I have a list of all the colleges I would like to attend…like most juniors. The problem is that most of them are 3 to 4 hours away. I don’t mind…I want to live at college. But my mom doesn’t want me to dorm. She wants me to stay at home, save money, and be close to her.
But I really want to experience college at its best. I have offered to pay for it but she won’t change her mind.
How can I convince her?
What is the primary reason your mother doesn’t want you to go away to college? Is it financial or emotional?
There are studies that indicate freshmen who live on campus have a higher graduation rate, better grades, etc.
You might want to find some of those studies and show her that your desire to live on campus is due to your desire to do well academically, and it’s not because you want to get away from her.
Most room and board is 10k+/year. How are you going to pay for that without parental support?
How are YOU going to pay for room and board yourself?
I will work full time& get a scholarship. I can also get loans. I have also been saving most of my money since I was in grade school
Not to argue, @nerdgirl365-- I admire your willingness to help with the cost of college. But how can you be a full time student living in a dorm, if you are planning to be working full time?
They only loans you can borrow on your own are the federal student loans. They are $5,500 your freshman year, $6,500 sophomore year, $7,500 junior year, and $7,500 senior year. Even if you have enough money in the bank to make the difference for room and board costs, you and your family need to come up with the rest of the money for tuition/fees/books/transportation/personal expenses/etc.
How much money has your mother committed to paying for your education? Under what terms?
What are your grades and ACT/SAT test scores?
What state are you a resident of?
Agree, you would have to focus on the finances before you decide to dorm. Maybe you can work out a compromise (such as stay close to home and live in a dorm or if you end up commuting maybe you can do a junior year abroad/further away program).
You will need at least $40,000 for four years of room and boards. Where is THAT going to come from? Your student Direct loan amount will be $27,000 total for four years.
Will you be eligible for automatic guaranteed scholarships at any of the colleges on your list? If not, there is NO guarantee you will receive them.
How much will your mom pay each year?
All else being equal, living at home and commuting is typically significantly less expensive.
However, that does not preclude the possibility of a more distant school being less expensive even after adding the cost of having to live there.
If your mother’s objection is financial, then you need to find more distant colleges whose net prices (after any applicable financial aid and scholarships) are lower than that of commuting to the nearby colleges.
Do you live near a residential college? Maybe your mom will be willing to let you live on campus at a college nearer your home. I went to college in my hometown and didn’t live in the dorms, but I did move into my sorority house. My dad still stalked me … but that’s another post.
You are still in the searching phase. Keep your choices on the list but keep your mother’s there too. As you start visiting colleges, your mother may come to see your point of view, but you may warm to hers too. Go on the official tours, even for the schools that are just down the street. Ask your mother to visit a school just a little farther away (start with one 2 hours away, not 8!) Be able to explain why you like this school, and have a reason other than ‘it’s not in the town I grew up in.’
My friend’s son had just the opposite problem. He grew up in the ‘flagship’ town. His mother and father went there. His sister was starting grad school there. He’d been taking math classes there since his sophomore year of high school. He’d been to camps there for years. He looked all over the state, at schools in other states with reciprocity and finally decided, like Dorothy, there is no place like home. He lived in the dorms, and came home on Sunday nights to do laundry and eat. Fifteen minutes away but still the college experience.
Give it some time - good advice above. ^^
It took me over a year to convince my husband that our homeschooler should live on campus his first year. We lived next door to a state university for a long time. My H dropped out of college but when he was there he commuted. He didn’t see the point of living on campus (too rowdy, crowded, etc.). But after lots of research, and talking to many different people about it, he’s really come around and is excited for our son to try it.
The finances do have to add up, so that’s something to be working on and thinking about, asap.
If I were you I’d try to discern what your mom’s concerns are, and then address those slowly, over time. It might help her to visit some schools with you, and talk to some people, advisors, etc. She may have preconceived ideas about campus life that are not completely accurate. She may not want to lose you. She may be nervous for your safety. Lots of things run through we parents’ minds. But this is an important step in your life. You can have a great college experience living at home and going to campus; however, if you can afford to live on campus and want to live on campus it’s worth it imho.
Wishing you luck!
We need to know the reason why you mother feels this way first. If it is for emotional reasons you have something to work with. If it is for financial reasons there is not a whole lot she will be able to do. In this case merit aid would be your saving grace. The reason why she does not want you to move away needs to be provided to give you any advice.
^^Unless the mother doesn’t understand the financial aid available and just has an idea that ‘college is too expensive.’ I took one look at the COA of the school my daughter is at and said “No way, let’s move on.” After looking at it again, I learned a few ways to make it affordable.
CC has shown many times that sometimes the more expensive sticker price college ends up be less expensive than the cheaper tuition instate school.
Possible reasons:
- Financial - she can save money if you live at home
- Religious - Some people dont’ want their children to live in a co-ed environment or not to have supervision
- “Safety” - she may be scared of you living in the college environment that she imagines as depicted in movies (parties all the time) or is scared of assaults
- Fear of being alone - is your dad not living at home? are you the only child? If yes, then she doesn’t want to live alone.
- Control - she wants to be able to control you and not let you gain independence
For most people, college can be a step toward adult independence…you are still supported in dorms/dining halls but start to step away from home.
You need to figure out what her issue is. If it is the last one, you definitely need to move out!
You also need to find out what she will finance if you do decide to go to college farther away.
If she will pay for tuition but not room and board, then you will have to figure out how to do that…maybe pay yourself the first year and then try to become an Resident Assistant next year (they get free room)
If she won’t pay for anything, you need to find out how to get need based or merit based scholarships to pay.
What are your GPA and SAT/ACT scores?
Another option is to look for schools that are 1-2 hours away…would she be happy with those?
I strongly encourage you to find a way to live in the dorms as a freshman. It makes a world of difference, even if home is only 8 miles away like for me. Your mother needs to realize that your current parent-child relationship will change, even if you live at home. She needs to consider that as a busy college student you will not be home and would be spending time commuting. You would be taking time away from studying to commute, and have safety issues with all of the driving in all weather (colleges don’t shut down even when local schools do).
What about your father or other relatives? How about friends of hers with college kids, or coworkers, people from church et al who she can talk to? She is facing a lifestyle change and doesn’t want to accept that her child is becoming an adult. You NEED your independence, she needs to have a life outside of being your parent. Change is inevitable. She needs to learn how to deal with this significant loss in her life instead of holding on to you. I saw it happen with my widowed aunt and cousin- he never did have an independent life.
I scraped by living on campus and it was the best thing for me. She should also realize that you can (but shouldn’t too often) return home some weekends. Recruit others that can convince her the best thing for you is to leave the nest. For some saving the money by commuting is worth it but I sense other issues here.
Okay to answer all your questions…
Reasons: financial. But it’s a little different. She wants to save up money for me so she can give it to me for my own apartment.
Emoital: we are very close. She never wants me to leave home. My dad and sister live at home tho.
My GPA is 3.89 and I haven’t taken the SAT
I’m a bit confused. Is she wanting to you get a local apartment while you attend a local college. Assuming you get a good SAT score you should be good for merit aid. I would suggest you knock that SAT score out of the box so you will have many options on selecting school with merit aid. The lure of your parents not having to take out loans for your education is your best weapon. Good luck to you.
Thanks! It’s nice to get positive feedback instead of “How are YOU going to pay for it?!” Anyway, to un-confuse you, she knows I have to move out sooner or later. So she wants me to save money and buy an apartment when I am done with college.