I lived 3 or so blocks away from my Dad’s mother and stepdad when was growing up. I am generally not nostalgic about growing up in a small town (lots of downsides) but I adored my grandparents. H’s grandparents lived a block or so away from him.
We raised our kids 800 miles from both sets of grands. Honestly we could have used the help when the kids were both little and we were both working. And while we made a point of taking the kids to see family as often as possible, it really wasn’t the same as if they could have seen each other on more of a day to day level.
2 Likes
I think what one experienced themselves definitely factors into expectations. I only had one grandmother, and she lived pretty far away. She came and stayed with us for two weeks at Christmas every year. I loved that time with her, and it certainly seemed like enough. We might have gone to see her one other time during the year sometimes but not every year. So that was, “normal,” to me.
My dh grew up very near both sets of his grandparents. Lots of cousins on his mother’s side. But, once the grandparents died, the cousins did not stay connected at all.
My ds lives in CA. We are in FL. I may feel very different if and when he has any children, but I feel like seeing him a couple of times a year is perfectly adequate. We FaceTime once a week on the phone. Text periodically.
On the other hand, our good friends down here have three adult children. Two have remained local and work in their family business. The third is about three hours away with his wife and new baby. Previously, before they had the baby they lived in NJ and worked in NY. She really didn’t like that even though they all saw each other far more frequently than we see ds. Now that they are closer (and with a baby), my friend laments if they go a month without seeing them. TBH, I am often unsure whether I find that ridiculous or whether I am jealous.
But I am an only and have an only, so I don’t really understand the dynamics of siblings or larger families. Nor do I understand living near grandparents/extended family because I never have. I just don’t have much family at all.
My dad was estranged from his family. I had grandparents 45 minutes away. But they had a late in life child who is 5 1/2 years older than me. My grandparents were not interested in their grandchildren as they were interested in their favorite late in life child. It’s fine as I never knew any other way.
My parents lived 45 minutes away until my kids were 12 and 10. They had a great relationship with the kids until they retired and my dad insisted on moving south. They had a great retirement and I didn’t expect them to stick around where they didn’t want to be. It worked out fine but now my mom is a widow, she’s happy where she is and has no desire to move to a place where I am. My sister wants her to move because it’s inconvenient for her to get there. But my sister doesn’t want her near her, she wouldn’t even entertain her over the holidays so I don’t know where she thinks my mom should move to. And frankly, my mom is becoming very combative and rigid as she’s aging. I have no idea how to fix this.
It’s funny though. My sister in law, her parents moved to the city she moved to after they retired. My brother in law, he owns a business and will never move so her parents thought it would be stable. Now, my sister in law is divorcing my bil. The kids have moved away and my sister in law is kinda stuck with her parents in a town they aren’t from and don’t need to stay in. Life turns out in funny ways sometimes.
We are planning on staying where we are for a year and then try to decide what we want to do in the future. I’d like to figure something out in our early retirement years while we are healthy and flexible.
It’s funny, my husband tried to let his mom know that we are open to moving after he retired. She was really hoping that we would move back to my husband’s hometown where he hasn’t lived for 45 years and I’ve never lived there. The only people we know are the in laws and his brother. I had to tell her that our idea was somewhere with a little better weather. She was crushed.
2 Likes
I would never leave my parents. I enjoy them, I adore them, and I can’t imagine not being nearby for things small and large they they may need.
I have had a sibling move away, which is fine. But I don’t think I want to hear any opinions (well…opinions are ok, but not directions or instructions) from said sibling. You left, you don’t visit, I take care of them, so I get more (if not all) of the say.
2 Likes
Both sets of my grandparents lived 15 min away from us.
And I love that my kids had 4 great grandparents when they were born (they remember 2 of them well) and 4 grandparents nearby. My kids are very close to their grandparents.
