Downsides to being an exceptional student, musician, or athlete (or all 3!)

Parents Forum
41

<p>Downside is when you have two siblings -- both kind, caring, bright, and hardworking, but one is quite academically gifted.</p>

<p>Even though elder daughter is proud of younger sister, it is hard to watch as one child gets awards and kudos for just what comes naturally to her while the other's accomplishments are often overlooked.</p>

<p>As a parent, I sometimes want to say, "They are both wonderful."</p>

<p>I will say the experience of having one very academically gifted child and one ordinary bright child has made me sensitive to the many talented students in our schools who live outside the spotlights.</p>

42

<p>my son has always been very competitive - and I see many people who see it as a negative. I must say that I myself am puzzled by his behavior sometimes - since I'm not very competitive myself. The good part about it is that it helps him to work hard and excel. The bad part is that he HATES losing - and just can't seem to figure out how to deal with it when he does. Such drama when he loses in his individual sport. Through the years, I really didn't know what do - but learned to just let him calm down on his own. This behavior goes WAY back (crying when he struck out at t-ball, turning everything into a contest as a toddler). I think it was there when he was born. We don't encourage it - have always tried to balance it - but it's just part of him.</p>

43

<p>I absolutely agree, JHS. In my post I was mostly talking about my D's sport: track. A parallel idea to your point in that world would be still feeling good if you improved your fitness level and dropped time, even if you didn't win the race.</p>

<p>Back to a previous point. Working very hard to achieve excellence in a field is not always fun. Rather, it requires much dedication and sacrifice. There is a PC idea that if the kid isn't having fun, then something is wrong and he should give up the activity. My D doesn't agree. She says that training and racing is not much fun at all for her. But she wants to continue because the fun comes from being with friends in the locker room before and after, and of course, it is fun to get a good time and/or to win.</p>

44

<p>There was a wonderful Jules Feiffer cartoon from around 1960 (I think) that my parents had. It was an extended "short story" about an American track and field athlete who was the most gifted athlete ever. He goes to the Olympics, and precisely equals the times/distances of all the Soviet champions. People ask him why he didn't beat them, and he says "Why does someone always have to lose? Besides, do you know how hard it is to throw a discus precisely _<em>' _</em>"?"</p>

<p>Of course, he is universally reviled. The story ends with the athlete asking plaintively, "Does anyone have any world records they want tied?"</p>

45

<p>"'--if a child is "at the top", there will always be people who are openly or secretly desirous of seeing him fail' </p>

<p>'People don't. They don't care about others. They care about themselves.' "</p>

<p>The reason why they want to see the top kid fail is because they care about themselves and want to get ahead.</p>

46

<p>
[quote]
When you want to "win", almost by definition you are going to shape your behavior to societal norms, which may be transient or in some cases misguided.

[/quote]
</p>

<p>This is an essential truth for all artists, including architects. Play the Fame Game and your work goes to hell. It's a big issue for me as a working architect and I'm nearly 50!</p>

<p>As for kids GFG, I tend to agree with those who keep a more balanced view. I wouldn't bin their caution so quickly.</p>

<p>I've seen a few wildly talented kids in my day--and more often than not, the parents are oblivious to the kid's faults. More often than not, the parents set up conversations to draw praise from bystanders. It's annoying. </p>

<p>Every once in a while someone tells me that one or the other of my kids is off the charts talented. Shocks the boots off of me, frankly. From my perspective, they have brilliant streaks--right in there with the ugly faults that make them human. I feed the brilliance but I spend three times the effort trying to help them soften their faults.</p>

<p>I will tell you something else for free. Early bloom and early recognition can be dangerous to the development of a proper adult perspective. My brother was a locally recognized superstar--picture the Dalai Lama as a brilliant mathmetician/programmer and you have the picture. Adults couldn't stop telling him how amazing he was--and it was bloody true--he was a real winner. I'm not sure I've ever met the same blend of humanitarian genius--though I have read about a few who developed into humanitairan geniuses--(Paul Farmer comes to mind).</p>

<p>Fast forward to a few bumps thirty years later, as my brother becomes a father and hits the dot com bust. Whoops. He can't do failure. In fact, he's sure he isn't failing because he's sure no one but him can divine reality. He's sure he's the nearest thing to divine. That's the message he ingested from his overly adoring parents and teachers and bosses. At 46, he's a warped mess. Worst of all, he's a messy father.</p>

<p>That's what it comes down to for me. The awards, the lead in the play, the captain of the team, the acclaim, the nice colleges--it's all great. I am happy my boys are oriented toward thinking, creative, intellectual lives. </p>

<p>But really, what kind of parent will they be to my grandchildren? That's my bottom line--and genius is irrelevant in that category.</p>

