly three times that old now and often feel I still have an entire lifetime ahead of me, it’s true.</p>
<p>Thank you momma-three for the update.</p>
<p>The counseling will take time. First she has to discover what is wrong before she sorts out why she is behaving this way and then she can truly take responsibility for her decisions. The fact that she is taking to counseling is progress in and of itself.</p>
<p>However, the thinking that she is ready to go back in January still seems to be a bit of denial, which is troubling. </p>
<p>With regards to the friendships, bad times are the true test of them. Those that survive will be the ones worthwhile.</p>
<p>Wishing you peace.</p>
<p>Thankyou all for your kind words. I look forward to the day that I can post some trully wonderful news. Since she has been home she has gone through three psychiatrist and two therapist. She has finally connected with her current one. I am so sad for her that she does not have a true “live friend” left. All of her texting is with people she never sees and are not part of her life except for a couple times each year. I dont know why she wants to go back to the school she was attending, when she does not have any friends there. Most of her friends have made it clear that they want nothing to do with her. She has made some poor decisions and she has not yet realized that she needs to make amends. I think once she can forgive herself (rather than put it away like it never existed) she will be able to move on. So many things make sense now, even the way she broke up with the long term boyfriend last semester. It did not make sense to me then and now I understand that it was her way of breaking ties with everyone meaningful in her life. She distanced herself from her three siblings and it seems like no one could break through to get to the real her. I have asked repeatedly if she had been the victim of a sexual assault but she insists that she has not. I know there is more to all of this and my heart hurts for her all the time. I just wish I could send her back to school but I do not believe she is ready or even capable of being away. I really fear as the next two months draw closer that things will get worse rather than better when she understands that we can not send her back. We have been very honest with her all along but she really does not hear us or believe us. I dont know why that is when we have always been very consistent with our kids. It is not easy dealing with this because it is not like other things in life–such as you study hard and see the results in your achievement or you do a good job and you get a promotion or a pay raise. With this, the changes are so minute that you can not see where its all going. We have been through alot as a family-we have a chronically ill son that we nearly lost when he was a young child, this isnt the same kind of horror but it hurts so much because her pain is so deep. </p>
<p>goalidad— The friendships she has lost is a direct result of her actions. Her own hurt has caused her to hurt others. I just hope this therapist will be able to break through. I can not say any more about it but I learned the truth from one of her former friends directly when she was at my house but did not know I was still awake. She spilled the beans so to speak. That was the last time my daughter has talked to any of her friends.</p>
<p>momma-three: she still has you. She is very lucky you are there for her, and she has a safe/supporting place to go to. I am looking forward to a day when you will post some good news about her.</p>
<p>Mommathree-- reading between the lines of what you are saying, I’m getting the impression of what you are talking about. I’m sad for you. I hope you are getting help for yourself, as well.</p>
<p>There is a type of therapy called bioenergetics which is extremely helpful if it is what I think you are talkina bout…I know you are looking into a lot of stuff and getting a lot of help, but you might consider this, as well. Just a thought.</p>
<p>I hope your daughter understands that it is okay to start over in life, that sometimes things happen, and we need time to get over and go through them, but at any age, even 50, it is very, very possible to start over.</p>
<p>Look into whether or not she is actually sleeping. Sometimes nightmares can actually be at the root of the inability to get well…</p>
<p>Good luck to you all. Things will get better over time.</p>
<p>I didn’t read the whole thread (sorry) but I did want to say I really have empathy for what you must be going through, and I admire you for having the strength to do what seems right (I can only imagine it must be hard to do and I’m not sure I could do it, even though I think it IS the right thing to do). </p>
<p>I am a huge fan of picking one’s battles and balancing parenting rules with the high importance of preserving relationships with one’s kids. In this case, I think you are taking the right approach to the balance. It might strain your relationship for awhile (it’s perfectly understandably that she doesn’t like this turn of events), but one can’t be a doormat and cave to their children just for the sole sake of the relationship (especially when doing so is likely to not be in your child’s best interest). I really think what you are doing IS in your child’s best interest. </p>
<p>Good luck to you.</p>
<p>Is she doing well in any of the classes she is taking at CC?</p>
<p>I don’t understand why she would want to return to the other school either. If she isn’t going to do the work (or for whatever reason is unable to do the work), there isn’t a reason to just go back to the other school and start failing classes again.</p>
<p>A long time ago one of my neighbors who had, agreeably, a large brood, said of her children that she knew every stage of childhood and was rather smug about it. Her oldest was 10 at the time. While I probably could have been a lot more PC at the time, my own daughter was in the middle of her first year at college and not talking to us, answering her phone(s), and was 1000 miles away. I told the woman she didn’t have a clue. </p>
