<p>Well it makes sense to take a simple sheet of paper and draw a line down the middle. As far as splitting up the material items in the home, I don't believe that it pays to spend $300/hour (give or take a few dollars). You can spend $300/hour just arguing about a 10 year old couch, or who gets the 15 year old treadmill. In my mind this is the easier part, unless a couple is at each other throats. The tougher part, in my opinion, are the finances (house, retirement plan, any savings and investments, etc.). I just cross posted with blossom, and I agree 100%! You need an attorney! For the small stuff like arguing about the treadmill, you and your husband can probably make a list, but again, that's the small stuff. It is the finances that is the major deal!</p>
<p>Wow, he took the pictures...oh my gosh...absolutely yes, get an attorney, even if you attempt mediation you will need the advice that an established divorce attorney can impart right up front. If it were me, I'd hire the attorney and then drag my feet on any kind of discussions of college financial support until I had the actual financial aid offers in writing in hand which should be not too long now. Stuff in writing carries more weight than supposing what those financial aid offers might be. I didn't mean to be alarmist about our friends and the potholders, but you may see a side of your husband you really haven't seen before so you need to be clear in your head what's important to you even if you don't articulate that to anyone but your attorney.</p>
<p>It is much better to go into a mediation with an idea of what the base line is. For example, it used to be--and I think it still is--the rule that almost every judge in NY State would require a father to contribute to the level of tuition, room, and board at a state school. If there are "special circumstances" the judge will require more $ to pay for a more expensive option. For example, if a kid really were at the Julliard level for music, it MIGHT be possible to convince a judge that that was a special circumstance. (How much dad has to pay depends upon things like how much dad earns, how much mom earns, amount that is in a college savings account, etc.) </p>
<p>In any event, IF that's still the norm in NY State, you are a SAHM and your H earns a good living, it makes little sense to accept an offer of in-state tuition, r &B, because that's likely to be the worst you'd do if you litigate. Your H undoubtedly knows what is likely to happen if your case is litigated. You need to level the playing field by at least finding out what is LIKELY to happen. To do that, you need an attorney's advice. </p>
<p>Good luck!</p>
<p>First, my thoughts are with you and your family. Cudoos to you to be able to think clearly about these issues with all the emotional aspects you and your children need to deal with. </p>
<p>I can't emphasize enough the importance of a good lawyer. It is the unfortunate truth in NY that even with a court document ordering him to pay, there are games played and delays in payment (even with wage garnishment.) Many parents in NY have judgements against their exes, but are unable to collect the cash from them. My strong advice would be to get whatever you can towards college up front to avoid issues like that.</p>
<p>And to echoe GC's point... a dead man has no wages to garnish. (not to be vulgar or cruel but you get my point). Your lawyer will help structure a divorce which protects your college-aged children even in the event of dad's demise. Every ex-wife in America thought her kids were the beneficiaries of the ex-husband's life insurance until she learned about the GF, the GF's kids, "a special friend" of either gender, etc.</p>
<p>You deserve much support for being clear-headed about the finances before you start throwing vases and frying pans at his head. Keep up the good work. Your children need you to be thinking in a long term fashion for their furutre.</p>
<p>DISCLAIMER: The following is a quote from a website on the Internet. I am not intending to give legal advice and (1) do not represent that the quoted material is an accurate statement of the law of any jurisdiction and (2) suggest that a person retain competent legal counsel to advise them on these issues.</p>
<p>
[quote]
The following states have specific statutes or case law that give courts the authority to order college support in some form: Alabama, the District of Columbia, Georgia, Hawaii, Illinois, Indiana, Iowa, Massachusetts, Michigan, Missouri, Mississippi, Montana, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New York, North Dakota, Oregon, Rhode Island, South Carolina, Utah, West Virginia and Washington.
[/quote]
</p>
<p>Mediation (with each having seperate counsel) could be (1) less expensive to both parties and (2) avoid some of the anger that may poison the ex-spouse's ability to work towards the best interests of the children after the divorce.</p>
<p>Thank you guys!!! OK I hired the lawyer, know what assets we have, working on the net worth statement, have appontment next week for a 4 way????(divorce talk for meeting with H, 2 attorneys, and me.) </p>
<p>Now he tells me his salary has been reduced by 50%!!!! (He signed a new contract for 1 year!!(How convenient) </p>
<p>I'm working on letters to financial aid to the 2 colleges where we have received FA awards. </p>
<p>He withdrew everything from checking/savings acct.(How do I make one of those sad faces?)</p>
<p>Checked his cell. 26 calls a day from an unknown female. 13 years younger! Searched online for her address. Guess I'm starting to get the picture.</p>
<p>In answer to your questions:
I am not currently working. Lawyer says this is not the time to find a job.
