Double or single for ASD kid? (or others with similar issues)

Parents Forum
1

My HFA HS senior is really looking to college as a new beginning. She’s never had close friends and honestly she is not the easiest person to be friends with. In thinking about dorms, she’s decided that she wants a roommate so that she will have one person she knows. I think this is a mistake unless she starts more actively using the school fb pages/apps to find someone she’s really compatible with. Even then I’m not sure. I worry that she’s seeing her potential roomie as an “instant friend” which is often not the case. Her older sis (college senior) even made the case by describing her own roommate history – no horror stories, but minor to middling annoyances and no friendships made.

I haven’t really pushed the issue yet, but now that she’s down to deciding which college (all meaningful decisions are in), I need to decide how much of a stand (if any) to take. I’m glad she’s willing to take risks and I don’t want to push decisions on her, but I also want her to have as positive a first year experience as possible.

I’d love to hear what other ASD or similar kids have done and how it’s turned out. For that matter any general advice regarding the first year for ASD kids would be great.

2

H and I were just discussing this same issue last night for S20, when he gets to that point. He is not ASD, but ADHD / with sensory issues that might make a roommate situation tough for both him and the prospective roommate. I’ll be interested in hearing what others with experience have to say on this. Thanks for starting the thread @snoozn

3

My kid too is considering a request for a single room for a different reason - intermittent SEVERE insomnia. I mean insomnia big time. It has reached the point that if she is awakened, she is likely to be awake all night. I just don’t see how she can manage with a roommate who may have different hours than she does. She regulates her own bed time very carefully to get enough sleep and she would never fall asleep with someone else awake in the room, even if the roomie is being really careful to be quiet… She uses a sound machine during the night that a roommate may not be willing to tolerate. She has seen experts for this and we are probably going to start the paperwork for the official request soon. But she worries…she worries that she will miss out on having that roomie to help her build a social life at college. I tell her not to worry - there is lots of socializing that goes on in the dorms that does not rely on the roommate and she has always had friends made in classes with study groups.

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Currently college junior with HFA. I’ve had a roommate every year so far (although, I will try for a single next year, more for space reasons). I haven’t really been friends with any of my roommates, but we’re friendly and live together without incident for the most part. All of my roommates have been school assigned (my school makes us fill out a housing profile and will match students based on personality/habits if they don’t request a specific person), with the exception of my roommate last year, who I chose. That was the only one I had problems with, ironically.

For what it’s worth, my parents were pushing me to get a single freshman year and I didn’t want to. I knew that I probably wouldn’t make a friend with my roommate, so don’t assume that’s what your daughter thinks. I’m glad I had a roommate freshman year- I wouldn’t have been in the dorm I was or in the living learning community (all women on my hall were in the program and studying stem) if I had been in a single. I think being in a single would be a mistake. And housing isn’t done truly random; schools do try to match people well based on what they put in their housing application.

5

@wustl93, good thing you’re starting early in the process (for everything college-related!)

@profdad2021, it sounds like a single is a necessity for your D since sleep is a necessity for college success! Depending on her school, she may be able to find a suite with single bedrooms. That way she’d still have her own bedroom. Some of the schools my D was looking at had set-ups like this and others that would have been nice for her.

@guineagirl96, thank you for the first-hand perspective! You could certainly be right that she has her own reasons and I guess that’s why I don’t want to be pushy. You make a great point about living learning communities. Each potential school has engineering LLCs and that could make a big difference. My understanding is that engineers often make most of their friends within the department because they spend so much time studying.

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Yes, my daughter is VERY reluctant to pursue the single option. But it really seems to be a necessity for her. We will see…!!

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My ASD daughter, who is a math major, is a freshman at UCLA and also insisted on not having a single room, although I thought it would be a good idea. I don’t think she expected to be friends with her roommate(s), but she did want to give it a try. She was hoping for a double, but, because of space issues in accommodating the large number of freshmen coming to UCLA last fall, ended up in a triple. The experience has been ok, since her roommates seem compatible with her (they are all a bit introverted and nerdy) but she is not friends with them. Next year, she is going to have random roommate(s) again, although she’s hoping to end up in a double this time. Hopefully, things will work out as well as they have this year as far as compatibility. OP, my daughter is also someone who’s never had close friends and she still doesn’t. She doesn’t seem unhappy though, so I try not to worry about it too much. I think the fact that she is living away from home and managing her classes and things like her laundry etc. successfully (at least so far) is a really huge thing. Maybe the social part will come later, especially as she becomes more involved in her department, and meets more people in her major. At least that’s what I’m hoping.

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How about a suite situation where each person has her own room but they share the suite? My daughter had this in the ‘freshman village’ at her school (as did 90% of all freshman, so it wasn’t just for her). There were 4 to a suite with a split bathroom (two sinks in the hallway area, then a toilet/shower on each side). There was a kitchette (but they still had to have a full meal plan and limited cooking was allowed) and a living room big enough for a couch, chair, tv. My daughter really loved having her own room because she’s rather a neat freak and the others were slobs. She usually studied in the library, but she did spend a lot more time studying in her room than the other kids did in theirs (or in the suite). The freshman village cost a little more and there were traditional dorms available with a variety of singles and doubles and private baths and shared. I don’t think it would matter much socially if a student had a single or double as they’d all be on the same hallway.

