Divorced Parents Divided on Boarding Decision - Dad Still Owes Former School

Prep School Admissions
1

<p>I don't know where to turn on this issue and this seems a good place so I'm hopeful someone out there can provide some answers, insights, co-miseration... anything. I feel so alone.</p>

<p>Background: My son's father and I have been divorced about 4 years. We have one son, who attended at private day school in our community through 8th grade (K-8 school). In fall of this year, at my insistence, our son transitioned to one of the local public high schools, where he is currently still in his freshman year. We live in an affluent community and the public schools are very good. However, it's been a rocky transition from small private to a 1200 student public high school. His grades are still very good (4.1 GPA) but he feels he doesn't fit in, that it's not cool to be smart and that the teachers don't care as much and the students who truly care are but few. </p>

<p>I realize that at this age, lots of things "suck" (pardon the language) and hormones are raging and such, and that on top of experiencing the joys of puberty, the kid has to undergo a major change like a private to public transition. </p>

<p>Meanwhile, over the years, his father and I have been polar opposites on what to do about high school. His father boarded at an all male school, and he wants this experience for our son. Over the years, his dad and that side of my son's family has been consistent with the messages that public schools are terrible (I know there are drawbacks but I have refrained from openly bad mouthing the public system because I believe in it so strongly and wanted my son to have a good attitide about public whether or not he ended up there). At the same time, they have been like waves pounding the sand plugging the boarding school where they'd like my/our son to go. Thus, my son has always had a dreamy-eyed fascination with this school. He attended 3-week summer camps there several years ago for a couple summers in a row and had a total blast. And that was great - fully on board with his having those experiences. </p>

<p>For the record: I don't have anything against boarding schools, but for my own reasons, which I won't go into much detail about, I have remained adamant that our child remain at home during the high school years and get the benefit of being around family/friends/community while also getting a very good (not "amazing, but definitely very good) education at our local school. We live near Washington DC and frequent museums, we travel and do cool stuff, have lots of shared interests, etc. It's not like we live in a rural setting with no access to great culture or art or sports, nor do we live in an inner city situation with sketchy public schools. We're in the fastest growing county in the nation with tons of resources. Anyway, I have never disagreed that the boarding school my ex wants our son to attend has excellent academics. Again - lots of additional reasons I don't think are truly relevant to the issue I need some help on.... which is:</p>

<p>I found out several weeks ago that my son, during his visits to his dad's every other weekend, had taken the SSAT, completed the boarding school application, gone on the school overnight visit and shadow day and completed the required interview... it only came to light after the fact when something sounded weird in conversation and I had to pry to get the truth! His dad said he intended to tell me, but he just couldn't find the time to call. Son said he was waiting for dad to talk to me... either way, all of this happened 100% without my knowledge or involvement. It was a kick in the gut, to be frank. Maybe it doesn't sound like a big deal to most people, maybe I'm just sensitive, but I was hurt. </p>

<p>Son admitted that he likes his current school fine, but feels he'll reach his full potential at the boarding school. He feels there are more opportunities for him to excel at sports and make friends. I countered that, had he made a better effort to invest himself at current school, instead of being afraid to get involved because of the potential criticisms and lack of approval from dad and dad's side of the family - he'd be having a great time at the current school, too. It boils down to his father's influence over him and his desire to make dad happy and meet with approval - and besides, isnt' the boarding school like the Disney Land his dad has made it out to be? </p>

<p>ANYWAY, if you are still with me, God bless you. Here's the remaining piece: My ex is a walking financial disaster. He has never paid me what the court ordered in our divorce, is in major arrears with child support, and still owes my son's former private school a significant back amount of tuition. I am afraid they may even have to sue him for it. They wouldn't release our son's transcripts to us and only when his current guidance dept continued to call out of need to veryify some of his grades... I honestly don't know how complete a transcript the boarding school has because of this. </p>

