Please understand that this is the prep school area of CC. It has a large number of people, like me, whose children chose to attend boarding schools.
I can safely say that we all agree and are well aware that there are enormous sacrifices in going the boarding school route with our children. It is discussed all the time here. It is gut wrenching at times. We know how much we are missing. By posting in the prep school forum as opposed the regular board, the assumption is the OP knows, too. It doesn’t need to be pointed out. Many of us get judged about the decisions we made by people who don’t know us, regardless of how right the decisions are for our families.
What you are experiencing as an odd exchange I read as a polite way to redirect the conversation back to what the OP was talking about, away from what was an unintended slight against a lot of people reading your comment. Otherwise the thread would go in a negative direction, like many have before.
It is great, btw, that your family made the choices it did and your daughter is thriving!
My apologies. This is the first time I am posting in the prep school thread and did not realize that there are sensitive subjects that one is discouraged to bring up. I certainly did not intend to offend.
Though, I would dispute “the assumption is that OP knows, too” because her child is only in preschool. Where would one like OP, new to the idea of boarding schools, go to ask her questions and get answers like mine – without offending people?
Perhaps you can consider pinning a post that tells newcomers which subjects not to touch on.
I actually think this is the right place to ask your questions, and they are welcome!
The people who post here regularly are very open and happy to talk about the choices they made and why. There is a huge pay it forward mentality that I cherish and feel protective of.
I find it much more enjoyable place to discuss things here than the main boards.
Your post came across as kind and thoughtful, so I just wanted to make sure you understand the undercurrent. Stick around! I think with the new format of CC, people are finding their way here that have no idea what the background is. It is worth putting it out there for general consumption.
The feeder data is very misleading. I d of the primary reasons there are so many acceptances is 1. its competitive to get in to those schools so they are already high achievers. 2. There is a strong legacy and development case contingent there, whose children would be seriously considered no matter which school they went to. Finally, some of the schools mentioned have many schools faculty children there which is obviously highly preferential.
Remove the above and it’s still fine to highly qualified students. However, as many will find, if not legacy, recruited, development or faculty preference, it may be actually harder to get admission as only so many spaces can be filled from that school.
My view is a great high school education is actually more important than the differences in colleges. Habits are formed and the school has them for the full day, unlike professors that are less involved for a semester. Just teach them a life long curiosity and love of learning, combined with empathy and a healthy life style, and they will do great!
Yeah, but to be fair, plenty of folks want to get their kids into Waldorf and Montessori schools because they see them as the beginning of the Ivy League pipeline, not because of their educational philosophies. The schools might not be cutthroat, but some of the parents still can be.
I went to a Montessori school in the late 70’s. It was not cut throat. The philosophy is very focused on individual achievement and working with others. Most successful students have these traits.
We felt the same. Our kids were bored to tears in highly rated public school. Most of the top students in town left for BS/private day school.
We think BS is the best money we ever spent.
In high school, you learn a lot about yourself. There are fewer options for high school. But there are hundreds/thousands of options for college.
Both of my kids thrived and received excellent educations at the public high school. However, my son attended a Montessori school for three years, K-2, after a disastrous year in K at the public school. For us, that was money well spent. He needed to be himself, to play, to learn in his own way. It gave him time to grow without the constraints of a typical elementary school, while learning and having fun. He reentered public school for 3rd grade, when it was clear he had a learning disability, for which his Montessori school could not offer any specialized instruction.
@YnJvd24 All kids are different. Why not wait a little and see what your child needs? Maybe your child won’t need or want to go to boarding school. Maybe your child won’t need to be groomed for Harvard, or wherever. Maybe your child will want to be at a local school with friends he or she has known through tumble tots, or art class, or playing in the park.
You asked if you have to start planning before preschool, presumably to set your child up for acceptance to the Ivy League. I think it’s clear that most people agree you do not have to do that. You appear to be overthinking what really is very simple: just let your child enjoy childhood. Be glad you have the resources to allow him or her to do that without financial constraints.
I’m definitely going to check out the book Excellent Sheep!
Just to reiterate for folks who have replied this weekend: it is correct that my concern is not that they have to get on a certain track. It’s more a concern for me: that I give them the optionality. To me, the choice is ultimately up to them: but I never want to wonder if I did enough or could have chosen a better place to set them up for the success they are after (whatever that may be).
Sorry, but that’s unavoidable. That’s part of being a parent. It comes with the territory. You cannot plan their lives. You just do the best you can at the time.
By virtue of what you have already done ( move to area w/excellent schools) and having an education, your children will have a distinct advantage. And will have lots of choices.
I’d say don’t sweat the small stuff. Look for people with balance in their lives and see how they raise their kids. I lean a bit like you, but we refused to do a lot of things when the kids were little. We lived in the same type of town and frankly it was really oppressive in some respects. Too many type A’s who thought their kids were the best in everything. It was tough on kids.
The end game as we define it, is having a happy family and a job you love. How many people have that?
Our oldest is at the most stressful point, IMO, junior year. Yet, it’s been pretty smooth sailing.
“Enough” = feed them, water them, and give them love.
Remember too…they are watching you and watching how you approach these issues and react (or don’t react) to the unknowns in the road. Our kids are most likely to be happy and adaptable if WE are happy and adaptable.
@YnJvd24 , you’re awesome!! It’s so hard to tease out where the stuff we do and worry about comes from, and you seem to have a good handle on that.
