Please review and revise this essay:
In our world hundreds of thousands of people smoke or, are at least used to smoke, although it is well-known that smoking is a deadwish. Every day we hear lots of tobacco company advertisements. The number of smokers, especially among youth, is increasing. Smoking should probably be illegal, but I do not agree with that.
In some countries smoking in public places is not allowed. People can buy cigarettes only if they are over 18. Everyone knows that smoking is very harmful. So, if there are such strict restrictions, why can man not answer for himself the question concerning this habit? I think, that a general prohibiting would be breach of our human rights.
I read an article about one englishman who fell in love with smoking at a very young age. It cost him one collapsed lung, but he still smokes three packs of cigarettes daily. He started his own tobacco company, and he produces cigarettes called “Death”. This man realizes that his habit is deadly and he does speak about it to everyone who buys a pack of “Death”. I think that advertisements where they show us “cowboy heaven” and smiling people should be prohibited. Even little children should know that smoking is bad for their health.
I hope that in a few years people will understand that smoking has many more bad sides than good. But as I effects already, I believe that making tobacco illegal is a very radical step, and it is should not be done.
@genteel ,
I’m sorry-- what is the purpose behind this essay?
Is it supposed to be the 500 word Common App essay that gets you into college?
It’s 251 words, and doesn’t seem to answer any of the prompts.
I agree. This seems to be more of an analytical essay about the self-destructive tendencies of man. I would recommend that the OP write about themselves or something of importance to themselves.(P.S. OP please don’t write about something cliché such as how a death impacted your life, be original and creative! Creativity is the key!)
Maybe SAT essay? If that’s the case, way too short and needs more concrete examples.
Yeah, it does look like an SAT essay. I agree with bodangles; this needs more solid explanations and examples.
In our world**,** hundreds of thousands of people [Actually, millions.] smoke or, are at least used to smoke, although it is well-known that smoking is a death wish. Every day**,** we hear lots of tobacco company advertisements. The number of smokers, especially among youth, is increasing. Smoking should probably be illegal, but I do not agree with that [Haha, either smoking should be illegal or it should not be. You can’t agree with the statement and then say you disagree.]
In some countries smoking in public places is not allowed. People can buy cigarettes only if they are over 18. Everyone knows that smoking is very harmful [That’s a generalization. Many people know that smoking can kill, but not many people who are just starting think that they’ll develop a really severe habit. Overall, I’d avoid using strong generalizations like “all people” and “no one” if you aren’t sure about the facts. And especially if you’re going to be using this statement to reach your point; you assume that everyone is educated enough to choose whether to smoke, but that’s not true.]. So, if there are such strict restrictions, why can man not answer for himself the question concerning this habit? I think, that a general prohibiting would be breach of our human rights.
I read an article about one englishman who fell in love with smoking at a very young age. It led to one collapsed lung, but he still smokes three packs of cigarettes daily. He started his own tobacco company, and he produced cigarettes called “Death”. This man realizes that his habit is deadly and he does speak about it to everyone who buys a pack of “Death”. I think that advertisements where they show us “cowboy heaven” and smiling people should be prohibited. Even little children should know that smoking is bad for their health.
[This is turning from “Prohibiting smoking is a breach of our rights” into “It’s important to let people know that smoking is bad.” The first point is what you should be elaborating on, not writing about the negative effects of smoking.]
I hope that in a few years people will understand that smoking has many more bad sides than good. But as I effects [?] already, I believe that making tobacco illegal is a very radical step, and it is should not be done.