Most colleges applied to require css, 3 do not. Haven't received decision yet from the top college that does not require css.
Looks like he CANCELLED LIFE INSURANCE policy. Can they make him reinstate it?
His lawyer costs $600.00 hour!!!Thats almost $900.00 an hour every time we talk!!!
I'm depressed. My kids have worked so hard to go to college, now this! Thank you for your support.</p>
<p>so sorry you have to go through this applicantmum. stay strong...</p>
<p>So sorry for your loss AND hassle. Take care of yourself, this will likely need endurance!</p>
<p>And how are the kids? The line between protecting them and their need to know must be blurry right now. </p>
<p>Besides lawyer ... school counselor needs to know. and councelor/divorce support group for you?</p>
<p>cyber hug {{{h}}}</p>
<p>applicantmum, I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. Are you the owner of his life insurance policy? If so, how can he cancel it? How long ago was this? I would think that there is a grace period. Have you discussed this with your attorney? Can your attorney do anything with the bank records for you? I am also going to send a PM to you.</p>
<p>Show the letters to your attorney before you send them or at least ask if there is any reason why you shouldn't do this.</p>
<p>I am sorry for your situation. Please know that the only side I am taking is with the kids.</p>
<p>OK, am I missing a piece of the puzzle here. Are you two not in agreement of what you are willing to do for your daughter's college education. All I have been reading here is "protect yourself, put the screws on him, hire a lawyer..." What about your daughter? And when I say your, I am speaking in the plural sense; both mom and dad. Was there disagreement on what to do in terms of financing her education? </p>
<p>Perhaps, it is the daughter that should hire the lawyer and make certain that her future comes first. Too many things can happen when each party is looking to win rather than do the right thing. It is usually the innocent that come out on the short end. In the end, the lawyers are the only ones that ever win anyway, the rest of the parties just compromise. Both parents should think of the children first; then they can worry how to deal with each other. </p>
<p>My prayers go out to your family for a civil and respectful conclusion to your situation.</p>
<p>Dealing with the kids is difficult. Part of me thinks they are old enough to know the truth and part of me still wants to protect them from all of this. I can talk honestly with my junior in college. She has lost all respect for her Dad. Told her to keep the peace with him so she can finish her last year of college. My senior in HS is more neutral. She has a big heart and I have to be careful what I say in front of her. She is also in the middle of it all, living at home. She is more unaware of the financial realities of divorce. I haven't addressed with her how this might affect her college choice.</p>
<p>I called GC to get his opinion on the letters I wrote to FA. Haven't heard back yet. </p>
<p>northeastmom, not sure what you mean by owner. They were term policies. I was the beneficary. If he died today the kids and I would be penniless. I put that on the lawyer list. I told him about the accounts. Next week should be interesting.</p>
<p>A term policy is has an insured party, and an owner of the policy. Do you have the policy. If you look at it, it will say "insured" (this is your husband), and "owner" (hopefully that is you). If you do not know how to straighten this out, I think this is well worth an immediate phone call to your attorney. Perhaps it can be reinstated, with any luck??</p>
<p>Also, doesn't your husband care to protect your (meaning his and your) children until they are self sufficient? He has a stake in keeping that policy for their sake as well. We have shown our children our life insurance policies in the event that we die, so that they know that they will be taken care of. We have only shown this to them recently because we feel that they are now old enough to have this information without fearing our untimely death, or imagining who knows what!</p>
<p>atg4ever - if you read the whole thread the divorce is something that has just come up and appears to have caught applicantmum by surprise. Her daughter is right in the middle of college applications and acceptances and suddenly everything has changed which is what applicantmum posted wanting advice on. I don't really read anyone saying put the screws on him - just that she needs to look after her financial health as well as try and figure out the best way to help her daughter. Kind of like when they give the oxygen spiel on airplanes - you put on your oxygen mask before helping the person depending on you because if you drop dead from lack of oxygen you're not going to be able to help them at all.</p>
<p>Swimscatmom, You said that so much better than I could right now. Too much on my mind. Thanks</p>
<p>applicantmum77, while this is just from wikipedia, I think it might be helpful to you to read through it so you get some idea of what to expect, especially regarding child support:</p>
<p>New</a> York divorce law - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia</p>
<p>Look especially at the external links at the bottom. </p>
<p>Hang in there!</p>
<p>applicantmum, I am sending you a PM.</p>
