Dorm problem - Please help !

Prep School Admissions Prep School Parents
1

<p>Son moved in this morning. Everything is fine until we saw his room.</p>

<p>We were so shock. It's the only double room on that floor, same size as other single rooms but it's double and it's on the corner far from everybody.</p>

<p>Roommate was there (well, he's a big football player and mine is husky too). He's a nice boy and being very helpful. Son will take the upper bunker bed. His bed is only few inches to the ceiling and I think it's kind of dangerous because there are smoke detector and sprinklers and a huge beam. HE CAN NOT EVEN SIT STRAIGHT ON THE BED.</p>

<p>We did not bring any extra furniture like school suggested on their list - floor lamp, book shelf or futon chair. Actually, it's impossible to put anything extra. There is even not enough space to open the closet door if son has a laundry hamper. There is no space for waste basket so he has to put it under his desk. We felt this is a single but for some reasons they use it as a double.</p>

<p>We asked to change room but the dean just said: there is nothing he can do, it's all full now, no other room available. He even said it's not allow for students to read on the bed, they should go to the library or common area (go outside somewhere to read his favorite magazine/book before sleep?). He said after few weeks, son will be fine with this.</p>

<p>We are not asking "home feel" but at least a place son can sit comfortable after the long school hours. I really don't know what to do. Should I believe there is really no other room for change? Should I give up and son stay in the room (refuge camp, that's my husband described it) for the whole year? Or if I insist, will that make son in a difficult situation?</p>

<p>I NEED HELP !</p>

2

<p>You should figure out which school staff members are involved in assigning dorm rooms. At my son's school, it is the Office of Student Affairs and the dorm master. Then you should politely request that your son be moved if and when another room becomes available. State the reasons without putting too much emphasis on reading in bed. By the way, I think it's silly to be told to go to the Library. Perhaps someone withdrew right before school started because a waitlist opened up at their first choice. There is a slight chance that the dorm assignment records do not reflect last minute changes. </p>

<p>If they have another room available, they will keep your son in mind. It is possible that do not have anything now. Perhaps they over enrolled? However, things change over the course of the year. A few students might be found breaking the rules and get expelled. One or two might decide that boarding is not for them and leave. A few more might not meet the academic expectations by mid-year. </p>

<p>Your son can also scope out any dorm rooms that might be available and request them. </p>

<p>Be sure to keep checking in with the people responsible every few weeks so they remember your son's situation. Did you befriend the Admissions person who interviewed your son? You might ask that person what you can do. You might talk to the Headmaster's administrator who probably knows how things get done. </p>

<p>Anyway, I have never been in your situation. If I were in that situation, I would do what I suggest above. </p>

<p>After a few weeks go by, you should also ask your son if he still wants to move. He may become happy with his roommate and dorm and not want to move.</p>

3

<p>Thank you Burb Parent. </p>

<p>Yes, we did talked to the persons in charge both Dorm Master and Dean of Boarding. They said the same thing, have to wait if someone not show up or quit in the middle. But I felt it's because over enrolled.</p>

<p>I will keep on contact them politely (a little bit calm down now), I guess that's the only thing we can do now. </p>

<p>Thank you for your suggestions.</p>

4

<p>I think you should give it a few weeks to see how your s feels. He might love his roommate and not want to move. If HE (not you or husband) still does not like it, then go to headmaster and demand it. </p>

<p>From what I understand, they do not want ****ed families out there bad mouthing their school.</p>

<p>Our school's "bible" has several paragraphs on not liking room/roommate and it says the same - to give it several weeks.</p>

5

<p>After a lifetime of seeing that there always are solutions to things where it can't be done according to someone, I would think that Burb Parent's advice makes sense. FWIW I have not had a similar situation.</p>

<p>Also FWIW, I remember visiting a good HS friend at Yale, back in the day. THe room was much as you describe, one bunk bed, a single desk if memory serves and very little space. It was as small as the small bedroom of my not so elegant childhood home. Both friends in the room were happy roommates for 4 years (although they moved onto better housing after the first year), graduating Cum laude and magna, so the small room is not a recipe for doom.</p>

<p>As a mom, I would have been disappointed too.</p>

6

<p>As soon as some kid (male, of course) gets booted for drugs or an honor code violation, your son should have dibs on that room.</p>