<p>I think you are doing the best you can in a really difficult situation. I hope at some point your daughter realizes that you are truly her biggest fan in all things so that she can get things back on track.</p>
<p>Dude, don’t withdraw her–or stop paying for that matter, since you can’t withdraw her…</p>
<p>It’ll cripple her future (most likely)… If she’s really not ready (which it sounds like)… tell her to take a leave of absence for a semester or something and have her doing something that’ll make her grow up…</p>
<p>But honestly, a C wouldn’t hurt her as much as leaving school would—you sound a bit over the top-expect-to much from a kid-which they are kinda type…</p>
<p>So… send her abroad, or have her go to a CC and get a job for a semester or just take night classes @ the college–and make her pay for her own cell phone bill…</p>
<p>Things like this are more likely to help her improve instead of non-negotiating.</p>
<p>Krazy,</p>
<p>You should have read the entire thread first.</p>
<p>Just wondering, OP-- have you had your DD tested for ADHD? (sorry if I missed this in skimming the posts)</p>
<p>I can see my S heading in a similar direction. He’s a HS sophomore now. In elem & middle school his grades were great. He started tanking in 9th grade, so we had him tested THREE times over the course of about 6 months, by 3 different people, for ADHD. Didn’t have it. So we then had him thoroughly tested by a neuropsychologist for learning disorders, and by an independent audiologist for central auditory processing disorder. Fast forward: no auditory processing problem; the psych is changing her diagnosis based on that to ADHD-Inattentive. He’s very disorganized, somewhat unmotivated, and underperforming in relation to his abilities. We are looking into treatment for him.</p>
<p>I can see him going off to college and getting completely swept up into the social scene, skipping classes, not studying, etc. Maybe a gap year would be good for him too.</p>
<p>If you have any doubts I suggest seriously considering the gap year when the time comes, or at least maybe a CC for a year so they can stay in a less distracting environment and still have some supervision. I went to CC first for financial reasons but the maturity I gained before going to a university was really, really important and probably saved me mentally, I don’t think I could have handled this when I was 18. My parents are likely going to have my sister do the same or take a gap year because we know she just isn’t mature enough or mentally prepared enough to handle being on her own, unless she does some major maturing in the next year. If you have strong suspicions he isn’t ready then he probably isn’t, and it’s better to spend some time preparing then to spend some time away at a college moving backwards. Once you screw up it can be really hard to repair the damage.</p>
<p>I am back and once again I hope you can offer some feedback. I will attempt to only provide the facts (even though this is difficult for me). As you know our daughter attended a private university last year and we would not permit her to return as the result of her less than acceptable grades. As I said earlier, her school requires a GPA of 3.0 in three areas…total GPA, major GPA, and core GPA. Our daughters total GPA is a 2.86 with a major GPA of 3.66 and a core GPA of 1.83. To stay in her major at her former school she would need to bring up the GPA in the two areas. She would be a current second year student. She is currently enrolled in CC and if she returned to her university she could transfer every credit she took in the summer and the current fall semester so she would be returning to basically take the classes that she would have remaining to get her GPA up and remain in her major for the following semester. I am not absolutely sure but I think she may need another semester at her private school in order to successfully enter the major, keep in mind that she already has taken a few courses in this major but is not considered until she passes through the portal (all requirements compleated).
As for remaining at the CC–she would need an additional 3 semesters to complete an associates degree because they did not take many of her credits from her former school (either because they were in her major or they did not have similar classes or because they do not fit in the catogories for the associates degree.) She would need to fulfill the foreign language requirement of 4 semesters of language (can take one in the winter,one next semester, one in the summer and the last one in the spring). If she returned to her former school she would have 2cd year 2cd semester standing but not necessarily on track to graduate on time or even a garantee for admission into her major.</p>
<p>Once again we are at the time when we must decide what is in our daughters best interest. She is under a doctors care and is on medication for depression and anxiety and we are seeing the change in her attitude and general well being…thank G-D. However there are very few of her peers in our town (all away at college) and the remaining kids are not the kids she would have ever hung around with as a highschool student. Therefore her social life is rather bleak. There is one friend that is away and comes back home usually every other week and takes her out (not romantic). She is working about 15 to 19 hours a week and is taking 12 credits at the CC. She needed to drop a 3 credit class early on because the work load was more than she could handle at the beginning of the semester. Here is what I am seeing: daughter has turned the corner emotionally and the sun is starting to shine again but husband and I are concerned that if she returns to her former school where she has made some “enemies” she may be back to where she started. I could be wrong and she may be able to handle things better now that her depression/anxiety are being treated but we do not know if she is strong enough. It has only been the last couple of weeks that we see the change. I also don’t know if she is putting on a big show so that we will send her back. It is difficult to have a positive outlook as to the future because the change in her has not been substantiated. The