Drawbacks to boarding prep school

Prep School Admissions Prep School Parents
1

<p>I know for every perceived drawback, there are 10 people ready to extol the multiple virtues of boarding schools, so I'm not trying to enter into any kind of dispute. After having survived our first year with oldest child away, I became reflective after reading some posts on a similar thread in the Parents Forum on public vs. private school preparation for college.</p>

<p>This is actually a twist on that discussion to outline what my family experienced as "drawbacks," that might be helpful to those getting ready to send their child off for the first time, or still in various stages of decision making about whether or not to actually go. I don't know yet if I would say I REGRET sending DS off for 9th grade, but looking back there were some downsides. I think every family situation is different; we can likely all agree on that. For some like us, we have a pretty decent 'top 100' public high school, so it wasn't as if hands down the boarding school option was our best or even only bet.</p>

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<li>Gatekeeping for challenging courses: DS was shut out of a class he was well qualified for. We were told DS couldn't take Honors Physics because although he scored high enough on SSAT Math, he hadn't on Verbal (still > 90%ile). I spoke with the dean after we received his schedule. He had requested Honors Physics. No one called us to discuss. We found out he hadn't gotten it when we arrived on campus and received his schedule. Even though I told the dean, it made no sense since all previous Science grades were top notch and DS had achieved the second highest average in the GRADE in Science in year previous from a select middle school, the answer was still 'no go'. I think because there weren't enough slots. Luckily, by mid-term other students who may have gotten the requisite verbal SSAT score, failed out and DS was able to move up and eventually it turned out well. But it was just serendipitous.</li>
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<p>However, we were dismayed that even though we were paying close to $50,000 per annum, DS still couldn't take the class he wanted to sign up for, initially. That's disappointing...shouldn't have to "fight" for it. Afterall, that was one of the reasons we chose BS, right? A good challenge.</p>

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<li>School had over-enrolled new students and dorm issues for both boys and girls became apparent at end of year. School did not hold transparent lotteries and boys and girls got different formulas for their lottery ranking. When parents approached school administration politely, got turned down at every corner. Eventually, our request for a single got referred to Headmaster who didn't have the time of day for us. Again, at prestigious BS, we would have thought someone in his position had some skills and social grace and or a desire to try to arrive at workable solution or compromise with student and parents. The message we got was, we have 50 kids in line right now ready to take your son's place. The message implied, was "our way or the highway." We don't need to find a solution that you can live with.</li>
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<p>When I entered the armed services back when I knew I was giving up my civilian rights, but my biggest lesson learned of all (parents got an education we didn't expect), was BS parents and students, leave your rights at the door.</p>

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<li>The school year is pretty long--longer than you hope it will be. Having DS away, someone who has been an integral part of the family was tough on him and tough on us parents and sib. It almost broke my heart, when upon returning home he told me that in the end, BS is not what it is cracked up to be. Sure, maybe he was challenged and lived in an environment where kids cared about grades, but was it really worth the separation? Some families might say yes, given their circumstances, for us, the jury is still out, likely not.</li>
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<p>That's it for now. I'm sure if I gave more serious thought, I'd come up with a few more. In the end, DS says, "it's just a school,no more, no less." For all the pluses on one side of the margin given to community and traditions and opportunities, not so sure yet that they tip the scale in favor of a BS education. Just one family's opinion. When I try to list opportunties fulfilled on the other side of the leger, I do come up with athletics (good coaching), great languages and teaching....not too much else.</p>

2

<p>Thanks for sharing this, it’s important to know the other side of the coin…I had a similar experience myself in BS, and we looked long and hard for DC for an experience that won’t replicate what you’re describing, but we’ll see. I think it’s good to know what your backup plan is, right from the start, and (depending on DC) to let them know that there is a backup plan and sometimes things are peachy, and other times things don’t work out. & sometimes it’s a messy muddle.</p>

3

<p>Here’s another:</p>

<p>Special talents or skills. If your kid is gifted in some special way or simply has an affinity for something that’s outside the scope of boarding school offerings, you might want to reconsider boarding for your child. You might be inclined to drive four hours to the weekly workshop of Thruppolin players but it’s unlikely a boarding school would make that kind of accommodation. Even for things as commonplace as chess or modern dance…you might want your child to pursue their passion at the highest possible level. In that case, boarding school might not be the best choice.</p>

4

<p>Our experience with blue ribbon public school was parallel to your BS experience minus the dorm situation.
I don’t disagree with you. Your complaints are warranted. I don’t think there is a perfect system. You just have to weigh the good with the bad and figure out what works for you.</p>