<p>Also, trading rooms should be an option if all 3 parties are agreed.</p>

<p>But beyond those provisional plays, I think it's worth waiting and seeing how things work out. </p>

<p>But the most important point I think I can express is this: don't communicate your frustration to your son. You can feel frustrated and express those feelings to others (like us and perhaps the school). When it comes to dealing with your son, however, a different approach is called for. Listen to his concerns, and empathize with him. Encourage him to wait and see. But please don't feed him anything negative or fan the flames of frustration. If he picks up a vibe that there's nothing that can be done and he's going to be fine, then he'll begin to go about his business and do okay. Kids can live in some pretty awful conditions and not even miss a beat. On the other hand, if you badmouth his school or the administrators or tell him that he's in a bad living situation, he's going to buy into that...and nothing good can possibly come of that.</p>

<p>Among the upsides you should consider (and maybe pass along) is that a double means there's less leeway for the occupants to live in their own trash and squalor. They'll probably pick up their clothes before the mold spores are large enough to wear them and walk off... Roommates are also able to look after each other's interests...seeing the book that was left behind and bringing to to class, a ready social outlet, . My hope for him is that he'll develop a sense of teamwork and camaraderie with his roommate that will make the other kids jealous that they're not in doubles.</p>

<p>Help your son to see these upsides to his situation. That's the best and most important thing you can do for him right now...because if you let him feel the frustration and other negative feelings that you're (justifiably) feeling, you could really get him sideways over something that he might otherwise adapt to. </p>

<p>I think this sort of situation arises for every parent in one way or another and -- animal instincts, human nature and years of parenting aside -- your chief job as a parent is NOT to fix things from afar. Instead, your best and highest function as a long distance parent is to absorb the negativity, vent here and with others who aren't going to circulate it back to your child, and keep his or her chin up and feeling positive. Yes, you can still work behind-the-scenes to try to effect a favorable resolution...just don't make that effort the child's concern. Let the student work with the local experts at the school if they're going to be engaged in problem solving at boarding school. Your interaction with the child should be to direct him to those people and imbue positive vibes from afar.</p>

<p>IN THE MEANTIME...and even if everything works out for you, I would make sure that the school understands that you feel like you got the shaft and that you're going to be a good sport this time but they owe you all the same. Everybody has their own style for doing that and, frankly, some would just rather drop it altogether. Since this is a Parent's Forum, I'll let you exercise your judgment as to whether and how to communicate that, expressly or with subtlety, with a smile and cheery tone of voice or in a stern manner, etc., etc.</p>

<p>Good luck! And keep us posted on this and other developments as the year unfolds!</p>

7

<p>Agree with D'yer Maker, except for last paragraph.</p>

8

<p>What?!?! You don't wish for arling to have good luck and don't want to hear more from arling?!?!</p>

<p>Just kidding. I agree with you about that final suggestion of mine. It's really a very personal thing. I'd personally try to milk the situation in some way. But I'm fairly pushy by nature. No, really! It's true!</p>

<p>In all seriousness...if that's not your normal style, it's bad advice to try to do that. Heck, it's bad advice if that is your personal style. Then again, let's face it. For a naturally pushy person, it would be naturally irresistible to do what I suggest, even absent a little nudge from me. The difference is that those of us predisposed to being pushy are confident that we can somehow pull it off and achieve some net positive result. And even if that's true on average, the stakes are way too high to try to "game" your child's BS experience in that way. Just don't be a doormat about it, especially if things aren't working out after giving them a full opportunity to do so. I tend to communicate a lot. (Again, I know that's a surprise, but it's true, I swear!) And that means I am forever singing praises, but if there's a problem I'm inclined to bring it up, too. This being the start of school, arling has no "track record" as a parent. And nobody, not even us pushy/communicative types, should start off and create the first impression that they're the kind of parent inclined to battle the school over every last little detail. I stand corrected.</p>

9

<p>Actually,
I think D'yer is correct.
YOU are paying the school lots of Money and YOU are their customer. If your son is still unhappy after several weeks (again, note I said your son and not you and husband) then you should demand that they make a move. If he is unhappy after several weeks, then it is not a "little detail". I would bet he won't be.</p>

<p>However, I do not think he needs a bed "to sit on" - desk chair, etc. From my college days and what I have heard from other kids, there are lots of advantages to a double vs a single. I would also not count on many kids being expelled, etc. From what I hear, that is rare at most schools.</p>

