Never thought I’d be saying this. I was in your shoes just last year. So excited that all my work had finally payed off, thought I would be having a fresh start with lifelong friends and memories…
That may not happen here for many of you. It will for SOME, but this school has a way of really destroying a persons well being and I’m not just speaking academically. Want to join one of the 600+ CIOs that those like Dean J love to talk about? Well many of the ones that are truly activie and allow you to form close bonds with others have a competitive application process like most things at UVA.
Maybe I’m just a weird and terrible person, but after spending so many hours through applications and interviews I’ve received nothing but cold rejection emails. There is a pretty toxic culture of competition and stress not even found in Ivy League schools. I suppose UVA tries to counter that with its support of the classist Greek system. Notice how I am not claiming any racism. There is SOME but not enough to generalize the whole Greek system. However, what I can generalize is a clear divide in classism and wealth with dues and other expenses and any one who tries to argue otherwise is unfortunately mistaken.
I want to love UVA I truly do it’s been my dream for so long, but this place has given be nothing but pain and depression. I take comfort in the fact that I KNOW I am not the only one here feeling that. But that is a problem in itself that the admin officers, guides, and other promoters of the school turn a blind eye too.
This place is not cheap to attend either. Efforts at shirking the socioeconomic divide have been wasted on weak financial aid. Everyday I am losing thousands of dollars (plus interest) and with that more sadness.
I do not have some personal vendetta against the school. Again I truly want to LOVE uva, but despite my efforts I can’t. I want all future students to just know what I know before making their decision. Again, I am not the only one. There were similar posts here a while back and admin officers and others will try to tell you every large school has individuals in this situation. But NOT nearly on the same level as UVA. This school has a very true problem and many are trying to surpress. It is very unlike other top institutions when it comes to toxicity. They will tell you otherwise, but PLEASE just listen before making your final decision. Those on the inside do share my beliefs.
I wish you all the best luck…as for me I am already a lost cause with nothing.
I am sorry you are unhappy. For first year students, they need to apply to the many organizations that are less competitive or non-competitive, instead of the most prominent organizations. Most first years will not get onto the U. Singers, the Jefferson Society, or University Guides for example. You can try later.
My son was not accepted into the first three organizations he tried to join in his first semester, but then he found three other less competitive organizations that he really enjoyed for 4 years. At the tryouts for one team sport, the team members of another less prominent team sport were waiting near the field and signed up the rejects (including my son) for their team.
Hi! Obviously, I truly hope you find greater happiness at UVA. But as someone who attended UVA and had zilch in terms of money, influence, style, taste, background, etc., I’m wondering why you are trying to get into groups that are expensive and may not share your values. I went to UVA on a combination of scholarships and loans and came from a single parent family where I was the first in my family to go to college (and eventually law school). But I loved to hike, and Skyline Drive was thirty minutes away. When I was stressed, I jumped in my barely operational car and drove around the nearby country back roads checking out small towns and cheap BBQ joints. I joined equally poverty-stricken friends for bowling, hikes, student-ticket movies and plays, football and basketball games, free falls festivals and dog shows, runs around campus, pizza and TV, free concerts and jam sessions, Bodo’s bagel study sessions, etc.
Now I may be off-base. You may have tried these things and you are still miserable. You could also be clinically depressed, which is worth learning about and considering. But maybe you are trying too hard to fit within the mold of what you think a UVA experience should be, rather than seeking out those friends and activities that would make you happy. My experience turned out positive enough that I am eagerly sending my sons - who were just admitted last week – to UVA in the fall. And I will be giving them the same advice I’m giving you – find like-minded friends and enjoy the activities that genuinely excite you, over which you have control and that you can afford. And if those activities and friends don’t exist at UVA for you, keep your grades up and transfer. There are many, many good schools out there, and you should find one where you can thrive socially, emotionally and academically. Life is short. I wish you the very best.
If you are depressed, you need to go to CAPS. Please go. There are people there who will help you.
I’m not sure how to respond to the financial comment about losing thousands of dollars every day. That doesn’t make sense to me. Are you not going to class?
Now, as for the CIO comments, you inspired the series that I started today on InstaStories about all the CIOs that have open membership. It’s going to run all week, so you should check it out. Open membership is the NORM here. Tryouts are the exception. If you only set your sights on the groups with tryouts (and I’m guessing less than 50 of the 900+ orgs have tryouts - debate, Mock Trial, a capella, UGuides, rowing…I can’t think of many more).
