DH and I pretty much leave our kids alone for the most part. We have never helped with “normal” homework ever since they were in first grade. But that’s not b/c we have certain code or philosophy to follow, it’s just b/c we are lucky that our kids didn’t need help. If our kids needed help, we would give it in less than a heart beat. Who knows what kind of mother I would be had my kids needed constant reminder or support with homework? I don’t really know. You gotta do what you gotta do, everyone’s is different and you adjust your support based on the circumstances.
I’ve never seen a B on a test, quiz or project DD’s school work since she was in first grade. So there was no reason to get involved in that. They always take the highest level of whatever levels provided for their grade (math in middle school, or honor/AP classes for HS) without being told to. BUT what we are helping them with is the work outside of the regular school curricula. We encouraged them to take online courses, summer programs, or any extra work that has nothing to do with school work. Sometimes it’s for them to learn ahead, but most of the time it’s to allow them to take courses that the school doesn’t offer (discrete math, number theory, Python, Latin, etc…). If we have no major plans during holiday weekends (i.e president day weekend, MLK, etc.), we printed out SAT questions, AMC math problems and have our kids work on them between xbox, movies and other social activities. Surely they can spare a few hours working on academic stuff. This is an opportunity for my husband to explain to them new science/math concepts that they have never learned at school. Our kids are smart but they wouldn’t have the motivation on their own to find online resources to do extra study (But who knows if we didn’t do it they would have done it on their own anyway? Hard to say). Our job is to show them the world outside of the bubble they are in. We often told them that they may be the top of their class right now, but it is nothing when they go to college. There is a whole world of smarter people out there, and if they can do something now to better prepared for that world, then why not. They have the time now.
What irks me is situation where the kids are already independent and doing well in schools, but the parents can’t help themselves. They didn’t give the kids a chance to succeed (or fail) on their own. They are so busy cutting down the trees and not seeing the entire forest being at risk (lame analogy lol). I think it’s completely okay to be over the top parents, as long as you take a pause once in a while for the kid to harvest the investment that you have worked so hard for. Or see how ineffective your method was if they “failed” the moment you let go of being over their shoulder. Not being flexible with the approach is just not fair for everyone involved. I have a friend whose kid is also a friend of our DD. The kid is extremely independent and smart, but the mom is a typical tiger mom. She is also a nagger. Do this do that constantly and wouldn’t allow the girl to have any social life. She is taking credit for the fact that her daughter got accepted to UPenn this year. (She pushed her daughter to re-take SAP multiple times until she got 1590. Mine got 1530 the first time and I told her that’s good enough lol). We will never know for sure if her daughter would have gotten into UPenn on her own, I would like to think she would still have, but who knows. On the other hand, maybe mine would have gotten into Yale/Harvard had we “pushed” our kids further? Who knows, but i am okay with mine going to non-ivies. That was never the goal for us