<p>“It’s not that I’m trying to force her to buy things – she told me she’d like to have those things, and they’re things I also would like for the room. The issue is that she won’t pay, help pay, or even help move things in if I did pay.”</p>
<p>Well, if she wants those things and doesn’t want to pay for them, then that’s tough nuts for her. She should not expect you to fend for all those costs. It’s expensive and much harder for you to take care of regarding transport.</p>
<p>I went across the country for my college, and I always tried to stay light. You find that there’s a lot of stuff you just don’t use much in college. Like aforautumn said, there are usually lounge TV’s that are more social areas anyways. Refrigerators are nice if you plan on doing a lot of cooking. Do you have a stove? If not, you’ll probably go out to eat or go to dining halls more often anyway.</p>
<p>Regardless, even if you chose to buy these things yourself, there’s nothing unreasonable about saying that they are your items. She wasn’t willing to help purchase or move any of those heavier/larger items, and doesn’t plan on sharing her TV, for example, and so there’s no reason why you should have to pick up the slack here. You can always store/ship the items at the end of the year if you choose to buy them yourself. Just don’t get mad at her for not wanting to share costs or whatever. Just shrug it off and think about yourself, instead. If you don’t want to share, you don’t have to. </p>
<p>However, I’d argue that you’re better off saving yourself the time and effort regarding the TV/fridge/etc. I think you’ll notice that a ton of freshmen find alternatives and function just fine.</p>
<p>since when do you decide who brings what after the fact?</p>
<p>maybe you guys’ colleges dont advise it, or its not the norm where you live, but from my experience, all of that stuff is decided on before moving in. i dont think there is ANYTHING remotely reprehensible about her actions–especially considering the roommate has already mentioned that she wanted all of those things.</p>
<p>Sure, the roommate may want those things, but if she isn’t willing to actually buy any of it and just rely on the OP, then I’d say that’s placing an unfair burden.</p>
<p>Have you asked your roommate how she suggests the two of you handle these things?</p>
<p>If it were me, especially if I were coming from as far away as you are, I would wait until I got there to get anything big, and then order it from a company that would ship it to the dorm. This is partly so I wouldn’t have to deal with getting big items from my home to the school and partly because I wouldn’t be sure until I got there what I really needed.</p>
<p>But although your posts make it sound as if she wants those six items there on the first day and wants you to buy five of them (and doesn’t want to share the sixth), I know that most people a little more reasonable than that. </p>
<p>So I would ask.</p>
<p>And if it turns out that she is ridiculously unreasonable, then I would just keep my head down, mind my own business, and buy whatever is most important to me with the money I have – if it meant I had to rely on communal TVs and microwaves, then I’d just live with it. It would be better than going to war with someone I’d have to see every day.</p>
<p>Do you have a cell phone? Do you think you’ll need to use the landline? The vast, vast, majority of college students that I know don’t have landlines. If she wants it and you don’t need it, I think it’s reasonable that she pay.</p>
<p>It does sound annoying that she’s doing that. Moving with all that stuff sucks (and she’ll probably have people driving her who can help carry it). At this point, I’d say just get what you think you’ll need and use and keep it as yours.</p>
<p>You’re confusing things. All you have is time. You do NOT need to figure if you’re bunking beds till you meet each other, see the room, live in the room, and then decide what you want to do. You could bunk it a day, a month, or 6 months into the year, and you could change it just as easily. You DON’T need to decide this over phone months ahead. Relax. I know you’re excited to be there, but you don’t need to micromanage the future from 2100 miles away. It just won’t work. </p>
<p>Everyone expects different things out of roommates. She clearly wants to do her own thing, that’s her decision. If she wants to bring X and not let you use X, tough luck for you. You don’t NEED to convince her, because frankly, you don’t need a floor lamp, a mirror, a microwave, a floor lamp, a tv, or a fridge. All those bed, bath and beyond dorm catalogues exist to sell you more stuff than you will need. And, in the case that it turns out you need these things, buy them while you’re there! You’re 2100 miles away, it’s unnecessary to solve all this ahead of time. And there will be a common room with a microwave or fridge (the microwave definitely). </p>
<p>And for the bunking beds thing. People don’t like to bunk beds, especially when they have significant others or realize the potential for significant others. Someone earlier mentioned that bunk beds are uncomfortable for the person on top and that they’re hard to clean and whatever, etc., on TOP of all of those it’s a personal space issue. It’s great that you’re excited to share a room with someone and you’re probably excited to be extremely close space-wise with another person, however she won’t exactly be happy to bring back a boyfriend to spend the night with you a foot from her. Bunking beds does not work. And it will be very inconvenient for the both of you. </p>
<p>And as for her using the only dresser, etc, whatever. For real. This is the way it works, people are saying draw a line in the middle of the room, that doesn’t work and it isn’t in line with reality. Some things are going to be moreso on their side, they may get the window with the better view or the nicer desk, you need to accept that dorms are a pretty lousy situation and that they are not going to be fair.</p>
<p>If there is a Bed Bath & Beyond store near your school, go online and order everything you think you might want when you get to school. You don’t pay for anything until you go to the store to pick it up, and at that time you can decide what you want to buy and what you don’t–there’s no obligation. This way you will feel better about being sure you will have the things you feel you want or need. You can always find a dormmate who would share a taxi with you each way if your parents are not there to help you move in with a car. You can also ship things to yourself at your dorm if absolutely necessary--overstock.com is quite reasonable. </p>
<p>When you get to school, check out your room and meet your roomie with an open mind. She might have come across differently online than she is in person. See how you get along in planning and arranging the room once you are there together. If you are still oil and water, or if she is just not into sharing (there are nice people who just prefer not to share for various reasons), just do what you would like with your half of the room, but do it without vitriol. Don’t make spiteful announcements along the lines of “Well, I won’t share if you won’t share…”</p>
<p>Neither of you need to ask permission of each other for what you want to put on your half of the room.</p>
<p>But if it comes to roomie contract time, take the negotiation nicely but seriously.