Look, I know it’s scary to step out of your comfort zone and put yourself out there and it hurts when a club with limited membership doesn’t want you. Within minutes of posting a story asking current students to help a first-year looking for CIOs that are open to hall, DMs were pouring in. Those people don’t even know you and they want you to check out their groups! One has an interest meeting tonight - the Blue Ridge Mountain Rescue Team. Check my insta for info.
One more thing: cut yourself a break. It’s been a couple months. It takes some people more time to settle in and find their niche, as @Charliesch’s example shows.
@Depressed54321~ As a mother, my heart goes out to you, My daughter is a 2nd year and it took some time for her to find her way at UVA, but I am happy to report that she is thriving and doing well. Please do not be discouraged and seek professional help if needed. You are never alone and let us know how you are doing. We really care!
I read this post when it first came out, and find myself here again. As an alum of UVA (back from the late 80s), my heart is broken. But, yes, I wanted to tell you that I don’t think you are alone. So many 1st years find themselves in a position like you at different colleges around the country. I hope you have gone to seek help AND, I hope you found one or more of the CIOs that Dean J posted about on her Insta story that were open to all. Sometimes it takes that step out of our comfort zone to join something different (that we never even thought of) and things pick up and many new friends are made.
To @Dean J I honestly am so impressed with your active role at the University above and beyond that of “just an admissions officer”…It truly puts a smile on my face to see how active you are with your twitter, instagram, DeanJ Blog and even here on CC. Reaching out to help someone on CC by way of social media is just one example. One can see you care…about UVA, the students, and the community. UVA (we) are lucky to have you! What a gem!
Sorry, but you are being disingenuous and know very well that those clubs you call the norm are not very active and don’t do a good job of integrating new members and making them feel like family. You know that yourself and won’t admit it. Here I am crying and typing this on Friday night.
You also clearly know what I mean by losing thousands of dollars a day. Despite living in the commonwealth, I still can not afford the tuition and must take out private loans just to survive. 100% of need met is a lie and yes I have met with the financial aid office multiple times.
Sorry for being a bit aggressive here, but I’ve had it here I can’t take it anymore this place is toxic and the administration knows it too. Can’t wait to feel great on bid day tommorow seeing those around have a great time because they come from privileleged backgrounds. Only 35% of the University you say? Ok now count in the non-IFC orgs, professional, and the NPHC. Then don’t forget to add in orgs like Uguides, singers, Jeff society, student council, athletes, etc. which all act as exclusive orgs that act similar. You and I both know these type last of groups have structured programs for new members which severely lack in other organizations where many members just use on the side.
I have stepped out of my comfort zone many times since arriving here, and yet I get nothing. You don’t know how it feels to go through this everyday here.
This place has sucked any excitement or life I had in me and it feels terrible knowing just how much I wanted to be here for so long. I can’t believe it. It’s disgusting goodbye.
@Depressed54321 A few years ago, we had some friend went to UVA, and she came back to describe her experiences in her two years in there. The first year, she tried to befriends with many popular people and joined many campus groups, for that reason, she went to parties and to drink, and that made her confused and not happy. She did described issues as you felt. The second year, she decided to join the campus fellowship (or something like that),which did not require competition or having money to join. She had not been to church for a while since her last two years in HS. But there, she found a group of people that were friendly and devoting to each others. She was surprised to find herself loving Jesus and church again. She graduated from UVA last year and was very happy.
My own daughter is a freshman in a top Southern private university, which probably is even more social and economic divided than UVA. She had same of the issues as you described, and was resentful about some of her peers having all those resources. But she then went to small group (fellowship), join some activities that were not requiring additional money. She actually decided to drop of sorority last week about the rush after being accepted by one because she felt she could find people more like her now than her 1st semester. i believe you could find your comfortable zone at UVA too since it is a medium size college with so many type of bright people. Instead of focusing on what people have and have not, focus what you can do for yourself and being yourself. Remember, college is where you learn, knowledge and life, and even a bad experience is a good learning experiences. Again, i am not trying to sell you some religion things, but campus fellowship does accept anyone want to join without any membership fees. And the two girls in my example above were pretty repelled by church culture after being grew up in church, but found sanctuary in campus student fellowship in schools that have lots of parties and drink. Good luck to you!
