<p>Here's the situation... my 17 year old son is a very bright, enthusiastic junior, taking a combination of college prep, honors & AP classes this year. While very bright, he is one of those lazy boys who often comes home, whizzes through homework, if he even does it, then starts socializing on the computer or the phone. He is immature and does not seem to discipline himself to get his work done, then "play."</p>
<p>I know I should not be "micromanaging" him, but he seems to need help (yes, if you're wondering, he is my only child). Do any of you parents of the more typical teenager - not the ones of the self-disciplined, high acheiving teens that usually frequent this board - ever take away the instant messaging and telephone privileges (at least during the week) to help keep them focussed? I know that he has to learn to do this for when he goes away to college - but since he's got one year left, should I - could I -still try to teach and mold him into a better student? After all, a junior/senior in high school isn't in college at the age of 17/18 because they're not mature enough (in most cases)... right?</p>
<p>My son used to AIM much more than he does now. But, when he's home, he's on the phone til very late. His GF calls him at 1,2,3am on school nights. I don't really monitor it, but I know it happens almost every night. Lately, he's been walking around with bags under his eyes and I know it's because of the late night phone chat. Today, he wanted to stay home from school because he was too tired to go. I made him go anyway. </p>
<p>In his case, I think he knows how to manage his time, but has been "slipping" out of his habits because of the pressure of this relationship. And, I don't think there's much going on in school lately, so he's really not too busy with homework. </p>
<p>I don't think you can force your S to prioritize at 17.</p>
<p>He'll have to learn on his own, via trial and error. What if you were to say "AIM is limited to 1 hr per night"....what would that teach him? I can see managing it if he was in the middle of exams or had a paper to write and you were really concerned about the outcome/grade. But, even then, you're not teaching him by forcing the limit on him. To him, that's YOUR rule, not his choice......his results. </p>
<p>You haven't mentioned the impact this has on his grades/homework. Is he still doing well? If not, a little guidance might be in order. If he is doing well, I would let him sort it out on his own. the AIM thing might die off soon....and may be replaced by "IRL" (in real life) time outside of the home....hanging out with friends in person.</p>
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You haven't mentioned the impact this has on his grades/homework. Is he still doing well?
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<p>I think that's key. When I walk into my daughter's room, she always has a bunch of AIM windows open (which she quickly closes). She also goes out with friends at least a couple of weeknights and every weekend. Since she keeps her grades up, I don't say much, but if the grades were to slide, I'd be all over her.</p>
<p>His grades have gone down a bit... used to get all Bs and some As. This year mostly low Bs and some Cs. He is certainly capable of doing much better with not much effort. </p>
<p>As I have been on the receiving end of a parental AIM block, I feel it would be inappropriate for me to voice my opinion. Instead, I will pose a question in response: How would you enforce the rule? No offense, but I doubt that any parents on this forum could. The only choice, an honor code, is much less effective than a direct and serious discussion.</p>
<p>@mcdeb1958: That article is really cute! Unfortunately, it's been thoroughly debunked. Also, parents especially should learn that communication via IM is very different than it is through E-Mail. But that's another discussion entirely ; )</p>
<p>My husband & I discussed this situation with my son when he came home from school this evening. He was actually in agreement - not thrilled, you understand, but in agreement that he does need some help in this situation. It helps that we are not doing this as a punishment and he can have it during the weekend (after work is done).</p>
<p>Nom, I simply took the cable going from the router to his computer away. If he needs the computer for REAL WORK, he can use mine (I don't have AIM).</p>
<p>@lelalellen and audiophile: Yeah, that does work. My parents use the internet almost incessantly for their work, so unplugging the router is not an option. When they hid the ethernet cable connecting my computer to the router, I took out my spare 50' Cat5 (I had to download a group project in the wee hours of the morning). In the end, it hinges on trust.</p>
<p>So, you cut him off during the week? He can use it on weekends? (Just clarifying the rule so others might follow your progress and make use of your solution)</p>
<p>Glad he took it well - he must be a very responsible son.</p>
<p>You know what Nom...my son could hook up his computer directly to the modem and bypass the router (wireless for mine)... but he'd have to do this when I'd gone to bed... so at least he would have done his homework by then.</p>
<p>We have struggled with this issue as well. At times we have had a ban on IM on school nights and at times limited it in time for use only after homework was done. Both of these limits were placed during times that D could not balance/manage without taking shortcuts or staying up too late. D also always seemed on edge when on IM a lot = they know too much about who is doing what, where; and, where or what they are not included in. Not coincidentally these limits were also placed during freshman and sophomore year. By the end of sophomore year the problem resolved. D had learned to prioritize, had settled in to herself, made her own decisions to study first, had a balanced social life, good sense of self, etc. WHen D was in middle school, however, she had a death threat by a girl during some of the "mean girl" culture that was very distressing and ultimately involved school officials and police. Perhaps it is in part due to this incident that we were less likely to give free reign. I am not a big fan of IM. It makes kids bolder and more pretentious than they would be if they were speaking to a live person. Maybe I am just too old school, but I don't think anyone can really concentrate on writing a paper with 15 screens up. I think it makes for poor work habits. On the positive, I know D is always catching grief from friends complaining that she is too busy and does not have time for them. IT is a good way to keep in touch and I am sure when she is away at school I will love it so D2 and S can fill me in on how she is doing. Like anything - in moderation it is probably okay.</p>
<p>Yes, momsdream... only on during the week. I don't know how responsible he is... but he does care about his grades and is appreciative that it's not a punishment and that he can have it on the weekend.</p>
<p>Nom,
I could take out their wireless cards, lock the room that the router is in and even take away their laptops if need be. Parents can be resourceful too!</p>
<p>During our limits, D was at first resistant and then also in agreement that limits were needed. Once we all agreed on the reasons, the compromise and the need for trust, it took care of itself. I hope it does for you and your S as well.</p>
<p>I hope my son matures so he will be able to prioritize on his own. Unfortunately, each child matures differently... for boys, it often comes later... and just because the world says since he is a junior he should be doing it on his own, doesn't mean he can. I think (and hope) he just needs a little bit more molding and guiding on my part.</p>
Indeed. Parents know far too much these days. I won't reveal exactly how I'd get around your blocks on a public forum. What I can tell you is that it would require two tomato cans and a long string.</p>