5

<p>As far as #2, I’m concerned that you’re approaching it as “our” request not “his” request. Additionally the Headmaster has much bigger problems to deal with than one kid’s desire for a single, unless there is a significant medical reason for him to need one. Paying for a prep school is not the same as paying to have every wish wanted.</p>

6

<p>rbgg - when I read your comments, I hear the helicopter buzzing in the background. </p>

<p>“Hey, I’m ponying up 50k alright? I want what I want when I want it.”
To the headmaster, “I pay your salary dude. You’re supposed to be the best but you’re not giving me satisfaction.”</p>

<p>It’s no wonder your kid’s reaction was a bit “down in the mouth.” I wonder where he gets the 'tude?!</p>

<p>I know that I’m being a bit hostile and I agree that there’s too much boarding school fawning on this site, but I do like to believe that the best schools strive for an “us” attitude (warts and all), not a “me, me, me” attitude. Your concerns strike me as relatively petty, but I get the feeling your negative reaction was sustained and vocal.</p>

7

<p>I realize you’re getting kind of slammed here and you every right to say how you feel. I think most of the responses are valid. You state a major point in your #2 wherein parents and students leave their rights at the door. Well yes you do and that should come as no surprise. All the schools have a so called “rule book” which parents and students alike are to read, in fact some schools require parents to confirm that they have read the booklet too. Having only read a couple of the small booklets it becomes pretty evident that it is their BS world and your just a part of it. A lot of what you have mentioned is covered in the booklets, some in detail others issues maybe briefly but none of it should come as totally unexpected. Another thread here on “Thoughts on Approaching Your Child’s Teachers” is a good read. You and your child are committing your selves to the school for 4 years and the best way to approach (it in my opinion) is to immerse oneself into the scene and soak it up for all it’s worth. Boarding school is not for everyone. It is without a doubt in my book a precursor to the real world. Older guy currently with his Grandparents for a week before starting a Summer job. Their house, their rules, their pettiness enough to drive anyone away (crazy) and believe me I know it’s not easy. I’d like to tell my Dad to back off and cut the kid some slack but no, not a good idea, his house. For my son, he’s got to suck it up for now. Good luck next year.</p>

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<p>^^Hmmm… Well that makes sense, but I think it’s only one side of the coin. From the school’s persective, BS parents are their lifeline in the long run - that is, customers using their services. Obviously a school can’t function if they’d meet every demand of one family unconditionally, and obviously you can’t ask the school to change their core offerings which include the values they try to instill in their students. However, shouldn’t the school listen attentively and try their best to address their students/parents concerns? Isn’t that the way in which a school and the industry as a whole has been improving over time? I wonder if this is just some sellers’ market syndrome. Go to a school that struggles to fill their spots each year and see if they are still that stubborn.</p>

<p>While I think OP’s “dorm drama” was a bit much (but then the headmaster’s response was an eye opener too), her concerns over course selction is a common problem in many BS. I believe it’s a resource issue more than anythng else, but that’s exactly where the school should spend money. Hire good teachers who can teach advanced courses, offer enough classes, and give the students flexibility to move up and down. Isn’t that what’s expected when you present hundreds of course offerings, low faculty student ratio and small class size to incoming students/families?</p>

9

<p>RBGG–I hear you and we spent quite a bit of time over last 2 years questioning if BS was the right decision for our S. To point 1, it will not be the last time his course selections will impact other pieces of the hs transcript so I encourage you to take a more active role with advisor so you can help set expecations and help make right decisions for rest of time at school. S had a friend who got shut out of honors science because of less than stellar writing, and he appealed to department head/did not back down and it worked out. As to “our way or highway” I think vigilant parents can break through --it takes multiple face time (i.e. show up and meet teachers, advisors, head of school over the school year) and a thick-skinned parent not afraid of being considered the crazy squeacky wheel. With our S, we had to navigate getting through to folks from 3000 miles on the other coast, and it took multiple telephone, email and face-face (yup) talks until we finally got “some” attention for our S’s needs. Lesson learned is that with a 14, 15 16 year old no way it should be parents hands off, and you’ll need to develop relationships and demand (nicely, of course) closer looks for your S’s needs whatever they are. BS kids are still learning to navigate life and they sometimes still need you to be their best advocate. Yes, the BS cares to some degree–as much as they can in dividing their attention over 500+ kids–but accept that no one else has kid’s interest in the same way as you do and respond accordingly.</p>

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<p>After reading grinzing’s post, I realize why I prefer the smaller schools.</p>

