Dunno what to do, don't know if there's a way out

Parents Forum
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<p>I'm posting this in the parents forum since I figure y'all might have some sort of wisdom to share. </p>

<p>For the past few months I've been feeling very upset with my life. This is my second year at uni and I've barely made any great friends. If you cut off both of my hands I'd still be able to count the number of best friends I have, in other words. It kind of makes sense that I didn't make many friends my first year, since I commuted. But now I'm living off-campus with other students and yet I still can't seem to make friendships stick. </p>

<p>It's like no matter what I do, every person I meet is just a friend of convenience. Ever seen Fight Club? The part where Ed Norton talks about how you get all friendly with whoever's next to you on an airplane only to never talk to them again? That's how it always ends up for me. As soon as a 'friend' and I don't have a class together any more, they forget I exist. Every time I try to hang out with them they're always "busy" or otherwise preoccupied and never offer a rain check. And they certainly never initiate conversation or ever invite me to hang with them. My closest friends are probably my house mates but even then I would bet $1000 that only one (out of the four of them) will keep being my friend after this year is over. The part that hurts the most is that I've really tried being a good roommate and friend. I listen to (and try to help with) one's problems all the time, certainly never expecting anything back since y'know that's what friends do, yet I'm certain she'll forget about me within four months of moving out.</p>

<p>And of course my luck with women isn't much better. I shouldn't care, I shouldn't worry so much about it, but I do. I haven't kissed a girl in two god damn years, I don't know what the hell it is about me that seems to repel women (or, if they're not repelled, I always end up playing the "gay best friend" role). </p>

<p>Finally, it seems that all the effort I put into getting accepted into my uni's business school was all for naught since so far I haven't heard back from ANY internship I've applied to. This is despite having a great GPA and whatnot. I'm supposedly doing everything I"m supposed to do, e.g. getting good grades in a "good" major, yet people with so-called "throw-away" majors (not that I believe any major is useless) are having far more luck. Christ if I'd known it'd be this bad I would have stuck to criminology, at least I'd be studying somewhat more interesting subjects and my GPA would be even higher.</p>

<p>I just don't know what to do. I've been so god damn stressed lately that I think it's giving me an ulcer. I have to resist the urge to pick up smoking again every day (quit 2 months ago, sure would be nice to get a hit of the stuff right now eh?). I don't know who the hell to talk to... I don't have a best friend to talk to, I don't want to talk to my parents (I love 'em like crazy but they've never been great with this stuff), and I'm pretty sure I can only see a university health center counselor once a month. I wanna believe that everything will come together some day but I've been believing that same thing for 20 years and so far it hasn't worked out. It's starting to look like a lie more than anything.</p>

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<p>Even if it is only once a month, I would recommend talking to a counselor at school. It might even turn out that you are allowed more than that.</p>

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<p>Could you approach them about seeing a counselor and would they support and finance (or have insurance for) it? In that event, you could go to an off-campus counselor and see her/him more than once per month.</p>

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<p>@ADad they definitely would support it. I think insurance covers it, not sure. Main issue is getting to said therapist. I saw one back in high school and he was great but I’m not taking an hour-long subway ride (each way) to see him. I’d have to find a good one near my house.</p>

<p>@Heavy thank you.</p>

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<p>Check into the counseling available through your school. If that won’t work, see if they can recommend someone locally who takes your insurance.</p>

<p>You are going through a rough time in a tough economy. You deserve support.</p>

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<p>TMS, I would see if you could have sessions with your therapist over the phone, or even skype. I believe that many offer that option. If not, find one near you and persist until you find one you like. Things really can get better.</p>

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<p>Many, many people your age feel the same way. I know several in my own family. The ones who deal with it the best are the ones who get a handle on it through therapy. Your college most certainly has something and let’s face it, none of these feelings will go away during finals. So get in there. It will be confidential and likely low or no fee–I would be surprised if you can only see someone once a month. If it’s a decent sized university, they are probably required (and eager) to provide much much more. It will get better but you need to be proactive and take the first step of finding out what you’re entitled to at school (which you pay good money for already!!)</p>

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<p>I’m wondering if your school has a service that does mentoring for internships, interview, resumes etc. If they do, they might be able to help you with presentation. As you said, or implied, some times the content isn’t as important initially as the presentation be it for an internship or a relationship. It sounds like you are “getting out there” and working to connect, but somehow it’s not happening. It’s true that living off campus initially can leave you out of that time when kids are linking up with social groups based on their dorms. Do you have a friend or semi-friend or family member who isn’t obligated to smooth things over to ask about your approach? Once you’ve linked up with support in the counseling center and have that backstop support it might help to try to get an unvarnished appraisal from a well meaning person who has your best interest at heart.
ditto all the advice on checking out the counseling service on campus. I’m sorry that you’re having a hard time. Thinking of you . . .</p>

