Double or single for ASD kid? (or others with similar issues)

Parents Forum
21

I think this decision is difficult because it depends on a variable you cannot control: the roommate (s). The questionnaires and other input can influence it. But there is no way to know, for instance, if the roommate is the sort of person who will ask your kid to go to meals together, which is the kind of awkward thing that is difficult in early freshman year.

A suite with separate rooms is ideal but apparently not available. Not only for the obvious combination of privacy and community, but because early on belonging to a group is easier than negotiating a relationship with one roommate.

Be careful to investigate limits on choices that result from asking for a single room. For instance, one of mine got a single room but it was in a building far from the rest of the freshman campus, because that was the only dorm with singles. The inclusion in STEM housing would be more important than getting a single, for instance.

There can be speculative gossip about why someone has a single so be aware of that. A student in a single can feel left out, too.

I think many kids with special needs want so badly to be “normal” (whatever that means) and starting off with a single announces they are not, so there is a lot of resistance. I found that my kid with clear medical issues was not embarrassed, but my kid with ADHD and psych, issues was mortified and quickly moved from a single to a double to feel- and appear- like everyone else. (Many kids refuse accommodations altogether due to this same drive to be “like everyone else.”)

I would let your daughter decide. This honoring of autonomy signals a new phase that will continue and expand. The main thing is, nothing is written in stone. If there IS a real problem, it is often fixable (you could find out what remedies might be available) and it really is a learning experience. By junior year there will be a satisfactory residential experience due to lessons learned!!

Sleep is a priority for everyone, and a darn good reason for a single. Ability to work in the room, if the library isn’t close or if that is where she prefers to work. Boy or girlfriends are a big problem and require self-advocacy. Otherwise I think it is worth it to try a shared room if that is what she really wants.

My kids did all the different options over the course of 4 years and it really did depend on the other person or people involved in the housing situation. It’s a gamble for everyone!

ps to CoyoteMom: ADHD is an adequate diagnosis for a single; just get a letter from a professional requesting this and other accommodations (you can write it yourself and have him or her sign it)

22

When trying to rely on whatever roommate system that the college relies on, you have to keep in mind that even the best matching system is only as reliable as the information provided by the students. I can remember sitting with my son as he filled out his housing questionnaire, answering the way he WANTED to be, rather than the way he IS (like in terms of cleanliness!)

23

The issue with roommate matching is the same whether the child is ASD or has another sort of disability diagnosis, or not. Sometime it works, sometimes it doesn’t. There are many neurotypical, socially confident and outgoing students who find themselves paired with an incompatible neurotypical student – so the fear of a less-than-perfect match really shouldn’t be more or less of a factor with the ASD kid who wants to share a room than with any other kid.

Yes, the ASD kid could have more difficulty coping with and dealing with roommate conflict… but maybe not. Sometimes ASD kids just don’t care about some things that are very upsetting or distressing to neurotypical kids.

I do think that the key factor is what the student wants. Along with wanting something comes a desire to make it work and a willingness to try to adapt. The concerns are completely different for a student who prefers a single. The preference is going to play a large part in how the student perceives and responds to the situation down the line

24

I think people on the mild end of ASD need to be pushed to have more social interaction, not less. They need to be encouraged to continually work on social skills, which they’ll need later on in life. A roommate can be a natural, if not friend, at least acquaintance who can make college easier in its own right. I would at least try out the roommate situation.

25

I am following this thread with great interest. I have an Aspie junior beginning the college search, and she and I have already started pondering the single/roommate question. So many arguments on both sides. She and I have recently discussed just this point though - that she needs to be pushed to engage in social interaction. If she has a single I fear she will just hole up in there (like she does in our house). I wish there were a way to find a roommate who wouldn’t be put off by Aspie traits. Wondering if two Aspies rooming together would be great or disastrous :wink: And realizing that, much with neurotypical people, there is no guarantee either way, and no one answer.

My Aspie has agreed to do a summer program in another state for 20 days (a miracle that she has agreed to this!), realizing that she has to figure out how capable she is at going away, rooming with others and forming relationships in such situations.