When your kids are older, you’ll probably find that even more valuable. I know that with my kid (now in his 20s), there were things I’d ask him to do or things I’d do for him or make him do, and I d often find myself saying to him, “I’m not saying this because I don’t trust your judgment because I absolutely do. But if x happened and it was because you didn’t know /didn’t think about /weren’t prepared, I would feel devastated that I hadn’t done my job and had let youdown” And rather than a snarky response or eyeball, I usually got a gracious “I know, mom.” It made such a difference, I think, to know where stuff was coming from.
And to @Happytimes2001 and @Lindagaf 's comments, I have friends who occasionally threw me into a state of serious self-doubt from the different choices they made. It goes with the parenting territory, I think.
…And then they wonder why they don’t get in. Because I imagine, when they do get in, the cutthroat parents complain that the school is doing silly stuff rather than real learning, like flash cards and writing novels in kindergarten.
If a school has a particular mission or philosophy, they are more welcoming of those who understand that and support them, versus those who are very obvious about seeing the school as only stepping stone.
Parents who can credibly convey that their personal philosophy and values align with the school’s, I suspect, stand a better chance at having their child succeed in the application process.
Maybe you are right…maybe you aren’t as right as you think. Even in the 10-15 years since you came through the workplace world has evolved substantially. IME, except for investment banking and consulting (who are notoriously brand-name fixated), there aren’t many fields where an Ivy/similar brand name makes a meaningful difference- and even there, they still aren’t the only option! Baruch College sends more people to Morgan Stanley than any of the Ivies. Tech is even less likely to be impressed by the Ivy+ label. Google & Apple heavily recruit Stanford grads- but they also love UC-B, UT-A, UWa, UMi & San Jose State. And I know more than a few grads who went to those firms & similar from solid but not T-20 LACs.
@Lindagaf is right! No parent can ever know the right choice to make at each juncture. You simply do the best you can with what you have to work with.
Life throws you curve balls. The oldest of my siblings went to BS & loved it. Next one couldn’t wait to go. Long story short, it was a disaster, led to a 25 year rift with our parents. After 25 years he finally told them what had gone wrong. Turned out to be a pretty simple thing- if he had told them at the time it could have been sorted quickly and easily- but he was 16 and a tough mix of headstrong and insecure. Heartbreaking- and even with hindsight I can’t see anyway that our parents could have handled it better. The point is that rarely is any choice straight up wrong or right- it’s how it plays out in real time for the specific individual- and you simply can’t predict it.
Of all the things you are worrying about, I think your worrying is the most worrying
Though some M & W schools are more true to their philosophies than others. The M school in our town has an air of exclusivity to it that is not what I was looking for.
Otoh, there is a marvelous small preschool-elementary school near us that is run by a small, obscure religious group. The secret got out 20-ish years ago that their preschool is phenomenal, values diversity, caters to working parents, and is half the price of Montessori. Their applications skyrocketed and ever since they have had to do severe gate-keeping to keep to their mission, and tamp down on the influence of prestige-seekers. We were lucky kiddo went there through K, and it was really interesting to watch how they dealt with the problems of being popular.
OP - I get where you are coming from. Your last response made me chuckle, because while on my best days I know we have made great choices for our kid, I will ever stop the doubt creeping into my head of whether we did everything we could. That is the plight of being a good parent.
Best parenting advice I ever got I am going to give to you:
shoot for “good enough” parenting.
Trying to be the best parent will run you into the ground, make you hate yourself, and might destroy your kid’s childhood.
Early childhood development thrives not on money, but on quality time with adults who interact with them. I found the book, “Einstein Never Used Flash Cards: How Our Children Really Learn–and Why They Need to Play More and Memorize Less” both thought provoking and reassuring when my child was a toddler and preschooler.
The physicist, Richard Feynmann, commented in his autobiography that the greatest thing his father did when he was a boy was talk to him and answer his questions. While I’m sure most of us aren’t going to raise internationally regarded physicists, it is a valid approach to raising children.
The current trend to promote “STEM” activities, usually at great expense, as vital enrichment for young children has me annoyed (and baffled). There’s STEM aspects to almost everything. So, get the kid away from screens and electronic toys, even Leapfrog, and interact with them.
I will wonder this every single day for the rest of my life, so I’ve learned to live with the uncertainty and lean into that it all comes down to loving deeply, and to showing up, and to giving my kids my time and my ear and my shoulder and my eye contact and my insight into spotting their special beauty.
All while managing to celebrate my own, because I want to raise 4 young women who know that we don’t have to lose ourselves because we love others well.
Here has been the secret to parenting for me: learning to love that wondering; that uncertainty. Loving, not dreading, that unknown. Seeing it all as an adventure with surprises – many amazing, some not. (many not, TBH) But doors close and we spend time in the hallways in life waiting for other doors to open. It might be the eternal optimist in me, but I have grown to love the hallways, even when I don’t always like them.
There are no double blind control studies in the raising of our kids. We will never know the what ifs. Be present, loving, and understanding. Our kids are not mini-me’s that owe it to us to live better lives than we do. And the anxiety the OP is talking about WILL permeate their relationship with their kid. A lot of the most successful and well balanced people I know have had a very circuitous road in their lives with many wrong turns and restarts. And as far as boarding school goes, I would suggest you think of it as an option to explore if your public school doesn’t work out for your kid OP, not you. Sometimes we confuse the two.
