Do You Want Your Children to Come Home After College?

Parents Forum
1

<p>This question came to me while reading posts on the thread about how many college grads today -- 85% of them -- are returning to the nest after receiving their diploma. My question is somewhat different. I'm curious as to how many parents hope that once their children graduate they will return to their home town to get a job, settle down and start a family?</p>

<p>My wife and I have always been of the belief that we are preparing our daughters to make their own way in the world and that once they have received their education they will go wherever it takes for them to achieve their dreams. We have always assumed that would not be in small town, Upstate New York. Perhaps our expectations have been fueled by our own experiences and family histories. On my Dad's side of the family, for example, it took six generations about 200 to migrate from Massachusetts to California; the following generations reversed course and ended up back in Massachusetts by the time I was born.</p>

<p>In our community, however, there are many parents who expect their kids will earn a degree and then return to their hometown for the rest of their lives. Some go so far to require their children to apply only to colleges within an hour of home or the local CC so they don't get ideas about leaving their hometown (not sure how that works).</p>

<p>What about CCers? Do you want your children to return to their hometown after graduation or are you comfortable with them setting up shop in another city, state or country?</p>

2

<p>Yes to both.</p>

3

<p>I don’t need them to live in the same hometown, but I’d like them close enough to visit on holidays. Kinda like how we live in Md. and the in-laws live in NJ. We see them for every holiday and milestone family event. Close enought to get there in a half-day in case of emergency. That’s enough.</p>

<p>BTW, part of my opinion is based on the fact that both of my (divorced) parents moved away as soon as they could when sis and I entered adulthood. Having no childhood home to return to was worse than the actual divorce for me. That’s why I’ve been telling my H for years that we will not be downsizing our real estate in retirement. I want to give my kids (and any grandkids) a feeling of traditions in a safe, warm “homestead.” </p>

<p>So, that’s my hope anyway. The reality may be totally different.</p>

4

<p>Also, yes to both. We are fortunate to live in an area which is still producing jobs. Our oldest graduated and returned to this area with his one and only job offer.</p>

5

<p>I agree…it’s both. If my son had a dream that required him to live somewhere other than our hometown, I would strongly encourage him to follow it. We are encouraging him now to study and travel abroad as much as he can.</p>

<p>OTOH, many people tend to plant roots wherever they happen to land without much forethought. As in…I went to school in Texas and companies were recruiting from my school, so the easiest thing to do is accept a job in Texas (rather than look for one elsewhere).</p>

<p>In that case, my preference would be to have my son stay closer to home than not. I moved away from home when I was 18 and have never lived closer than 5 hours to any member for my family since. Something I have truly regretted…there’s a lot you miss. Your kids don’t get to know their grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins very well; it’s harder to be there for birthdays, holidays, hospitalizations, etc. It’s nice to have nearby family support when you’re raising your kids and it’s nice to be able to help care for your elderly parents on a day-to-day basis.</p>

<p>I’ve seen many kids who were very close to their parents make the deliberate choice to return to their hometown or not leave to go too far away to begin with. Nothing wrong with that as long as it’s truly the kid’s choice. Nor is there anything wrong with someone choosing to leave home and never return. It’s all about individual choices.</p>

6

<p>Another “yes to both.” I’d like my adult children close to me, but if they move away, hopefully it would not be in two opposite directions, because I am following them even if I wind up living in an RV commuting between the two of them. ;)</p>

7

<p>I sincerely hope that DS does not come back to the area. I want him to find his own place in the workd, and I know it is not in this town. Hopefully, once he sows his wild oats a bit and settles down, hubby and I can relocate to be close (but not too close) to grandkids.</p>

8

<p>My hope is that DS would move somewhere near where we currently live, like a maybe 2-3 hours away or closer.</p>

9

<p>I am a “no” and a “yes”…I hope my kids spread their wings alittle more before they have to settle down. If they come back right away I think I’ll be a bit disappointed (although I’d probably never tell them that). If they choose to come back to the area at some point later in their lives I would then, of course, be thrilled. Really though, I don’t want them to come back right after undergrad. They are 1200 miles away and only come home at Christmas and for a brief couple weeks in the spring so it’s not like they haven’t “transitioned” from the family nest. They have also only lived in two small towns…I’d be happy to see them try alittle more urban place, or a different climate or a different country before they settled down, get married and have that whole slew of responsibilities. In a few years I would love to have them within a couple hours but not particularly right after undergrad!</p>

10

<p>I’m going to say in theory, it would be nice, but in real life “no” for a couple of reasons. One, our area does not = jobs right now. Two, she says she would love the chance to go elsewhere - and I would LOVE for her to have the chance to give that a try. </p>

<p>Nothing is forever, at home or not.</p>

11

<p>I would be happy if they chose to come back home or if they chose a new and exciting place. Unfortunately, my oldest has now met a girl from his college town and it looks like he’s not leaving. The college town is very depressed, but the girlfriend even found him a great job there. Moral of the story, for those of you looking at colleges now,…Pick a school in a city or town where you wouldn’t mind living the rest of your life.</p>

12

<p>I want my children (age 25, 23, 18) to be nearby after college. To me, the ideal situation is to have them close enough to drop by for convenient visits. </p>

<p>My wife’s father lived 13 hours away by automobile, in a place with no reasonable air transportation. When we had children, they got to know my parents well–they lived within an hour’s drive from us. Although we visited my wife’s father at least two times a year, the interactions were lacking. The visits were too concentrated and intense–unnatural really. They never got to know that grandfather very well.</p>

<p>I have a 25 year old son who married his high school sweatheart(from our hometown). They both graduated from college in 2008. They went to the same college about 700 miles from home.</p>