Do you want to require headphones if one of you wants to listen to music or watch tv when both of you are in the room? Do you want the one who wants to study late to go to a study lounge at a certain hour so the other roomie can go to sleep? Same for socializing. Does watching a movie in the roomie with friends take precedence over studying in the room, or vice-versa? What time do guests need to leave the room on weeknights or weekends? What policy do you want for sleepovers–any at all? Weekends only? One night a month?</p>
<p>One more thought–will your parents be going to help you move in? They might be able to quietly negotiate a few items with roomie’s parents while you are moving in. If it turns out that roomie gets her intransigence from her parents, yours will be there to nicely but firmly lay out your expectations as well. </p>
<p>But please don’t burn bridges before you get to them. Roomie might be really nice. Maybe she has severe financial limitations–not your problem, but your expectations are not her problem. Maybe she doesn’t express herself well on line. Maybe an older sibling had a very bad experience with a roomie and she is reacting to that.</p>
<p>Just keep an open mind for now, but take the steps that will help you be comfortable that you will be comfortable in your room no matter what.</p>
<p>Giag, from what you’re saying in post #11, it sounds like she’s considering bringing her own things and not sharing. Do the same. Don’t confront her now but bring all the stuff you want and pretend like you know she won’t be using your stuff. If she ever tries to use any of your stuff, explain to her your honest feelings and how you got the impression that you didn’t want to share (ex. the thing with the TV). Most likely she’ll feel a bit embarrassed after you have a stern talk and back off. I agree that you should keep an open mind and only truly worry about this once you’ve met face-to-face. Can you maybe schedule a Skype convo?</p>
<p>She sounds difficult. Good luck!</p>
<p>Btw. where do you go to school?? What college doesn’t give you an option to switch at least during the school year?</p>
<p>You guys are supposed to share one dresser? Well, if she doesn’t want to share THAT, then I’m sure the RA can help you negotiate once you move in. And how exactly did she convey that she wanted these items? How exactly did she convey that she was not going to contribute to them? I agree with another poster that you should ask HER how she wants to do things to get a feel for the situation. “Sorry, I didn’t understand your last e-mail about the T.V. and things. So, did you want to go in on some big items to share or not? If not and we’re just doing our separate things, that’s totally cool, just wanted to get things out of the way before my parents left me 2,000 miles away haha. Sorry for the misunderstanding. Can’t wait to room with you :).” </p>
<p>From what I know of the story, it seems like there might be some misunderstandings going on between you two. Because this is the case, I would hold off on making any judgments or opinions until you meet her face to face if her response to your clarification e-mail is still weird. Introduce yourself, have a good talk, meet some people on your floor, and then only later say, “Hey, I’m heading out to the store to buy myself a fridge. You sure you didn’t want to go in on some items and share things?” If she says no, just say it’s cool and you will buy your own stuff. </p>
<p>I know it’s really easy to get excited and want to have everything taken care of (when your parents can help you, etc.). But if you guys are having misunderstandings communicating over such long distances, it’s probably better to hold off on the nonessential things. Sure, a lot of roommates click and are able to work stuff out before moving in, but if communicating via e-mail and stuff is difficult with her, don’t worry. She could just be nervous/scared. Other posters are right that microwave, fridge, TV, etc. are not essentials. </p>
<p>(The ONE thing that is gonna be a ***** to do after you move in is putting in a carpet over the whole floor…but if she is being weird about splitting costs like that, either you suck it up and buy the carpet and share it, or just get an area rug for yourself. Even the rug thing is really not the end of the world.)</p>