Down to the Wire and No Decision in Sight

Parent Cafe
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<p>I hope you all will help us with your sage advice and insight. We are getting down to the wire here. My DD is clamming up and prefers not to mention the "C" word. When we have had conversations two themes come across--"I'm afraid to make the wrong choice" or "its only a school". She has cut back those schools still being considered. But I think she is torn for a variety of reasons. Perhaps some of your thoughts on this will help us sort this out.</p>

<p>First of all, my D is a very bright, eclectic type person. She naturally gravitates to math and science. She is also artistic. While undecided at this point on a major, she would like to pursue these areas and eventually hopes it will lead to a career incorporating all of them. She could be a straight A student if she wished, but has been able to get A's and high B's (3.9 unweighted GPA)without a lot of extra effort. When she likes a teacher, she will go the extra mile; when the teacher does not meet up to her standards (organized, involved, interesting, dedicated, etc.) she does only what she needs to do to get by. She is a natural athlete and performs well in every sport she has attempted. But she does not excel at any one--she holds back. We've talked about her fear of achievement and her most enlightening comment was "and if I make it to the top, then what? There's no place to go from there."</p>

<p>Socially, she doesn't fit into any one group--she feels at home pretty much everywhere. She does not care for those who are "prima donnas" or pretentious and prefers spending time with those who are "doers". She is into community service and "chillin" with friends. She likes to act "goofy" and make people laugh and would feel uncomfortable in the type of environment where people are too serious. Also, she is a "rah rah" sports enthusiast and this is very important to her also. She definitely wants to study abroad. And her preference is to head to a warmer climate than Illinois provides. She also wanted to be in a city, although recently concerns about safety have been coming to the forefront and led to the elimination of some schools.</p>

<p>She has always had difficulties with change and adjusting to new environments and that will come into play wherever she goes. However, I think some places may aid that adjustment more than others and feeling part of a group early on would probably help her. She does best when she has a base from which to operate.</p>

<p>She has narrowed (yes, narrowed) her choices to the following schools:</p>

<p>Emory, USC (CA), Yale, U of Miami and UNC Chapel Hill</p>

<p>Of these, she has a 3/4 scholarship at U of Miami, reasonable financial aid at Emory, Yale and USC and nothing from UNC. </p>

<p>Each of these places offers such a different environment and learning opportunity. Acceptance at Yale was a surprise. It wasn't even on the radar screen of her top considerations until she was accepted because she didn't think it possible. Emory and USC have always been at or near the top. UNC has lingered there as well and U of Miami moved up toward the end.</p>

<p>Any thoughts? Opinions? Observations? </p>

<p>Thanks.</p>

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<p>I'm not familiar enough with the "culture" at any of these schools to make a recommendation. However, if your daughter can feel comfortable at any of the schools, I would (a) go for the best education you/she can afford. (After all, that's the point of all of this, right?!) Which school is the best overall and/or the best in her areas of interest? (b) Go where you get the best financial deal. Why should she be burdened with more debt than necessary, if she has no clear-cut choice.</p>

<p>After making a decision, sit on it for a day or two. You may get a clearer sense whether that was the "right" decision. </p>

<p>By the way, tell your daughter that there are thousands of kids out there who would love to have her problem! She sounds like a great kid who will thrive anywhere and enjoy hereself in the process!</p>

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<p>Why doesn't she want to go to Yale? Emory is not a rah rah school.</p>

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<p>No advice, as I don't really know any of those schools. However, I can empathize with you, as my son is still trying to decide. At least he has it down to three...</p>

<p>Perhaps she can at least eliminate a couple and make it easier? It seems like UNC, with no financial aid, might be dropped, unless there is something special it has that she really wants.</p>

<p>If this is too hard for her to discuss with a parent, is there a school counselor or family friend that she could talk to, someone who would just listen to her. Sometimes just by talking it out, without hearing any advice, a person can start to realize what they really want.</p>

<p>My son will be visiting the last on his list in the next couple days. Then he will have been to them all, and I am HOPING he will be able to decide. If you are religious, this is also a good time to pray!</p>

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<p>I'm a Yale grad, who (many years ago) didn't expect to be admitted either, but have since regarded it as one of the best strokes of fortune of my life. Like dstark, I'm wondering whether there's a particular reason your daughter doesn't want to go there? Of course, if she's serious about wanting warmer weather, she won't find it in New Haven--but otherwise, it's a pretty wonderful place (my daughter's a freshman there now, so this isn't just the nostalgia of an old lady). Aside from the terrific education, one of the best things about Yale is the residential college system, which gives everyone a base and sense of belonging from the moment they arrive on campus.</p>

<p>I suppose it's too late for her to visit the colleges she's considering? Good luck; it's a great range of choices, and I'm sure she will end up in a place that makes sense for her.</p>

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<p>She knows she is fortunate to have these options. I think the whole process has overwhelmed her. It was fun when we were visiting and "trying on" these places; now that she has to choose one, it is much tougher. I think she discusses this topic with her friends, but so far they haven't been too much help. Most are going to the State U and think she should too (she was accepted there, but decided long ago that it was too large for her)</p>

<p>She hasn't ruled out Yale. But our only visit was on a Sunday afternoon last summer and she has heard all the horror stories about the "blue blood preppy" environment. I also think she is still not sure that it wasn't some mistake that they accepted her. In spite of her accomplishments, she is not always the most confident of individuals.</p>

