For your kids, from their perspective I think there is a difference between downsizing and downsizing and MOVING. We did the latter when our ds was in his last semester of his senior year of college. I would have liked to have waited one more year, but that wasn’t to be. I think, “kids” are more likely to visit the parents (at least in their younger, post-college years) when they are coming, “home.” Meaning, coming back to the town where they grew up where they may also have friends. This is particularly true for holidays, I think. I wish we still had a place in the area where ds grew up - for a variety of reasons. At any rate, I am glad we did not move, “away,” until ds was out of college.
My dh was definitely in the camp of not wanting to maintain space that we might use two weeks out of the year. Extra bedrooms, formal dining/living, etc.
As far as having extra space for children and grandchildren to stay overnight in a downsized home, one thing I have seen is that sometimes grandkids stay with the grandparents while the adult children stay in a hotel or condo. This can give mom and dad a break and give grandparents more time with the grandchildren. Little kids needs less space than adults.
I have lamented on other threads that we have always stayed with in-laws and they with us for visits. I so wish that precedent had not been established. Or at least that it wasn’t something that happened for every visit. I am hoping as our ds potentially marries and has his own family, that we can be flexible about everyone’s expectations. I know it is simpler for us since we only have one.
I agree with retirees going to visit rather than the other way around. Especially when any grandchildren are infants. I always resented having to schlep so much to visit. Different when they are 3 years old or so and eating regular food, can sleep in a regular bed, and are out of diapers. That’s when my above plan of grandkids staying with me and kids staying off-site can be implemented.
I am not one who likes to dig in the dirt and grow things, so I am happy with my outdoor space of a balcony overlooking the Gulf of Mexico. But, it is important to know oneself when making such decisions.
Maybe the thing to think about when planning a move is NOT keeping up with your siblings or friends. Think about your own family and what is likely and what is best for you. Because families function and have preferences differently!
2 of my 3 are out of town. One of them has zero connections to high school or otherwise friends when she comes home. The other D has one friend she will see here and there when she comes home. So for them, “old friends” is not in the equation. Seeing family dogs? YES.
We are in a house search now. H and I know what WE want pretty much. But you can bet that our kids are invested in our purchase decision. They do not have kids yet (just significant others) but I would not be offended if they preferred to spend their own $$ to stay at a hotel or otherwise but I don’t see that happening in the near future - they want to wake up to coffee in the kitchen or have everyone wrapped up in warm blankets in the living room at night.
I think my stance is I like house room options for spending time and H likes “stuff” - so regardless if someone is sleeping in them I feel like we can definitely use 3 beds for a retirement home - and make those spare bedrooms multi-functional (office or fitness room or den or whatever!)
One of my kids does not keep up with high school friends. The other one has lots of them - I don’t know if any live in our town still, but lots are in NYC (we are an easy commute). His wife is working on her PhD from Columbia and she also has tons of friends in NYC, so our location is definitely a draw for them.
I totally agree with you. We looked at condos and realized we needed more room than they were offering. We downsized to smaller house with less lawn/garden to maintain but actually more bedrooms. There are five little ones. One for us, dedicated guest room, my office/fitness room, little TV den (hubby goes to watch loud sports that I hate), and upstairs one room flexes as his office and 2nd bedroom with air mattress for kids.
Both kids live elsewhere. We want them to feel welcomed in the space for the very few times they come which is 2x annually but not so much that we’re living in a space that’s wasted.
I have 4 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms, 2 tech areas. When all of my kids are here, they can work in separate areas, they often can work remotely so they can spend a few weeks here if they like.
Both my kids feel pretty strongly that they don’t want us to sell our house, even if we relocate to be near grandchildren. We are happy to keep it, if we can afford it. Each makes it home 1-3x/year and love having this home base to see friends when they are in town.
That’s one thing I’m glad about our house, it’s in the city they both went to high school, had we move to a different city, maybe 20 miles away for a large garden and cheaper housing, they probably wouldn’t visit us that often. Right now one can zip back in less than an hour. One daughter owns her own company, aka the CEO, she can set her own hours, when my husband ended up at the emergency room one day, she came back right away, just for emotional support, that’s worth the weight in gold. Btw, we’re less than a mile from some of the best hospitals. Maybe that’s something to think about.