<p>OP- my heart goes out to you. Hang tough. You are not the first woman to be shocked by how much a divorce lawyer costs but I hate to tell you the price you will pay in not having adequate representation. If the two of you can achieve common ground in the next few weeks, much of the mundane, "who gets the tupperware" conversations can be achieved through mediation; if you never get to common ground, it is true that you can wipe through every cent you own arguing about some ugly vase that his great aunt gave you as a wedding present.</p>
<p>But back to the present.... my humble suggestion is not to differentiate between your kids in terms of what to tell them and how much. Don't assume that your college kid is more mature in what she can handle; don't assume your HS kid can't handle the truth. You need to develop one "story line" which you use consistently with both of them, whether he's acting like a good guy or acting like a total jerk. He's their father regardless, and I'm sorry to say that if they have a relationship with him 10 years from now, it will largely be due to your generosity in how you handle discussions about him from here on in. Right now that might not seem like a big deal... vengeance is so much sweeter.... but you will come to regret his not being at their weddings or the christenings of their babies, or whatever. Even if he's a louse. Even if he tries to shirk his parental duty. Even if he tries to blame you for the meltdown of the marriage.</p>
<p>So- be pragmatic. Call the cellphone company (I assume the account is in both of your names?) and get a printout of the calls in and outbound to his line for the last year. You may be able to get it online and just print it (I know I can) but your provider may need to send it to you. The customer service rep will probably tell you they need a subpeona... but they don't, the line is in your name, you pay the bill, the phone is yours, etc. Stick the printout in that safe deposit box you rented earlier in the week (see? I'm not so crazy as I'm sure I sounded to you....)</p>
<p>Second, I know that from where you sit right this second getting your daughters FA and tuition sorted out for next year is your A priority, but again, don't be short-sighted. Your H's lawyer for sure will pick up on that to your very significant disadvantage. I know it's hard for a mom, but you need to remind yourself that assets are neutral.... money is fungible.... I don't want to describe to you the situations I've seen where women have ascribed emotional elements to assets that just don't exist. Always to the financial detriment of their children.... 100% of the time.</p>
<p>If you have 100 shares of Walmart held in a joint account, it's not hard to see that when you sell the Walmart you'll each get half the proceeds. It's harder to see that getting a commitment from him to "pay tuition" or "do my fair share" or "do right by the kids" is likely to lead to you getting less than half of the Walmart shares. Do you see??? Claiming that his income has gone down (and being able to prove it! What a guy!) is the oldest trick in the book; cancelling his insurance policy is the second oldest. If he's borrowed from his IRA or 401K to finance a good time with his cellphone pal without you realizing the money is gone... well that's the third oldest trick in the book.</p>
<p>I'm sure that deep down he's a good person but he's acting like a creep right now. Who leaves their minor children with no life insurance??? A creep. So you need to gird yourself, and you also need to forget about college for a couple of weeks. The truth is that there is no FA office which won't take your call in a month; don't signal to your husband that you are prepared to take less than what is legally yours in exchange for him agreeing to pay your daughter's tuition. There are many ways to finance college; there are not many ways for a middle aged woman (I don't know how old you are but I'm guessing 48-55) to regain her previous lifestyle after a divorce. </p>
<p>In the long run, the greatest gift (financially) you can give your kids is NOT being dependent on them when you are old. Kids take out loans; kids work; there are lots of ways you guys will be able to make college happen even if you have to do it without your ex's help. But there will be no solutions if you give up your longterm financial security now in exchange for tuition; needing your kids to support you (or just supplement your social security to keep a roof over your head) because you've bargained away your retirement is a really bad deal for everyone.</p>
<p>Do you like your lawyer????? Asks good questions?</p>
<p>Cyber hugs to you.</p>
<p>If he has emptied the joint bank accounts, cancelled the life insurance, and "agreed" to a 50% reduction in salary, he is NOT acting in good faith. So you have to pull all stops to protect yourself -- and your lawyer needs to go into court to get a restraining order ASAP. (As far as the 50% salary reduction goes, he has probably arranged for an off-the-books transaction -- it may even be illegal/fraudulent ... the kind of thing IRS would not look kindly on, etc.)</p>
<p>Anyway, the most important thing you can do right now is work with your lawyer to protect yourself and whatever assets you still have control over. Your husband's actions so far are simply inexcusable.</p>