2 Likes
Interesting question; I did not grow up near my grandparents. I was a brat, so we moved quite a bit when I was younger; we settled in PA. DH grew up near his maternal grandparents. None of our siblings stayed in our hometown after HS. I was the only one to stay. We stayed there until DD was 4, and we did move back for a few years to help with my FIL. As much as we loved our parents, there weren’t good job opportunities for DH available in our hometown. My parents were military, so they understood; they came to see us and brought my in-laws with them when they did. It was much more difficult for my in-laws. DD spent 14 years of her life away from family, so not sure what she’ll want to do. She wanted to stay within 3 hours of us for college, so guessing she’ll want the same for work, but who knows.
We lived about 20 minutes from my parents when our kids were little, but they rarely babysat and we saw them only about once every 4 - 6 weeks for a short visit.
We moved when our kids were school age and from then on saw my parents no more than once a year. My in-laws lived several states away and we saw them more than we saw my folks.
When we learned that we’d have a grandchild, that made our decision about where to live post-retirement much simpler. We had no ties to our former residence, and no desire to move to either of our hometowns. It was important to us to be involved in our grandchild’s life.
2 Likes
My mother is on hospice, and this year all three of my kids are moving. Interesting year. When it all shakes out, maybe I will finally settle in new digs. Right now, still in a seasonal rental.
4 Likes
Interesting question about grandparents! My mom’s mother lived with us off/on for over 25 years. My parents converted a garage into a very nice bedroom/bath for her and she would travel from another state to stay for a few months at a time.
I remember my dad driving her to the doctor - even though she and he disagreed about politics and my grandma had strong views that she was not shy about sharing. That being said - she was a very respectful and caring houseguest and it was just an accepted part of life.
Decades later my parents lived with me and my family as they got older. So, there may be something to the generational influence.
While I in no way want to be a burden on my kids, I can see the advantage of having family close by to at least check in, perhaps discuss medical stuff with, etc. As you grow older, the ability to advocate for yourself declines precipitously and (as we probably all know) - society doesn’t treat the elderly very well or have many supports. It’s something to consider!
4 Likes
I’ve been wanting to bring this up. Folks need to think about some sort of inlaw apartment, casita, carriage house, ADU, etc. for their retirement.
This place can be where the kids stay when they come to visit, and they will visit more often and stay longer if they have their own space. It can be where you age in place while one of your kids lives in the big house. It can be where one of your siblings lives. I could go on and on, but the point is a small apartment on the property gives you so many options.
The key is understanding the rules. Most houses are zoned single family residential, and I’m going to blow your mind here, that means they’re zoned for one family. The good news is in most places parents and adult kids are still considered one family. An ADU is a zoning term for when you bring multifamily to single family zoning, so you probably won’t need that. Some municipalities have odd rules like only one cooktop (they sell countertop cooktops) or the unit has to be connected (a breezeway fixes that), so you need to be a bit creative.
3 Likes
I grew up in a two family home with my grandmother in the downstairs apartment and my family upstairs. I was extremely close with my grandmother. When I got married, I moved an hour away from my parents. My daughter was not at all close with them. I would like to be close to my own grandchildren (if and when that may happen).
1 Like
I think it depends how older generations/grandparents were raised. As an immigrant family on my dad’s side, we didn’t have much family nearby, so my paternal grandparents weren’t tied to an area. My maternal grandparents were a military family, so they lived all over the world. My mom graduated HS in Libya; my parents met and started their married lives in Germany. We spent our “vacations” growing up traveling to see grandparents. DHs family was the exact opposite; his family went back generations and used to have the big family Sunday dinners; this was very foreign to me. Both sides would’ve done whatever it took to help/take care of family. Logistics wise, it’s definitely easier if you’re in the same area.
Since there is all this talk about Grandparents and taking care of them I thought would share something I realized a few years ago.
By the time I was 10 I had lost 3 of 4 Grandparents. Actually one died before I was born on my mom’s side. I mom’s parents were older when they had her. She had lost both parents by the time she was 38. My one surviving grandparent moved to FL after my grandmother passed. So my folks did not have a the more normal responsibilities of taking care of a parent in their 50s.