Some grandparents we know arrange an annual beach week house rental with their three kids plus grandchildren. I think one or two of the kids are able to drive there, avoid airline cost and hassle. Guessing that the grandparents pay for the house rental. They all love their time together.
I like the idea of folks having grandkids sleep at house, parents in hotel. Maybe the grandparents that saved a bit buying a smaller house (and paying less property tax) can pay for the hotel. If the little ones are comfortable with it, the parents could even head off for a mini-vacation themselves some of the nights.
It depends on the age of the grand kids, I think we got married late, so when we visited the grandparents, I think it would be a hassle for the grandparents to take care of them for breakfast. For us I think it made sense that we stayed at a place with buffet and such, offering food we normally didn’t cook for breakfast, after breakfast is a good time to visit the grandparents.
I also want to mention that it’s also great to be near an airport, my daughter in the Bay Area is coming down for more than a week to celebrate Mother’s Day(yay!), she’s cancelled her Maui trip due to work, so she’s going to vacation at her mom and dad’s house, 2 weeks of home cooked meals, dad will be the chauffeur if she needs to go somewhere.
When she arrives at the airport, often late, we’re both in bed already, she just takes a quick short ride home from Uber, very convenient.
I can totally relate to this. I moved away (800 mi) right after college. Got married. We did wait 7 years after college to have children. Before kids we would visit my parents for sure on one of the big 2 holidays each year. While the kids were young I realized I did not want to travel with kids especially for holidays in what could be rough weather.
Once the kids got older we time was an issue with sports and activities. Also the cost of 4 plane tickets was a tough pill to swallow. We did drive some. We ended up only visiting every 2-3 years.
On the other hand my parents had the funds and the time to come visit us. They didn’t for many years. I feel sorry for my kids because they didn’t have the typical grandparent experience, but what can you do.
My Dad passed in 2018 and my mom has only come visited twice since then. One of those trips was only because we need a hand with the kids. I feel that if you are a grandparent and you have the time and funds it is better for everyone for you to come visit rather than the kids/grandkids treking cross country to come to you. I do understand that once people hit certain ages or health stages travel is not really inviting, but life is a two way street.
I wonder about this. I’m asking the collective hive, this feel like a common theme for some. The parents expected their children to come to them and rarely went to where the kids lived.
Do you think it’s a generational thing? Do you think your parents or in laws were uncomfortable flying? Why do you think that happens? Were they were wrapped up in the grandkids that lived locally?
With my contemporaries, I feel that they are very open to traveling to see the kids and grandchildren. In a way our parents were more hesitant to do.
Now if your parents and in laws were traveling to you, that’s great. But I really would like to hear opinions from those who’s parents didn’t.
I remember being super resentful as a young parent having to always be the ones shlepping to see the grandparents and using up all our vacation time. We finally set better boundaries and limits for ourselves. And for the record, the grands were all in good health and had the financial means to come to us in the early years. Both sets travelled extensively and were comfortable on planes, and neither had other grandchildren near by. I will say, that when we stopped going to them for more than long weekends, they did start coming to us, but it took us saying 'no." (Not so comfortable).
We both fully expect to be the ones traveling to see our D, and hopefully grandchildren some day.
I think it is a generational thing. My in-laws who were local and 30 mins away would watch the kids if needed, but only if you brought the kids to them. This was a pain for my wife back in the day when the kids were small and she had a doctors appointment close to us and my wife would have to drive the kids to her folks and then go pick them up. Totally added like 60-90 mins to those trips.
Also it was like pulling teeth to get the local grandparents to come to our kids sports/activities. By the end we just gave up. My D23 was just in a community theatre play this past weekend. We didn’t bother telling any of my wife’s family about it.
My folks visited maybe once a year, less as the kids got older. In laws came twice a year - spring and fall, but FIL’s brother and wife lived not far and TBH although they stayed at our house they spent far more time with them than with us. For years we begged our parents to come for Christmas - mine came once (my kids were ecstatic, really) and inlaws never. Sigh…we traveled to see our parents at least twice a year. They were much more involved with the kids/grandkids who lived close. I kept my mouth shut but I admit to being hurt.
