DS, 21, just can't seem to pull it together.

Parents Forum
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<p>I really think DS, almost 21 needs to change his major. He thinks he wants to go into business, because he will be able to use that degree for many different occupations (although he has no idea what he wants to do), and 2) I think he thinks it's sounds respectable. However, he's not doing well at all in his pre-business classes. He really was too immature to start college, we knew it, but didn't know what else to do with and and he needed to LEAVE! Well, he did realy bad his first year, better his second but not much. He usually ends up having to withdrawal for a class each semester of has flunked it. All in all, he only has 36 credit hours and a 2.1 after 2 years of school. He has to have a prerequisite of classes to get into the business school and he's still working on those. He's matured quite a bit emotionally, but he just doesn't seem to move forward in academics. He's taking 5 classes right now, and currently I can see he has a D- and and F in 2 of the business prerequisites.</p>

<p>We have talked ourselves silly about going to a tutor...they really push them on his campus and he WILL NOT GO! He goes to all of his classes, but I think he continues to try to wing it on the tests. </p>

<p>We are at our wits end, not quite sure what to do. I think he should seriously consider switching majors, it's obvious he doesn't have a passion about this. Also, he as ADD- like symptoms (executive dysfunction) and is currently on stimulants. He says they help him even feel like he wants to do anything. He claims he's not depresses and he really doesn't seem like it. We got along quite well when he was home this summer and he was pumped to go to school and do well....but it never lasts.</p>

<p>I know some parents say to take him out of school and make him work. But is that really the best? I mean, even if he just gets by on 9 - 12 credit hours a semester, isn't it better to stay in school...be around people who at least are motivated kids?
Plus...I hate to say it...I just don't want to live with him anymore either. You know..I wonder if really making him take a good hard look at himself and what he would rather do would help.</p>

<p>He went to a career counselor his Jr. Year in High school and his tests came back that he would be good in exercise physiology, but he hates science related classes. He told him to take those classes and if he really didn't like them and didn't know what else to do, then his tests showed that he had an affinity for finance or business related classes. So, that's when he decided he'd just do that. But look where that is getting him.</p>

<p>We just are a bit tired and feel helpless. He was a straight A student until 8th grade and things sort of started to fall apart from there. High school was a nightmare...typical, rebellious teen...but not disrepectful, mean, in your face type stuff. </p>

<p>He really is someone that I think would be better in a "trade", he just must not like to study...but in this world, I think it would be beneficial to have a college degree. I think it opens doors, even doors that don't necessarily need one. OK, I'm rambling now. I just needed to get this off my chest and wondered if anyone else out there has this type of child/student.</p>

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<p>One thing that worries me about his current strategy is that he is taking 5 classes. At this point this is not a race. I hope he isn’t taking a lot of classes in hopes of catching up to the students he graduated HS with. It sounds like he has trouble juggling too many things at once. Maybe he should go to school part time or at least drop to the minimum allowed to be considered full time? If he has less to focus on maybe he will do better. Also, try a few classes in a different area of study and maybe something will light a spark in him. </p>

<p>It doesn’t make sense to waste the money going through the motions, and failing or dropping so many classes.</p>

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<p>Rambling is ok. It’s a tough situation. I have no magic answers… but boatloads of empathy. Hopefully this dialog will give you some ideas. </p>

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<p>I like the idea of him taking fewer classes and doing more non school stuff. Will that work? Then he could focus on his classes better and also be out in the world exploring what he wants to do next.</p>

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<p>Thanks everyone. I’m going to talk to him tomorrow. I wish there were a magic solution. I think he wanted to take 15 hours because I know he feels lousy he’s so far behind. I think he’s someone that just can’t handle more than 3 or 4 at a time. I would like to see him work and do a reduced load. It felt good getting it off my chest.</p>

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<p>Is he seeing a doctor for the stimulants? Perhaps his meds need to be changed? or needs to see a coach for the executive dysfunction? Also as a parent with a kid with ADD I agree 15 credits is probably too much. </p>

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<p>Yep, I work with this kind of kid all the time.</p>

<p>“I know some parents say to take him out of school and make him work. But is that really the best? I mean, even if he just gets by on 9 - 12 credit hours a semester, isn’t it better to stay in school…be around people who at least are motivated kids?”</p>