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<p>^^How small? Only schools with 200 kids are good schools? Do they even have the “luxury” to be in the debate on how courses should be selected when they have so many options to choose from? It’s amazing how every discussion can become a my school is better than yours discussion. Can we just once focus on how to make our already excellent BS even better for our kids?</p>

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<p>Come on, as my guys say chill a little. I was just making a small remark and not elaborating why I prefer smaller schools and not debating school size. Student population of about 295 is the smallest that I’m familiar with. Regardless, I doubt we here on CC are going to make our already excellent BS even better, just understand and hopefully appreciate the opportunity we are providing our kids. Having said that, schools are always looking for parent volunteers.</p>

13

<p>I think school size is an absolutely critical issue, and requires that you take a long hard look at your child and what environment is going to suit them best for high school. We decided 800 was an absolute max for DS, so of course that ruled out some fine schools…</p>

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<p>Many kids are doing just fine in bigger schools. If you haven’t noticed, grinzing’s C is in a school with 500+ students. I dont’ understand the fuzz about the school size anyway. Most of the most selective and finest LACs are bigger than the biggest BS, and people are raving about how they are the best in providing the best LAC education to their kids (regardless how mature or immature they can be at 18, unlike with BS only the ones who are distinctively more mature than their peers go), many of whom leave home the first time in their lives. Let’s not try to justify our own choices by putting down other choices. There are excellent bigger schools, and there are lousy smaller schools. Same is true the other way around. More importantly, most of the thses schools are good in their own ways. When you single out size as such a critical factor, it’s just not right. If I ask you to run a school or any organization with 10K+ members with limited resources, I know it won’t happen, but with the kind of resources they have they can certainly handle a school with 800+ students well. The question is do they want to (need to) make the efforts to make it better? That’s why we are here to voice our concerns and hope there can be some positive effect however little it might be.</p>

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<p>No one is putting anyone down. Sorry if this thread has gone awry with size, that was not my intention.</p>

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<p>I’m not disputing you…but the size of a community does play a critical role in social development at different stages. There are as many reasons why another kid a small school wouldn’t work…why are you trying to discount it as a significant factor?</p>

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<p>Schools with 800+ kids feel like shopping malls especially at lunch time. If someone tells you size doesn’t matter, I know what you may be thinking of him/her.</p>

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<p>Because I don’t think it is, considering all BS we are talking about here are well “within the parameters”. I don’t dispute that there are disctinctive differences between very small schools and bigger schools, but the differences do not inheritantly make a school good or bad. I personally don’t believe in putting a kid in a particularly nurturing “bubble” environment that is far from the real world, but that’s just me and I understand why some parents think otherwise. I guess we just have to agree to disagree.</p>

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<p>Listen, Invent, this thread was started by a parent whose C’s school was probably bigger (with 800+ students). She expressed her frustration and admitted that she might’ve not made the best choice. That’s something we don’t see often on this board. People are invariably raving about the schools they are associated with. So, should you just tell OP: “Yeah, you made the wrong choice. There’s no way the school can be better because it is big. Unless the school downsizes next year, you are doomed”? If you think that makes sense, fine, but may I say that’s not – nice?</p>

20

<p>You know I’ve been on CC long enough that I’ve developed a thicker skin this past year, so I don’t take issue with anyone’s “take” on things, and I enjoy all the debate on both sides of an issue.</p>

<p>I can say that I was actually surprised the dorm issue rose to the Headmaster level. Indeed, I thought he had much bigger problems to deal with and I was surprised that a solution couldn’t be worked out if you will with his underlings. I think they tossed it to him because they wanted him to tell us that it was a seller’s market, and go away with some finality. I proposed a win-win situation. They hadn’t made room assignments yet for the incoming sophomores and we had already invested a year with the school. Couldn’t a switch out work?</p>

<p>Still, although I can see why he wouldn’t want to be bothered with a miniscule problem, I still would expect that he bring his best “parent” and listening skills to the table. Sure, I can cop an attitude, but I was extremely polite and respectful and I wanted the same in return. I really do think at some of these HADES and GLADCHEMMS schools, there is a seller’s market mentality that we heard loud and clear. Shame on us for not getting it right away.</p>

<p>Our biggest disappointment was the class request outlined and how no one bothered to followup with us after they initially said “no” and we had to keep checking back to see if spots had opened up. I do think at a smaller school, there may be better collaboration between school and home. Just my 2 cents.</p>

<p>We’re still figuring out whether to forfeit our deposit for next year. And yes, I imagine there are at least 50 kids on the WL ready to take his spot.</p>