<p>It's started. The question: "When is he heading back to school?" He's not. </p>
<p>It's like "how are you?" No one wants to hear that you're not fine and no one asking the question expects the answer to be, "He's not." </p>
<p>With most people I have a short and breezy answer....they don't want or need the whole story. With some I can get by with "school starts on the 30th...." </p>
<p>I wish our whole family could just leave town for about a month. I feel so bad for my son having to respond to the question. I've asked the question myself of others many times. Now I know how awkward it can be.</p>
<p>My DD has a couple of friends who landed back home (some of whom are already heading back to school after missing a semester) so its not particularly shocking.</p>
<p>An acquaintance in our town – who owns a card shop and thus has to make chit-chat with lots of people on a daily basis – has a daughter back at home after one year. When asked, how’s XXXX?, I noticed her repeating the same response: “XXXX was really unhappy at YY University, so she is back home regrouping for the year.”</p>
<p>That could happen to any of us, and it didn’t seem awkward when she said it.</p>
<p>The child/family could also say the student decided on a gap year/term that she felt would help her get more out of her college experience and the great job/volunteer ops child is taking advantage of in the interim (to gain experience, save $$$, etc.) This happens a lot more than people realize. My BIL’s niece did this, working at the local grocery & taking some courses at local U while she figured out what she wanted to major in. Saved her & family a LOT of $$$ instead of being at OOS U.</p>
<p>Happens a lot. Just say he’s taking a gap year. You don’t owe anyone any more of an explanation. If they press about what he’s doing, just say, he wants to take the year off. </p>
<p>Personally, it is the best thing some kids can do when they are confused about where they are and what to do. Colleges are madhouses without being asylums of any sort. Young folks are all insane at that age anyways, and a breather could do them well.</p>
<p>Personally, I think it takes a very mature person to recognize that they don’t know what they want to do yet. My heavens, your son is still quite young. He has plenty of time to figure out what he wants to do with his life. I think in this hyper-competitive admissions era, it is assumed that all students know what they want when most don’t. I am proud of your son and I would say to anyone who asked, with pride, “He just doesn’t know which direction he wants to take right now and he is taking the time to figure it out.” Good for him and good for you for letting him have some time to think about the course he wants to take in life.</p>
<p>I think S is headed back to school (he’s been away all summer), but he’s talking about taking a semester off to hike the Appalachian Trail. If people ask, I’ll just tell them that. I don’t see taking time off as any sort of failure. If people tell me they’re not going back, I tell them how smart they are not to waste money on something that wasn’t working for them.</p>
<p>This has happened to several people I know,for various reasons. Nothing to be ashamed of.</p>
<p>But…</p>
<p>I will keep this in mind when I see people I know and want to ask about their kids. I will be mindful of what I say to lessen the chance of awkwardness.</p>
<p>I wish I would have taken a year off after Freshman year. It might have helped me avoid some of the problems that led to a multiyear sabatical. </p>
<p>But I came back and finished up strong, so I’m sure he can too!</p>
<p>S1 will be home this fall to regroup and get priorities in order. It feels like it will be harder than dealing with the empty nest I was expecting.</p>
<p>It’s always hard when our dreams and plans for our kids don’t match up with the reality, but it IS better for your son to do what he needs to do at this point. I just spent some time with an old high school friend who I recently re-found. She gave her kids every opportunity, and after her divorce worked hard to support the family. Both of her sons under-achieved and one actually dropped out of one of the top Philadelphia suburban high schools (the one that spies on kids). She said to me, “Can you even IMAGINE dropping out of high school. It was not something I could even comprehend!” He eventually got the GED, but is still floundering. The other son is just now (older college aged but not in college) beginning to find his way.<br>
You know how my son struggled- it just happened to be at an earlier age…
I know your son and your family will find your way through this period of uncertainty.</p>
<p>missypie, I can relate. Like Mowc said, it can be so painful when our dreams for our kids don’t match up with their journey. </p>
<p>Countingdown, having my son return home is so much harder than dealing with the empty nest I’d just begun to really enjoy. I love him dearly, but watching the struggle is so hard. Hope it is easier for you than you expect.</p>
<p>Embarrassed that your child is taking time off? Oh how I wish that DS were not going back this fall. His first year was socially successful and an academic mess, although not bad enough for the school to take any action. He came home an emotional wreck, then left for a summer job away from home. Although he saw a psychologist and the family doctor, was diagnosed with ADD, and started medication, my gut feeling is that he is about to start a re-run of last year. His class choices are interesting but absolutely pointless. He really needs to step back and get his head together. But I don’t play a big part in his decision.</p>
<p>I don’t think I’m embarrassed that my son is not going back to his 4 year U. It’s just that the question creates an awkward social circumstance. It’s like if someone says “how are you?” right after you just found out that your dog died. Do you say “fine” because that is what is expected, or do you tell them about the dog and make them feel terrible?</p>
<p>Anyway, thanks for the supportive comments. The GF leaves for school in a couple of days and that will probably be the toughest part for him.</p>
<p>Who hasn’t asked a question like that innocently enough (to make conversation etc.) and opened an unexpected can of worms? I just did something like that last week (where’s your child in school - oh he’s not…). I felt badly for asking, but it was meant to be small talk. That said, if it is just small talk, any small answer is ok: time off, transferring, etc. People you are closer to probably know more of what’s going on, and this would be unlikely to come up in that way. The real problem imo are those “concerned” relatives who you must see at some family function, and who are guaranteed to say something aggressive and totally lacking in tack and designed to make you feel awful. (they feel entitled to ask you your weight, salary, how much your house cost etc, because they are your relatives - or just overly nosy). Lately, I just walk away from them without answering if that type of thing comes up. Pretend you didn’t hear.</p>
<p>I guess I’m lucky in that regard. The relatives who have* something *to say about everything are fairly disinterested in higher education. To them Directional State U is equivalent to Duke or Rice, or perhaps *better *if it has a good football team or if their pastor’s daughter goes there.</p>
<p>Last year I attended the high school graduation party for the son of a business associate. The parents made a big deal about the fact that their son would be attending Cornell University and reminded us that Cornell’s acceptance rate was only 14%, they even passed around the acceptance letter, which they had had laminated! To make a long story short, their son finished his freshman year there with a 1.2/4.0 GPA and was asked not to return. The father admitted to me that his son apparently decided to major in partying and that his high school academic success was due to his parents looking over his shoulder making sure he did his best. He wasn’t able to handle the independence.</p>
<p>My advice to parents would be not to overdo the celebration of their student being admitted to an elite school.</p>
<p>I ask because I’m interested, not really to make small talk. And if the student is not returning to college the answer is more interesting. Hiking the Appalachian Trail, travel, work, the field is wide open. The only problem with the question I have is that I really hate to hurt others, and if the question is a painful one to the person I ask, I really feel badly. </p>
<p>But when my dogs died, many asked about them, and though,yes, it hurt to think of their deaths, I loved that people remembered them enough to ask. I don’t think not returning to college is anything akin to that unless the student is not going back to school because of illness, death, crime, etc. And if someone is interested enough to ask, they may really want to know how the kid is doing. I know I do.</p>