other realization that we have come to is that our daughter is not a super achiever and she has short term memory problems as well as some type of undisclosed learning disability. She can handle 12 credits but it is equivalent to another student taking 18 credits. She is not a student who loves learning however she loves the idea of being college educated. I know that sounds rediculus but it is the best way of describing her. She does not want to go through life as the woman without a college degree…she has said this clearly. Our other observation since she has been home is that she has difficulty navigating things such as e-mails to professors, office hours,making doctor appointments, and other things necessary to be on ones own in a college environment. She gets easily distracted by her phone and it still does not leave her side, even if she has an exam the next day. I feel like we are seeing progress but is it enough to send her back…that I don’t know. I also don’t know if she is unlike the majority of the students that are out there. We have the good fortune of having three other very high achievers and I just dont know if we have lost persceptive on what may be normal. I would also include that we have never had an ounce of trouble with our other three, regarding anything academic, social or moral. We recognize that it must have been difficult having three brothers who have been very successful in their academic careers when she has not experienced the same level of accomplishment, but all we wanted for her was to go to school and do her best. To refresh your memory, she partied alot last year from Thursday night through Saturday morning and slept away most of Sunday. As you could tell I am feeling very ambivolent about this situation. I don’t know if another year at home is going to give her the skills she needs to succeed away at college or am I just fooling myself into thinking that I can still make a difference in her life and the decisions she makes. (remember we have learned of some behaviors that go compeatly against our values)
You have provided some wonderful insight before and your suggestions were extremely valuble. What is your feeling about this situation right now? Is it too soon to send her back or are we making a mistake by keeping her at home. By keeping her at home we are protecting her from failure but should we being that?</p>
<p>Hugs to you. What great progress in a short period of time.</p>
<p>What does the therapist say about returning to school?</p>
<p>It sounds to me like another semester at home is a great option for all of you. She’s taking an academic load that she can handle; she’s got enough structure around her week to get her up in the mornings, seeing her doctor and taking her meds, etc.</p>
<p>Why the rush to send her back?</p>
<p>I agree with blossom.</p>
<p>Thankyou blossom----she feels like we are prolonging her eventual return, and we are actually hoping that if she stays home than maybe she will see for herself that transferring to a state local college maybe the way she can actually achieve her goal. I think she may always be at risk of not graduating college if she goes away.</p>
<p>I agree with waiting one more semester. It gives you even longer to help her one on one without the distance factor. Returning in the fall gives her an opportunity to start fresh and bond with the incoming group of kids (if she returns to her original school). If she does well at the CC you will have leverage with the previous school if she returns and/or enhance her GPA which is not horrible but would give more options at a different school if abit higher. She may not complete college or she might, none of us know that with certainty when we send our kids away, but the year off gives her the Gap year (you suspected she needed originally) and gives her a year to grow up abit more.</p>
<p>It also will be important to see what grades she gets at her CC and how well she can handle her academics while living at home and without your helping her structure her time, etc. Not sure how much you’re helping her with her academics – including making sure she attends class-- but before sending her back to college, make sure that she has demonstrated the ability to handle her academics and life in general without your support.</p>
<p>Going back to school means switching therapists, yes?</p>
<p>To me that’s more of a hurdle than worrying about how many credits will transfer. If your D is on a regimen which is helping the depression, eliminating some of the self-destructive behaviors, and making progress on regaining her mental health, I’d try to find a kind and loving way to communicate to her that this is a more meaningful metric to you than her grades or her credits.</p>
<p>So what if it takes her an extra year to graduate from college, but she’s a healthy and mature 23 year old when it does happen? If she’s starting to recognize her own limitations (organizational, conceptual, executive functioning, however it is manifesting itself) but is determined to get a degree that’s beyond fantastic- but supporting her may mean getting her to slow down before she revs up again.</p>
<p>Do her brothers have any insights??? And is there some sort of social network she can tap into (volunteer work? church group?) to replace the friends she’s left behind at college?</p>
<p>I think this is fantastic news for her that you’re all even able to talk about her going back. But I wouldn’t be in a hurry to switch therapists now that there’s progress.</p>
<p>I see different issues here. Foremost is the psychological one. I agree with others that there should be no rush going back to school; she needs to continue her therapy and to acquire the maturity and self-discipline to succeed on her own away from home.
But I also see some academic issues. In her major, she had a 3.66 GPA. It was the core that dragged her total GPA down to less than 3. A 3.66 GPA is very respectable. Maybe she chose the wrong courses in the core, maybe the core requirements are not a good fit for her. It is something to consider as you and she weighs whether to return to her college or transfer to another one.</p>