<p>During my son’s senior year, he was courted by a government lab which is headquartered in the south. We’re in Minnesota. My son didn’t seek the job. He was recommended to the lab by his professors. They offered to pay for his pHd in exchange for him working for them for a number of years. My son and his wife thought it over and decided that they wanted to live close to home after graduation. My son refused the job, and refused to even be flown to the lab to check out the job. Honestly, I was disappointed. I had to look at why I wanted him to check out that lab job. It came down to my pride. I could imagine myself saying…“my son, the pHd, who works at a Very Prestigious Government Research Lab”.</p>

<p>Instead my son and his wife got good jobs close to their home town. They live 1/2 hour away. We see them at least every two weeks, sometimes more often. Ten days ago they had their first child, a boy. This is our first grandchild. On their request, we waited in the waiting room during labor and got to see the child shortly after birth. We stopped in for a brief visit to their home a couple days after birth. We brought meal over a few days after that. Last weekend, a number of relatives, including the baby’s great grandmother came over to meet the baby. It was awesome, and so easy for everyone. No flights, no problems with too much or too little time. It was so natural.</p>

<p>I am besides myself with gratitude to have a healthy grandchild, and grateful that it is so easy to interact with him and his parents.</p>

<p>Now, my 18 year old is choosing a college and her first choice is about six hours away. She is such a pleasant kid I’m going to miss her much. Deep down, I don’t want her that far away. And I know that the likely hood of settling down after college in a distant area is great. I’m not going to crimp her college choice. And I’m not guilt her into living close by. I just hope she makes the same choice as her older brother.</p>

13

<p>Ok, I’ll change my mind. They can go live “not at home” after college, but when the grandchildren are born, they need to be in a 60 mile radius of me. :)</p>

14

<p>Neither of my kids want to live in our state after graduation. D is already in another state & intends to stay there. S in in-state for school but plans to leave after getting his degree. I support them in whatever they plan to do.</p>

<p>In terms of missing them, I already do miss D … but her life is her own & I am glad she is pursuing her dreams. S wants greener pastures in the future, and again … his life is his to live. I can visit, they can visit.</p>

<p>Neither kid wants to live with the 'rents after graduating from college, even if we were to relocate somewhere cool (not happening, anyway). I don’t blame them, as I never returned to the nest after graduation. Not that I don’t like my parents, but living at home as an adult just isn’t in our DNA.</p>

15

<p>My son, a college junior, actually has said he’d like to come back here to his hometown (large East Coast metro area) after college. It’s a great place to live, and his job prospects in his field would be pretty good. I would like to see him explore the world, but if he does it through travel instead of employment, that’s fine with me.</p>

<p>The added wrinkle for us is that he’s an only child, and we’re both older parents with an age difference (my H is well past retirement age, working happily in a second career). We don’t focus this a lot, but our age is a factor in how we feel about whether he’s close or far away. It’s just different.</p>

<p>But my answer to both questions is yes, because it’s his life. But living at home? Only if absolutely necessary, and for a short time!</p>

16

<p>My son’s university is 13 hours from home. He does not want to come home after college, and truthfully, we do not want him to return. There are no jobs. Heck, the closest grocery store is 12 miles away. He wants to live in the suburbs of a major city or the city itself. He wants to take the subway to work. </p>

<p>My youngest is a high school freshman. He, too, wants to go away to college, the same school as his brother. </p>

<p>My mom always says that kids needs to go to grow. I guess my kids got that idea from her.</p>

17

<p>In my fantasy world, our son would have a fantastic job in the field of his choice and a pleasant life within an easy drive from where we live.</p>

<p>I live in the real world, unfortunately, and that would be very difficult to achieve. He has a good job in his field and is 9 hours away. </p>

<p>After our retirement, he may have settled down, more or less in one place, and we may consider moving to be closer to him, wherever that will be</p>

18

<p>Speaking as a child here, I would have loved to move to my home town (NOT in with my parents) after graduation. I love my parents, we’re close, and I went to college on the opposite side of the country from them so i missed being closer to them. BUT my job and my future prospects led me elsewhere, and my parents thankfully supported me. They wanted me to live my own life, that’s why they sent me to college in the first place. </p>

<p>I still hope I can move back home or nearer home some day, though it’s a bit unlikely. I definitely want my kids to be close with my parents as I have no doubt they will make terrific grandparents and spoil them properly rotten. </p>

<p>I think it’s easier these days with email and cell phones and skype and facebook and discount airfare search engines. We talk all the time, share news through facebook and send photos back and forth. It makes the distance smaller. We also try to visit regularly and even still go on family vacations (though these may get fewer as my brother and I get older), so I feel like we keep the bond alive.</p>

19

<p>I hope they are all close enough so that we could be in our grandchild’s lives. My kids only had my dad in their life and I think my grandchildren would be missing out if we were not in the picture. There is nothing that beats having family within close proximity. The reality however is already in front of me when I see my son taking a job in the UE. I am not only worried about him being so far away but I am concerned that he may find his future wife there. I will never see my grandbabies.</p>

20

<p>I have one in cc yet to leave the nest. I don’t know what his plans will be. My large guess is he’ll stay close to us, not by our request, but he has some later maturation and development issues. Whatever makes him happy where he can support himself, absolutely!
Our middle son will go off next year and plans on studying engineering. If he completes a degree in engineering he will probably not return to our area based on jobs. Once he’s busted his rear to get through college I want him to take the job that is best for him.
S3 is just too young to tell.
Quite frankly we very well may not be ‘here’, so ‘home’ may be somewhere else, making all of this relative. Perhaps this is why I look beyond to a retirement cabin on a lake where I hope they will be an easy plane ride away (or closer!) where they will WANT to come visit. Holidays are great, but it will be their turn to make traditions in their own homes someday.</p>