10

<p>In my view, Boarding School represents the start of a new and genuine level of independence for the child. While life is still pretty darn "bubble-like," unprotected exposure to good and bad events begins to occur. </p>

<p>While we parents each have our own way of coping with problems, some more aggressive and full-throated than others (especially when it combines two of the things most important to us: our children and our money), I think that Arling's son should handle this dorm problem on his own, with some parental coaching behind the scenes. </p>

<p>I'm certain the dorm master and prefect know the situation is not ideal and would like to correct it if they are able. If I were advising Arling's son, I would recommend that he say something like this to the dorm head: </p>

<p>"If there is an opportunity to move into a bigger room or my own room, I'd really like that. It would make studying and just sitting on my bed easier. I'm definitely fine for now and will work around it, but could you keep an eye out for me? Thanks." Every week or two, Arling's son can casually remind the prefect that he'd like to move (assuming that he still feels that way.)</p>

<p>This is an opportunity for Arling's son to respond to a crappy circumstance with grace, good-will and independence from Mom and Dad. Arling's son will immediately establish himself as a good guy with a good attitude and the people around him will WANT to make it right. </p>

<p>It's hard for Mom and Dad of course. But just because the School costs a fortune, it doesn't mean there aren't going to be problems. It's not the Four Seasons (despite the punishing tuition levels). I'll bet that if Arling's parents encourage their son to deal with the dorm room situation nicely and on his own, it will be remembered by him as a valuable experience, a problem that he lived with and/or solved without parental intercession.</p>

11

<p>A couple more thoughts...</p>

<p>Remember there are 2 kids in that single, so I'm sure there probably is another set of parents who share the same concern. It is just as crowded in that room for the football player as it is for your son.</p>

<p>Your son might be able to milk some priveleges out of this as well... Perhaps study hour in the lounge?</p>

<p>You might also ask your son whether when space does become available (it always does!) whether he wants to stay in the single or get moved to the open space. I don't know your son, but if he likes the single, it may be worth a few weeks of overcrowding to get that single for the rest of the year. </p>

<p>My D prefers the double and likes having a roomy, but others are different, so do check with him.</p>

<p>And if it makes you feel better, over-enrollment is common at boarding schools (and colleges too - check out the threads on the Parents Forum there!). My D's school though usually makes triples out of doubles instead of doubling up singles.</p>

<p>In the end though, I agree with the above that you need to keep your son cool about things. It will only distract him from the more important things like his studies and bonding with his roommate ant the rest of the dorm.</p>

12

<p>After few days of " cool down " and phone calls with son, he still wants to move. Not because the roommate, just because the over crowed room.</p>

<p>He will talk with his dorm head and the dean by himself and I will keep in touch with school.</p>

<p>Today is the last day for registration, hope there is good luck !</p>

<p>Thank you everybody for your opinions and suggestions.</p>

13

<p>Just got a phone call from son, there is a single room available now but at another dorm most are junior and senior boys (he is sophomore). He will have a look at the room first. He sounds like doesn't know if he should move or stay. He said he will miss all his friends. </p>

<p>Is there anybody has similar experience? What are the BAD and GOOD for move out / stay?</p>

<p>ps: I told son to make his own decision, it's totally up to him. I just want to know if anyone has similar experience. If he move, what will happen? New friends or outsider of the circle?</p>

14

<p>Don't know if this applies to boys as well as girls, but this year goaliegirl spent her first 2 years in a dorm where all of the freshman girls lived and some of the sophomores. This year she is in a purely upperclassmen dorm. She likes it much better, as the drama is gone, the social scene is more mature, and everything isn't about the rules and getting kids with the program. </p>

<p>If your son is one who doesn't need that "extra" help with staying with the program, he may appreciate the more relaxed atmosphere an upperclass dorm will more likely have. If he needs more help and structure, it may not be the best move if he isn't good at seeking out that help.</p>

15

<p>Sounds like your s has made lots of friends in the dorm. These are people that he will live 4 years with. Going to an upperclass dorm will eliminate the late nights, etc with his peers. Part of the boarding school experiance is the bonding. He will have eliminated the major port of this - which is the dorm. I would think it is a terrible ideal.</p>

16

<p>arling:</p>

<p>I just sent you a PM</p>

17

<p>smile dog - Thanks !</p>