<p>Periwinkle, customers and sponsors/patrons are different. A school may only need a few rich patrons to run but if the base of families who want to use their service is deterioting, the school wouldn’t have a bright future. Parents are the boss who makes the purchasing decision here. That’s why I think they are the customers.</p>
<p>@Periwinkle: re lotteris and identical procedures, etc. I guess you would have to have experienced bias of some type to get it. Gender, racial or otherwise. Those who have experienced some type of bias in the past are much more skeptical and sensitized about separate but equal programming. If there is no difference and everything is on the up and up, why not just make procedures identical?</p>
<p>If there is no difference and everything is on the up and up, why not just make procedures identical?</p>
<p>As you described the two approaches, it seemed to me that each team of dorm supervisors had attempted to institute a random lottery. They tried to generate fair, random results by different methods. (I wouldn’t be surprised to hear that some of the teachers on the boys’ side taught science! :))</p>
<p>I’m assuming that 1) there are different numbers of boys and girls, 2) there are separate boys and girls dorms, and 3) the dorms differ in size and distribution of rooms. So, I’m assuming that, in a non-perfect world, the lotteries already differ in essential characteristics. One gender might have more singles. The other might have newer dorms. There are probably dorm heads whom many students want to avoid (probably because they make the students go to bed on time.) </p>
<p>At any rate, I don’t think it’s necessary to assume that the procedures are biased. </p>
<p>The placement in the science course would be of greater concern. I assume that the school discovers that many students think they’re better at science (math, English, etc), than they are, because they hail from different schools. It could also be that the school has discovered that some students who look perfect on paper have had significant support from tutors and parents (see: <a href=“At New York’s Private Schools, a Tutor for Every Class - The New York Times”>At New York’s Private Schools, a Tutor for Every Class - The New York Times). So, they don’t schedule “enough” sections of honors science to place everyone on that track, as experience has shown that a certain percentage of students switch tracks after finding that the work is too hard. (As an aside, why is such a high verbal SSAT score used for placement in the science track? And it’s very interesting that the school doesn’t pay much attention to students’ previous science grades.)</p>
<p>So, in that bullet point, I would wonder about bias, but bias based upon the experience the school has had with students coming from different types of schools or family backgrounds. I’d assume that the teachers adjust expectations once they know the students better.</p>
<p>It’s interesting what goes on in a teenager’s mind. </p>
<p>DS said very paroxysmally that he will return to BS. This came after multiple discussions where my husband and I helped DS to weigh pros vs. cons without much effect.</p>
<p>Right before he made his seemingly sudden decision and blurted out that he’ll go back, I had reminded him that should he decide to go back to local PS, he would need to go on their website for the summer reading list. </p>
<p>Mind you, DS had already downloaded the BS summer reading list and had finished one out of 3 selections. Maybe I’m putting too much weight on this, but this seemed to be the thing that tipped it over to one side of the equation.</p>
<p>RBGG, I think it’s very difficult for a kid to voluntarily withdraw from BS, if he/she is not doing particularly badly academically or socially. It involves perceived (wrongly of course)failure to survive the BS, the sometimes embarassing explaination of why he quit to his peers (the more well-known the BS, the harder), and the fear/uncertainty of re-adjusting to yet another different environment. Parents have to be the unplugger here to make it happen. I understand why some people would think that’s wrong, but if you are asking the teenager to make that decision, 9 out of 10 would keep the “status quo” unless they’re kicked out or dragged out.</p>
<p>“Parents have to be the unplugger here to make it happen.” Very good point. Sometimes kids can’t see their way through how they would explain not going back.</p>
<p>DBGG – if you sense that your son might enjoy returning the public school and you feel that his educational needs would be met there, maybe you can come up with a phrase or comment that makes sense for him to explain his return. Maybe he wanted to do be able to take a course available at the nearby college or he wanted to work on a project that’s only available at his school. My examples are kind of lame, but here’s my story – S applied to and was accepted at BS but chose not to go, and I supported him in his choice because for some reason, it started to have a lot less appeal to him; he has tons of friends at his local public school; and I wondered how much I’d be able to monitor and motivate him when he was away. </p>
<p>Good luck</p>
<p>I think he was closer to pulling the plug and less accepting of the status quo than some may think. The big things were missing home and being part of day to day family life, and the other was being in a pressure cooker that BS can become living away from home without daily support from family when friends and relationship issues surface.</p>
<p>He kept saying if he had the BS as a day school option, he would opt out for that. It seems there is some down time at BS and lots of gossiping and worry about friendships etc. He felt if he could get away from it on a nightly basis, he would be better off. I reminded him that friendships and relationship issues are things you take with you and/or face wherever you go. It remind me of Cicero or Cato’s (can’t remember which) oration on “why are you suprised you have problems wherever you go when you take yourself with you?”, i.e. a change of scenery won’t solve every ill.</p>
<p>Well either way, don’t lay the burden on the kid’s shoulder. If you don’t know better how could he? - just saying. Many parents are led to believe that it’s all the kid’s decision to go or not to go while in fact kids are naturally great hint takers. If you don’t believe in it, they’d doubt it sooner or later. If you are sincerely enthusiastic about it, they’d become positive enventually even if they have doubts.</p>
<p>DH and I helped him weigh pros and cons and told him that we both thought he should return, but that it had to be his decision, because we didn’t live in his skin. He had the right to go or stay, and either way we told him we could never be disappointed in him. He’s a scholar and an athlete and we are so proud of the kind and loving person that he is.