<p>If being around motivated kids were going to make a difference, it would have by now. The thing about jobs is that (1) they don’t cost money, and (2) if you screw up, you just get yelled at or fired; there’s no permanent record of your poor performance following you around. It’s your wallet, but I wouldn’t throw any more money into this pit. You’re paying the bill and he’s getting crummy grades and refusing to see a tutor? Forget that. It doesn’t matter whether it’s a lot of money to your family or not. What matters is that he’s wasting it.</p>

<p>“I just don’t want to live with him anymore either.”</p>

<p>He’s 21. You don’t have to let him live with you (for free or otherwise). You probably already paid for this semester, so lay down some minimal rules (I’d suggest see a tutor, no Ds or Fs, overall semester GPA 3.0 or better), and let him know that if he doesn’t meet them, you won’t be paying for next semester, and it’s up to him to figure out what to do and where to live instead. If what you’re doing has you at your wit’s end, then change what you’re doing.</p>

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<p>I also like the idea of working and going to school part time that others have mentioned. Could he do that at his current school? The one positive thing is that he is not complaining about the school itself, seems relatively happy there and was excited to go back this Fall. So if he stays there, his living arrangements are set and he won’t be moving home. I think telling him you are not going to pay and he is on his own next semester is easier said than done. I doubt I could follow through on that threat. At least not until all other possible avenues have not produced results.</p>

<p>I know a lot of kids who are not scholars but do exceedingly well working. For some kids the academic part is a struggle. I would suggest that he look at lightening his load first and see if his grades improve, if not then consider the change of majors. Although I know it might be hard to do, I would also make some effort to find out how he is spending his time - are the poor grades the result of too much partying or is he truly struggling with too heavy of a workload?</p>

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<p>I have a kid like this. She came home after the first week of sophomore year at a pretty good LAC, and lived at home while she floundered a bit, but it was HER floundering and I guided and supported as best I could. She has made amazing strides with maturity and good decisions by age 22. The end result doesn’t matter so I won’t go into details. For her, “owning” her own growth process was important. It may be different for your son.</p>

<p>I would suggest looking at community college certificate or associate’s degree programs. One thing he could do is start out as, say, a physical therapy assistant (community college program) and then move on if he wants to full PT. State colleges usually credit the assistant classes and experience. He could even do a Red Cross nursing assistant (one month) course and work in an ER: many hospitals would train him in EKG and phlebotomy once there. He could also do EMT training.</p>

<p>For some, taking just one or two courses is what works. He could train for a job and take one class. Perhaps experiencing mastery of one class will help build him up to succeed in two.</p>

<p>If he doesn’t have a psychiatrist working with him on the ADHD, help him find one. Coaching on time management and study skills would help. It’s expensive, but sometimes that kind of thing is offered by the school. If it is hard to get him to go to these resources, it might be appropriate for you to give a dean a head’s up, while also acknowledging to the dean and your son that it is up to him.</p>

<p>I completely understand your feelings about not living with him but that has been an important component for our daughter. You cannot use college as a sort of holding tank just so he has a place to live. I am being frank. I have read that 82% of college grads live at home. I just read a book entitled “The Boomerang Generation” on this topic. If he does come home, try to make him feel normal on the subject and not like a failure.</p>

<p>I have spent years asking various people on the job how they got their job, what their training was and so on. There are still some jobs with on the job training (Lenscrafters techicians were my most recent interviewees). Something like North Bennett Street School in Boston teaches everything from cabinet making to piano tuning. Technical schools like Wentworth also offer interesting programs.</p>

<p>National Outdoor Leadership School is a wilderness training school that has helped many kids whether or not they want to go into that kind of work. Check out their expeditions online.</p>

<p>There is a path for him. It just sounds like he hasn’t found it, and he may need your help in getting there. It may take some time.</p>

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<p>If you really feel it is better for him to be in school (and it may or may not be) You probably do want to look into some certificate programs, at least as a plan B. Unless you are full pay and can continue to be so for quite some time, dropping/failing classes each semester is likely to run into problems with the school’s SAP policy and result in the loss of fin aid. </p>

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<p>just want to say “ditto” to compmom’s excellent suggestions. I’ve known 2 men who became EMTs. They are brothers. They don’t like to sit still. PT asst etc are also good opportunities. I also know several people in nursing programs at the CC. They don’t have to be in a U, competing with premeds and future Phds to get a certificate. </p>

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<p>conmama - If he is talking with you, that is half the battle. I hope things went well today.</p>

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<p>As a professor, I do not have a problem with students signing up for five courses, and seeing which four they can succeed at and dropping the fifth class (four classes is usually the minimum for a full-time student).</p>