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<p>I recommend this life changing book. It’s only 118 pages, $3.99 used. </p>

<p>[Amazon.com:</a> The Art of Loving (Complete and Unabridged): Erich Fromm: Books](<a href=“http://www.amazon.com/The-Art-Loving-Complete-Unabridged/dp/B001B9S50Q/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1332378164&sr=8-2]Amazon.com:”>http://www.amazon.com/The-Art-Loving-Complete-Unabridged/dp/B001B9S50Q/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1332378164&sr=8-2)</p>

<p>It’s a quick read. Read it. </p>

<p>Then post again and discuss it here.</p>

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<p>There are lots of kids that feel the same way you do. Honestly there are. So the first lie to unmask is that you are the only one in this situation or that there’s something wrong with you. Some of us have been in your shoes ourselves back in the day. Secondly, you’re suffering from disappointment that your life formula isn’t yielding what it’s “supposed” to. You’re working hard, getting good grades, applying for internships, trying to be a good friend, etc. and the results aren’t coming…yet. That doesn’t mean it’s a bad formula, and you’ve got to believe that hard work and being nice always pays off more than laziness and being a jerk. But as was mentioned, there are other variables in play. One is a bad economy.</p>

<p>My D feels like you do right now. She worked her butt off to get into a top school, and is killing herself to do well in her classes, and she also hasn’t found a summer internship yet despite doing everything she knew to do. Attending this elite school is supposed to open doors, right? So what’s wrong with her? NOTHING. Just like there is nothing wrong with you. Start looking outside the box a little at different sorts of jobs than the ones you already applied to. It sounds like your parents have some resources, so maybe you could offer yourself as an unpaid intern at a non-profit but still get some marketing or business experience out of it. Or, I know it’s not glamorous, but there are car rental companies posting a ton of ads online for summer internships in a variety of locations. Also, it’s not NYC investment banking, but some local branches of banks are looking for help this summer.</p>

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<p>What other things do you do? Sports, exercise, volunteering, anything thatnwill take you beyond yourself a bit. I know so many groups that need volunteers. There are also meet up hiking groups, etc.</p>

<p>I think talking to a counselor is a good idea, but also, move beyond your bubble and get ut there at the same time. If you add interesting actinides tonyour life it may not feel so sad. And people in those groups often want to connect up with others. And being busy is a good thing. Exercise as well.</p>

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<p>What about religion? do you go to church or temple are you muslim buddhist? If not check them out speak with the pastors,rabbis high priests tell them how you are feeling. They will help you that is what they do. Even if you are not religous it doesnt matter go to them and ask for help and LISTEN. Then stick with the one with feel better with.</p>

<p>Just erase what has happened in the past and consider today the first day of the rest of your life. There are tons of youtube videos full of great advice on better communications, social skills, relationships etc.</p>

<p>Remember that you are not alone. But if you do nothing then you will be.</p>

<p>Find your passion and join a club sorrond yourself with people that like to do what you enjoy.</p>

<p>Just forget the past and look forward from this point on. You deserve to be happy and it is up to you. Go to a counselor and start NOW.</p>

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<p>Major points for referencing Fight Club! (I do love Edward Norton and many of his films.)</p>

<p>I was just browsing at Myers-Briggs personality types the other day. If you don’t know it, it’s a well-respected personality type indicator, and has been around a long time. I really encourage you to have a look at it, figure out your personality type, Google it, and read a number of accounts of that particular type. I did that, and even after all these years of living, found it really cathartic and helpful in understanding some of my current difficulties. It was a bit of a salve. It also might provide guidance in ways to approach friend-making - types of places or events, etc.</p>

<p>When I was in college it was so easy to make friends while under the unfluence of alcohol. There were parties in the dorms and then when we lived off campus, often a bunch of friends would move in together. I would NEVER counsel using alcohol, though, to make friends. Too many take it way too far. I’m just expressing that I understand how it could be harder to make friends, especially for a shy or introverted person, while living a healthy, balanced life! And I think that, for some reason, it is harder now in our culture to make friends…not sure why.</p>

<p>Finally, (I hope this is not presumptuous), in your account it sounds like you might be trying to please potential friends or possibly make career choices according to an idea outside of yourself. I’m not sure if this it true, but you could ask yourself if you allow your thoughts, opinions, feelings out. Don’t be afraid of it - it will let people know more just who you are. </p>

<p>First step, I recommend suggesting a dinner together among some friends or your room mates? It could be a potluck where everyone brings something, or you could bar-b-q, or cook together. Or you just make something for the house. Food is great that way (healthier than alcohol!). Perhaps you share some taste in music groups? Similar majors you could talk about? Anyway, I don’t know if this is on track, but do know that this is so common, and just hang in there, and appreciate small moments of beauty and pleasure as you go.</p>