Many years ago I did a long-distance relationship for three years. I was in high school; he was in college. We dated for eight years and broke up (while we were apart again) for reasons not related to distance.
It was very hard on both of us to meet every two to three weeks, but in different ways. I missed opportunities in high school to socialize because my “other half” wasn’t there, or because I was keeping myself available in case we could get together. On his end, he had the experience of difficulty in making friends and missing out on a lot of activities and events to come home to me. He felt increasingly isolated from the things going on with our former friends when he came home, since his day-to-day experiences were so different. He also felt constrained in his ability to fully enjoy the college experience – actually, I also felt that way about high school – but we decided that it was worth the sacrifices.
I’m not sure we were wrong. I just wanted to give you a glimpse into your future.
So why should you care about respecting your parents wishes regarding your boyfriend?
Read through threads on this forum about parents that refuse to pay for their children’s education. Some parents even refuse to complete the FASFA. This leaves students unable to attend college, unable to apply as an independent student until age 24.
You are looking at risking your entire college education by lying to your parents.
Some relationships are more important than both your college education and the relationship with your parents. IMHO, loving parents don’t use money to control their adult children. If your parents cut you off, you can just marry him and you become independent and can do your own FAFSA. Hopefully at least one of you has mature enough parents to not interfere so that your relationship evolves on it’s own.
My brother and sister-in-law were high school sweethearts. He was a year older. Both went to colleges on the 12-college exchange. He went to college 1, she went to college 2 a year later. He spent his Junior year at her college when she was a sophomore. She spent her junior year at his college when he was a senior. Married after her graduation. This was the 80s. They now still very happily married empty nesters.
Of course their parents, half of who are my FIL and MIL were very supportive.
Such a distraction from school. There's no way you can give your school the love you're giving your BF, and this fall your school deserves the VAST majority of your love and attention, 24/7.
Don't pretend to be grownups and practice playing adults. You're not-don't pay his rent with the idea that you're adulting. Save your money for college. I'm assuming he's got a full time job and can make the rent. If he can't, then there's an issue right there.
Five hour drive on a Friday, and then another 5 hour drive back to school Sunday night. Yeah, no. The mileage on your car is going to be ridiculous, and you're going to freakin' hate yourself for driving ten hours every weekend. That's not supportable, and you know it. Sheesh.
Condoms have a 20% failure rate. Get a Skyla. And then keep using condoms. **That** is safe.
If your parents are paying for school and they find out you're doing this, are you prepared to give up school to be with him? Are you prepared to constantly have to lie to maintain the lifestyle you're setting up for yourself? Do you think you deserve that lifestyle? Do you think your parents deserve to be lied to constantly?
If you can honestly answer yes to the giving up school for him part, then just save them the money and move in with him now. Don't screw them over financially by not giving school your best shot.
They’ll get over it because you’re their daughter and they love you, and worst case scenario-after living with him for a year instead of going to college, and finding out that life really blows with no college education and the love of your life becomes a lazy jerk who plays videogames all day long and farts a lot, there are schools out there that will take you, and you can attend with your entire heart.
From my personal experience, I wouldn’t do anything to upset my parents, especially as they’re probably helping pay for college fees. I thought my boyfriend that I had going into college was “The One,” and he very well could have been if he wasn’t cheating and lying to me about it the whole time. You never know when it comes to your significant other. I don’t want to seem like I’m preaching to be safe because I trust that you are, but I think it’s best to focus most of your energy on schoolwork. If he can’t handle the long distance, then that’s his loss, to be quite honest. He should understand that you want to prioritize your studies and make lasting friendships in college. I also feel as though paying for part of his rent will greatly put you into a debt that you don’t need as a person enrolling in college. I am incredibly thankful that my relationship ended as soon as possible and I managed to build strong friendships in college so that I had a great amount of support while away from my parents and highly suggest you look to putting all your energy to having a solid first year of college. I hope it all works out, regardless, though!
I don’t really care what the OP does. It’s her life. But let’s not give advice like:
this.
Marrying for financial aid is a terrible idea. Just on so many different levels. I almost married my high school boyfriend at 18. Decided against it and we broke up on my 20th birthday. Most people, myself included, change quite a bit once they go off to school. This change can mean growing together or growing apart. Both are fine, but being legally bound to someone can make that process way more complicated than it needs to be.
Besides, even if the OP is independent for FAFSA purposes, it’s likely that she will not qualify for much, if any, Pell based on the fact that they will use both her and her husband’s income. If he can afford to live on his own, his income will likely put her EFC up to no Pell or near-no Pell territory. (Independent students and their spouses have income that is assessed differently than parents’).
Do some high school relationship work? Absolutely! In fact, I’m going to a wedding in just a few months for my friends who have been together for 10 years (since high school). They’re a wonderful couple and they even did the long-distance thing for quite a while since he was a few years older and graduated college before she did. But they’d also be the first to tell you that marrying at 18 is a terrible idea.