<p>If you don’t want to live with him, don’t. But you can’t just say that and then apparently be heartbroken over his situation. The basic physical need of housing is a major issue for some.</p>

<p>And finally - if he has special needs, is he getting accommodations at the school? Would it be worth it to have him have neuropsychological and learning testing to see if he needs extra time on tests or other accommodations? Sometimes something as simple as a quiet room for testing or brightly lit room for testing could work wonders.</p>

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<p>Thank you for everyone’s suggestions and comments. He wasn’t able to talk yesterday, but will call me today. We had him tested in high school and that was where his ADD-NOS was diagnosed. Not enough symptoms for classic inattentive…mostly executive functioning problems. His IQ is in the normal range, even above normal for processing speed. What is the difference with neuropsychological testing? </p>

<p>I know that living with him again is a distinct possibility…just venting that I don’t want to is all. </p>

<p>I will ask him about accommodations but honestly, I think part of it is he won’t put in the time he needs or see a tutor. I want to talk to him without anger or disappointment, which can be tough to do when you are actually feeling it. I want our conversation to be solution oriented…get him to talk about Plan B, not me tell him what Plan B is. I don’t want to make threats that we won’t carry through. </p>

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<p>For my kids, I was the one who took action regarding accommodations. The student is the one who interacts with the disabilities office ultimately, with the dean and with the professors. But often the parent has to get the ball rolling. So that meant I gathered documents. I wrote a letter with the content I wanted, including a list of accommodations (from research), and the psychiatrist (one of my children) or MD (another one of my children, health issues) signed it. </p>

<p>From that point, the student meets with the person responsible for accommodations at his school, is given letters to give each professor at the beginning of the semester, and is entitled to whatever accommodations are approved, and sometimes more, depending on the discretion of his professors.</p>

<p>So you did not contact the disabilities office before he went to this school? He should have registered months before attending. Or perhaps he does not have the testing required or within the time frame required: help him get it.</p>

<p>Often the office of disabilities will offer advising on time management and so on-depends on the school.</p>

<p>I do want to reiterate, concerning plan B, that at this age the student has to own what happens. Housing and support can give them a platform to launch from, but they have to make a lot of mistakes and feel their way a bit (my daughter got fired from 3 waitressing jobs when first back home, and is now in a field where she fits). You have to convey faith in the student somehow: I think they respond to faith, trust and respect. I don’t mean to sound too Hallmark, but that is what seems to help.</p>

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<p>We all need a Hallmark moment every now and then, compmom. </p>

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<p>And based on my own experience, I agree with all that compmom has suggested.</p>

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<p>Unfortunately, a lot of schools are “full-time” institutions that do not allow kids to enroll part-time, except maybe for their last semester. And dropping classes to a lower number while paying full-time tuition may not make much sense and may cause the kid to be placed on academic probatoin. </p>

<p>It is a very difficult balance, especially if the student does not own the plan. It can be that the medication needed to deal with the ADD has unwanted side effects and the student does not want to take it, but can’t manage school work without it. The student could also be in the wrong field and not sure how to deal with it.</p>

<p>It can be hard to have faith when you are concerned about the path the student is taking. Yet you have to realize you have almost no control over the situation. One of mine is on a “break” from college, but working full-time and supporting himself. And we have absolutely no power in the situation. Even making a contract and then saying you won’t pay tuition if the grades aren’t good enough may not motivate a student. And then what? Have the kid drop out? Come home? Depending on where they are in their college journey, it may be difficult to transfer credits and the costs of doing that may be higher than the cost of sticking it out. The answers are much easier to suggest when you are not actually IN the situation. </p>

<p>Good luck OP. Have faith that it will all work out in the long run, but know it will not be easy in the mean time.</p>

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<p>“Even making a contract and then saying you won’t pay tuition if the grades aren’t good enough may not motivate a student. And then what? Have the kid drop out?”</p>

<p>Yeah! He’s wasting his opportunity and laying down bad grades that may constrain future choices. Why is he there? How is he going to be better off with a college degree if he’s not capable of getting a job and an apartment? Jobs that require a college degree generally take a dim view of a 2.1 GPA.</p>

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<p>Maybe but I know families that made the decision to let the student stay on, even when they didn’t fulfill the agreement (flunked a class or did not get a high enough GPA). In one case, the student changed majors and will graduate a semester late, but in another will graduate on time. Clearly, if the kid is below the GPA for the school and gets kicked out or is doing badly in every class, it is one thing, but if they are only struggling in one or two the answer is not as clear.</p>