I know the timing can be different for everyone but when it happens can definitely change what you end up doing and where you go.
My parents lived 3+ hours from my kids, but I would describe them as pretty close. They would drive down for ball games and graduations and all kinds of things. When ds1 was first born, they were here at least once a month for the first couple of years. i would like that relationship with my grandkids.
2 Likes
I lived 3 hours from one set of grandparents and the whole eastern seacoast from the other (northern NY to southern FL).
My parents were 8 hours from where we live and my in-laws are 4.
With my kids now spread out, there’s no way we’ll be close to all the grandkids daily. First we need grandkids. So far we have 4 grandcats.
Otherwise, I suppose it’s not a surprise that I grew up traveling - first plane trip in diapers I supposedly got sick all over my dad or at least that’s the story I was told. My kids were on planes from a young age too - fortunately without getting sick.
I love flying. I love road trips (except when it’s same old, same old). I love trains. The only travel I dislike are interstates with lots of traffic and traffic jams.
1 Like
One set of grandparents lived about 1.5 hours away. The others lived about 3.5-4 hours drive away (MD) then in Miami (required a flight that was rarely taken) and then the grandmother in Philadelphia (1.5-2 hours I’d guess).
Our kids have both talked about living in the kids wing of our new house when they have young kids. We’ll see.
Good points about ADU… lots of potential uses.
We don’t have that, but our house does have some nice perks. We built it new when we moved from NY (would have preferred to purchase an existing home, but the market was tight), so we picked a flexible floor plan.
Downstairs has a den/guestroom with pocket door into bathroom with shower. We thought that would be good when older relatives visited. (Didn’t realize we’d live here long enough to consider option to use it someday post-surgery/whatever. It’s small, but in a pinch we could both use it as master bedroom.) We did move my local mother into that guestroom (hospice delivered a 2nd hospital bed) when she became bedridden, but it was short term as she passed away a week later.
Upstairs we have a nice master bedroom/bath. But there are also two bedrooms with jack-and-jill bath in between. It has occurred to me, most recently when daughter was evacuated for wildfires (phew - apartment was ok), that it could be a good setup for long term guest suite. Someday if Boston son has kids we could easily accommodate a family visiting.
The den has a daybed with trundle under … to become King. I’ve pondered doing a group trip with college buddies (3 other couples). We already have a Queen in daughter’s old room. So it would only require bed change in son’s old room to make it work.
1 Like
We have an official ADU in our primary house in the basement that we “built” about six years ago for my in-laws. We were actually the first legit ADU passed by our town’s zoning, but there are gads of illegals where I live as the predominant culture here is that you have a complete setup in your basement to avoid using the kitchen and living areas upstairs. Because ours is permitted, it will add great value, both to us if we keep it (we likely won’t) or if we sell. I must say the flexibility of this house may come in handy if we need to house our kids before they are launched. The cost of SFH is downright ridiculous so we’d be ok if they stayed here until they could afford a sizable down payment.
In retirement, it is our plan to be in our house in Maine during the warmer months and then buy a nice class C to travel the states, at least for the first several years when we are able. I’m dreaming now about that nice big RV garage and sunroom I plan to have at my Maine house…as long as I’m able given that we are on a lake, and they are stringent on setbacks now.
3 Likes
My folks, H’s folks and my grandparents all lived on our island. My folks lived about 5 minute drive from us. My in-laws about 20 minutes. My mom’s parents died before we married. My paternal grandma came to our wedding and died when D was a year old.
My kids have fond memories of weekly gatherings and dinners at my folks house with all the cousins and my folks. My in-laws were much older and FIL was died after we all went to Disneyland with him when the kids were 6 & 8. Their memory of his is hazy. They don’t remember my MIL—she died when they were 1 & 3.
My dad recently died at 95. He was an important part of our lives. My mom continues to be cared for by each of us kids in a constantly rotating fashion. She seems fairly content, as long as she is with one of us, her loved ones.
2 Likes