A friend’s daughter required a single, but the special program she was in didn’t have singles on the dorm floor that hosted the program. She got a single on a different floor, but didn’t bond with the others as she was not right THERE for a quick run to get an ice cream cone or even just a study break cup of tea. She was isolated and felt isolated. She did not return to the school for the second year.

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@Mom2jl, how interesting that we have three situations here of autistic students wanting doubles while their worried parents push for singles! All three of D’s potential schools are tech schools which have large numbers of introverted, nerdy kids, which is probably a plus. One of oldest D’s roommates was a party girl always trying to squeeze five or six friends into the room and they would ignore D (not in a nasty way, but still…). That’s the kind of thing that worries me.

I don’t know if she’ll ever have really close friends, but she does want a bit of a social life and is interested in dating at some point. She joined a weekly D&D group when invited by a girl she met at a tech camp, so hopefully that’s good practice. I hope she’ll join some clubs and study groups and get to know a few people.

Thanks for sharing. I hope your D will get the double next time – sophomores usually seem to have better dorm choices.

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@snoozn As the parent of an Aspie who had to share a room with siblings, here is my honest answer from the siblings’ perspective. I would encourage a private room. My ds is incredibly difficult to room with even though he is oblivious to causing any stressful situations.

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I have two HFA kids and both were told that we expect them to live with a roommate at least the first year; I see it as a growth opportunity, and neither of them is impaired to the point where I think they can’t handle it or they’ll make life miserable for their roommates.

My oldest is a freshman right now and met her roommate several times (and chatted online a bunch) before they decided to room together. They have become friends but also get on each others’ nerves, and both have opted for singles next year. I’m glad she had the experience; I’m glad she’ll have her own space next year.

My son is just going through initial registration and room lottery stuff now, and shrugs and says a roommate is fine. Honestly I’m a little more worried about his adjustment in this regard, but I think it’ll be okay.

Big caveat: despite some worries, I feel confident both kids can handle it. Not every kid (ASD or not!) can, so honest assessment is definitely the place to start. So, @snoozn, given your daughter’s preference here, I would encourage you to simply engage her in a conversation (or series of conversations) about how she may handle a variety of situations which could come up in that setting. See what she says, see if she changes her mind. If she seems to be being realistic and still wants a roommate, I say cross your fingers and let her figure it out (bearing in mind, of course, that if it really comes down to it, colleges will move kids around as needed, especially if said kid is registered with Disability Services).

12

^^I have one like that. We had to turn a family room into an extra bedroom because the stress caused by sharing a bedroom. I can only imagine her rooming with someone who knows and likes her already.

My college age dd isn’t on the spectrum but has some traits like APD and SPD. She had a double for two years. Her last roommate created a lot of stress for her by constant video game playing and movies and a boyfriend in residence. She didn’t have the wherewithal to advocate for herself at the time because she was overwhelmed by medical problems. The good thing to come out of the medical situation was that it wound up pushing her to the top of the list for a single, and the next year she was able to get her own room and the change in her was dramatically positive.

Not only was she able to manage the normal stress much better, I think she developed better friendships from that point on because she was able to conserve her “social energy” to use with the people she wanted to socialize with rather than having it used up by dealing with a roommate who was pushing limits.

13

I think this can be very important for someone who has difficulties initiating social relationships. A person “she knows” doesn’t have to be a best friend - but it is at least someone who is there to engage in a conversation without all the social niceties. The needs might be practical – “how do I?” or “where is the?” type questions. Or just someone to sit with in the dining hall at the beginning.

You are right to be concerned about whether your HFA daughter will make the best roommate for whoever happens to be assigned to her – but there is no guarantee for anyone. Maybe there are many who would prefer your daughter’s quirkiness to all sorts of bad behavior that can happen with college roommates.

I think the common theme here with the ASD students who want roommates over their parents’ objections is that desire for growth and a fresh start. As a parent it is natural to want to protect your child, and also to see your child through the lens of the person that you have known and reared – in this case, a child with some special needs. But ASD children grow up and change, just like everyone else – and part of that growth process is new experiences and taking some risks. Your daughter’s reasoning sounds logical to me – I was a painfully shy child who wanted a fresh start with college, and made a deliberate, conscious effort to be outgoing and friendly my first few weeks of college— so I know that a person who wants a fresh start is also someone who is probably willing to make an effort to grow and change.

Obviously not easy for an ASD kid - but that’s part of the growth process for your daughter (and part of the letting go process for the parent).

14

My oldest is probably borderline autistic. Never diagnosed as he functions fine, but definitely not user friendly. He had a roommate freshman year in what was a one bedroom apartment. He and his roommates lived together but were not friendly - the roommate ended up putting his bed in the living room of the apartment. (His roommate was even more of a slob than my son BTW.) Sophomore year he had the option of staying in the room and getting a new roommate. I never heard squat about that roommate. To our astonishment junior year friends asked him to live off campus in a house where he had his own room. That seemed to be an ideal arrangement. Unfortunately his housemates were all seniors and the guy who owned the house decided to sell it, so senior year he lived in a one bedroom apartment which is what he does now that he’s on his own.