<p>I know these schools have generous grant programs and such, but I am so concerned that if my son is accepted, my ex will continue his financial antics and our son will be embarrassed by it somehow - outstanding balances, etc. Will the admissions staff have access to my ex's credit history? If so, their eye balls might pop out - the state has reported his failure to pay child support to the credit reporting agencies, and I am aware of other major dings and liens and such. Also, will they have reason to find out about the huge balance he still owes the former school? If so, would this red-flag my son's application? </p>

<p>At this point, it is apparent that I've probably "lost" the battle for public school. It is a shame, in my opinion. But, it is what it is. I can cope with my son being at boarding school - that has never been the issue. But while we are sitting here waiting on the admissions decision to arrive, I just don't know what I can truly expect. My ex puts on a good front for the world, and I'm sure during their visit, he made a great impression - he even knows some of the faculty. I just want the very very best for my son and don't want his dad's influence and disastrous finanical management to adversely affect our son in his new world of boarding school, should he make the cut. </p>

<p>Any advice or observation is welcome. I'm a nervous wreck over all of this. </p>

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<p>If his Dad can’t pay for the school due to financial issues, how is he expecting to have your son attend? Is he relying on financial aid or is he expecting you to pay too? Are you able to pay? This really sounds like a major financial issue for your family. I would hate to have your son’s hopes up if you are not able to afford the school. What will this do to his chances to afford college afterwards? Is there college savings put aside yet? </p>

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<p>Everything else you said seems irrelevant if your family cannot afford this school. How much would you be expected to pay? Are you willing to pay even that, much less your husband’s share when he isn’t able to come up with the money? Are these expenses going to restrict his choice of colleges?</p>

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<p>Perhaps you should simply share your concerns with the school in question….</p>

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<p>Financially, this doesn’t seem workable. If your son is admitted and the school hasn’t found out about the existing financial issues, you’re going to have to bring them up or at least take measures that you’re protected.</p>

<p>In the case of divorced parents, both parents are required to contribute to the cost of education (unless one is not involved in the child’s life, which isn’t the case here). To get financial aid, both parents usually have to go through the full financial aid application process separately. It sounds as if you haven’t done this, so your son is unlikely to get any aid.</p>

<p>Even if together you don’t qualify for financial aid, if one parent’s income is much greater than the other, going through the process can allow the school to determine how much of the cost each parent is expected to contribute. Since you haven’t done this, you need to make sure you won’t be liable for the full amount if your ex doesn’t pay his share. I’m not sure what this would involve, but you will be likely both be required to sign the enrollment contract, so you would need to discuss this with the school before signing.</p>

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<p>This does all seem to boil down to finances, on some level. I don’t think it sounds like your son applied for any financial aid-- or you would have been required to fill out the FA forms, as well as your ex. That means either you will have to pay, or he will-- and it sounds like either he can’t or that you think he won’t. If you can’t (or don’t plan to), it seems like at the very least you need to sit down and talk to your son. If no one’s paying, and no one applied for FA, he’s just not going to be able to go. He’s old enough to understand this. It seems better to lay this out now, rather than have him severely disappointed if he gets in but can’t go. You can ask your ex, of course, what the plan is for tuition-- but it sounds like even if he says he’ll pay, you don’t believe it. If he DOES say he’ll pay, and you don’t believe it, you do need to talk to the school if your son gets in and you can’t afford the tuition yourself. You don’t want to be in a position where you’re liable for tuition if you can’t afford it.</p>

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<p>Everyone - thank you for the responses and your candor. Since none of this occurred with my knowledge or involvement, I am just now trying to figure out how to handle things here. Yes, my big concerns boil down to finances and acceptance. First - no, I am not on my own able to pay full tuition. And I am not sure if the FA process has been initiated by my ex. I think the deadline passed for that. So it is doubtful my son would get aid next year if he’s accepted. </p>

<p>Together, we both make plenty of $$, but the court ordered Dad to pay any private school tuition costs. I am planning for college expenses. Ex gives the world the impression that he’s doing well -drives a nice car, lives in a gated community, private golf membership, etc. but the reality is he is broke. I have mentioned a couple of times to my son that finances are an issue, so he is aware of it but still so hopeful. Honestly think the whole issue is more tied to ex’s status consciousness and is not as much about my son’s academic career. Really tough situation here. </p>

