Just updating. It’s been a while. I’m not doing great right now. I’ve been on reduced coarse load for the semester so far and thought it would make things easier, but even now things are incredibly difficult and my grades are suffering. Part of the problem is that I can’t focus and I have zero inspiration, and I’m in a major that demands creativity. It’s exhausting and I’m sad that I can’t do better for my professors.
One of my painting professors told me “when inspiration fails you, just focus on your craft. Perfect the mechanics and later the inspiration will come.” An yes…it is exhausting. So take care of yourself. You deserve it.
I know you mentioned starting medication in the fall. Have you considered switching to another? it’s very common to try different medications before finding one that works, and that can be discouraging. You’d want to meet with the school’s psychiatrist. Wishing you all the best.
Sometimes you need to increase the one you are on, too- or add another one. Are things bad enough that you would want to do a medical withdrawal (and have your grades wiped clean)? Do you have a psychiatrist at school who has advocated for you (since you have a reduced courseload, I assume someone is advocating for you). Are you seeing a therapist or counselor?
^what they said. And don’t worry about your professors…just worry about pleasing YOURSELF!
I’m sendin ya the mojo.
Don’t have any more advice for you than the good advice others have suggested. But, I want you to know that, like the other posters here, I’m rooting for you.
Me, too.
Just wanted to update once again. I made it to the end of the semester and it looks like I either have all A’s or 5 A’s and 1 B which is better than I could’ve hoped. I just wanted to thank you guys for your ongoing support and helpful advice, without it I wouldn’t have known that these accommodations were available to me or taken the steps to get them. Thank you.
Cancana, that is great news, excellent news. Congratulations! This is not only wonderful for the present but it is clear you now have a model to follow for the future. You have more than made it through and I hope this gives you confidence and hope that you can handle just about anything that comes your way, with the resources and people available for support.
What are you doing for the summer?
Great news! All smiles for you!
So I’m resurrecting this thread because I’m having trouble again. The semester’s barely started and I’m already getting behind in a few of my classes. The workload in each course has increased dramatically because I’m in some of the more advanced undergrad classes now, and I’m also entering into some of those tricky alternate-year courses that you really only get one opportunity to take. I am doing reduced course load again, but all but one of my courses this semester are absolutely necessary for me to be able to graduate on time, unless I plan on taking quite a few extra credits next year, which I’m already going to have to do on top of senior recital and all that.
I realize that a lot of music majors don’t graduate in four years. It takes a lot of effort. For some of the degrees, it requires taking up to 18-21 hours, which for a music major can mean taking 12 or more classes. It’s doable but only if you’re extremely dedicated and on top of things. I feel like my parents don’t understand this concept, though. In their minds, the only reason a student would have for needing more than four years is if they were slacking off or failing. They seem to be under the impression that a “four-year” degree is designed so that it can be easily completed in a span of four years, which of the Theory/Comp degree is just not true. I’m probably already going to have to take an extra semester or two.
Financially, it’s a little more complicated. I have a scholarship that is only effective for eight semesters. I cannot make up the credits I’m missing later on. For semesters where I am taking a lower course load, the scholarship is adjusted to match the lower tuition amount, and that’s it. So I have three semesters, and then I’m on my own and I either need to find some completely unrelated scholarship that can cover at least another $6,000-12,000 which is pretty unlikely, or I’m going to be taking out some hefty loans that I’m terrified I won’t be able to pay back.
My parents are extremely supportive financially and for that I’m very grateful. Without their help I wouldn’t be able to do this at all - I barely have the energy or motivation to keep up with all my classes and there is no way I would be able to handle a job on top of this. But I know my dad wasn’t planning to do this forever and I know he thinks that I should be able to graduate by the end of the next three years. I don’t know how he would react if he found out that I would need to pay out-of-pocket to finish my degree.