I think it worked out okay. I would have been okay either way. BS is an opportunity, but there will be others and in the end, not sure it will make a huge difference whether he graduated from prestigious BS or public HS.</p>
<p>RBGG, don’t look back. We have a S entering 3rd year at BS and we were close to pulling plug after Y1–but S perceived it as quitting and wanted to keep at it. Well, the things that made the school difficult didn’t change–not surprisingly–and the nagging feeling that this was a mistake for him has not gone away either. He’s a trooper, making the best of a less than perfect situation. However, the upsides of the prestigious BS opportunity have never outweighed that the school has not been a great fit–on top of missing home, never getting away from the teenage drama, S feels acutely alone BECAUSE he’s a scholar and an athlete and doesn’t get on anyone’s radar.</p>
<p>@RBGG: I hope I didn’t make you feel that I was <em>blaming</em> you. I was just trying to make a point that parents must be very proactive and determined to make the change if they see a big problem, otherwise nothing would change. In you case, it seems the <em>problem</em> is not that huge anyway, so your DS’s decision is just as good.
You said,
Well, there’s at least $200K of difference. :)</p>
<p>RBGG, if it’s any consolation, I think the academic difference may become clearer in the second year. I know that kids in a good public school work hard too, but i was very wowed by how high the bar was raised as classes got more advanced. Also, kids get more involved and find the activities that suit them. So, your child may be in for a great year starting this fall. Fingers crossed.</p>
<p>RBGG, If I remember correctly this was not the family’s first choice boarding school? Is it possible that you all are still in the “this is second best” feeling? Sometimes it can be a hard thing to shake. Also, if your son has a hard time readjusting back to PS, you will feel bad too. I think you are in a bit of a no win situation. At the end of the day, block out all the noise and second guessing, the money etc, take a quiet moment, sit and think, “What is the best thing for my child?”</p>
<p>@Grinzing and Lemonade: thanks, good advice
@DAndrew: Remember I stated I had a thick skin, no worries
@GTBH: You have a good memory. No, it was not our first choice, but actually son’s second and when he eventually enrolled, whole family fell in love…now with all that has happened, we realize a school is just a school, nothing more</p>
<p>DS says he is going back and we will support him by picking him up for WE getaways, Wednesday mid week drives to the school for off-campus dinners and talks and any other way we can. It will be fine. I hope sharing our story helps those who are wrestling with the issues or who might encounter similar ones in the near future, hence our posting.</p>
<p>You see, daughter is warming up in the bull pen, so I really wanted to get things settled with DS before I could fully concentrate on the next child. I think we will be looking for a day school for her, as that is what she said she would like.</p>
<p>I just feel like a piece of information is missing here.</p>
<p>RBG2 - your son, having failed to obtain a place at “first choice”, accepted a slot at the current school. Then, the first semester, turned around and reapplied to “first choice” and was declined.</p>
<p>Some of us did try to caution that this would change the dynamics at your current school even as others claimed it was common (it isn’t - especially so quickly).</p>
<p>Hence you lost all of your leverage at the current school and likely was the catalyst for the Headmaster’s comment that there were 50 students waiting for his place if you didn’t like the rules.</p>
<p>We often plead for parents to have “perspective” and love the school that loves them. Resource allocation at a school is a consideration, but for the most part - parents are also used to demands of full pay parents.</p>
<p>Especially important (but no less hard) is to STOP advocating and coach the child to do it for him/herself. The school may be polite, but they’re used to helicopter parents (even those who do not mean to appear that way).</p>
<p>The decision to send a child to boarding school is a hard one - but the child needs to be ready OR the family should select one that treats the entire family as part of the campus structure rather than chase stats.</p>
<p>Large schools are trying to accomodate 800-1,100 sets of individual needs. A sense of humor helps. Yes - $50,000 is a huge drain on the budget, but since 70% of most campuses are full pays and there is a huge waiting list of other FP’s, diplomacy is key.</p>
<p>I encourage parents to vent here, so that they DO NOT take it to campus. It will do more harm than good.</p>
<p>What will help - is the child advocating and campaigning for themselves. If they aren’t ready for that, they likely should stay home, IMHO. BS is a brutal experience for kids still needing training wheels.</p>
<p>BTW - you don’t leave your rights at the door as one does in the military. You’re still the guardian. But what you do leave at the door is the expectation that the school will be able to respond to the desires of each individual and their family members based on price paid.</p>
<p>I didn’t realize that RBGG’s son tried to reapply to a first choice school during his freshman year at his current boarding school. That’s a slap in the face of the current school and makes me even less sympathetic to RBGG’s concerns. It strikes me as socially tone deaf for a parent to expect deference, apologies, capitulation etc. from a school they’ve insulted by trying to leave during freshman year.</p>
<p>Wow. So are you having doubts to sending your son away? I can never ask my sons to enter a boarding school since I am too attached to them. However, we really do have different situations and opinions in life. Hope your kid will turn out well.</p>
<p>^^Unlike us. We are all too detached to our kids. Check this thread out. You are not alone. <a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/prep-school-parents/1124520-negative-reactions-regarding-child-attending-bs.html[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/prep-school-parents/1124520-negative-reactions-regarding-child-attending-bs.html</a></p>
<p>Good luck basking in the bliss of ignorance!</p>
<p>Exie, while you are making a good point of “love the school that loves you”, I think you are being a little unfair here. RBGG’s DS was having a less than great experience from the first day on campus - he didn’t get into a physic’s class that he REALLY wanted to be in AND he was told “love it or leave it” when requesting a single room. That’s probably WHY he decided to reapply to his first choice of BS - because he was finding it hard to love the school that supposedly loved him but was not showing it through their actions.</p>
<p>Ok, I reread some things and I see that the requesting a single room and the obnoxious reply didn’t happen until the end of the year… however, you have to wonder how much of that attitude of “there are 50 kids that want your spot” came across from the very beginning.</p>