<p>Photodad - thanks for the specific info on what’s required of both parents, however, our divorce papers state clearly that any private school tuition is Dad’s responsibility. It’s not that I wouldn’t contribute, but I am just getting my head around all this at the moment - it really threw me. So yes, if he’s accepted, I guess I would see what I could comfortably contribute but am afraid I’d be holding the bag when the ex pulls his signature move of not paying any bills. </p>

<p>Other main question - will the school son applied to find out from previous private school that my ex owes them a ton of money? If the case is that my ex has applied for aid, would the school get the full info on my ex’s financial mess? </p>

<p>Even though not sharing names or personal info, this is so embarrassing! You can probably guess the main factors that lead to divorce in the first place. I just don’t want my ex’s irresponsibility to hurt my son any more than it may already have.</p>

<p>Thanks again all. Good advice. </p>

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<p>Is your son only applying to one school? You know, in about two weeks, you will know if he’s admitted and how much of financial aid or scholarship he’s getting. Depending on the outcomes, that’s when you should start really worrying about these things, or simply forget about it for at least another year. I can feel your pain, but maybe coming M10, boarding school is just not even an option on the table.</p>

<p>As for the financial aid application process, I don’t think the school will run or request the parents’ credit report. Tax return and income proof are really the main things they ask from the families. </p>

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<p>Benley - thanks. Yes, my son only applied to that one school. You’re right - why worry over something that may not even come to pass. I understand that around 400 apply to this school and only about 160 are accepted and of those, only about 90 end up panning out for all the various reasons. </p>

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<p>Well, an admit rate of 40% is pretty high actually. If his father is going to make the commitment to the school that he’ll pay all or most of the tuition, then his chance of getting admitted is high. Here’s an idea and I am sorry if this sounds like I’m teaching you how to sabotage your son’s BS dream. You may call the school and let them know your situation. Schools would hesitate to introduce someone into their community sensing their parents are not on both on board with the plan, let alone the “financial mess” they may get into.</p>

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<p>Oh gosh, I feel for you. The first part of your situation is similar to mine. My child is also in 9th grade at a public high school after being in private school for K-8. It is also a very large school of 1800 students; however it is not as academically challenging as your school. My child is seeing poverty, drugs, drinking, students and teachers not caring, constant texting and twitter, etc. etc. Like yourself, I say it is cool to be smart, you can do this, take only honors and AP’s. Remembering back when I was in high school I know there must be students who care and are still “popular” but they seem to be few and far between at my childs school. I think your son is right; most teachers do not care as they have been worn down by the public school system and the students who care are few. Puberty and the pressure to fit in is a factor. We are also applying to boarding school for next year. However, back to your situation. Have you considered that perhaps your son sees boarding school as a constant in his life; its hard for kids to be with mom one weekend then dad the next. Constantly packing clothes, being away from friends (unless you are in the same town), not having your “stuff” all the time, hearing disagreements between parents, etc. Maybe he sees BS as one solution. I also bet that your ex-husband figures you will come up with the tuition especially since you say you make plenty of money. Hoping for a good outcome for you. You seem like a good mother.</p>

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<p>I know that I’m only a ninth grader and that I haven’t experienced what everyone else here has, but I think that you should take into account the best interests of you son and what he wants. I know that I’m about say some really naive things, but I think that if your son is fortunate enough to be accepted into one of those schools, you should be willing to help your ex pay, as long as he pays part of it as well. Even in my school, which says that it’s one of the best in my state, the number of kids and teachers who care about learning and want to do more than pass a class are outnumbered by the kids who come to school to socialize and have fun. Every BS I’ve heard of has great academics and offers more than any public opportunities. If your son really wants to go there, and not just to please his dad, and if both of you (you and your son) discuss his interests and come to the conclusion that it’s in his best interests to go to a BS, I think that you should help your ex pay for that school’s expenses, especially since you say that you make plenty of $$ and because he’s facing financial troubles, even if they’re his fault, although it does sound a bit like the divorce hit him hard. Please forgive my naivety, but those are just my two cents. </p>