26

These are a lot of interesting and helpful perspectives. And I’ll admit that I’m glad others have had (or are having!) The same worries – not that I want anyone to worry, but company helps. D has a phone interview for an honors program (speaking of already stressful situations that are even worse for most ASD kids!), so I’m not going to bring this up right away. She’s also very close to making the final decision, so I’ll probably wait until then, but I am going to have discussions with her. I’m not going to push her at all though – it definitely will be her decision.

@LxTE5VW, I share your worries about low employment for HFA adults. I’m glad D is going into engineering since that’s a field which has probably always had a disproportionately large share of ASD employees (just not much diagnoses until recently). I’m also glad she’s going to do co-op, because schools (at least the ones she’s looking at) are much more involved in helping kids find co-op employment. And of course hopefully the co-op can turn into a full time job.

@compmom, I would definitely want D to do a double if that was the only way to be in the engineering LLC. I had no idea that kids with singles were viewed with some “suspicion.” D is kind of going through an evolving process of how “out” she wants to be with her autism. She feels it is a big part of who she is and has said she has no desire to be “normal.” She’s been somewhat inspired by her school’s GSA club in thinking that it’s often (not always) better to be “out” and ask for for equal treatment and understanding.

When her sociology class was discussing stereotypes a few weeks ago, D talked about being autistic and the stereotypes people have. After class a girl she sometimes talks to asked her to stay back a minute. She told D that she was also autistic and was glad to find out D was too and thought she was brave to bring it up in class. Warms my heart! I think disclosing is a very individual decision with no right or wrong answer, but D seems to be leaning towards the Popeye philosophy: “I yam what I yam!”

27

I think the tell your child to not expect to BFFs with your roommate…set your expectations that they will just be a person they share their room with…hopefully a friendship will grow.

28

The roommate vs. single issue is one that impacts everyone. My absolutely neurotypical D and her first year roomie co-existed. D knew I wouldn’t pay for a single for her, so she applied to be an RA and had a paid for single for the rest of her college career. In her case, she hadn’t shared a room since she was a toddler and being the only girl out of 5 kids meant that she always had her own room at home. When she got to college, she found that having a roommate was vastly over-rated. I never went away to school but had to share a room with my sister growing up. When I left home, I lived in cheaper, crummier apartments just so I wouldn’t have to have a roommate. I even refused to share an apartment with my best friend.

29

I think it can depend on the college. When they redid 3 Houses at my son’s UG, they had lots of singles. People could meet together in the lounges,Then retreat to their single for rejuvenation No extra charge for a single.

30

@bookworm, that sounds like the ideal college housing!

31

@snoozn, in pondering this issue for my own Aspie junior daughter this past weekend, I came back over and over again to my daughter’s comments in the past about needing alone time to reenergize. I don’t know if this is how your daughter is, but if so, it’s something that really gives me pause about her having a roommate. I wonder if having a single will, for my daughter, actually allow her to be more social when outside her room (because she’s not socially drained by having to extend herself uncomfortably 24/7). My daughter needs to withdraw for periods of time to allow herself to function properly.

Another concern of mine is whether any true relationship will actually form with a prospective freshman roommate. I have a friend whose daughter was in a summer program last year and had a great time except for the fact that her roommate was a real “dud.” She then described the roommate and it was like she was describing my daughter: socially uncomfortable, spent all her spare time on her bed with her laptop and earphones on. A lot of people’s reactions to a roommate like this might be what this girl (who is a nice kid) did - she gave up on a relationship with this roommate and “coexisted” pleasantly with her in the room, but spent most of her time elsewhere with other more outgoing people. If this is what happens in college, having a roommate will not add much (if anything) socially for my daughter and will, ironically, drain her from being able to be more socially outgoing outside the room (in her alone time I think she recharges her “social reserves”).

Just wanted to let you know what I’m pondering for my own HFA daughter.

32

@Momtothreegirls, great point about re-energizing during downtime. That is the same for my D.

We’ve discussed the issue a bit now and she’s still pondering what to do. The school she’s probably going to has a women in engineering over-night followed by admitted students day at the end of this month. She’s thinking that she’ll see if any potential roommates materialize there or if she finds someone compatible on their social media app. If she doesn’t find a specific roommate she’ll probably ask for a single.