47

<p>cheers, too bad your brother didn't play sports. It the easiest way for kids to learn how to lose. Because every athlete does.</p>

48

<p>My brother played sports. The key difference in his life was the level of admiration he received from adults.</p>

49

<p>I agree that success that comes too easily and too early is detrimental to a child's development. My husband and I have laughingly referred to our younger son as "the golden child" because it seemed as if anything he tried just turned out well, while his older brother has had to work very hard for everything. The end result of the younger child being so successful early on is that it has made him hesitant to try any new activity unless he is very sure that he will be outstanding at it. </p>

<p>The other side of the coin is that our older son who had to deal with the frustration of never feeling as successful as his younger sibling has learned that hard work pays off and is graduating from college this spring after having a very successful and fulfilling college experience.</p>

50

<p>First off, I'm shocked. I think I actually like Cheers post #46. Either that or my reading comprehension is going. :)</p>

<p>JHS, Jules Feiffer was great and that's a great cartoon you mentioned. </p>

<p>This is slightly off topic, but did you ever see the Feiffer cartoon about the life cycle of a female human?</p>

51

<p>I have seen this issue from both sides. I have a D who has received tons of accolades in sports and academics and is one of those towards whom others experienced envy. Even her sisters resent, at times, that everything comes easily to her.</p>

<p>BUT, everything does not come easily to her, she just has an amazing attitude and never dwells on the negative, not that she cultivated that, she was born this way. She lives in the moment and gives all of herself to her endeavors- she does not get everything she wants and she may even have her own version of a fit when she does not get something she really wants, but she is then over it. Coaches love her because there are no girly dramatics, she just wants to win and wants the coach to tell her how to improve; she is often captain and MVP and all star and selected for local, regional, state, and even a national team. It looks from the outside that it is all easy, but it is not, it is her attitude that makes it look easy.</p>

<p>In early years, the parent of her best friend was heard sabotaging D to a coach at a travel team try out, his D had been envious and he was ensuring his D got the spot (which she did) His D is a good little athlete, but in the long term, D played that sport through HS, was team captain, and starred in other sports, while his D did not play in HS, is a very good athlete, but it is not her passion. I never told the Dad that his comments were overheard and the girls are still friends, though the parents have "drifted apart" :D It was scary that some one I had known for so many years could do that.</p>

<p>On the other hand, my other D wanted to have all the awards and accolades of her sister, but seemed to fall short, why? She was not blessed with the physical and even more, the emotional gifts of her sister, she wished she was- don't we all wish we were better at something sometimes-but she did not have the basics physically nor the personality to compete that way.</p>

<p>IN retrospect, I wish I could have helped the less sporty D deal better with her self-disappointment. In a nutshell, D who wished for the ability focused on the AWARD, whereas the D who recieved the awards focused on the moment and the awards came out of her intensity. The fun comes from the moment, the exertion of a passion, the people who see you in the paper are fixating on the trappings and that is not the point. Fixating on winning awards does not utilse a passion, focusing on being the best at the passion does.</p>

<p>My highly awarded D barely cares about being in the newspaper, rarely mentions her being honoured at assmeblies, etc. and is extremely humble. She is playing her club sport in college and has played for the US and even got All-American status as a freshman, but when she is told she is doing great, she tells me she is nothing compared to friend XYZ who is training for the Olympics, or friend ABC who is running a 40 in whatever time. She sees the successes of those around and "above" her and does not see herself as being that amazing. I, knowing the genetics I passed down :D, do know how amaazing her abilities are!</p>

<p>Even though D is humble, others have been envious, I think it is because they sincerely do not understand why it is always my D, why her? Why not them or their kid? No one ever tells you what is wrong with you when you are riding the bench, no one ever sits down and connects with you and explains why your attitiude is holding you back or that you simply do not run fast enough or you cannot dribble or whatever....so many kids who are very good, but not great do not understand why not, and it is not until you see some one go through being great that you understand what it is. It's too bad there is no way for coaches/parents/etc to share exactly what is going on with the player who is 2nd best...but that would be so Not-PC! </p>

<p>Sometimes, too, it is just plain favortism that results in the envy, not really talent, just a kid being liked better.</p>

<p>Athlete D had a friend who had never been very athletic and who discovered a gift in a sport on a very good team in a smaller sport. This girl had the most amazing growth of self-confidence and self-esteem through her athletic prowess. She accomplished it in a very supportive environment. Friend also went through the "lording it over others" and policiticking for awards phase that some do and was incredibly annoying to every one on the team for quite some time.</p>

<p>This is a bit of a tangent to the topic, but I did see other parents wonder why it was always my D who was being honored at school. </p>