Unfortunately the social scene at large public universities tends to be a repeat of high school which is what a lot of top students hope to avoid. This just doesn’t apply to UVA, but since it is a top public a lot of top students tend to go there where they would have been better served elsewhere.
I am so sorry for the OP and hope that you find your way. While I don’t think this is just a UVA issue it does bring me back to memories of a dear friend who felt the same way at UVA 25 years ago. She described a similar culture and after 3 semesters transferred to another big state U and graduated happy. It was interesting to read this because she kept trying to explain to us about the same toxic culture and we just couldn’t comprehend how she could walk away from UVA.
If the school you first matriculated to is not a great fit, there are thousands of others to explore. It is OK to admitt that you have made a mistake and change course, even when it is a first class institution.
I think your feelings are valid and you should start looking to transfer. Perhaps somewhere more “regular” and less stressful, and where it’s easier to join activities and clubs. Good luck!
I guess by “regular” I mean less competitive - a place where he can thrive and be confident, and where “popularity” and wealth are less significant factors in the culture.
@Depressed54321@Vincent1997 Not every place is the right fit for every person. On the other hand, at a place as large as UVA, it is hard to believe there is not a fit for you somewhere. If you cannot find it, or if the situation is just too far gone for you, then look for another place which is a better fit. You will find in life that things go better if you take control rather than feel victimized. Either be willing to join an organization which has open enrollment-regardless of whether you feel there are a few or many-you cannot dispute that at least some exist- or take charge of finding what will fulfill you, even if it means going to a different school . You should go to the counseling center because it would be helpful and comforting to bounce things off of a professional to try to get to the root of your depression.
I went to UVA. Initially, I felt lonely and like I was an outsider. By second year, I was finding groups to be involved with and eventually it became home. Thirty years later, I returned to deliver my son as a first year. People who had been at the U back when I had been made a point of tracking me down and reaching out to greet me and to offer to be there for my son. I had been prepared to feel awkward, walking on Grounds all these years later and instead, because of the people and their dedication to the community, I felt like I had returned to family.
My son went to the U a bit begrudgingly and was very clear he would make his own way and did not need my help or guidance. He is not a joiner per se, he has no interest in the Greek system and is not a school athlete. He tried out for U Guides and did not make it, signed up for the tri-athalon club then discovered they were way too intense and he just wanted a fun personal challenge. He lived in a residential community and decided that was not for him. He kept looking and now he is involved with a number of other activities including the outdoor recreation program and while he is having entirely his own experience, and had some set backs, he continued forward, and as a second year, he loves it.
I hope you will re-evaluate your interests and options, both within UVA, or beyond, if necessary. Choose your path and go the best way for you.
I am so sorry to hear of your experience thus far. Last year at this time my child was miserable at his previous university. Was rejected from 4 clubs, a frat and was just not finding his way. I hope you have spoken to your parents about your concerns and the counseling center. Sometimes it helps just to have someone hear you out and try and work on solutions. My son finished out the year but he did put 5 transfer applications out there, He was accepted to UVA and though things had gotten better he did decide to transfer to UVA and is having a great experience. My point is don’t be afraid to look at other options and perhaps come May you will have either find your way or decide that UVA wasn’t such a good fit and will transfer. Try and keep focused on your classes so you do have options to transfer and some schools will give merit $ for high performing transfers.
I agree with many of the posters above, try out a few groups, maybe volunteer work or intramurals. Reach out to you RA. You will find your way. This is just hiccup in your journey and you will be better for it.
I wish you well and hope that things turn around for you. Eat healthy and visit the gym. Exercise is a great stress reliever. Please check in and keep us posted.
@Depressed54321 - I hope you’re doing better. What you describe, a child being so lonely, feeling all alone, the first year out of home, is every parent’s nightmare. Have you shared your feelings with your parents? Maybe you could have them visit sometimes. You say there are others who feel the way you do- Maybe you can try and find kindred souls among them. If I’m reading correctly, you feel you’re a victim of Classism, i.e., you don’t have access to the kind of $$$, and therefore, the activities that you really want to be involved in. Going further into debt to pay dues for Greek Life and pricey clubs is not something any sane person would advise, but surely, not everyone who goes there comes from a privileged background, not everyone spends money like it is paper. Keep an eye out for them, if you decide to stay on. Good Luck!