33

This is a reason we are seriously considering pushing my ASD son to a local community college, but I’ll need to drive him there. They have an honors program at least, and huge success with transfers to highly-ranked four-year colleges.

Drexel has a special program for students with autism, and I am sure there are a few more out there.

My eldest son got a single freshman year, but is in a suite this year due to a sleep disorder. He at least needs a room that has a closed door so he can sleep when his roommates aren’t sleeping.

I’m not on the spectrum, at least I don’t think so, but I couldn’t tolerate a roommate who had different hours than me and was discourteous. For example, I’d stay up late and be ultra careful to be quiet, but she was noisy and put lights on when she got up early in the morning.

I had to have my parents pay her off (and we weren’t rich) so she could move out.

I am more worried about my ASD son getting taken advantage of, not even necessarily by his roommate, but the “friend of a friend” worries me the most.

34

@rhandco, the community college to traditional college route seems to be getting more popular. My D will most likely be headed to RIT which has a support program for autistic students. I know what you mean about worrying your kid will be taken advantage of. My D is a pretty natural cynic and tends to be suspicious of people even when they don’t deserve it, but I can still see this being an issue.

How does your S feel about going the CC route? My D was firm in wanting the traditional away-from-home dorm experience.

35

My D also insisted on not going the CC route. She had seen her older brother go away to a 4-year college and wanted the same for herself. She was willing, however, to stay relatively close to home. She’s a 45 minute drive away, whereas her brother is about 5-6 hours away.

36

So glad to find this discussion. I feel less “alone” in my pondering. I haven’t even started to dig in to this topic with my HFA son. Maybe I worry more than he does? He has been homeschooled so far and all of these “new” going to college hurdles seem to be making me wonder if I have pushed too far.

We have worked through lots of issues by having him as a dual enrolled student at the local CC. But he hasn’t made and “friends”. Just exists peacefully. Has a brother for a room mate - messy boys room in there. I just wonder where is the breaking point for his success?- harder classes, self and time management, room mate adjustment, and new food (I know he won’t eat GF/DF if it is there for the taking), Shouldn’t I try to minimize at least one stressor?

His top pick is a WPI -Worcester Poly Tech- and freshman seem to be in mostly triple and quads- no suites till jr year. All he says about roommates is - mom don’t worry they are all geeks like me.

Second possibility. Small LAC with large affluent population and lots of athletes. They have an “autism speaks” club program - but that seems to reach beyond campus.

Or a commuter option at a local university. - then he would be home every night, but disconnected from campus in my opinion. - this is my mom’s vote!!!

I have enjoyed all the back and forth on this topic and it has given me some great insight and ideas!!

37

I think all you can do is try, of course using your best judgment based on your student, his prior experiences with organizing his life, sleeping away at camps or on school trips. My friend’s daughter tried it at a 4 year school and it just didn’t work. It seemed like it would as she’d been to summer camp for many years (sleep away), had traveled internationally with a group, was in a ‘learning community’, had her own room, etc. But it just didn’t work so for sophomore year and on she lives at home and attends an local university. It works out great as there is a train a few blocks from her house right to the campus.

Some of this is a ‘try it and see’ process.

I agree with your son, @5redheads, it is very likely his 2-3 roommate will be a lot like him. My daughter goes to a STEM school and a lot of the kids fall into the nerd or geek category. They find their own kind. Plenty of groups to join to build cement canoes or robots or play games with.

38

I’m a little confused, do some schools require a diagnosis of some type to allow freshman to reside in a single or does a diagnosis make it so they can only charge you the lower double rate while getting benefit of single room. My younger son is an Aspie and currently a freshman in high school but came across this discussion while looking as the site for my Older boy who graduates next year. (He’s not HFA, prbly cause he’s never been tested). Any info I can have for my younger boy would be great.

39

I begged my daughter with bad ADHD and major sleep issues (she’s messy, too) to get a single and she refused. Now, her roommate doesn’t like her (not hard to see why as my daughter really is a slob) and my daughter’s sleep is so messed up due to their different schedules that it’s affecting her school work. She still wants a roommate next year, though (not the same one, obviously).

40

I think if you request a single, you pay for a single. Some schools just have one price so those who get a single get a deal. I think the diagnosis would give you priority for the single.