<p>Also, it was very tough for littlest sis who was at the same school when D was at her peak and littlest D is not interested in sports, but every one wanted her to be, they wanted to have another athlete like sis coming up. Littlest D avoiding any competitive sports! People would just stop her and tell her how amazing her sister is.....why? Why rub it in? Luckily little sis has a personality that allowed that not to be damaging, but if she had had the personality of oldest she would have been so damaged by it!!</p>

<p>Stars get no sympathy when they do hit disappointments along the way.</p>

<p>Parents of stars have to endeavor early on to make sure their baby does not think life revolves around them or they risk breeding a monster. We have seen a few amazing kids who would have been much more amazing had they not believed they walked on water- they just think they are more special than the rest and that is a kid many want to see humbled :(</p>

52

<p>Oh, also, athlete D has an LD, so always had to work very hard, though is very bright. I think that really helped keep her balanced and humble...not a good thing if one never has to work hard. When school work got harder and other bright kids did not know how to handle the more difficult work load, LD D was accustomed to working hard and did not really notice the more difficult material.</p>

53

<p>Another downside- Kids who receive a lot of accolades for their achievements and abilities sometimes come to believe their self-worth is completely dependent upon their achievements. I think this is especially true if they had a lot of early success that didn't require a lot of effort. This is likely what did in Cheer's brother.<br>
This type of person sometimes appears self-motivated and driven, but what they really are afraid of is stopping. Then what/who will they be, and will anyone care about them?<br>
Obsessive perfectionism is often the result, and is not limited only to "superstars."</p>

54

<p>I liked cheers' #46 very much also.
Very moving story.</p>

55

<p>There was an excellent documentary recently about the now grown-up kids who played Annie on Broadway. Without exception they all thought that this was the START of something big, not the height of the fame they would achieve in their lifetimes. It was more than a little moving.
There is a famous short story about a high school football player whose pinnacle in life was a particular game. Anybody remember it?</p>

56

<p>My son is a good student academically, but blessed with having a phenomenal memory (borderline photographic), and being an exceptionally talented musician. His memory has allowed him to sight read at what professional musicians have called "one of the best sight readers I've ever seen". He crucifies himself constantly for the smallest errors, and doesn't allow himself the luxury of a simple mistake, not because of being human, but for perceived loss of esteem if his peers see him goof up every now and then.</p>

<p>He's far too hard on himself.</p>

57

<p>No, but the movie "Everybody's All American" (Dennis Quaid, Jessica Lange) has the same message.</p>

58

<p>One downside to having multiple talents is having to spend time practicing (while clueless people assure you you shouldn't have to practice cause you're "so good.")</p>

<p>The other downside is having to choose one thing to be good at. A friend's daughter is actually quite good at ballet, violin, AND singing. Really unfair set of skills she was blessed with. But she hates having to decide what to specialize in and what to let go of. You just can't achieve world-class mastery of everything.</p>

59

<p>Haha dstark. I keep telling you to know me before you judge me. ;) </p>

<p>My brother was intellectually gifted as a child but he worked hard--on principal. He practiced piano for hours. He re-wrote his essays for hours. He put in tremendous hours as a social activist. His work ethic was part of what drew so much adult admiration.</p>

<p>The only thing that appeared to come easy to him was his humantarian heart. Massive thing. From the perspective of a 'little dickens', that heart came from outer space. I remember pleading with him when I was 8 and he was 5. I asked him to act more like a regular kid so that our mother wouldn't be so hard on her other 'little dickens'. </p>

<p>That heart made the rest of us look like juvie candidates. Crikey.</p>

<p>Naturally, he agreed to my request. He was that good. However, my mother got wind of it and--woo boy. She was not pleased about my strong-arming.</p>

60

<p>My older S floated through school with ease. He made it all seem effortless. He did not always make straight A's and didn't mind that. He had the ability to if he had wanted that but he was into lots of other things. He was a charmer and teachers loved him. He gradated 6/450 and I never saw him crack a book during Senior year. He didn't think of himself as the smart guy. He sees himself as the "regular guy" who just happens to be smart. </p>

<p>Being that "regular guy". He ran around with a bunch of other "regular guys" doing regular high school guy stuff. Whenever the guys did some regular guy stunt (think....going fishing in a restricted area by the nuclear plant because fish like the hot hole, only to be accosted by the police and sent packing) when word got out, it seemed that everyone I know would feel the need to tell me that they heard S was with a group that did so and so and they just couldn't believe he would be in on that....not the "smart guy".<br>
S got so sick of that that I think he sometimes wished he wasn't so smart so he wouldn't always be held to a different standard, although he never let his grades drop because he had a career goal from an early age. He refused to apply to any schools other than state universities because he wanted to be with "regular guys". He is a Dean's List student on a full scholarship but at a school of 30,000, nobody really knows or cares. He likes that.</p>