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<p>Benley - I did actually think of calling the admissions office, but hesitate because when the rejection letter comes, I’ll forever have it on my conscious, and wonder if it was my call or if my son just didn’t make it for other reasons. Still pondering that. Buddysmom - thanks for your thoughts. No, our school doesn’t seem to be as “bad” as your sons but I know that my son sees some of the same things. Texting in class, smelling pot in the bathroom a couple times, etc. As for how he sees boarding - no, I don’t think it has to do with his home life. I am remarried and he and his stepdad have a great relationship. His dad lives closeby and our lives are really uncomplicated, to be honest. His dad and I never fought in front of him when we were married and never have words now. We disagree, but we never spar or get nasty. So, I don’t think my son is trying to get away from anything. He’s got a pretty nice life, to be honest. I hope you guys find a good school for your son. I know the academics aren’t as rigorous at public, but with AP and lots of clubs and sports, I think a good student can still do very well. Our school graduates kids who have gone to Yale and Harvard last year, a good number go to William and Mary and UVA and other good state schools. My son has his sights set high on college and I have no doubt he can get there via this school. Thanks for your comments!</p>

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<p>Oh yeah Benley - he said that during the interview, the AO asked if his mom was on board. He said that he told the interviewer that he is “working” on mom. So, maybe they did note in his file that perhaps both parents weren’t on the same page. I don’t know, just guessing. </p>

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<p>sincostan - no need for forgiveness. Thank you for weighing in. I do want what’s in my son’s best interests and I do think he wants to go to BS for his own reasons. Again, I’m not against BS. But at 48K/year, I will spend every dime of his college money even if we do get some kind of grant. There are a lot of considerations. But I do appreciate your perspective and thanks for sharing it.</p>

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<p>Although I think it’s true that a good student can do well at any school, Boarding school offers different opportunities. I think that more than just the academics. It’s the experience that counts. That’s one reason, along with academics and extracurricular opportunities, that I’m applying. But once again, I think that you should talk to your son and put is best interests above anything else. </p>

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<p>@golfmomva: for the record, my child went to a BS, had a great experience and is attending a HYP school, so to me BS is a “no-brained”. However, from what I’ve heard from you so far, I sense that the road to the BS for you son will be a tough one and of wouldn’t get any easier if he got in, given where you and your ex are in how you see BS. To the best interests of you son, either get onboard with the BS idea and support your son’s effort 100%, or take actions and pull the plug now. It would be a greater pain for you son if you fight over whether he should go when he has the offer of admission, or worse you have to pull him out after he’s there because of financial or other reasons.</p>

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<p>What I find most disturbing about the OP is that father and son were doing things behind mom’s back. </p>

<p>I can’t offer much advice, but you have my sympathies.</p>

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<p>Like sincostan, I know I won’t be much help, but I can give some insight. Well, seeing as I’m in the general area of you, I can weigh in on the public school side of things. Although I go to a private day school in the DC area, I have many friends that go to public schools. And believe me, those schools are not bad schools at all. However I can imagine it is hard to find a voice in an environment with so many kids, especially coming from a private school. Going from a small class to a large class is extremely difficult. However, it is easy to admit that most boarding/private schools give a completely different ‘vibe’ if you will, and I’m sure your son yearns for that possibly? Instead of putting words inside his mouth, I encourage for you to sit him down and have a serious talk, explaining everything. Sure, it might be a bit heavy but he needs to know everything. If he seems uninterested, it’s normal. What freshman wants to listen to something like that? But in reality, he needs to hear it. And to be harshly honest, the public schools in the DC area cater to many different ‘groups’ of people. My friend’s have been exposed to all sorts of things, and coming from the perspective of a private school student, it was shockingly different. The facilities are great, the teachers are great, but it’s the overall environment and feel. </p>

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<p>One other thought–you indicate your in-laws are on board with this. Might they be planning to contribute? Is you husband able to fall back on them (has he in the past)? Perhaps he’s worked out the financing with his parents as contributors or safety net? Perhaps there’s a “benefactress aunt” in the picture you aren’t aware of?</p>