All this is to say really, if your daughter wants a roommate, I wouldn’t worry about it. She may be disappointed that they don’ become best buddies, because that really doesn’t happen that often. I liked my freshman year roommate, but we didn’t stay together. My youngest almost became roommates via facebook with someone he turned out not to get along with that well when he got to know him. They had a lot in common, but also it turned out some differences that mattered. As a parent I’d try to help her not be disappointed if they don’t click. Just not hating each other is often good enough.

15

Hey Snoozn -
Thanks so much for posting about this issue.
My DS17 wants a single - he has lots of quirks and rigid thinking (which to me looks and quacks like an ASD duck, but he doesn’t meet all the criteria - in fact, just had testing re-done, and now we have no definitive dx at all beyond ADHD and a lot of confusion). Anyway, he wants a single room, and yet I’m not sure he will qualify. We’ve only met with one college about accomodations so far, and they definitely pushed back about whether this was a need or just a want.
I’m going around in circles - on the one hand, this would be a great opportunity to learn to be more flexible and have to accomodate and compromise (not his strong suits) - but on the other hand, as a natural introvert, he might be better able to adjust to the other demands of college if he has his own space.
DS17 has been abe to sustain 1 friend at a time over the years, although each of these friends has been dxed as ASD. But DS doesn’t need lots of friends - and prefers to eat alone, because meals are for eating, not talking. He plans to join 1-2 clubs at college, and believes that will meet his needs for socializing.
Thanks to all who have shared their stories so far. I would also like to hear from other parents on the single v roommate outcomes!

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From the other side, my extremely outgoing super social S13 got a very anti-social ASD roommate freshman year. S13 considered moving out right away but did not out of sympathy. It was such a mismatch that he still ended up moving out spring semester. Some issues were: the roommate had hygiene issues and the roommate got sick of people constantly coming by looking for or visiting S13.

Just our experience, fwiw.

17

Thanks for all the input – I wasn’t sure I’d get any replies at all! All the comments and situations have been helpful to consider.

As several noted, it’s also important to decide if she would be a good roommate. A very social roomie like @nw2this S would not work for her with people coming and going all the time. I think the idea of pairing a very social person with a very non-social person makes sense in some short term situations, but not for rooming together. Hygiene isn’t an issue luckily, though she is messy!

@twoinanddone, yes the kinds of rooms you’re describing are what she’d like, but not available at any of the schools on her short-list. One room she liked (at a school previously being looked at) was a room with a common area and two private bedrooms. She definitely wants to live in an engineering LLC and I can see why your friend’s D had a miserable experience in that regard.

@Mom2aphysicsgeek, D’s old roomie, her younger brother, happened to be sitting here while I read your post so I asked him if she had any annoying roommate habits. He said no, that he was the annoying one because he would always get scared and wake her up!

@yankeeinGA, I love the idea of having a series of conversations about “what-if’s” etc. and will definitely do that. I could picture her being like your D and finding she’d prefer a single. But as long as things don’t go too bad, it is a good life/learning experience.

@MACmiracle, I’m sorry your D had to experience a serious medical problem and roommate issue at the same time. “Boyfriend in residence” sounds like a nightmare. This is the kind of thing that scares me.

@calmom, I think you’re right on target with this being an issue of her wanting a fresh start vs me wanting to protect her from the scary world. She’s always been the most independent-minded of my three kids, so this shouldn’t be a surprise I guess.

@CoyoteMom, yes I’m going around in those exact same circles! Your S’s confusing non-diagnosis makes me think of oldest D whose school counselor initially thought she had Aspergers in second grade. It turned out she had nonverbal learning disorder which has a decent bit of overlap with ASD. Would be quite the coincidence if that is your S’s issue, but doesn’t hurt to look it up!

18

My son decided to have a roommate for the same reason. He is a sophomore and they are still roommates. They’re not best friends, but get along well. It was a very good decision for my son to have someone to talk to at the end of the day, at least until he was able to make a few friends. He has no close friends yet, but he does have people to hang out with. I think having a roommate can be a very good part of the college experience, especially for the socially-impaired.

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My daughter (introverted only child - not autistic) had a single freshman year and then lived in doubles in suites the rest of her college years. She wa able to make friends without a roommate. She slept much better in that single than when she had somebody else in the room with her (she generally has sleep issues). To me good sleep is very important and she was definitely happier when she was able to get that sleep.

20

Can I say I am so happy to find this thread? My HFA daughter is going to college this fall, and we are in the midst of this discussion. She doesn’t want a single. I kind of think she should consider it, but I’m going to let her do what she wants, because it’s her college experience. We have been talking about the fact that she’s going to need to be more considerate about some of her habits.

Also, having been diagnosed late in the game (middle school), and reading and researching adult outcomes, I have been SO concerned about the stats regarding employment. I think the autism societies don’t track the % of HFA who go to college, and who have gainful employment later.