The reason we are telling you this is not a good idea is we have seen many many students go off to school thinking that this bf/gf is the one…only to be dropped by Thanksgviing (The Turkey Drop) because they are in different places (literally and figuratively) in their lives.
Have a BF? Sure, if you want.
Planning your first year of college around him? Doesn’t work well.
If your boyfriend is asking you to chip in some cash for rent he is lame. Sorry to be so harsh. But he should man up and take care of himself. If he can’t take care of himself how could he could take care of you as a family? If he’s not with you 24/7 he should be able to work as many hours as needed to cover his own expenses. If he can’t take care of himself he’s not ready for adulthood and should live with his parents until he figures it out.
Good luck.
I’ve been in my long-term relationship for with DW for 34 years. I think it’s all very simple.
If you’re in a relationship with someone who you see as your life partner and that relationship isn’t more important to you than ANY other consideration, than you are not IN a long-term relationship.
That holds true if you’re 18 and if your 80.
IMHO, you take the relationship as a given and work together from there to figure out how to optimize the balance between your joint needs. OP, I think you’ve done some of that (except for the rent part which either I don’t understand or is just bizzare), and you’ll just have to see if the practicalities are working for you or if some other arrangement needs to be made.
Given facebook, skype, free-wifi, unlimited minutes, etc. the relationship is not as hard to manage as it used to be.
I don’t think there is anything wrong with a long distance relationship, but going to visit him almost every weekend is a bit excessive. The costs will be really high and you won’t really allow yourself to immerse yourself in all the experiences and friends that is college. You want to have an enriching and fulfilling life outside of him in the case that you are not together while you are in college. The long term relationship is fine, but I would seriously evaluate your plans to go over there almost every weekend.
@romanigypsyeyes : well I mean, look at his username, whaddya expect?
Still, I’m mostly with @ClassicRockerDad on this. Sometimes the best way to figure out what you’re gonna do is to see every option laid out before you. Teenagers aren’t often swayed by harsh criticism or passionate advice for the opposite thing they want. I don’t think the OP is doing anything particularly dumb. Brightest idea? No, but in the grand scheme of things it’s not life ruining.
I was in a secret long distance relationship with someone across the country. I broke up with him after 2.5 years. Fortunately, I didn’t do a lot of stupid things, but I considered them. I have an older friend/mentor who I could be honest about the relationship to and he very gently pointed out all the problems with the things I told him. In the end, that friend was a catalyst in the relationship ending. You know what he didn’t do? Tell me how to run my life or criticize my boyfriend. If he had, I probably would have stopped telling my friend stuff about the relationship. C’mon, folks, you are all either teenagers/young adults or have raised such. You know how this works.
Personally, I firmly believe that college support should not be contingent on personal relationships of the college kid, so long as grades are good and the kid isn’t engaging in illegal activity. Just my two cents.
@PrivateConundrum, I agree with your point about college support - and we have no information here that the parents would cut off support. But, imo it would be a remarkable parent who would reliably respond calmly and reasonably to finding out that their child was sneaking back to the hometown every weekend in order to be with the boyfriend and using their money to subsidize his rent. I think the consensus here is LDR, fine. Every weekend, not a good plan. Paying part of the bf’s rent, bad plan.
First, I don’t understand helping him with his rent. Is the only reason he’s getting an apartment (as opposed to living at home or living in a dorm) so you can stay with him on the weekends? If that is NOT the only reason, then not only would I not visit him, I would run in the other direction. If that is the only reason, then I think you are doing a disservice to your parents by using what is essentially THEIR money to subsidize a secret relationship of which they do not approve. That’s just wrong, and dishonest.
Second, while I see no problem with having a long distance relationship while in college, if you leave campus to visit your boyfriend every weekend then you’re not taking advantage of your college experience. This is your chance to meet new people, try new things and expand your horizons. If this relationship is meant to be, your boyfriend will still be there after you finish college. In the meantime, visit him once a month or so and utilize the many on-line tools that exist and will help the two of you continue your relationship from afar. If your boyfriend is a bigger priority than college, then forget about college (or going away to college) and concentrate on the boyfriend. (Personally, I think that would be a short sighted decision, but it’s your life).
@Collegemom3717 and anyone else asking, for the record, I’ve held a job for 10 months now and have saved up close to 6k by myself. I would be using my money (not my parents money) to help pay with rent as well as travel expenses. Also, my parents are the type of people that would take away their support for my college education if they found out I was seeing him behind their back despite me getting good grades and staying out of trouble.
@Sk8tergrl483 Well you have your answer then, dontcha? Your life, your money, your risk. Still advise nixing the rent; 1-2 weekends a month does not a tenant make. Going halfsies on a date or something is one thing, subsidizing his rent is another. As long as you’re going into this eyes wide open to the risk of losing your education (either bad grades or your parents finding out) then there really isn’t much more we can say. Wish you well.