So the way I see it I have three choices and none of them are good:
- I can just take a leave this semester and pray the depression goes away in that time. The pros are that I'll have time to rest and relax and get myself together, take biweekly therapy sessions, maybe work a very simple part-time job that isn't quite so demanding as all of my classes. I'll also be able to "pause" my scholarship, and I'd be eligible for another three semesters afterward. The cons are that I've signed a lease for an apartment to save money because the dorms are too expensive, and my parents are covering living expenses. I don't think they'd be thrilled if I ended up not taking any classes and they were paying for me to live here for nothing. There's no way to break the lease now, so I'm stuck here. Another con is that I have no way of predicting or controlling my depression, and it's possible that I'll be in the same boat next semester. And another con is that I'll have to wait for some of those alternate-year classes to come back, which could be tricky. And as selfish as it sounds, I would really miss all of my friends. I'm scared I'd be left behind while they carry on with their lives, and I don't know if it would be healthy for me to spend all of my time cooped up alone in a tiny apartment. I suppose I could look for some kind of activity to keep myself occupied.
- I can take a drastically reduced course load (like, 4-5 classes for a total of 7-9 credits). The pros are that I'd have more time to focus on each individual course and an overall less overwhelming workload. The cons are that it will definitely delay my graduation and that I will run out of scholarship money before I graduate, and that I will have to wait two years to take some of the alternate-year courses.
- I can just carry on the way things are now and pray that I don't have some kind of mental breakdown and fail everything or kill myself. At this rate I have no idea how it's going to go. A part of me really wants to think that I'm just stressed out because it's the beginning of the semester and I haven't gotten back into the swing of things, but that's what I told myself last year, and it only got much, much worse.
I’m just kind of terrified right now. The suicidal feelings are taking hold again and I feel completely helpless and trapped. My mother has become a lot more supportive but I fear that her empathy is limited, my father doesn’t seem to believe in depression and hasn’t spoken to me about it directly even once. I don’t like my therapist and I need to find a new one, which in itself is proving really stressful, because how am I supposed to fit that into my schedule? And I feel completely worthless compared to all of my peers who are taking 9-12 classes at a time and doing internships and projects and jobs and having really busy exciting lives. I don’t know what to do. Any insight would be appreciated. Sorry for the wall of text.
For the record, I didn’t mean kill myself literally there, though I do feel somewhat suicidal. I meant it more like completely burning myself out to the point that I can’t do anything at all.
First, have you considered going to the emergency room at the local hospital? Suicidal thoughts are an emergency situation.
I think your health should be your priority right now. Is there a trusted professor or advisor at school you can speak with for some advice? I’m sure your school would work with you if you need to take a break.
Have you told your parents that you are feeling suicidal? I think your parents would take that very seriously.
I don’t know where you are living, but in Massachusetts, if a tenant breaks a lease, the landlord has an obligation to find someone else to rent the apartment, and the tenant who breaks the lease is not on the hook for the whole lease term. If you need to go home, don’t let the lease issue hold you back. If you are up front with the landlord that you have a health issue that requires you to leave school, I would not be surprised if he or she would agree to work with you.
Are you on medication at this point? Depression is like epilepsy in that unmedicated it becomes worse with each episode, and the episodes come closer as time goes on. That is what we have been told by several doctors. Medication has turned so many lives around, but it can be tricky getting the right one or the right cocktail. If you are experiencing this kind of severe depression, the priority is to get the meds right.
If you have a clinical diagnosis and have registered with the disabilities office, you have a right to extended financial aid to cover extra semesters created by a reduced course load. If your school does not offer that, then a legal advocate can help, but all the schools I have dealt with do offer this.
The lease most likely will not be a problem, but if you could see a psychiatrist at your school, and are registered for accommodations, perhaps something can be done in the next week or two with meds and you can end up staying. And certainly reduce your course load.
Do you have tuition refund insurance? Or is it still possible to get a refund for this semester? Or would you seek a medical leave if things are bad enough?
Only you know what the best decision is. But the priority is to get help and going to an ER is one way to do that. Your college also must have a mental health center. Tell the truth. You may need to go to a hospital briefly and that is okay. I don’t know what state you are in but if you want to PM me I can tell you the better hospitals and how to get into them, if that is something that would help you.
@Cancana: please update us. How did you feel today? Were you able to find someone to help you sort out this problem?