My son is suffering from pretty substantial anxiety. We chat maybe once a week and he’s obviously misleading me about everything (I simply play along as I assume it’s a defense mechanism). I don’t think he’s making friends. I believe he’s detaching from school. His progress report indicates he’s barely attending class and his grades are subpar. He refuses to attend health services, “they can’t help me.”
The health services counselor told me, “Well, maybe just tell him he can come home or could transfer somewhere else.” Is this a psych tactic I missed during my minor or would the college love to give his seat to someone without his recent “baggage”?
First of all, hugs to you. This has got to be tough.
in the case of the counselor, she may simply be saying that if he won’t visit the office there…and if things seem to be taking a turn for the worse…that perhaps a bigger change is needed…
I think it is to take the pressure off him. It gives him options and a little control - he can leave if he wants to (needs to) and it is his choice. Sometimes just knowing you have options helps.
I’m new to this but wouldn’t most every child with anxiety issues be extremely reluctant to walk into a clinic for help? If he was confident enough to walk into strange situations he wouldn’t have anxiety.
There are very effective treatments available for anxiety. I hope your son gets to a point soon where he can seek treatment on campus, or at home. Depending on the underlying issue, though, transferring to another school won’t necessarily solve the problem (as I imagine you already realize).
Many excellent students have baggage of one form or another. But I think schools are most enthusiastic about supporting students who show a willingness to address their problems. Students who let the problems slide, and who stop attending class, become seriously at risk.
@concernedMum I don’t know if you have the resources to travel to your son, but if you do, perhaps you could go with him to the health services at his school and explore the mental health options with him. You may need to get some kind of power of attorney signed by him so that you can communicate with his provider on his behalf. He may be afraid or unsure about how to go about this on his own. Also, when people are struggling with anxiety and/or depression they often do not think clearly or have strong decision making schemes. With effective treatment, he may be able to salvage his grades and stay in school if that is what he wants.
I think schools are very much willing to help as this is a very common issue for many kids. You mention an elite school so I assume they have resources as do most good publics. I will say I am confused by their suggestion as to go home or transfer, but it tells me you need to intervene more deeply. This is a very treatable condition and I would get ahead of it as fast as you can to take advantage of those, or it can lead to a lifetime of anxiety issues. Agree with suggestion to visit and go in with him if you can. It is extremely difficult for them to take that first step, so in absence of a good friend you can talk to that is there with him that could help in the process, I think you should consider getting involved. At 18 of course his treatment can be his own, you are really just there to get him to the health center and he can choose to include you or not.
It is a good lesson for a student to realize it is ok and good to ask for help. I think you need to help him see that however you can. Wish you both well.
OK, so how many times? That is to say, if you travel to him and accompany him to the health center, but he is too anxious to go back and is in denial about his need for help (or does not trust the systems/people as being able to help him), how do you get that traction to stick? This condition is treatable only if the student is willing to confront it, but that confrontation causes anxiety, so he isolates instead.
Pragmatically, how to you get past that hump, which may take many accompanied visits, each one eroding the parent-student relationship, and each one more difficult than the last? How does one get to the point of treatments helping?
It is interesting to me that your thread title isn’t “how can I get my son the help he needs” but rather a fear that the college will “view him as dead weight.” What’s more important - his mental health, or what the college thinks of him?
I’m sorry your son is struggling. I know it must be very painful for you. A dear friend’s son experienced a mood disorder his freshman year at an elite university. He is graduating this May.
They did go to him and get him engaged in the mental health services at his school and monitored him very closely initially. He was able to get the services he needed there and did not leave campus or take time off. It has certainly been stressful and I am not sure my friend will breathe until he has his diploma in hand. But he is doing very well now. He is an amazing young man.
My own brother experienced a serious mental health crisis while he attended an elite university. He took a leave of absence to get treatment but was able to return and graduate.
Colleges are seeing increased numbers of students dealing with anxiety and other mental health issues. I know some folks who work in mental health services at a local college and they are lovely, lovely caring professionals. I hope most schools have those types of folks who genuinely care and want students to be healthy and successful.
@Pizzagirl, isn’t it sad? The OP calls the school to get help in getting her son to come in for help and they just say “show up or go home!” She knows his health is paramount. The question is, can she rely on the school as an ally, or will they be a roadblock? Was this one insensitive employee, or school policy?
To get the help he needs, will the school be on the same team, or will they be the opposition? The OP is trying to assess what tools are available- thus the question- will the school see him as dead weight and continue to be unhelpful, or will they pull together and help the OP get help to her son?
How do you get them to do this, @LeftofPisa? This is the piece that is SO needed, yet SO HARD to get to happen! How did they get them to do this?
All I hear is that they will help, but the student must come to them! And THAT is the hard part! Any ideas along that vein are true pearls of wisdom! It may be ALL that is needed to get things on track.
If he refuses to go see the counselors how are they supposed to help him? It seems like very realistic advice given the circumstances described. And, just getting him into the office is the first step, it is by no means any kind of surefire solution.
Feels to me that the OP needs to figure. Out if the son wants to stay in that college. If the answer is no then withdraw him and get him home. If the answer is yes then they need to go there and see if the son is ready and willing to work on the mental issues while simultaneously working to salvage the semester.
You should call the Dean of students to inquire about a full drop of the semester for medical reasons, just so you know about that option. This is very serious, apparently. Your son will find his way at some point. Keep that in mind.
If he won’t communicate that is difficult. All you can do is offer him options, maybe coming home for a semester is not a bad idea, but he has to agree.