H and I now live 20 minutes from D and SIL (who are expecting this summer). S is in grad school so who knows where he will end up? We do plan to visit him frequently as long as we are able.
There are all sorts of combinations of how things can work for extended families.
We had a fun stretch of about 5 years where my husband’s aunt (a surrogate grandmother for out kids) would visit for 7 days, the max time she was comfortable leaving her homebody hubby. We’d go off on a 4 day road trip, usually camping in our tent camper - she was a former girl scout leader and loved that! Then she would take my kids home with her, with a “grandmother” one way deal with one of the airlines. The first year she just took older kid, who got lonely. So after that she took them both. They had wonderful fun back East, sharing time with their adoring uncles. My husband and I worked that week but went out to dinner almost every night, since no babysitter needed. Then we’d fly out to spend a few weeks of vacation with both sides of the family. Hectic? - yes. Hard to plan? - yes. Worthwhile? - yes… the kids have some awesome memories from those summers.
My Dad used to come to CO once or twice a year to ski. He’d spend a lot of time with us, plus some time up in the mountains. Lots of splendid memories from those trips too.
I don’t know if it is generational or family culture. I have fond memories of my grandparents coming to stay with us for 6 weeks every winter - we were in California and they were in NJ. My other grandmother lived with us. We had a big house that could accommodate everyone, with us kids bunking together.
I live 45 minutes from my parents, and when kiddo was young they came to us for sports, performances, holidays, etc. But we would go stretches without seeing them, and they rarely babysat. As they have gotten older (can’t drive anymore) we go to them every weekend for Sunday dinner.
I don’t plan on ever moving - don’t have a big house to downsize from, and it is suitable for disabilities (DH is disabled). It is convenient to airports and hospitals and has decent restaurants and cultural activities. Haven’t thought about it, but if kiddo ends up settling somewhere away from us, I would probably want to do the extended stay trips my grandparents did. I wouldn’t expect him to travel with a family in tow. If he wanted to live in our area, I would maybe offer him the house to live in, and I could convert my office to an in law unit.
H’s family all live locally, so overnights aren’t much of an issue. We did stay at his sister’s house once for a couple of days when our house was tented for termites, it was pretty crowded considering their son was still living at home. H and I were in the spare bedroom and our two kids slept in their loft/office area in sleeping bags. And H’s sister and her husband stayed with us once on NYE when it was stormy and they didn’t feel comfortable driving so late. And our kids sometimes stayed at their aunts and uncle’s when H and I were out of town, etc. But that’s about it.
My parents and my sister don’t live locally. My parents would come to visit once a year and my mom would come out by herself other times as well. Usually we set people up on our sofa bed in the den or our kids would double up and someone would take one of their rooms. My sister and her husband preferred to stay in a hotel, which was fine by us.
I think you got to do what works for you and your family and your finances. We aren’t going to buy a huge house that we can’t afford just to have room for everyone who wants to stay. I know that sounds mean, but you just can’t please everyone. That said, we do have room for guests, we just can’t host a ton of people all at once!
We still live in the area where our kids grew up. We may move in the future when H and I both retire. D has moved out, but lives nearby. The only times she stays overnight are when she pet/house sits for us when we’re on vacation or on holidays, when she wants to have some wine, but doesn’t want to drive. S comes home on college breaks and summers. As for their friends, D keeps in touch with some high school friends, but I wouldn’t say they’re as close as they used to be…
I guess. But, I know plenty of people whose parents moved away from their hometowns while they were in college, and it seemed to work out fine. College kids are adults, they can figure it out.
So true! Traveling with the kids was awful! Never did we spend one Christmas in our own home. We went up 4x annually because everybody on both sides lived up there but I agree… I’ll happily hop on a plane and visit if I can do everyone doesn’t have to shlep down here
My parents were very comfortable traveling for vacation but expected their kids to come to them for visits, holidays. I think they never experienced family not living in their same city when they grew up so their expectation for my sibling that moved away was you come to us- this was no two way street. It caused all kinds of problems and led to a terrible relationship between them.
My parents were pretty demanding and inflexible when it came to things like this.
My H and I view things a lot differently and quite frankly we have very good relationships with all our kids.