<p>Susantm, good luck with your son. I have told my daughter that no matter which one she chooses, it will be the right choice even if she doesn't know it at the time. I hope that's true.</p>

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<p>This calls for a "Try it for one year" strategy.</p>

<p>All the quirky elements point to Yale. Their residential house system seems ideal for her particular set of social wants.</p>

<p>The Yalies that I know and love--ages 18 through 80-- are (mostly) not preppy and not blue blood, if that's any help. </p>

<p>It sounds like the intimidation factor might be holding her back--and she has that tendancy, right? So...I'd recommend she give it a go for at least one year.</p>

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<p>I'm with Cheers on this. The kids I know going to UM or Emory are different sort than Yale. It sounds like she got into her reach, her matches, and her safeties, and now hesitates about the reach school. It was no mistake. They must have liked her well-rounded qualities</p>

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<p>LP75, your description of your daughter is so vivid and lovingly honest--no wonder she has done well with you as a parent ;). </p>

<p>I don't know any of these schools really well enough to make a suggestion as to the particular school. You might search for "Evil_robot" (user name)--he is someone who agonized between Vandy, a UC and Yale last year and finally chose Vanderbilt and has written some wonderful threads on how happy he is about his decision (after so many people here told him he was foolish not to go to Yale).</p>

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<p>Wow - I imagine there are certainly reasons why one might choose not to go to Yale - but it sounds like the opportunity of a lifetime. Anymore, there are all kinds of students who go there. Plenty of rich kids, I'm sure - but also plenty of kids on financial aid. The one kid from our h.s. who went there recently was part of a traveling family entertainment/educational program - who lived out of an RV for most of her life, was home schooled and is an expert juggler. Not exactly preppy! Nothing against the other schools...but this is Yale! (And I wouldn't say the same about other ivies.)</p>

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<p>My S has a close friend at Yale who loves it. (And he's used to our weather in the New Orleans area) He will be studying in France this summer. Good luck, you have great choices!
Tabby</p>

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<p>Again, this was years ago, but I can't even tell you how intimidated I was--or how sure that Yale had made a mistake--until the moment I got to campus. Yes, there are always some rich preppies around, but kids from many other backgrounds too: Reportedly 42% of this year's admits are minorities, 9% international, and 65% applied for financial aid.</p>

<p>All good luck to you and your daughter. While there could certainly be reasons for her to choose a school other than Yale, I hope fear won't be one of them: Yale is really very welcoming to its students; everyone tends to assume, usually with reason, that if you made it this far, you belong.</p>

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<p>Hard not to pick Yale out of this group. Weather is the only negative.</p>

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<p>she would regret it if she didn't go to yale</p>

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<p>I'd say Yale. Despite the sunny California weather, the opportunities are just endless at Yale.</p>

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<p>Here's Evil<em>Robot's thread. Yale may be the right school for this young woman and it may not. <a href="http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/showthread.php?t=37237&highlight=Evil"&gt;http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/showthread.php?t=37237&highlight=Evil&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/em&gt;Robot&lt;/p>

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<p>I would put Yale at the top of the list if $$ is no issue. Scratch UNC for no aid = little interest.</p>

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<p>If she REALLY enjoys a laid-back, non-pretentious but still challenging atmosphere & also wants rah-rah sports and warm weather, then you might move U Miami and USC up the list, along with UNC. But I agree w/ others that with no aid from UNC, she could drop it off entirely. USC & Miami also have nice city environments which she considers imp.</p>

<p>Don't worry, she WILL make a choice and do well with it, whichever school is chosen</p>

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<p>Your daughter sound very much like my son-he chose UMiami. On our last visit down there he remarked that he was surprised at how down to earth the kids seemed. The combination of great academics, school spirit and sports programs made it a great fit and the latin culture in the area gives a real taste of a study abroad.</p>

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<p>Everyone seems to be dealing with the differences in the schools. I want to deal with the persoanlity - I see much of my DD here. She, too, was terrified of making the wrong decision. She also wanted to go to a different climate, and for a period of time, refused to talk about it - saying when the time came she would make the decision. Meantime, we went and overnighted, etc., but little discussion went on. In her case, she knew where she wanted to go, but the $ wasn't there, so she had to make a huge mind shift - disappointment, disillusionment, etc. She went to an overnight alone, and called, excited - she knew this was the place for her! I was thrilled. She failed to call me the next day, and in fact, turned off her phone, so she didn't get my messages. When I picked her up from the airport, it was "Don't talk about it. I am pretty sure that is where I will be going...but..." It took a while, but after asking what was wrong, why she wouldn't talk to me, etc., she finally said it was the whole college thing and going away, what would she do without me? She's been away from home, but never for longer than 2 weeks. With all the excitement of being accepted, the disappointment, etc., we parents, in our pride, supportive roles, etc., forget that this is a scary time for our kids, too, as the enormity of their decision hits them. Some get hit later, some don't until after we are gone from campus. Some may never feel this. Your D and mine were hit earlier. That's OK. Give her a bit of time. Fed Ex runs 24 hours. No pressure. Make yourself available to her to LISTEN, not discuss. Slowly, she started to bring things up, and the decision has become more firm and she brings up a tidbit of the visit every now and then. By not judging, I am allowing her to use me as a sounding board, so she hears her own arguments pro and con, not mine. The decision will be made, on her terms, not on yours.</p>