Before my kid makes a final BS decision, I’m seeking practical advice and experiences with the items in the thread title. If you don’t mind sharing, I’d like to know how you (or your child) has managed rooming issues in a practical sense. For example, how have you dealt with situations where your roommate has friends in frequently for gaming or when you’ve been sexiled repeatedly. My kid is a serious athlete and good sleep is essential but obviously doesn’t want to be a jerk.
I’m also trying to get a sense of dorm visitation policies and how they differ from school to school. Reading about the various policies online is good but I’d like to know how it works at your school on an unvarnished level. It seems that at revisits we’ve only heard the official policy being restated. Are most students respectful of those policies? Does the school support and enforce its official policy?
It would be helpful to know what schools you are looking for specifics on. I am happy to answer for Exeter, pm me for more details. Having had kids there for 9 school years- I can give good specifics if you would like- overall - kids have had great experiences - but definitely some learning lessons.
I have to admit, I had never heard of the term “sexiled” before this thread.
Is this really a thing at the BS level? I’ve heard of “parietals” (an Andover thing, right?), but isn’t there some sort of “both parties must have one foot on the ground and the door open at least the width of a matchbook” rule?
FWIW, if any of my kids were getting “sexiled” by their roommate(s), I’d be on the phone to the dorm parents in a heartbeat. No one has any more “right” to the room/privacy than any other roommate in a dorm situation, IMO.
“sexiled” is something that has happened to my older (in college" sibling. I can’t imagine it happening in BS where there are rules and supervision, but maybe I am naïve and will be surprised??
Just want to say generally never heard of this happening at BS or at my kids colleges/ although if it did- my kids would not stand for it!! The great thing about BS is that our kids get the opportunity to advocate for themselves in a safe environment before they head to college. In BS they learn how to deal with communicating and setting boundaries.
I’m not even going to address the question of whether some students have sex at boarding schools. Unlike in college, where a roommate can be sexiled to the common room or a friend’s couch. every BS of which I am aware has a policy, separate from the visitation rule, which dictates at what time a student needs to be in his/her own room. Some rules may be bent at some schools - this was not one of them IME.
@skieurope I have already seen Prepfessions. Those confessions seem to be shock and fantasy oriented. I’m not seeking that kind of input.
From the few responses here, I’ve gathered that most people are not hearing of complaints from their students of being asked to leave the room at the BS level.
My kid’s school does not allow opposite sex room visitation. In fact, visits to opposite sex dorm common rooms are also regulated.
BTW: this is the kid of thing (in addition to many other aspects of life) you find out when you read each school’s handbook. I am very glad I did so for the schools we were considering… it very much helped me get a feel for the school culture.
I am with @sevendad on this one: if my kid were sexiled at the age of 13-17, the school might live to regret it.
Honestly, sexiling can and does happen at BS, despite nightly checkin times and rules, but usually among upperclassmen and since you are rooming with best friends at that point a parent is unlikely to hear or know about it. Even when I was in boarding school back 35 years ago, a different school than the one my kids attended, it most definitely happened. Kids “cruise” which means sneak out of dorms past check. Dressing all in black comes in handy as does having buddies with first floor windows. Don’t assume rules aren’t broken. These are teens after all. :-"
Oh I assume rules are broken! LOL But I also think it is unacceptable to prevent anyone from accessing their own room. I can see, however, the scenario you mentioned where the roommate doesn’t mind and is even an “accessory to the crime”…
I suspect this kind of thing is harder to conceal at a smaller school… I can honestly say this did not happen at my own boarding school… but then again, it was an all-girls school.
I’d be really surprised to hear of any kid being “sexiled” in BS. My kid is VERY open with my about what happens at school and this hasn’t been on the list of shockers. I can’t even count how many times I’ve been Skyping with DD and I can hear a knock and the door opens and it’s her dorm parent checking in.
@Momof7thgrader What grade is your daughter in? Dorm parents aren’t awake in the early hours of the morning.
I’m sure not all kids do it but it definitely is a thing. Given that it happened at separate boarding schools several decades apart, its hard for me to imagine its just two schools. Perhaps it because I knew what to ask. I bet my former BS classmates still get heart palpitations when they see a white pickup truck go by at night (that’s what security used).
If kids really want to make this happen, even the scariest, most diligent dorm parents will not deter them from finding a way. Trust me on that one. Yes, there is a lot of supervision… AND a lot of raging hormones.
I’ve worked as a dorm parent. I can guarantee you that we only know a portion of what actually goes on in the dorm. And, when I was in boarding school, I’m pretty sure that my dorm parents knew even less
I thought sexiling was only done in college. DS is a college freshman in a quad dorm room and apparently they have a group text akin to the old “sock on the door” when one has a girl in the room. Fortunately, DD is at Cate where most rooms are singles. Of course, now I’m going to be wondering who is sneaking into her room at night all dressed in black! Or maybe she is doing the sneaking… Maybe I shouldn’t have read this thread, burying my head back in the sand now…
